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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

More of a WWYD. Wealthy ExH has been caught lying about his income.

220 replies

DilemmaaboutMoney · 14/10/2017 20:02

I would really appreciate some opinions on my situation please!

Long story short, my ExH managed to convince the Child Support Agency, that he earned £32,000 per annum, when in fact his salary was £132,000.

This deception went on for 3 years, where he was paying me substantially less than he should have been (circa £500 less per month than what he should have been paying).

I knew that it was wrong, but the CSA fobbed me off! But...for various reasons, the CSA have now uncovered his deception, and have calculated a substantial arrears figure that he owes me (currently £4k, but set to rise to £12k, when they complete their investigation).

Now here's the dilemma....the children have now left home and are at Uni. So, there is no existing child support arrangement.

However, the CSA are suggesting that they arrest his wages to collect all of the historical arrears that he is due me. I would have no hesitation if the kids were still at home, but I am torn as they have left now. I'm not sure if I'm being a massive twat even wavering....but I have always been a softy. I guess it just feels a bit weird and I don't want to be viewed as a gold digger.

The current situation (for context), is that me and ExH both subsidise the kids, as their student loans don't cover rent and expenses. ExH will only ever give an equal amount to what I give them, despite him earning well over £100k per annum more than me. This I find odd, as if I was on his salary, I'd give them way more.

If you were in my shoes, would you give the CSA the go ahead to arrest his wages and get what was due, or would you just leave it?

So as not to drip feed, not sure if this is even relevant, but I left him, due to his excessive cheating, gas lighting, and a few assaults.

Sorry, that's all a bit jumbled!

I guess the crux is, that I don't want to be seen as a grabby person if I pursue this now....

OP posts:
TheFrendo · 14/10/2017 20:21

Take the money and do what you want with it (save, spend, gift).

chipsandpeas · 14/10/2017 20:21

take the money

notsoperfectlife · 14/10/2017 20:21

He's got away with committing fraud for years, and YOU feel guilty?

If he hadn't lied all these years, he wouldn't be facing this now, would he? He deliberately deprived you and your children of money that was rightfully yours when you need it to pay bills, and if you had suffered severe financial hardship he wouldn't have given a damn.

HELL YES - accept all the arrears that he must now pay you, and invest it in your kids future. And be grateful this came to light, because usually liars and cheats don't get their just rewards in such a glorious manner.

And if he moans or complains to his children, just show them the official letters from CSA. All that time when he didn't pay, and you had to manage.
I hope they are disgusted with his behaviour.

EatTheChocolateTeapot · 14/10/2017 20:21

Of course you should take it. This money is yours, think of it as a loan you nicely gave him.

Lindy2 · 14/10/2017 20:21

I wouldn't hesitate for a second. He has let his children down badly with his financial greed and now needs to pay what he owes.

Mrspitt3 · 14/10/2017 20:24

Don't feel you have to give it to the kids if you have a mortgage till your 70... it will knock some years off your mortgage., I feel if you turn this money down you will live to regret it in the future.

PeppaPigTastesLikeBacon · 14/10/2017 20:24

My mum was in the same situation with my dad. She got the money and gave it to myself and my brother to put towards a house deposit.
I would definitely take it and would feel no shame in doing so. They are his kids and he should be providing for them. His yearly income is over £100k. What he owes is tiny in comparison.

Will ExH give money towards a house deposit? £6k is a good amount to add towards one

KeepItAsItIs · 14/10/2017 20:25

TAKE IT TAKE IT TAKE IT TAKE IT TAKE IT TAKE IT TAKE IT TAKE IT TAKE IT TAKE IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It's your money. If he hadn't been such a fucking bellend previously it's money you would have already had. So...........TAKE IT.

HolgerDanske · 14/10/2017 20:25

I would absolutely get for my children what they are due. It can be put into savings for them, or can be a fund to dip into over the next few years if needed, either for fun or necessity.

Why would you not? It isn't 'grabby', it's collecting what any decent person would have given to their children. In fact it is collecting the balance of the minimum. Many non-resident parents do far more for their children than the bare minimum.

