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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

More of a WWYD. Wealthy ExH has been caught lying about his income.

220 replies

DilemmaaboutMoney · 14/10/2017 20:02

I would really appreciate some opinions on my situation please!

Long story short, my ExH managed to convince the Child Support Agency, that he earned £32,000 per annum, when in fact his salary was £132,000.

This deception went on for 3 years, where he was paying me substantially less than he should have been (circa £500 less per month than what he should have been paying).

I knew that it was wrong, but the CSA fobbed me off! But...for various reasons, the CSA have now uncovered his deception, and have calculated a substantial arrears figure that he owes me (currently £4k, but set to rise to £12k, when they complete their investigation).

Now here's the dilemma....the children have now left home and are at Uni. So, there is no existing child support arrangement.

However, the CSA are suggesting that they arrest his wages to collect all of the historical arrears that he is due me. I would have no hesitation if the kids were still at home, but I am torn as they have left now. I'm not sure if I'm being a massive twat even wavering....but I have always been a softy. I guess it just feels a bit weird and I don't want to be viewed as a gold digger.

The current situation (for context), is that me and ExH both subsidise the kids, as their student loans don't cover rent and expenses. ExH will only ever give an equal amount to what I give them, despite him earning well over £100k per annum more than me. This I find odd, as if I was on his salary, I'd give them way more.

If you were in my shoes, would you give the CSA the go ahead to arrest his wages and get what was due, or would you just leave it?

So as not to drip feed, not sure if this is even relevant, but I left him, due to his excessive cheating, gas lighting, and a few assaults.

Sorry, that's all a bit jumbled!

I guess the crux is, that I don't want to be seen as a grabby person if I pursue this now....

OP posts:
Original poster
DilemmaaboutMoney · 14/10/2017 20:40

I am so glad I posted this! The CSA/CMS are waiting for my decision, I will definitely call them on Monday and tell them to proceed. They have been asking him for arrears payments for 8 months and he's ignored them, and they didn't do anything (their error), he will be so shocked when they arrest his wages.

OP posts:
mindutopia · 14/10/2017 20:40

It's money you are owed. Yes, take it. My mum had a similar situation with my dad. It went on until he died (I was 18 at the time). She was finally able to claim it back from his life insurance, as she rightly should have. Don't feel guilty just because he's lied and as a result it's coming in a lump sum. You can shore yourself up financially with that money or set it aside for children when they get married or buy a home.

Mrskeats · 14/10/2017 20:41

This is a no brainer for me. Of course take the money. What a scumbag he is.

bastardkitty · 14/10/2017 20:41

It's the least he deserves!

Fishface77 · 14/10/2017 20:41

Good! get it back! Disgusting deadbeat.

AcrossthePond55 · 14/10/2017 20:42

If you feel that you aren't personally due the money and he only contributes what you contribute for your kids' Uni expenses, then parse the money out monthly to make him 'up' his contribution.

So if you're giving £100 per month, make it £200 then hopefully he'll match the £200. Win/win.

I had a friend in a similar situation but her ex threatened to stop the 'voluntary' contributions to their son's Uni education if she pursued the retro money. That may be something to think about.

TalkingintheDark · 14/10/2017 20:42

I agree that you should take the money (no brainer) and that men like him are utter scum. I wish society came down much, much harder on men who try to get out of paying for their own children.

There should be a huge social stigma attached to being one of those men. The fact there isn't says an awful lot about the world we live in.

BubblesPip · 14/10/2017 20:42

Absolutely take it!!

Put it away for your children to use towards house deposits etc.

Original poster
DilemmaaboutMoney · 14/10/2017 20:45

In all honesty, if I got the £12k owed, it would change my life enormously. I owe almost £4k on a credit card, and to pay that off and have a buffer would be amazing.

I am gobsmacked, that he earns £10k per month, and I earn about £2k a month, and we support the children equally. Not least because our marriage broke up due to his infidelity (multiple I might add). I'm sure if I was him, I'd support the kids entirely and not expect the cheated on wife to have to worry.

But it goes without saying, that he's a twat.

OP posts:
ParanoidBeryl · 14/10/2017 20:46

Absolutely take it. That money was money he should have paid towards your DC and he cheated them out of it.

