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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

More of a WWYD. Wealthy ExH has been caught lying about his income.

220 replies

DilemmaaboutMoney · 14/10/2017 20:02

I would really appreciate some opinions on my situation please!

Long story short, my ExH managed to convince the Child Support Agency, that he earned £32,000 per annum, when in fact his salary was £132,000.

This deception went on for 3 years, where he was paying me substantially less than he should have been (circa £500 less per month than what he should have been paying).

I knew that it was wrong, but the CSA fobbed me off! But...for various reasons, the CSA have now uncovered his deception, and have calculated a substantial arrears figure that he owes me (currently £4k, but set to rise to £12k, when they complete their investigation).

Now here's the dilemma....the children have now left home and are at Uni. So, there is no existing child support arrangement.

However, the CSA are suggesting that they arrest his wages to collect all of the historical arrears that he is due me. I would have no hesitation if the kids were still at home, but I am torn as they have left now. I'm not sure if I'm being a massive twat even wavering....but I have always been a softy. I guess it just feels a bit weird and I don't want to be viewed as a gold digger.

The current situation (for context), is that me and ExH both subsidise the kids, as their student loans don't cover rent and expenses. ExH will only ever give an equal amount to what I give them, despite him earning well over £100k per annum more than me. This I find odd, as if I was on his salary, I'd give them way more.

If you were in my shoes, would you give the CSA the go ahead to arrest his wages and get what was due, or would you just leave it?

So as not to drip feed, not sure if this is even relevant, but I left him, due to his excessive cheating, gas lighting, and a few assaults.

Sorry, that's all a bit jumbled!

I guess the crux is, that I don't want to be seen as a grabby person if I pursue this now....

OP posts:
Callamia · 14/10/2017 20:10

God. YES.
Give it to your children. It'll help them out no end, and you should also definitely do something good for yourself. You all deserve it. Cheats shouldn't win.

HouseOfGingerbread · 14/10/2017 20:11

No reason why he should get away with it. Think of the difference it could have made to your family. Use it now to support them through uni, or put it into a savings account or premium bonds for them.

If he's likely to bitch to them about it, give them a clear unemotional explanation from your perspective and tell them how the money can help them now.

Rainybo · 14/10/2017 20:11

Take it! I really do understand where you are coming from as to me, if I don’t need the money then why should I take it. But it’s for your kids. And he is a sneaky fucker who deserves his comeuppance.

Mrspitt3 · 14/10/2017 20:12

Was he bothered about you financially supporting the kids when he was lying about earnings?? No TAKE the money and save it for kids house deposits or weddings... you never know how he could mess up his finances in years to come and not be able to help out the kids, you don't know what's round the corner. Your not grabby he acted illegally back then. Also you may fall on hardship at some point. I take it your mortgage free?

WeAllHaveWings · 14/10/2017 20:12

the kids being away is irrelevant. this is just you getting back the extra money you must have paid out for them while he was fraudulently lying and paying a pittance. you've done nothing wrong.

Original poster
DilemmaaboutMoney · 14/10/2017 20:12

And I think where it is grey, is that he would have them 3 nights a week, and me 4, HOWEVER.....I paid for everything they needed, like clothes, shoes, school books, school trips, private tuition for one of them when they struggled, birthday parties, setting them up for Uni at around £1k a piece...but I think in his mind he only ever compared 3 dinners a week versus 4 !

OP posts:
Snugglywithmycat17 · 14/10/2017 20:12

U must get this money, your kids deserve it.
However I do think it should be for the kids not you. So I would put it in a fund each for them with clear rules that it’s for a deposit for a house or something important

scrabbler3 · 14/10/2017 20:13

Yes - of course. You are owed this. You wouldn't advise anyone to turn down a PPI payout on the basis they don't have the account any more, would you?

If it makes you feel better, put it aside for DCs in 5 year bonds or something.

What a mendacious scumbag he is.

user1498586998 · 14/10/2017 20:13

Take the money it’s rightfully yours. That’s the MINIMUM the law states he should be financially proving for HIS kids. What you decide to do with it (pay off some mortgage, debts because you didn’t have that money in the first place, holiday, kids uni loans) is your choice but know that you are owed that money and take it there’s no shame in it.

Roomster101 · 14/10/2017 20:14

Definitely, take the money. He should not be allowed to get away with this.

Original poster
DilemmaaboutMoney · 14/10/2017 20:14

I am nowhere near mortgage free....it ends when I'm 70! (47 now)

OP posts:
ItsNachoCheese · 14/10/2017 20:14

Take the money its a no brainer!

mygorgeousmilo · 14/10/2017 20:15

He deliberately deceived you and the CMA for years, in order to pay you less. Plus was abusive. Err... take the money he owes you, and go to the Maldives or something!

Rainybo · 14/10/2017 20:15

I hate people like your ex who see the bare minimum of looking after their kids as some sort of great fucking effort. They have no idea of what it truly takes.

Take the money!!! (I’ve said it twice bevause you’ll still waver!)

Zaphodsotherhead · 14/10/2017 20:16

I'm currently supposed to be receiving £200 per month to pay off my XH's £30,000 underpayment when the kids were small (they've all left home now). He paid it for a year. It stopped, and I've had no communication from CSA to tell me why, whether it's ever likely to start again or whether he's just getting away with it now.

Am tempted to just stop paying my electricity bill and see if I can use his arguments to never pay it again, but suspect they'd just put me in prison...

DixieNormas · 14/10/2017 20:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RandomMess · 14/10/2017 20:17

This is money he owes you! He cheated you and the DC out of having a better lifestyle all those years, please for all those others take it.

This helps the CMS move forward and gain better powers against lying shitbags of the future!!!!

CJCreggsGoldfish · 14/10/2017 20:17

Take the money! Stop trying go justify it! He lied about his wages so you're children would have less money! This isn't 'extra' money, or a bonus, this is money he has withheld from his own children...you owe it to them to take it!

If you don't need it, put it to one side and give it as deposit to homes etc when their older.

Zaphodsotherhead · 14/10/2017 20:17

Sorry, posted too soon...

So., basically, take the money. for however long they manage to collect it. If my experience is anything to go by, don't hold your breath (or spend it).

Starlight2345 · 14/10/2017 20:17

Yes take it for your kids...

Take it because he now thinks he got away with it and could lie to everyone and not even pay the legal minimum to support his children.

MummaTwinkleToes · 14/10/2017 20:19

Hi OP I agree you should go for it and use it for the kids. Personally I would put it in savings for them to use for house deposit or to help them after uni if they don't get a job immediately after. Or even to put towards future wedding. He probably thought he was clever lying and cheating you out of money when he was he was withholding money from his own children.

AnyFucker · 14/10/2017 20:19

There is no dilemma here. Take the money. And have a good think why you still want to stay in his favour..

eddielizzard · 14/10/2017 20:20

karma. your ex is an utter arse. do it. do whatever you want with the money, but he has failed you all.

Fenellapitstop · 14/10/2017 20:20

Take the money, it's yours for your children

Original poster
DilemmaaboutMoney · 14/10/2017 20:20

Thank you everyone.

Zaphod You need to refer your case to the Independent Case Examiner. Many cases just fall in to a suspended state, they will help you with a complaint against the CSA/CMS.

OP posts: