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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

More of a WWYD. Wealthy ExH has been caught lying about his income.

220 replies

DilemmaaboutMoney · 14/10/2017 20:02

I would really appreciate some opinions on my situation please!

Long story short, my ExH managed to convince the Child Support Agency, that he earned £32,000 per annum, when in fact his salary was £132,000.

This deception went on for 3 years, where he was paying me substantially less than he should have been (circa £500 less per month than what he should have been paying).

I knew that it was wrong, but the CSA fobbed me off! But...for various reasons, the CSA have now uncovered his deception, and have calculated a substantial arrears figure that he owes me (currently £4k, but set to rise to £12k, when they complete their investigation).

Now here's the dilemma....the children have now left home and are at Uni. So, there is no existing child support arrangement.

However, the CSA are suggesting that they arrest his wages to collect all of the historical arrears that he is due me. I would have no hesitation if the kids were still at home, but I am torn as they have left now. I'm not sure if I'm being a massive twat even wavering....but I have always been a softy. I guess it just feels a bit weird and I don't want to be viewed as a gold digger.

The current situation (for context), is that me and ExH both subsidise the kids, as their student loans don't cover rent and expenses. ExH will only ever give an equal amount to what I give them, despite him earning well over £100k per annum more than me. This I find odd, as if I was on his salary, I'd give them way more.

If you were in my shoes, would you give the CSA the go ahead to arrest his wages and get what was due, or would you just leave it?

So as not to drip feed, not sure if this is even relevant, but I left him, due to his excessive cheating, gas lighting, and a few assaults.

Sorry, that's all a bit jumbled!

I guess the crux is, that I don't want to be seen as a grabby person if I pursue this now....

OP posts:

DeadGood · 14/10/2017 21:26

Oh, and bollocks to all this "the money really belongs to the children" bleating. NO. It is for the OP to use, to make amends for the hardship she has endured while she was an unsupported single parent to 3 children.

Rufustherenegadereindeer1 · 14/10/2017 21:26

I agree dead

AuldHeathen · 14/10/2017 21:29

OP, what’s likely to be his response? I assume v angry! You mention acts of violence in earlier posts? Are you safe, in other words? It might be worth thinking through how to deal with various potential situations.
That’s not a reason to not get the money though. I’m not trying to scare you, just thinking.

Original poster

DilemmaaboutMoney · 14/10/2017 21:30

Randommess Will note that down, that is good, thanks.

So much good advice, thank you. Tomorrow, when I have pen and paper I am going to go over this again and makes notes. Mainly on your great suggestions on what to say to kids if ExH moans and I have to defend myself!!

OP posts:

DeadGood · 14/10/2017 21:30

"Unfortunately pallisers they won't believe me. There was one time, about 3 years ago, that the kids were giving me a hard time about something ExH related (can't recall what), and it went on and on, and my now (lovely) DH told them some home truths about the cheating and they walked away and called him (and me by default) liars. They refuse to believe he is capable of any wrong doing. ExH treats them well generally, and they don't see the stuff that he does wrong to me, like the under paying of CS."

Sorry OP but this is what happens when you shield the kids from the truth for too long. This is particularly dangerous where there is an imbalance of money. Kids can be very influenced by flashy treats, and if you can't offer those then it's worth explaining why.

You don't have to be badmouthing your ex, but you have absolutely no reason to protect him either.

In your example, the fact that your new partner is the one who told the kids these "home truths" also muddies the water hugely. Your new partner is an interloper in your children's lives. Of course they will not take kindly to hearing shitty stories about their father from him.

I am on your side OP but you seem to have a bit of a victim mentality and it's hurting your relationship with your kids by the sounds

BikeRunSki · 14/10/2017 21:31

Hell yeh!!! Put it towards a house deposit, have a great holiday or 2. Your ex’s deception must have mass you must have miss out on savings, holidays etc when the children were at home.

ForgivenessIsDivine · 14/10/2017 21:32

Take the money, if you want, pay it to the children and then ask your Ex to match it, so take it from him twice!!

