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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be pissed off

242 replies

Pi55ed0ff · 15/10/2017 20:30

it was a significant birthday this weekend. i've been married to dh for 15 years. we don't live near his family, but he made the effort to visit them whilst working nearby a few weeks back. they made a big deal about him bringing back a present for my birthday for me. he said it was probably jewellery by the size and shape of the gift and that they had all chipped in for it. it sat on the side looking at me for 2 weeks. i opened it and it's a bar of green and black's chocolate. aibu to be upset that they made no effort whatsoever? for previous birthdays his parents alone have given me a £20 gift card, so its weird that between 6 working adults they've managed a £1.50 bar of chocolate, right? i'm hiding my disappointment for dh's sake.

OP posts:
theftbyfinding · 16/10/2017 23:23

I'm so sorry these miserable people have done this on your special birthday op . I know we shouldn't place too much store by monetary value but £1.50 wrapped chocolate is actually worse than no present. If your dh has been brought up around such skewed attitudes to giving, with brothers gifted thousands and his kids receiving nothing, I'm not surprised his attitude is all over the place.

I could never be with a miserable tightfist. To me, tight with money, tight with emotion. I hope you can discuss this and let him see it's more than just a present, it's them showing how they rate you in terms of time thinking of what you would like. And he needs to step up too. Silencing any dissent about his parents is controlling.

SabineUndine · 16/10/2017 23:27

Well in future ever time one of them has a birthday, buy yourself a gift and wrap it. On your birthday, open them all.

HeebieJeebies456 · 16/10/2017 23:29

why are you still with him?
he's a lying, gaslighting, controlling, abusive arse!

when i asked dh about it he said they didn't need anything. turns out that's what he told his parents when they asked what the kids would like
I've got a feeling this is what he says about you behind your back, hence why you've never received a thoughtful half decent gift from them.

I wonder what other lies he's been telling your in-laws...that you have an issue with them over xyz?
He's made sure you can't have any friends or support from his side of the family......but he makes sure he's always in the 'good books' with yours.

Have you actually told your parents/family about this particular issue?
Do they know about this shitty gift and his shitty attitude?
I doubt very much they'd be spending loads on him if they did......

iwasagirlinavillage · 16/10/2017 23:36

I do think his attitude towards this is just shit. But, I do think, for him, this is completely normal when it comes to gift giving. I wonder what kind of birthday presents he received as a child.

Have you told him that a wrapped bar of chocolate is insulting? Not "thoughtful" as he is trying to make you and himself believe. It's actually really odd. It's like wrapping up a packet of Walkers Cheese and Onion crisps because its someone's favourite. Unless it's a joke present (in addition to something normal), neither present is acceptable.

MrsKoala · 16/10/2017 23:45

Oh dear, that's super shit. I can believe your DH tho. They sound like my pils and dh. I don't think i ever got a present from them (mil is dead now). When we had our first baby Mil sent a chocolate bar saying 'it's a girl' altho we had had a boy Confused . When ds1 was 1 at xmas she handed him a bin bag full of broken age inappropriate toys she'd bought as a job lot at a car boot sale. DH refused to say anything or risk offending them so insisted it was fabulous and that ds1 must play with these things with tiny parts and sharp bits and kept saying how generous it was of them and how great they were as grandparents Hmm . They didn't even come to our wedding or give us a gift or card.

DH would defend them constantly.

Longdistance · 17/10/2017 01:32

What about, getting some of those small jewellery gift bags and then some tissue paper, and when they take the tissue paper it reveals...a Freddo chocolate.

Who doesn't like Freddo's?

And you can get a pack of 5 in Poundland Grin

Butterymuffin · 17/10/2017 01:38

Who normally does the gift buying for his family at Christmas, OP? If it's you then obviously stop. Does he not usually get you a Christmas gift either, as with birthdays?

keepcalmandfuckon · 17/10/2017 02:02

Your dh doesn’t sound very caring. He doesn’t usually get you anything?! That’s not on.
The whole situation is beyond odd and I can see how hurt you’d be. Agree with others that you have a DH problem.

musicform · 17/10/2017 02:07

Don't hide your disappointment. Mention to him that by the way he was talking about it you were expecting something more than a cheap bar of chocolate. Then go out and buy yourself something lovely

Csd17 · 17/10/2017 03:22

A bar of chocolate? Are you srs? The fact your husband said ‘it’s probably jewellery’ must have got your hopes up considerably. I’m sure they meant well.. but I do not find that to be an appropriate birthday present for a close relative on a milestone birthday. My boss puts a bar of G&B chocolate in our pigeon holes at work sometimes.. just because. Grr. And it’s not like you can even say anything to anyone about it without sounding ungrateful. Sorry OP.

