I've become a wifeworker

[homhumherewego]

I am 29 years old. I am educated to postgraduate level. I earn four times his salary working half the hours which is why I feel so guilty about this argument we had over wifework.

I pay the bills because he has his own place but spends 90% of his time at mine.

I plan and cook the meals. And then wash up afterwards.

I do and pay for the food shop.

I do the laundry.

I clean (rarely tbh).

I feel like such a bitch but yesterday I exploded at him.

He said I should ask if I needed help.

I was furious it would be described as help.

I feel guilty as fuck because I earn more for much less hours but I just dont like this dynamic.

Its been going on for a year now.

None of the DIY stuff around the house has been done.

He has experienced some traumatic stuff this past year.

He also works really long hours.

So I feel guilty but....

At the same time I am not a fucking mother substitute.

I dont think this is fair and now I feel angry that I feel guilty.

Im confused.

I was an independent, well educated and intelligent woman.

Now I just feel like a nagging wifeworker.

I never thought I would be like this.

Im angry at what I perceive as him having turned me into this when I know I need to take responsibility.

He's a gentle and kind man otherwise.

But he essentially has to worry about nothing other than his work.

I need guidance and reassurance.

Sleeping you could do the comprehension work of reading the rest of that paragraph, which helpfully listed several example and the OP’s responses, and then extrapolate from there.

If he is a man-child and his DM did/does everything for him, he is not going to morph overnight into a fully functioning adult. He will expect you to take over from mummy.

Before you move in together you have to make it clear that this won't happen, nor do you expect him to 'help' you. What you expect is an adult who recognises what needs to be done to avoid living in squalor and take responsibility for 50% of those tasks without being asked. Same applies to food buying, cooking and laundry.

You have a massive job on your hands to get him anywhere near the above. It's obviously for you to decide if he's worth it.

Good luck.

God, in addition to what I've just said, now read your update about him not doing or suggesting or anything else. Sounds like he brings absolutely nothing to the table, whether that be literally or metaphorically - just nothing. I'm telling you this will wear you down.

Ah assumes they were seperatw points. My bad.

Well yeah and it's stuff like a year ago I just had this small fridge since I'd moved from a studio. He said if I whacked him a few bob (he was unemployed) he knew where to get me a good, big proper one.
So I did and told him to get one with a freezer part.
It actually took him about 6 months to get it.
The freezer part didnt work.
It still doesnt.

That kind of thing annoys me because if I'd been on my own I would have just used my money to sort it myself. You know?

Yeah, sorry, missed the part where he offered to do DIY. Still, though, its nice of him to offer a favour and a bit annoying if he didn't follow through, but I'm not sure OP has the right to be pissy if he doesn't. Its not actually his responsibility.

I'm not a devils advocate and I don't make a habit of coming on here and arguing in favour of a housework-dodging bloke, BTW, but the OP sounds U in this case.

Do you think it would help if you both split your time between both places? A fortnight at yours, a fortnight at his? Essentially you're playing his host currently. If he's normally tidy I can see why you're angry, it suggests he doesn't have as much respect for your living environment as he does for his. Stay at his for a week, wait for your tea, put your feet up and watch TV while he washes up. He'll get the picture. (Might take a bit longer than a week though...)

Also I clearly skim read your initial comment Boo., sorry

OP why ARE you with him? Is this just one bad part of an amazing guy or just the tip of the crap bloke ice cream

@JemimaLovesHamble

I'm considering doing that Jemima, maybe starting tomorrow night. I do prefer to be st mine if I'm honest (and clearly he does since several times I've told him to just say if he wants to go to his). But maybe to make a point I will do that.

Him being there 90% of the time, one step away from one of them getting rid of their flat, or choosing a new communal place.
He can ask if OP needs help, he can say I'll get the shopping, Shall I make a curry tomorrow night, or wipe down the table. He can offer rather than sit back & let it happen.
The emotional part is about forethought, "do we need more bin bags/loo roll ?" knowing the day to put the recycling/bin out, thinking to lock the door at bed time.....

Not excusing him from cooking/grocery shopping for dinner / washing up, by the way. But surely that's dealt with by a pointed "do you want to cook or wash up tonight"? Job done. Obvs if he doesn't step up after that he's a twat.

But the wider housework - I'd be a bit peeved if I stayed at my boyfriend's house, maintained my own place but despite him working part time and me working full time he expected me to do half his housework as well as my own. Esp if I was naturally tidy and he was messy.

