I've become a wifeworker

[homhumherewego]

I am 29 years old. I am educated to postgraduate level. I earn four times his salary working half the hours which is why I feel so guilty about this argument we had over wifework.

I pay the bills because he has his own place but spends 90% of his time at mine.

I plan and cook the meals. And then wash up afterwards.

I do and pay for the food shop.

I do the laundry.

I clean (rarely tbh).

I feel like such a bitch but yesterday I exploded at him.

He said I should ask if I needed help.

I was furious it would be described as help.

I feel guilty as fuck because I earn more for much less hours but I just dont like this dynamic.

Its been going on for a year now.

None of the DIY stuff around the house has been done.

He has experienced some traumatic stuff this past year.

He also works really long hours.

So I feel guilty but....

At the same time I am not a fucking mother substitute.

I dont think this is fair and now I feel angry that I feel guilty.

Im confused.

I was an independent, well educated and intelligent woman.

Now I just feel like a nagging wifeworker.

I never thought I would be like this.

Im angry at what I perceive as him having turned me into this when I know I need to take responsibility.

He's a gentle and kind man otherwise.

But he essentially has to worry about nothing other than his work.

I need guidance and reassurance.

I am afraid you are onto a loser here. I have also got a husband who had everything done for him by his mother. And it is IMPOSSIBLE to break out of. Somebody who spent their formative years being served on hand and foot will NEVER change. For my DH even a long stint abroad living on his own did not facilitate the change in attitude. Instead of learning how to cook and run the house, he lived on ready meals and threw away clothes as they got ruined. No woman is going to undo the damage his mother has done. And his father, I should add, who did zero housework as my DH was growing up.

Now, my DH's good points far outweigh the above drawback. How I deal with the annoying lack of help round the house: I have stopped arguing about it as it does fuck all other than piss us both off for days on end. I have left employed work and now work for myself where I do as much or as little work as I want. His money is our money and I am free to treat myself as I please spending it. He NEVER says anything about it. I have a lot more "free" time which I can CHOOSE to spend doing housework/wifework, or go and have a lie in if I had a bad night, go to the gym or fool around all day taking it easy. My DH does not have that luxury and works very hard, long hours, weekends etc. So I feel I get compensated in a fair way.

I do a much better job with the children/house (we did try it the other way for a few years). BUT if I want to go somewhere of an evening, he IS having the kids. No questions asked.

And if I don't feel like cooking/washing up, I don't. He has never commented about stuff not being done and me in bed for the morning. And better not!

What I am saying, do not even attempt to change him, it will be a waste of your time and energy - his Mom has set him up for life . If he is wonderful if other ways, find practical ways to solve this, like hiring a cleaner/help, outsourcing etc. to make it fair for you. He must contribute to the financial cost of this, obviously.

Also, if I were not married, I will not be putting myself in the position above where I have cut my hours and essentially do unpaid and invisible social reproduction work. At least, if it came to it, I will be getting a fair settlement for my contribution to the family life. Unmarried partners are NOT protected in any way, sadly.

So do think if it is worth it and do not kid yourself that he will change. He probably will... for the worst, once kids are on the scene.

Lewis the op herself acknowledges she is consistently mirroring the mistakes of her own mother

So...two choices really. She is an independent adult. Carry on moaning or fuck him off.

Nandoshoes well aren't you a charmer.

When you move in together you absolutely 100% shouldn't be paying anything more the half, you also shouldn't be doing any more then half of the jobs. If he can't accepted then I'd be ending it

This is not going to get any better OP because the fact is he doesn't realise without you having to point it out to him. You can explode at him, he can buck up his ideas for a bit but then it will slip back. You need to be resigned to a life of nagging and resentment. From what I can see -

• he doesn't help unless asked, obviously doesn't care if there's a week of washing up or if you're ill / stressed
• when he does help he doesn't do it properly (fridge example)
• he can't / doesn't cook
• you've acted as therapist to his problems
• your earning prospects clearly massively outstrip his own (not that the above would be acceptable if he earned more than you but at least he would be bringing something to the table if he could provide a nice lifestyle).

What is he bringing to the table? You say he's a nice guy but he doesn't sound that brilliant to me.

As pp have said these problems will get so much worse once married / have kids.

Another ltb from me I'm afraid.

if you did move in together the pragmatic thing would be for him to work fewer hours and take on most of the domestic work whilst you, as the higher earner focused on earning the money

confusedlittleone so if OP goes on extended maternity leave and earns basically nothing she should still pay half exactly? And if he then becomes a SAHD she should still do exactly half of all the housework?

so if OP goes on extended maternity leave and earns basically nothing she should still pay half exactly? And if he then becomes a SAHD she should still do exactly half of all the housework?

Not comparable. A child is a shared family choice and responsibility. Two independent adults who are making different choices, not so much. Once they have a family, then they should have equal free time and proportionate contributions to expenses because the labour of raising the child is a shared responsibility, sure. But at this stage, why is his underwear her problem? He's not caring for a shared child or shared home while she is at work, or vice versa. He's just expecting her to wash his things for him because she has tits and he does not.

I've had an entire year where I've been breadwinner whilst he was out of work, plus therapist, plus mother, plus maid and I'm getting bored of it now because I'm not seeing anything back.

So you're a high earner who will also do all housework, and provide sex, and on top of that he has pretty much ripped you off by getting you a second hand fridge-freezer while pocketing the cash for new?

Is he meant to love you? Because I'm not seeing it from anything you have said here. What is in this for you?

You've got absolutely everything going for you and there are some amazing men out there. You haven't actually given any indication of anything that makes this relationship rewarding at all.

@SleepingStandingUp that's not their situation now tho and people were trying to say as it stands she should pay a higher percentage of the bills based on their current incomes.

He sounds like my first husband ... my second is much better ! Honestly this kind of problem does get worse over time. When I realised I could never have children with him because he did not lift a finger to help me then I knew it was time to move on.

I'm getting bored of it now because I'm not seeing anything back
you wont be getting anything back because you have showed him that you are prepared to work for him for free
you might think that he is in your debt and that he will compensate you for all that you've given him, in his mind you're his bitch..he owns you

Basically OP there are many men like this and they don't really change easily. So you have to ask yourself whether they contribute in other ways. For instance, my DH does next to nothing at home but he does work ridiculously hard At his job which has enabled us to have our lifestyle and for me to be a SAHM which has suited me, on balance. So I have a cleaner in a couple of times a week and DH and I don't have battles over domestic stuff at all. However, in the absence of him being very committed to the financial side of things, I would get very frustrated if he did nothing at home. Only you know what you're prepared to put up with going forward.

On the up side, you can see you are bing short changed, & I am not talking about money.
IMO money is not the issue, (reverse the situation, which is normally the case, sadly)
it's that you can see the road that is paved before you...
Big changes need to be made Pronto, & frankly I doubt the gently gently approach will work.
Whatever happens, do not marry or have children with this cocklodger chap

confusedlittleone well at the moment there running a houshpld each and that confuses matters. He ahoulda be contributing equally to food and partially to anything he costs more for.

I do think if you love together then financial controbitiona should be proportionate. If you had a guy who learnt 100k and a woman who earnt 25k and they were both paying the same bills, people would call him all sorts especially when he could then afford all sorts of leisure and holiday activities and she had no spare cash

I don't think this is as clear as the normal cocklodger situation, which I'm usually the first to call out.

You don't live together, so it makes sense you each pay your own bills. If you eat together every night, it would make sense to share that shopping but not for him to pay 1.5 rents and 1.5 electricity bills, etc.

Same with the DIY. It's your place. It would be a bit rude really of him to just start repainting or something without even asking. It would be nice of him to replace a light globe that was out or oil a squeaky door or something small. But it's your place, so yes I would think you would take on the mental burden of organisation for that.

Doing his washing? That ones fair enough. Stop doing that. And you should be sharing the cooking and associated cleaning.

An important point that you don't cover is why you don't spend much time at his place. If he doesn't want to go to his place and refuses to have you over, I think there is a problem. But if you don't like going to his place for whatever reason then you can't really complain. Same thing if you want to move in together, but he prefers the current set up. Problem. But if you also like you both having your own places, then you can't complain.

I don’t doubt that he’s otherwise kind and gentle. That’s partly what makes it so upsetting. How could someone so kind treat you like a maid and view their contribution as “helping”.

You could definitely have a heart to heart before you move in together. You could discuss rotas and and walk him through exactly what it means to clean the bathroom.

In my experience though people rarely change. And the wifework problem is a case in point. Have you read the book?

Obviously it’s up to you, OP. All I can tell you is that it will be much worse and a thousand times more sad to walk away from a kind and gentle man after 15 years of it than it would be to cut your losses now.

I somehow missed that the thread is 8 pages long so skimmed it just now.

Do NOT get pregnant. Dump him.

If you don't live together now, this doesn't realy sow much hope for the future

@SleepingStandingUp did you even read my original comment? I said SHE shouldn't be doing more then half the housework or paying more then 50% WHEN they move in together. We aren't talking about a guy earning more here I'm just talking about her and if they moved into together under the current circumstances.

OP you could do so much better than this guy. I am so pleased you didn’t have children with him or share finances. He’s a lazy cocklodging man child and needs to be sent on his way.

I'd have dumped him at the point where he was surprised at the explosion.

I'd have been thinking about dumping him from the moment he turned up empty handed to dinner with his friends.

I would not make lists, I would not tell him to do the washing up.

You have exploded. You are unhappy. If he gives the slightest fuck about you then he will do the following totally unprompted by you tonight:
Turn up with food, cook it, serve it and clean up afterwards.
Do all the washing and put it away, including yours.
Some other random household task.
Not expect a medal or sex for the above.

If he doesn't then he simply doesn't give any genuine fucks about you at all. Utter selfishness can't be cured with a list.

If you can be arsed to try to retrain him...

Stay at his at least equal times in a week.
Buy the bare minimum food you need for yourself at yours.
Expect him to plan and buy food for and cook amd clean up from every alternate meal regardless of where you are.
Do not clean up/wash up after him at yours, tell him he needs to leave things as clean and tidy as he would at his house.
Don't do his washing at yours, he has a perfectly good washing machine at his.
Get the money back for the fridge freezer amd spend it on one that works.
Do no chores at his unless he asks
Do not get sucked in to buying things for his friends or family or bringing things to dinner with them.
Buy him the wifework book and expect him to read it and take his share of running of a house jobs.

If he is not happy with any of this then he is not a keeper IMO and you're saddling yourself with being his Mum forever.

In my experience, men really don't change in this regard. Find someone for whom maintaining a clean, peaceful home is instinctive.

www.theguardian.com/world/2017/may/26/gender-wars-household-chores-comic?linkId=39093793 this article springs to mind when I read about your situation. Good luck