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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I've become a wifeworker

224 replies

homhumherewego · 19/10/2017 12:31

I am 29 years old. I am educated to postgraduate level. I earn four times his salary working half the hours which is why I feel so guilty about this argument we had over wifework.

I pay the bills because he has his own place but spends 90% of his time at mine.

I plan and cook the meals. And then wash up afterwards.

I do and pay for the food shop.

I do the laundry.

I clean (rarely tbh).

I feel like such a bitch but yesterday I exploded at him.

He said I should ask if I needed help.

I was furious it would be described as help.

I feel guilty as fuck because I earn more for much less hours but I just dont like this dynamic.

Its been going on for a year now.

None of the DIY stuff around the house has been done.

He has experienced some traumatic stuff this past year.

He also works really long hours.

So I feel guilty but....

At the same time I am not a fucking mother substitute.

I dont think this is fair and now I feel angry that I feel guilty.

Im confused.

I was an independent, well educated and intelligent woman.

Now I just feel like a nagging wifeworker.

I never thought I would be like this.

Im angry at what I perceive as him having turned me into this when I know I need to take responsibility.

He's a gentle and kind man otherwise.

But he essentially has to worry about nothing other than his work.

I need guidance and reassurance.

OP posts:
Mustang27 · 19/10/2017 15:24

@OneFlewOverTheDodosNest

oh ffs that is some petty shit. Poor woman what was the outcome? I think if I’d found out my oh was doing that I’d walk. Why would you do that to someone you love, I’m baffled.

Nandoshoes · 19/10/2017 15:27

Errrrrrm don't pay more why should you. I earn double what my boyfriend does I'm sick of wiping his arse and providing for him. I told him straight when we move in together it's 50/50 money wise. I worked harder to get where I am why should he have it handed to him !!

Don't be a mug please !

Babycham1979 · 19/10/2017 15:29

Interesting. As Butterfymuffin said, when the roles are reversed on here, the response is usually that money should be pooled (once living together). The other usual response is also that you should both have equal leisure time.

I'm guessing these two stock responses won't be rolled-out today though, as it would mean you're a) poorer and b) have to spend all your spare time doing housework.

Funny how subjective people's 'logic' is, isn't it?

MyBrilliantDisguise · 19/10/2017 15:33

Do you have any children together/separately?

Quite honestly it sounds as though he's treating you like his mum. He comes to yours for his dinner, sticks things in the wash and then watches telly while you make sure all the housework is done.

That thing with the fridge would drive me fucking demented. You paid him to get you a fridge and he got you one six months later with a broken freezer compartment? I would have gone beserk. He wasn't working during that time and still couldn't get it right?

Why are you with him? You sound great and frankly, he doesn't. Why not go for someone as independent as yourself rather than a mummy's boy?

MyBrilliantDisguise · 19/10/2017 15:34

Babycham, they're not living together. Why should she share her income with a boyfriend? (And she is anyway - she pays for the food, electricity etc and puts up with his cocklodging.)

BitOutOfPractice · 19/10/2017 15:43

I genuinely worry that a man who doesn't just get this, by instinct or upbringing or both, will never truly get it and you'll have this battle for ever more

Original poster
homhumherewego · 19/10/2017 15:49

@BitOutOfPractice
Yes, me too.

I think one part of the emotional load os really weighing on me too - like always being the one to get us up and out and actually seeing stuff around us, I mean if it was left up to him we would just be bouncing back and forth between the flat and his mates flats for dinner (cooked by their wifeworkers obviously).

Its tricky to explain but in his circle of friends and family I'm seen as kind of "kooky" (I know, gross word). Obviously in my circles I'm normal! I have quite an unusual job and until now had a really "free spirited" lifestyle. I'm a bit disappointed and also dont really understand why he wants to be with me when if he wanted someone to do his laundry and accompany him to yet another interminable "dinner round Tom's" he could have pretty easily found a different kind of girl. You know what I mean?

I dont know I'm just confused and frustrated today, I need to think about it all.

OP posts:
MyBrilliantDisguise · 19/10/2017 15:51

So does this man ever do anything for anyone else? Or even for himself?

Does he ever invite people to his house for dinner?

When he's at his friend's house, does he take wine? Wash up? Do ANYTHING?

Original poster
homhumherewego · 19/10/2017 15:53

@MyBrilliantDisguise

No, I have invited his friends (couple) round to mine twice to cook, amd actually the other day it occured to me we've gone round to others' to eat loads and gone empty handed, when I realised I was really embarrassed - it didnt occur to me before as they're his friends, but I should have thought too.

