More of a WWYD. Wealthy ExH has been caught lying about his income.

[DilemmaaboutMoney]

I would really appreciate some opinions on my situation please!

Long story short, my ExH managed to convince the Child Support Agency, that he earned £32,000 per annum, when in fact his salary was £132,000.

This deception went on for 3 years, where he was paying me substantially less than he should have been (circa £500 less per month than what he should have been paying).

I knew that it was wrong, but the CSA fobbed me off! But...for various reasons, the CSA have now uncovered his deception, and have calculated a substantial arrears figure that he owes me (currently £4k, but set to rise to £12k, when they complete their investigation).

Now here's the dilemma....the children have now left home and are at Uni. So, there is no existing child support arrangement.

However, the CSA are suggesting that they arrest his wages to collect all of the historical arrears that he is due me. I would have no hesitation if the kids were still at home, but I am torn as they have left now. I'm not sure if I'm being a massive twat even wavering....but I have always been a softy. I guess it just feels a bit weird and I don't want to be viewed as a gold digger.

The current situation (for context), is that me and ExH both subsidise the kids, as their student loans don't cover rent and expenses. ExH will only ever give an equal amount to what I give them, despite him earning well over £100k per annum more than me. This I find odd, as if I was on his salary, I'd give them way more.

If you were in my shoes, would you give the CSA the go ahead to arrest his wages and get what was due, or would you just leave it?

So as not to drip feed, not sure if this is even relevant, but I left him, due to his excessive cheating, gas lighting, and a few assaults.

Sorry, that's all a bit jumbled!

I guess the crux is, that I don't want to be seen as a grabby person if I pursue this now....

Take every single penny. See it as an arsehole tax.

I so wish the csa could push cases like this to some kind of system where there were punitive fines for deprivation and parental neglect

FOR FUCKS SAKE.......YES!!!!!

(And I am shouting, sorry)

I would take it, have a good family holiday then give them the rest for expenses x

It's not your money. It's your children's money. He's been deliberately stealing from his chidren what he owed to them for years.

You would be insane - and not a very good mother - if you let this go just for you own convenience.

To clarify, you should absolutely keep the money. Your ex stole money from your children - which you covered. So it's YOUR money now. And you're completely entitled to it!

You would be insane - and not a very good mother - if you let this go just for you own convenience.

Seriously, a bad mother? I agree she should take the money (for herself, not the children, as it's half of expenses she has already paid out for) but to question her parenting because she's unsure whether to pursue it is completely uncalled for.

I apologise - as I said in my second message, she should take the money for herself. I hadn't realised that the children were grownups.

Oh... take it, take it, take it! And give yourself a treat out of it, Woman.

For goodness sake, it is absolutely crap that we have to beg steal and borrow and so many dads think they are doing us a 'favour' by contributing some. My ex is doing the same, he is a well paid pilot and somehow deceived CSA for a long time! Bastards.

Take and enjoy this money on all our behalf! 😉😁

OP, try my ex on for size. (Well, don't - he's not very nice).

He convinced them he was unemployed (he was actually living off several whacking bequests and didn't even need to inconvenience himself with a job). Later, CSA claimed they "couldn't find him". He was in fact, still at the same address he'd been since the late 8s as a search on Google pulled up within a fraction of a second. Which I pointed out. But they ignored me and said he was now off the system. Not paying taxes, not being employed, not receiving benefits....

Then he went to leave by the seaside in Italy, renting out his London flat and living off the money his mum and others left him, that he had had all along.

My sons now 17 and 15 and he never paid a penny for them in all those years. Til recently, the 17 year old tracked him down and now he is giving them money, direct into their bank accounts. (ie: he refused topay for the kid as the money would go into mine). My 17 year old managed what our government couldn't. In under a second.

Mind you, he has now announced he is getting married (in his 50s) for the first time. And this poor woman he's suckered presumably doesn't understand that he didn't pay a penny for his kids for 17 years... I'm guessing as the time to buy the sparkly dresses draws near, my kids' 'allowance' will mysteriously dry up. Watch this space.

Doh, that should say "Late 80s"!

Take it ,he wasnt worried about the kids going short.Payback time.Take it and save it towards deposits of some sort.

What are DC doing now? Studying? Rent? Homeowners? Children? All of these things are either current or possible - and they cost money. Get the money and give it to DC. Surely they're the ones he conned out of it in the first place?

Absolutely get them to go after him for it. That's house deposit money, which YOU can then give your kids, since it's money that should have been paid to you all along.

Take it, it's yours.

My ex paid me a pittance in child maintenance years ago.

My DD didn't go without. I paid for everything. Holidays, birthday parties, school uniforms, after school clubs, winter coats.

On one wage I had to do it all on credit cards, which added to re-mortgage over the years I'm still paying now.

I'd bite the CSA's hand off.

It was always your money so why the hell would you let him keep it?

Hell to the yeah!! No hesitation - he owes you, not the other way round.

Take it - give the kids half of the money, and with the other do the things you always wanted to but couldn’t afford it. If you don’t need the money, put it to one side. It won’t hurt having a bit of padding in your savings/pension.
In theory if you gave it all to the kids would he then match that as well .

Please tell me that you've been in contact with the necessary department to set the ball in motion to collect your outstanding amount (however much that ends up to be)?

If you're wondering what you could do with it, I'd recommend clearing the debt on your credit card (as the APR on those yolks are very high). With what you've got left, put it into Prize Bonds (as you'll never lose your money that way) or set up separate accounts for each of the children that are now living away from home so that they can inherit an extra bit from you at some point in their future. You could also put it into a savings account that you could give each of the children some money towards a wedding/car/down-payment on their first flat or home.

It's money owed to you. Claim it and then decide what to do with it at your leisure.

Hell yeah! Also what feral beryl said ++ (love the name btw!)

Ways to look at it:
He's been defrauding you and the system.

You've essentially been loaning someone lots of money for years, who is earning a mint...i mean wtaf?

Essentially he stole money from you and your kids which meant you had years and years of hardship... Not a few days/weeks or months... YEARS..

He didn't care that his kids went without. Absolutely he didn't... Anyone earning that money would have been paying up..

Every nice holiday he took them on, put you in a one down position... Making him look very good /nice (when he was anything but) and you in a lesser position /loser. (when you are anything but). Young kids don't understand /protected from the ins and outs of child support.

Get the amount... Do stuff you couldnt do before... I would also use it to clear credit cards... over pay on tje mortgage.... How much money are you having to pay in interest as this twunt didn't pay you for years!