RideOn · 14/10/2017 20:26

Take it, it won't impact him greatly on such a large salary. You were paying for what he didn't fund during those years your DC were at home. If you don't want it for yourself put it into a savings account for your DCs.

I'd be a bit wary that he might stop supporting your DC in uni but that wouldn't stop me.

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 14/10/2017 20:26

Take the money. If you really don't need it then you can give it the kids when they leave uni as the start of a house deposit. Or a wonderful family holiday (by not paying you properly he basically stole your family holidays). Or pay it off your mortgage as if he'd paid properly then you'd probably be in less debt now.

(I have a family member who finally started getting maintenance for her kids around the time her third grandchild was born! Kids were 6 and 4 when they split up.!)

buttfacedmiscreant · 14/10/2017 20:28

Agree with everyone else. You covered his share with your money when you could have been using that money to pay down your mortgage or pay into retirement savings.

Theimpossiblegirl · 14/10/2017 20:28

Damn right you should take it. You've lived through the time it was supposed to cover so either put it towards your mortgage or give it to your kids.
Do not feel guilty. I'm sure he didn't feel guilty lying and committing fraud that directly effected his children.

HappyAxolotl · 14/10/2017 20:29

Think of it this way: Child Support money is what is says it is - money for the children. It had to be managed by you because they were children but the money is for their needs.

Take the lot and put it away for their future house deposits, starting a family, etc. Their dad robbed his children, let his money make their adult lives a bit easier.

Evelynismyspyname · 14/10/2017 20:29

Take the money, put it in an ISA or some other suitable savings account, or buy premium bonds or something, split equally between kids and give as a graduation gift.

seven201 · 14/10/2017 20:31

Take it, it's yours. Pay off a year of your mortgage or use it to help the dc.

strongasmeringue · 14/10/2017 20:31

You lent him money all these years that he didn't pay the correct amount and/or went without so hell yes with fucking bells on do you take this money.

HolgerDanske · 14/10/2017 20:34

Yes actually, I think it's only fair that you use at least half to overpay on your mortgage (if that's what you want to do with it). If you had had that money throughout those years, to support the household, it would have made a big difference. So use it now in whatever way would make the most positive difference for you. If it feels better, save half as a fund to dip into for your children as and when, or for something nice that they would each like.

SonicBoomBoom · 14/10/2017 20:34

You take the money. It's rightfully yours.

You say if you had more money, like he has, you'd help your DC out more. You would be able to help them out more if he'd paid what he was legally obliged to pay.

Take the money. Spend it on the DC if it eases your conscience. But bloody well take it!

Original poster
DilemmaaboutMoney · 14/10/2017 20:36

Thank you all, this is helping me a lot! I do try and imagine his smugness when he was paying me £160pm knowing it should have been £660....then I end up thinking, well it's a few years ago now, you managed and is it grabby to take the money now, in hindsight. Not helped I guess by him taking the kids on lavish holidays all that time, which makes me think, well, he was doing things for them....then I should remind myself that I couldn't afford holidays, so the kids gave him kudos for that, when I could have given them holidays had I been paid the right Child Support!!

OP posts:
bastardkitty · 14/10/2017 20:37

I would take it in a heartbeat. He sould be going to prison as far as I'm concerned. Lying in order not to support your kids - scum of the earth.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 14/10/2017 20:37

He lied intentionally and cheated you out of money that was meant to be in your household so you could use it as part of your household budget towards supporting your children and could have raised their lifestyle to make it proportionate to both parents income.

He’s a scumbag why the hell would you let him get away with disadvantaging your children and committing a crime.

Zaphodsotherhead · 14/10/2017 20:37

Thanks, Dilemma. Might well do that...

Ninabean17 · 14/10/2017 20:38

It's not being grabby if you take the money now. You'll be taking what is owed to you. Please stop trying to make excuses and TAKE THE MONEY AND GO ON HOLIDAY

NeedsAsockamnesty · 14/10/2017 20:39

And even if you wanted to blow it on yourself because you already funded the children’s childhood or pay a bit more off your mortgage so what. It’s your money