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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

More of a WWYD. Wealthy ExH has been caught lying about his income.

220 replies

DilemmaaboutMoney · 14/10/2017 20:02

I would really appreciate some opinions on my situation please!

Long story short, my ExH managed to convince the Child Support Agency, that he earned £32,000 per annum, when in fact his salary was £132,000.

This deception went on for 3 years, where he was paying me substantially less than he should have been (circa £500 less per month than what he should have been paying).

I knew that it was wrong, but the CSA fobbed me off! But...for various reasons, the CSA have now uncovered his deception, and have calculated a substantial arrears figure that he owes me (currently £4k, but set to rise to £12k, when they complete their investigation).

Now here's the dilemma....the children have now left home and are at Uni. So, there is no existing child support arrangement.

However, the CSA are suggesting that they arrest his wages to collect all of the historical arrears that he is due me. I would have no hesitation if the kids were still at home, but I am torn as they have left now. I'm not sure if I'm being a massive twat even wavering....but I have always been a softy. I guess it just feels a bit weird and I don't want to be viewed as a gold digger.

The current situation (for context), is that me and ExH both subsidise the kids, as their student loans don't cover rent and expenses. ExH will only ever give an equal amount to what I give them, despite him earning well over £100k per annum more than me. This I find odd, as if I was on his salary, I'd give them way more.

If you were in my shoes, would you give the CSA the go ahead to arrest his wages and get what was due, or would you just leave it?

So as not to drip feed, not sure if this is even relevant, but I left him, due to his excessive cheating, gas lighting, and a few assaults.

Sorry, that's all a bit jumbled!

I guess the crux is, that I don't want to be seen as a grabby person if I pursue this now....

OP posts:
SonicBoomBoom · 14/10/2017 21:00

I can totally envisage him telling them that I'm pursuing him for money, and can see them turning on me and saying something like "why are you trying to get money out of Dad now, we've left home!" They really will see it that simplistically.

"Because, there are certain things that people legally have to do, and financially supporting your children is one of those things. Your father lied to a government agency so he didn't have to pay as much as he was legally required to do. The rules are there for a reason: to protect you. He broke the rules, and now he needs to correct that. "

NeverTwerkNaked · 14/10/2017 21:01

Take it!!! Don’t let him get away with his behaviour. You would be a twat if you didn’t take it, as we need absent parents to learn they can’t cheat the system

timeisnotaline · 14/10/2017 21:03

Of course I would! And now the kids are grown up you can tell them that's not how the csa works, your dad lied to them to pay less money for you and they have caught him. If they ask and sound like he's making you out to be the bad guy. They must already realise you are the one who had brought them up and on substantially less income than he has.

Evelynismyspyname · 14/10/2017 21:04

Dilemma my uncle did the same to his late wife. He paid the minimum maintenance despite being on over 100k in a professional role (and in a profession which most members of the public view as beyond reproach). His ex also didn't make a fuss about it at the time, but the children realised eventually why she lived such a very frugal lifestyle, and had to go without to buy school shoes, while their father flashed the cash for luxuries but never paid for basics.

The children are in their 40s now - one hasn't spoken to his father for almost 20 years and is unlikely ever to do so again, the other is like his mother and puts duty before logic and common sense and maintains a strained relationship.

It very much came back to bite him - 2 failed marriages and 2 insufficiently supported children on he is now alone bar the minimal duty visits in his old age, and everyone knows the score.

Tell your kids the truth - they are adults and deserve honesty and to be treated as equals.

Ermm · 14/10/2017 21:04

But you have actually spent that money - he’s just reimbursing you for previous expenses

Inertia · 14/10/2017 21:06

Of course you should take the money - you've accrued the cc debt because you've had to pay out to meet the children's needs all these years.

Rufustherenegadereindeer1 · 14/10/2017 21:06

He owes you money

Its almost like he stole it from you

Fuckit...he stole it from you

Book the Disney holiday Thanks

Bufferingkisses · 14/10/2017 21:07

Honestly, I'd take it twice. Take the money, pay off the credit card, take a holiday.

Use the rest to increase support for your dds. That way he'll match you and pay more.

The twat deserves it. Smile

Original poster
DilemmaaboutMoney · 14/10/2017 21:08

Initially when he was paying me too little, I knew it was too little, but not the extent. I thought he earned about 70k. Found out later it was £135k. He took the kids on a once in a life time trip that year. I didn't give them a holiday. It's just dawned on me, that I could have taken them away, had he paid me the right amount. Or maybe another way, he holidayed on what should have been my money. He got to look the King. I looked like the loser.

OP posts:
Original poster
DilemmaaboutMoney · 14/10/2017 21:11

That wasn't very well worded....I've had vino....

OP posts:
DaisyRaine90 · 14/10/2017 21:11

Take the money and give it to your kids. Easy solution if he’s a tight arse

AuldHeathen · 14/10/2017 21:12

Take the money, put it in a separate account, and pass amounts regularly to the dc. It might be Ex will stop paying anything, and nothing you can do over that. Or so l think? But overall this money might in fact be more than he’d be paying now the dc are students. (I also reckon you should have some of it as over the years you were a single parent your money will have had to stretch further too). The Ex sounds delightful. Hmm

ReanimatedSGB · 14/10/2017 21:13

OMG take the money. Take every penny they can squeeze out of him. Remember that it is owed to your kids as well as you - if the selfish greedy wankstain hadn't held it back for years, they might have had more treats, more fun and less anxiety in the family home. If you feel you don't 'need' the money yourself, pay off their student loans or just give them a big chunk to spend as they like.

pallisers · 14/10/2017 21:15

Like everyone said - take it!

Also I think it is time for your (adult) children to know why your marriage broke up. Next time the divorce comes up in any way say "well your father has probably explained to you that he was unfaithful to me with several other women and that was why we split - not exactly a mutual thing so it was always surprising to me that he felt so bitter about paying child support". If they express surprise say "I'm so glad you weren't affected by the deep betrayal I felt at his deception - I did try to make sure it didn't affect his relationship with you - all water under the bridge now".

VeganCow · 14/10/2017 21:15

Same happened with me, except he hadnt lied about it - it was a smallish amount from a few years back that I didnt realise he hadnt paid, I told CSA to get it off him and I split it between the kids as I didnt want it.

Original poster
DilemmaaboutMoney · 14/10/2017 21:16

Right, that's it....I am defo calling them on Monday to get the ball rolling! Apparently my case had fallen in to some kind of dormant state where letters kept getting sent asking him for money, and when he didn't respond there was no follow up....but if I now want them to take legal action they absolutely can, as he hasn't replied or paid...apparently they can arrest his wages by 40%....that is a lot!

Thank you so much to everyone who has taken the time to put my mind at rest with this. You are so kind!

OP posts:
sooperdooper · 14/10/2017 21:20

Glad you've got to that decision

Yes, you and your kids are entitled to every penny, serves him bloody right :)

AdalindSchade · 14/10/2017 21:20

Would you really let your kids talk to you like that? Confused
My son is 10 and he knows that I work extremely hard to pay for the things we need and have in life and he knows his dad doesn't pay for stuff. I would be disgusted if he would talk to me the way you anticipate your kids talking to you.

RandomMess · 14/10/2017 21:21

When Ex brings it up with the DC do have a sentence prepared...

"Not only did your father have multiple affairs which is why I ended it but he deliberately lied about his income depriving us of maintenance when I desperately needed it, that's the truth and he's not happy about being caught out"

dnamummy · 14/10/2017 21:23

Please take the money, have a wonderful holiday but do remember your manners and remember to send your ex lots of lovely photos and a nice note thanking him for funding your lifestyle!😉

Oxcheeks · 14/10/2017 21:23

If I'm reading this correctly it could be £12k, which is a drop in the ocean if he's earning £132k a year, he's a CF, your children - the ones created by you and him were entitled to this money and no doubt you did your vert best to provide for them. You and your children are the ones that have lost out over the years, take the money. I'm pissed off on your behalf! He's a Cockwomble

Justoneme · 14/10/2017 21:24

Depends .... how much access did he have? Did he always ensure their needs were met?
Just wondering did he do it because he didn't want you too have the money?

DeadGood · 14/10/2017 21:25

"the other is like his mother and puts duty before logic and common sense"

This reminds me a little of the OP. I'm reading your comment about how your ex took the kids on holiday, while you looked a loser. So why on earth did you let yourself be painted so badly? Why do women martyr themselves, never telling the truth about their ex husband's awful behaviour? Why would you not tell your children in advance "by the way, I'd like you to hear it from me first, it turns out your father committed fraud with regards to your maintenance payments, this is due to be corrected in the coming weeks"? And why have so little faith in your children - you say they really would view this whole thing simplistically - why?! Tell them the truth FFS! You aren't doing yourself any favours by being the injured party, suffering in silence while your children look on in bemusement!

TLDR: I'm glad you are taking the money. Grin

Original poster
DilemmaaboutMoney · 14/10/2017 21:25

Unfortunately pallisers they won't believe me. There was one time, about 3 years ago, that the kids were giving me a hard time about something ExH related (can't recall what), and it went on and on, and my now (lovely) DH told them some home truths about the cheating and they walked away and called him (and me by default) liars. They refuse to believe he is capable of any wrong doing. ExH treats them well generally, and they don't see the stuff that he does wrong to me, like the under paying of CS. It's exasperating to say the least. Also, ExH bounces from woman to woman, cheating on them all (kids don't realise that why he's sometimes alone), so often they feel sorry for lonely Dad whereas I have a lovely DH now and am settled (lucky me). Well, it's partly luck, and partly cos I'm not a cheating Fuck!

OP posts:
Rufustherenegadereindeer1 · 14/10/2017 21:26

just

Just wondering did he do it because he didn't want you too have the money?

Probably...but obviously thats tough

He owes the money...awful, awful man

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