OP posts:
cheminotte · 19/10/2017 15:55

That's the emotional load right there!

Therealjudgejudy · 19/10/2017 15:58

You do realise that you are with a selfish lazy man child don't you? You sound so nice but this relationship sounds like my idea of hell tbh. Where do all these lazy entitled men come from? So glad I don't know any.

annielouise · 19/10/2017 15:59

40 hours a week is not really long hours Confused

If he's on minimum wage then he must be taking home about £14,000 a year. If you're on 4 times that then £56,000 - so that's at least for both of you.

Both of you need to go half on a cleaner and you pay for the DIY separately to this as it's your home. He washes his own clothes. Don't touch them.

Food bills you split - he'd have those if he lived at his place. He has to cook a couple of times a week, no takeaway, an easy meal can be done in half an hour.

All other bills apart from council tax you split as he's not having to pay those at his place - perhaps you can pay marginally more as he's only 90% at your place.

It's not hard. If he doesn't like it, then tough.

pallisers · 19/10/2017 16:01

What does he do??

Happyemoji · 19/10/2017 16:03

Can you see a future with him?

Happyemoji · 19/10/2017 16:04

Buy him Jamie Olivers meals in 15 minutes.

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 19/10/2017 16:05

You want different things.

I think you have made a rod for your own back by undertaking all the chores and cooking without complaint so far.
There are plenty of men brought up by mothers that do everything in the home so will assume the same when they move in with a partner. It used to be more the norm; he needs educating.

You want to be a free spirit, you're naturally untidy and hate housework. You want to get out and explore the world. He wants a quiet life, working and staying in with a woman caring for him.
Neither of you match up to the partner you want. I think you are starting to realise that.

Slimthistime · 19/10/2017 16:05

what is in this for you? You have control of your life and you are talking as if this somehow "happened" to you. It has happened because of your choices.

and it's your choice what to do next.

Happyemoji · 19/10/2017 16:06

All other bills apart from council tax you split as he's not having to pay those at his place

Of course he has to pay council tax even if he isn't living in it often. All other utility bills split it or come to some agreement.

MyBrilliantDisguise · 19/10/2017 16:10

Does he actually ever buy any food?

I've been thinking - one of the problems here is that he knew how much you earned right from the beginning. He responded to that by thinking you wouldn't mind paying for everything for him.

And yes, that was terrible that you both went to his friend's house so often to eat without taking anything. Seriously, what were you thinking?

category12 · 19/10/2017 16:15

Because they were his friends initially, tbh I would expect him to buy the wine or gift for dinner parties as he'd know them better. I don't think it should have fallen on the op to do that.

LewisThere · 19/10/2017 16:17

sleeponeday this article is genius!!

Babycham1979 · 19/10/2017 16:19

OP, you just sound unhappy with this guy, and like this is the manifestation of that. Move on, and find someone you consider equal to yourself. You'll both be happier.

LewisThere · 19/10/2017 16:22

Btw OP I can see how it happened. He slowly stayed longer and longer and you just carried on with you did before. Except now you do fir two instead of just yourself.

Im afraid that I don't have an answer fir you as I haven't managed to get H understand how work is involved in running the house.
This is one of the things that is splitting us up.
The best you can do is to ry and explain and see how far he is happy to step up. A good way would be to ask him to do things the same way he does in his own flat (and maybe fur you to stay there again so he can remember!).
But there are other stuff going on there. In particular, the fact you don't seem to have the same objectives in life. And that you aren't interested in the same things. Is ygat going to be anissue long term??

annielouise · 19/10/2017 16:24

I wrote: "All other bills apart from council tax you split as he's not having to pay those at his place"

Of course he has to pay council tax even if he isn't living in it often. All other utility bills split it or come to some agreement.

Happyemoji - read what I wrote again. All other bills - i.e. gas, elec, water - you split APART FROM council tax (i.e. they don't split council tax as obviously he has to pay it for his place still).

JaneEyre70 · 19/10/2017 16:27

So basically he's perfectly capable of cooking, washing up and tidying up. The state of his own house proves that. The issue is that he's choosing not to, and load it onto you instead. Only you can decide if you can live with that, but I would pay attention to the person that he is telling you and showing you he is. You love someone for who/what they are, not what you can make them after repeated nagging, shouting and screaming.