Csd17 · 17/10/2017 03:33

Not that you really have to be grateful for a bar of chocolate. That isn’t a thoughtful gift as your husband said, that’s an afterthought. Have loved reading all these supportive comments. Defo agree with Freddos for Christmas and passive aggressive OTT thank you notes. You really deserve so much better. How dare they all make you feel like this :|||

RebootYourEngine · 17/10/2017 05:15

Your dh is an arse. I wouldnt be buying him or his family anything again.

Tell him that you thought about buying something really expensive and surely its the thought that counts Grin

emmyrose2000 · 17/10/2017 05:16

when i asked dh about it he said they didn't need anything. turns out that's what he told his parents when they asked what the kids would like, and so they thought they didn't want any presents. ..., so they made an effort and bought them something from the pound shop once a year.

ShockAngry
Your husband (not dear H) and his family are vile.

iwantthegroundtoswallowmeup · 17/10/2017 07:31

LTB... Seriously. A tight arse is a really unattractive trait. Your kids deserve more... You deserve more

OnionKnight · 17/10/2017 07:37

Your DH is a cunt.

Leave him or at least have it out with him, he's giving me the rage and I don't even know the cunt.

hippyhippyshake · 17/10/2017 07:46

He took the 'thoughtful' gift out of il's bag and pretended it was from him. That's why he doesn't want a fuss made incase it gets back to them!

MinervaSaidThar · 17/10/2017 07:50

He does sound awful. And like his parents.

Do the in laws expect you to make an effort?

FloydWasACat · 17/10/2017 07:53

I was just about to say what hippy has just said. Do you think it's possible that he took the gift they got you and made out it was from him and then replaced their gift with the chocolate?

MinervaSaidThar · 17/10/2017 07:55

I think OP knows her H well enough to know he got her her present.

BakedBeans47 · 17/10/2017 08:24

He took the 'thoughtful' gift out of il's bag and pretended it was from him. That's why he doesn't want a fuss made incase it gets back to them!

I am starting to wonder this as well.

Your H is a cock OP.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 17/10/2017 10:09

Why is he getting himself a decent present on YOUR birthday?

I would be deeply hurt about everything around this situation - that crap present, your DH's attitude, the fact that he got himslef something nice etc.

To me, it's not the value of the present - as long as his tight parents treated everyone the same and they all got shite cheap gifts. It's the fact that others get £££ spent on on them, and you get nowt! That would break my heart.

I think that your husband is the one who you need to take to task though - and I wonder if hippy is right. He purloined the good gift and then spent your present money on himself.

Send a sarcastic passive-aggressive thank you card saying how much you appreciate the chocolate and they obviously went to a lot of trouble, but really they shouldn't as they are obviously so hard up. Tell them there is no need to bother next year because you don't want them going without just to get you a gift.

BlueSapp · 17/10/2017 10:29

Hippy your right I was thing the same when I read that update. He’s a nob, op ask his parents, call him out

InspMorse · 17/10/2017 10:49

Look on the bright side!
That's your Xmas shopping sorted from now on!! A bag of Thornton's toffee to share between them!
Send them a passive aggressive nice card thanking them...

Dear MIL, FIL, SIL, BIL (and every other family member's name individually),
Thank you everyone for my bar of chocolate, it was very kind of you to think of me on my 30th/40th (whatever) birthday..
DH and DC ate It between them but told me it was delicious!
Hope to see you soon,
With kind regards,
OP

Angry
PhuntSox · 17/10/2017 12:18

Yes, would the gift he gave you have fit in the bag?

Butterymuffin · 17/10/2017 12:31

But why would he say initially he thought it was jewellery if he'd swiped their present to give as his own? You wouldn't do that, you'd play down their present entirely. I know people like this 'he stole their present' theory but it doesn't sound convincing to me.