If he was underpaying for the kids by £500 for 3 years that should be £18k he owes, not £12k.

On a salary of £132k per year he will be making at least £6k per month net. I'll bet he could write a cheque straight away from his savings.

That said, I probably wouldn't spend it. I would invest it for the DC so that they have something to put towards a house deposit or a car in the future.

Original poster
DilemmaaboutMoney · 14/10/2017 20:50

And unfortunately, I've never told the kids about his infidelity, so they think the sun shines out of his arse! I can totally envisage him telling them that I'm pursuing him for money, and can see them turning on me and saying something like "why are you trying to get money out of Dad now, we've left home!" They really will see it that simplistically.

OP posts:
WeAllHaveWings · 14/10/2017 20:51

However I do think it should be for the kids not you.

100% no. This is OPs money she has already spent and is getting back, although she sounds like such a great mum it will be spent on the kids anyway.

I paid for everything they needed, like clothes, shoes, school books, school trips, private tuition for one of them when they struggled, birthday parties, setting them up for Uni at around £1k a piece

Original poster
DilemmaaboutMoney · 14/10/2017 20:52

paranoid I think it'll be nearer £12k, as the final years support was only for one child, so not £500 for that year. Sorry, a bit vague...

OP posts:
Fishface77 · 14/10/2017 20:52

Then more fool you for not telling them the truth now they are old enough to know.
And if they say that you don't "need" the money now tell them about the sacrifices you made.

WetPaint4 · 14/10/2017 20:52

What a sham of a man, deliberately lying to avoid helping you adequately look after HIS children. So he could look like Generous Disney Dad while Mama handled all the practical stuff.

I'm glad you've decided to take the money, you are absolutely entitled to it. He should have come correct in the first place.

Hortonlovesahoo · 14/10/2017 20:53

I'd take the money and then give it to the kids for their studies or what they need as long as you're subsidising them

Gincision · 14/10/2017 20:54

I can totally envisage him telling them that I'm pursuing him for money, and can see them turning on me and saying something like "why are you trying to get money out of Dad now, we've left home!"

You tell them 'dad owes me this money from when you were still at home. This is between your dad and I and I'm not prepared to get into it anymore than that'

gillybeanz · 14/10/2017 20:55

It's the kids money and they will need it now more than when they were little.
a small sum each will make a difference at this age.

TakeMe2Insanity · 14/10/2017 20:55

It is money owed to your kids. View it as theirs. Someone has to look out for them and it clearly not him.

gillybeanz · 14/10/2017 20:57

It's a car each if it turns out to be more like 12K.
Or a holiday when they've finished their studies.

Original poster
DilemmaaboutMoney · 14/10/2017 20:58

You tell them 'dad owes me this money from when you were still at home. This is between your dad and I and I'm not prepared to get into it anymore than that

I will use that, thank you

OP posts:
Sara107 · 14/10/2017 20:59

Take it and give it to your children. If you say he only matches what you give them, then increase what you give them by £500 a month for the next two years and he can match it with another £500 - £24k to help your kids through uni.

PuntasticUsername · 14/10/2017 21:00

Jeepers, tell your children the truth. They are old enough now to know, and to make their own judgements on what kind of people their parents are. And take every penny the CSA can get you. Sounds as if you've earned it all, ten times over.

And I never beg OPs to come back and update threads because this is your life, not our entertainment, but - please please please share his reaction when he finds out about his wages being arrested Grin

WeAllHaveWings · 14/10/2017 21:00

OP the money is yours you have already paid out, not his or your children's.

My SIL(52) raised my dn while my db paid inadequate support. db is mortgage free and boasts of a brilliant pension and savings, while she lived hand to mouth, still has 15 years to pay on her modest mortgage and no real pension to speak of as she tried to give her dd the best.

Use it to pay off some of your mortgage or put it into saving so you can afford to put some of the your wages into tax free pension fund (or blow the lot!). But its yours.

Original poster
DilemmaaboutMoney · 14/10/2017 21:00

I would love to do a Florida holiday with it! To make up for all the years I couldn't take them away (but of course, he did).

Ahhhh, thanks I am finding my anger now. Have been wanting to post this thread for days and I'm so glad that I did!

OP posts: