I've become a wifeworker

[homhumherewego]

I am 29 years old. I am educated to postgraduate level. I earn four times his salary working half the hours which is why I feel so guilty about this argument we had over wifework.

I pay the bills because he has his own place but spends 90% of his time at mine.

I plan and cook the meals. And then wash up afterwards.

I do and pay for the food shop.

I do the laundry.

I clean (rarely tbh).

I feel like such a bitch but yesterday I exploded at him.

He said I should ask if I needed help.

I was furious it would be described as help.

I feel guilty as fuck because I earn more for much less hours but I just dont like this dynamic.

Its been going on for a year now.

None of the DIY stuff around the house has been done.

He has experienced some traumatic stuff this past year.

He also works really long hours.

So I feel guilty but....

At the same time I am not a fucking mother substitute.

I dont think this is fair and now I feel angry that I feel guilty.

Im confused.

I was an independent, well educated and intelligent woman.

Now I just feel like a nagging wifeworker.

I never thought I would be like this.

Im angry at what I perceive as him having turned me into this when I know I need to take responsibility.

He's a gentle and kind man otherwise.

But he essentially has to worry about nothing other than his work.

I need guidance and reassurance.

Do NOT have children or move in with this man!
Find someone who is generous of time and spirit and who gets that you're a person too, that none of these tasks require breasts or cannot be done by the owner of a penis, someone who will share resources (not just money - time, labour, mental energy) fairly and lovingly.
Better to be single than with this guy.

If it's your home, and you pay the bills, why should he do your DIY, just because he spends time there? If you expect him to do all that, then he needs to move in, otherwise it's your home and your responsibility.

Also, hypothetically, if you moved in together, take the salaries out of the equation and see who works less, therefore would have more time to do household tasks. People should do their fair share but life is also about give and take and is not always a straight line down the middle.

I suppose I was just wondering if time spent on household stuff should also be divvied up proportionately, like with money

Every couple is different - I don't believe there are hard and fast rules here. You both need to reach a compromise you're both happy with.

Your all laughing at the magnetic list of jobs,
But this has been proved to work.

I'm not laughing at it. I know it works - it worked pretty well with my kids. I just would find it hard to be attracted to someone who needed a list that included stuff like "put washing in washing machine and add detergent" or "wash up after the dinner".

You absolutely 100% need to stop feeling guilty for your job and your excellent salary. WELL DONE! You have nothing to feel bad about. If he MAKES you feel bad, kick him out, but if he's just existing and you automatically feel guilty, you've got to knock that on the head because it will eat away at you and, as you can see, it's making you 'make up for it' in housework.

If he wants to move in with you he can do at LEAST 50% of the housework, bill paying and other Adultwork.

Maybe it would be best you send him back to his own flat until he's learned what Needs to Be Done in an adult household. When he can automatically put a wash on, hoover the floor and make dinner without needing a woman to tell him to, he can come back.

People should do their fair share but life is also about give and take and is not always a straight line down the middle

Completely agree with this!

So basically you're running a free hotel and restaurant service with sex thrown in? Yep, I can see why he's happy. How did you start doing his laundry? Why is he never bringing wine and dinner round with him? Why is he not offering to wash up etc? Why does he spend so much time at yours? There's so much wrong here and he's taking the piss. Don't feel guilty because he's at a minimum, absolutely taking you for granted.

40 hours aren’t really long hours. Really long hours are 60+. He should be pitching in and asking. He sounds very complacent and as someone else said, you sound like quite a catch!

Thanks for the replies everyone, it's given me a lot to think about.

The worst part is his own place is always kept neat and tidy, his laundry always done, etc. I am the more slovenly one which I think is why I'm finding it more of an issue than other posters might.

It just all happened so gradually.

At first there was a tshirt in the wash.
Then it became like most of the loads were actually more his clothes than mine (as I said I'm a dirty beast so wouldn't actually do laundry as often).

Then I gave him a shelf here, then that spilled over to two.

So I really disagree he sees himself as a guest.

The DIY im pissed off with purely because he said he would do it - so do it. Obviously if he hadn't, I would have just gotten on with it myself. I know how to get by without a man.

The food thing - that's always been on me. On the rare occasions he has to deal with food he gets a takeaway in. Last time he properly cooked anything was February.

Your all laughing at the magnetic list of jobs

I'm not laughing at all. I'd be annoyed at having to do this for a child, let alone a fully grown adult. How could you respect someone like that? I can't think of anything more off-putting.

He doesn't see himself as a guest OP. He sees it as your job. So hand in your resignation and let him hire someone else.

I think, OP, that this isn’t so much about him eating your food etc. as it is about the fact he takes no responsibility for making your domestic life a happy smooth one. I think that you need to focus on the issue of him thinking it was appropriate to respond to you that if you want help, you need to ask him. A) that at this stage it isn’t help, it’s pulling his weight and b) that you are not homelife project manager and general dogsbody responsible for ensuring he pulls his weight and everything gets covered.

I would expect, in a relationship where I lived with someone and had much more free time than them that I would do a bit more of the housework. But definitely not all of it.

