I've become a wifeworker

[homhumherewego]

I am 29 years old. I am educated to postgraduate level. I earn four times his salary working half the hours which is why I feel so guilty about this argument we had over wifework.

I pay the bills because he has his own place but spends 90% of his time at mine.

I plan and cook the meals. And then wash up afterwards.

I do and pay for the food shop.

I do the laundry.

I clean (rarely tbh).

I feel like such a bitch but yesterday I exploded at him.

He said I should ask if I needed help.

I was furious it would be described as help.

I feel guilty as fuck because I earn more for much less hours but I just dont like this dynamic.

Its been going on for a year now.

None of the DIY stuff around the house has been done.

He has experienced some traumatic stuff this past year.

He also works really long hours.

So I feel guilty but....

At the same time I am not a fucking mother substitute.

I dont think this is fair and now I feel angry that I feel guilty.

Im confused.

I was an independent, well educated and intelligent woman.

Now I just feel like a nagging wifeworker.

I never thought I would be like this.

Im angry at what I perceive as him having turned me into this when I know I need to take responsibility.

He's a gentle and kind man otherwise.

But he essentially has to worry about nothing other than his work.

I need guidance and reassurance.

I agree Jane.

One bad thing I've noticed about myself though is that I'm slipping into the behaviour I saw my mum engage in.

She used to take everything on and make a rod for her own back and put huge pressure on herself and then burn with this quiet cold rage.

I can feel that starting with me and I think I'm going to take my foot off the gas for a bit and see what happens.

It's not difficult to keep your own house tidy when you are at someone else's 90% of the time!

Oh Lord, you don't want to turn into a bitter resentful housewife in your 20's!
Rather than see what happens , communicate what you want, what you're unhappy with.. spell it out.

'I just had this small fridge since I'd moved from a studio. He said if I whacked him a few bob (he was unemployed) he knew where to get me a good, big proper one.
So I did and told him to get one with a freezer part.
It actually took him about 6 months to get it.
The freezer part didnt work.
It still doesnt'

red flag!
passive aggressive/bait and switch alert!
he offers to do something helpful but does it so badly that he causes more problems than he solves, and you are left feeling angry and confused, this is good for him because it makes you stressed and easier to control and manipulate

IMO the disparities in your respective situations make it difficult to form a mutually beneficial domestic partnership.

IMO he wants to get with you because he understands (consciously or 'instinctively') that it will be easy for him to exploit the situation.
The difficulty in working out a fair division of labour, the fact that societal expectations can steer woman towards wifework as the default position

Or he spent the money because he was out of work and skint. He eventually got hold of a fridge second hand off his mate Dave. He didn't have to pay for it because the freezer compartment didn't work.

He had you over there.

OP I feel your anguish.. I'd be tempted to ask him to move home/his place for a while...

He needs to be doing 50%... without you asking. Seriously, this will get so much worse if you have children.
I'd give him six months to get his shit together or end it

Yep. You've been mugged off.

Now you know it, why the fuck is he still around

OP "She used to take everything on and make a rod for her own back and put huge pressure on herself and then burn with this quiet cold rage."

exactly what you're doing. i notice you still haven't mentioned anything good about this relationship. Why not just finish it? what is the point of being with a man who only meets a basic adulting standard if he gets harangued into it?

I feel as if I'm missing something here.

I have quite an unusual job and until now had a really "free spirited" lifestyle. I'm a bit disappointed and also dont really understand why he wants to be with me when if he wanted someone to do his laundry and accompany him to yet another interminable "dinner round Tom's" he could have pretty easily found a different kind of girl. You know what I mean?
you're exotic, out of his league and a good catch for him
infact you're his golden goose, soon he'll have you paying for everything and doing all the domestic work

you still haven't mentioned anything good about this relationship
the sex must surely be out of this world?
There has to be something in it for the OP right?

It sounds to me that you are WAY out of his league op. That’s a phrase I don’t really like but in this case I think it fits the bill.

And trust me, there’ll be enough years of trying to chivvy people out of the house in the mornings if and when you have kids.

you love someone for who they are, not what you can make them after repeated nagging, shouting and screaming

This

Better to be alone in freedom and integrity than to be forced to role-play your own enraged mother every night after work just to get the washing up done. God it's all so exhausting. Find one who thinks your time matters as much as his OP

I know 'out of his/her league' is often a way of saying person A is way more attractive than person B but I mean it in a broader sense, ie that the OP has much more going for her, better life prospects, a better chance of success than her boyfriend seems to have.

It's hard to have an equal partnership in those circumstances because it's difficult to work out what is fair

@ILostItInTheEarlyNineties

"Or he spent the money because he was out of work and skint. He eventually got hold of a fridge second hand off his mate Dave. He didn't have to pay for it because the freezer compartment didn't work."

Yep I think thats precisely what happened.

It's true I'm getting to the stage where I really cannot be fucked anymore. I've had an entire year where I've been breadwinner whilst he was out of work, plus therapist, plus mother, plus maid and I'm getting bored of it now because I'm not seeing anything back.

Ditch him then.

Being the one 'who gets you up and out' is exhausting. And that will never change for sure.

I don't think you should be taking your foot off the gas. I think you should be considering why on earth you are in this relationship in the first place.

It's very unequal in terms of work, energy levels, initiative, motivation. It's very unequal in terms of chore share. You don't really sound like you have the same outlook at all.

Why are you not with someone of equal education/career level?

Are you quite unconfident? Are your expectations of men low? Do you think we'll at least he's kind, he'll do? (How kind is he to let you shoulder all the chores this year?)

He's punching well above his weight. Nice for him, nothing but frustrating for you.

Are you just going to have a whinge and carry on like before then ?

Xpost - great - you're seeing the light OP, just get out.

Next time, set your heights much much higher.

yes, AF, it sounds like it.

I'm out!

And get out much quicker if it doesn't work.

This is great you are seeing this all now OP. Means you can break free and find real happiness now. Imagine not realising it until years down the line and having kids involved.

AF I think that was uncalled for.

No one in RL takes decisions like this within the length of a thread (not even half a day!) unless they actually had already taken the decision and just needed a bit of nudge/validation.

OP its interesting to see how you are coming to the realisation that a lot of things aren't right and haven't been right for a while.
I would urge you to look at why he prefers to be at yours rather than his too. Do you think that the no washing, no cleaning, being waited on, no spending has something to do with it too?