@SleepingStandingUp

I don't know, these days I'm really struggling to see clearly. I feel quite emotional lately and wish I could get a bit of perspective on my own life.

Why did you not look at it before handing your money over to him. We all know you earn a good salary so why wait six months?

@ecuse
"But the wider housework - I'd be a bit peeved if I stayed at my boyfriend's house, maintained my own place but despite him working part time and me working full time he expected me to do half his housework as well as my own. Esp if I was naturally tidy and he was messy."

Yes, I can appreciate that POV too you know.

The worst part is his own place is always kept neat and tidy, his laundry always done, etc.

Do you do this as well?
Or is it a case of you do your house, he does his.
But you want him to do his house and some of your house.
It's not as simple as 50/50 in my opinion.

@Happyemoji

He just kept saying he would get round to it and I trusted him

This is your bunnies and roses phase. Or it should be. This is as good as it gets. All of these niggles magnify 1000-fold when there are kids.

I'm wondering what are you getting from this relationship?

And if I can be ruthless, I would say end it now.

Perhaps some time away from everything would help. In not saying a dramatic "I need space" but more of an "I fancy a break away in the Lakes by myself for a long weekend"

The worst part is his own place is always kept neat and tidy, his laundry always done, etc. I am the more slovenly one which I think is why I'm finding it more of an issue than other posters might.

Yeah, no. He knows how. He just enjoys having an unpaid maid.

This article resonated with just about every woman I know, when someone posted it on Facebook recently. But you aren't yet married, with kids, and he is saying you need to, "ask for help". That's one enormous red flag right there because when challenged over expecting to be waited on, he says implicitly that it is your job to tell him when he has to pull his own weight, giving tasks, as though he is a child... and that doing said tasks won't be him simply doing his own jobs, but helping you in your role of caring for him.

That's so many kinds of wrong. And if this is how it is now, when you have no kids, I'd not be in a hurry to have them. Because study after study shows this pattern arises between couples who had an egalitarian division of labour before kids arrive. It exacerbates any existing divide markedly.

If you live together then splitting bills according to income is right, and same too with jobs, but it needs to be discussed and agreed. Not him settling back into having a Mummy who he can shag.

I’m just here to give you a unmumsnetty hug.

I feel your pain some men are just incapable without being pecked at all the time, it’s infuriating and I swear the “you just need to ask” argghhh, ffs give your head a wobble you silly man. Any way Iv not resolved my man child issues so can’t really give advice but maybe send him home on a Wednesday with his own laundry and get him to look after himself for a couple of days a week and do a online food shop maybe and get his card details and alternate what card you use weekly to buy the main stuff.

Not fair for you to take on all the emotional/mental baggage regardless of his traumas this year.

The question is, has he stopped doing stuff because he's got too busy (acceptable but needs addressing) or is it that he can't be arsed because your house means your problem.

I remember there was a poster once who was annoyed because her DP was clumsy and kept breaking stuff through not thinking things through properly but when she was questioned about it, she realised that the only stuff that ever got broken was HER stuff and usually after some he felt wronged in some way. E.g. breaking her favourite mug after being asked to do the washing up. So what you need to figure out if you spend a fortnight at his is whether he's more considerate with his stuff, and also whether he expects more from you than you've got from him.

Doing the DIY is hardly comparable to cooking and washing up every day, either.

I think it would be fair to suggest that the washing up becomes his regular job at yours, since you cook. If he complains or moans that he works longer hours so is tired etc, point out that you are effectively doing two tasks in planning/shopping for what to cook and then cooking it, which balances out your shorter working hours against his.

So I'm guessing he says - 'let's do the washing up later' and then you end up doing it then.
I think if he's basically competent that is worse!

Op, I know you say money is not an issue, your happy to do all the cooking, you'd rather be at you place etc, but can't you see by doing this your enabling him and making a rod for your own back?

On one hand I'd suggest going to stay at his for a few weeks, not contributing a penny and letting him run around after you, and maybe, just maybe, it will open his eyes a little.

Given your last few posts though, I actually wonder if it would be better for you to have some time away from him to work out if this is really the relationship you want.

40 hours is a normal week, feeling tired is not an excuse to do less unless it's a medical problem. So he'd just leave chores if he was single? I had this problem recently and it was make or break. His attitude needs to change overnight or leave him. You know it; mental load, emotional load, why does it seem to fall to mostly women who have to deal with this crap.