Can I ask - does he leave the emotional work to you too? Does he woo you a bit, suggest places to go and things to do together? Proactively address problems? Notice when you’re feeling down and try to make things better? Because if he’s lazy on this score too I don’t think he’s worth your time.

I’m trying to work out how he avoids the washing up — that’s quite an achievement but does he really go and sit on his arse in another room when he has finished the meal that you have shopped for and cooked, and leave you to clean up ??

He is taking the piss to have you doing his laundry and by saying he'd take on the DIY but not doing it.

Start sending him home with his laundry - stick it in a bag instead of in the washing machine. Have the conversation - he can't have it both ways, being treated like a guest (not having to do anything and you're supposed to be grateful for anything he does do) yet being there more or less all the time.

Another vote for useless cocklodger.

You said his mum babies him, and now he's being a lazy and entitled pig with you. 40hrs a week is a standard working week, you still have to do stuff to contribute to family/partner/life. I'm not one for comparing because it's all relative to individual circumstances, but my husband often does 70hrs and wouldn't just kick back while I do everything. If you don't believe, really genuinely believe, that if you had a baby he'd pull his weight and support you and be a hands on dad - ditch him now. You'll end up miserable and resentful. These cocklodging, unhelpful, shit dad type men are giving signals wayyyyy in advance to their prospective partners. Take notice. This is your future and it'll just get worse. Get rid.

I definitely refuse to go down the "job list" route, because as stated above, before he started hanging out at mine his place was absolutely immaculate. So this is a man who knows how to keep house. I agree he's taking the piss.

I'm actually more than happy to do all the cooking - I enjoy it and am good at it. Yesterday when I exploded he was like "you're right, I used to do a lot more" - he did, and that was because he was unemployed.

It's because now he's employed he's finding his time management is a problem, but he should still be helping me. It came to a head in my mind last week when I had to meet a really stressful deadline whilst ill and then quickly clean up my flat before catching a train: I found myself face to face with a week's worth of dishes and thought this isnt fucking right.

I think tonight I'll start being a little forceful to reassert our conversation (aka will ask him directly to wash up). And see if that nudges him back into balance.

Its just interesting because I remember my own Mums frustration with my dad. I get it now, this "mental load". Whatever happens with us, I'm glad to have at least experienced this, it's really opened my eyes.

40 hours is a normal 9-5, not "really long hours". Many adults work those hours, some work longer, have long commutes on top of that, and then sort the house out when they're home. There's also no need to feel guilty that you earn more and work less, do you think he would?

I would say that he needs to move in fully and pull his weight, but do you really want that? What if he is just an entitled slob by nature and you end up babying him as well as future kids?

I second looking at the "You should have asked" cartoon linked above. In fact print it out, stick it to the front of the fridge (and his fridge).

@BoomBoomsCousin

Jesus! After the mental load we now have "emotional work"? I had no idea this was yet another thing, thanks for making me aware. In response:
"Can I ask - does he leave the emotional work to you too?" Yes
"Does he woo you a bit," no
"suggest places to go and things to do together?" No
"Proactively address problems?" No
"Notice when you’re feeling down and try to make things better?" Somewhat

:-/

I really feel on the war path to be honest.

Try not asking him to wash up tonight, OP, but just sit there and see if he not only washes up but also clears the table without having to be asked. If he doesn't, he clearly hasn't taken in anything you've said. If he does, celebration time, something has sunk in. But he still needs to step up to the mark with everything else as well.

I'm going against the grain here, but if it's your house and he's staying over I think the dynamic is different and YABU, especially screaming at him out if the blue.

He should obvs bring food for dinner sometime, takes turns cooking/washing up and tidy up after hinself (so by all means have a conversation about that), BUT

• it would be weird for him to do DIY uninvited in your house, in which he has no stake. And TBH weird for you to ask him to. Fine if he offers as a favour.
• it would be easy for you to not do his laundry, so just don't: "here's a bag of your dirty stuff to take back to yours"
• Perhaps he might whip the hoover round occasionally if he's being nice, but I wouldn't actually expect him to share the housework. Your house, your chores. He has chores at his place. How rigorously he does or doesn't do them is up to him.

If he really is practically living at yours then you need to either

• decide you want to live together, have a conversation about how you split money and chores
• decide you don't want to live together and that you can live with two sets of household chores, two sets of bills and each take care if your own.

If you still feel hard done by you can start spending equal time at each house so the marginal cost of the additional loo cleaning, cling film buying etc implied by 1+90% of a person rather than 1 doesn't all fall on you.

Or if that doesn't suit you to spend equal time at each house and you actually just PREFER him being at yours rather than you bring at his - its incumbent on you to bear the housework and minor household expenditure of what is essentially an invited guest in your house.

Hugely agree with all the "you should have asked" stuff in general but it totally doesn't apply in the context of people that don't live together or have kids together. Wifework, emotional labour... Not relevant here.

Can I ask - does he leave the emotional work to you too?" Yes

What is the emotional work?

It took me long enough to get my head around the idea of house admin that takes hours each week to sort. In not sure anyone does that OR the emotional work in our house...

It wouldn't be weird for him to do DIY in the op's house since he's offered to do it.

What if he breaks something in her house.