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 14/10/2017 21:33

Bleeding right I would!!!!!.
He's got away for far too long with paying a pittance toward the children he helped create, and I bet there's many times you struggled.
Take the money and make sure you and your children bloody enjoy it.

Rufustherenegadereindeer1 · 14/10/2017 21:33

dilemma

Friend of mines sons have been told that its their fault he doesn't have a pension and his ex wife takes all his money

She has never received maintenance

The children are old enough to be told and know better

pallisers · 14/10/2017 21:33

if it comes up again OP, you say it to them - not your dh. Say this that a previous poster wrote:

"Not only did your father have multiple affairs which is why I ended it but he deliberately lied about his income depriving us of maintenance when I desperately needed it, that's the truth and he's not happy about being caught out"

maybe adding "I don't know what I have done for you to think I would lie about something as important as this. I thought you knew me. Obviously not. That is your problem though. Not mine. I know the painful truth"

And if they refuse to believe you/give you a hard time tell them it is actually none of their business and you won't tolerate being talked to like that by your children. Be fairly high-handed/haughty about it. I would not let my children call me a liar - they can think it if they want (although I'd be pretty disappointed) but I'd be fucked if they'd say it to my face and I would not let my children comment on what is my business.

Rufustherenegadereindeer1 · 14/10/2017 21:33

Should clarify that they agreed she wouldnt get maintenance, they earn the same amount

pallisers · 14/10/2017 21:34

Why should she pay it to the children? She already paid it to the children by supporting them. She has 4k in debt and a mortgage until she is 70 as a result. Women can put themselves before their children and still be good people.

Original poster

DilemmaaboutMoney · 14/10/2017 21:37

Are you safe, in other words? It might be worth thinking through how to deal with various potential situations

I am very safe. I am re-married now to an enormous Cop. He is 6ft 3, and built like a rugby player. ExH is 5 ft 6, and skinny.....although he was totally capable of beating me up (I'm smaller still), he would have no chance against DH who fights for a living, and actually he's scared shitless of DH. There is no way at all that ExH would ever, ever try to hurt me, he's too scared of DH.

OP posts:

HotelEuphoria · 14/10/2017 21:37

Take the money and go to the Caribbean. He is paying back what you have scrimped and saved on for years. Had he paid his way you could have paid for the holiday yourself.
Oh and put the pictures in social media with a toast to your ex.

HouseholdWords · 14/10/2017 21:38

Get what's due to your children, and give it to this man's children whom he has declined to support properly for their childhoods. It might help them with their savings for a flat or a deposit for renting. Something that any normal, decent father would be happy to help his children with.

Men like this - really! They should be publicly named & shamed.

Mrspitt3 · 14/10/2017 21:40

Ask the CSA to let you know as soon as he's been informed. Then sit the kids down and tell them what's happened over the years. Tell them he acted illegally and show them the csa paperwork if need be. Tell them that you don't want what he did to affect their relationship with him but your telling them so they know the facts before he twists the truth to them. Pay your CC off, take them on holiday. Double check the CSA figures get them to explain how they arrived at 12k they make mistakes ALL the time. With what his earning are compared to what he pays you doesn't seem enough to me...... please let us all know the out come!! Oh first dibs at being a fly on the wall when he gets that call!!

WitchesHatRim · 14/10/2017 21:42

She has 4k in debt and a mortgage until she is 70 as a result. Women can put themselves before their children and still be good people.

I doubt it's completely down to this. The OP is remarried so it only her that will be a consideration.

However I'm sure it will help and you should take it without a doubt.

Rufustherenegadereindeer1 · 14/10/2017 21:42

dilemma

I wouldn't necessarily give it to the children, paying off your credit card and a lovely holiday would be great

Or pay off the credit card, nice short break somewhere and save the money to treat yourself/them/ you all later

Original poster

DilemmaaboutMoney · 14/10/2017 21:44

So much good advice ladies, thank you. Although I haven't replied to each one, I honestly have read them all and will read again tomorrow. And make notes!

OP posts:

Original poster

DilemmaaboutMoney · 14/10/2017 21:46

Ok, getting tipsy now and having grand thoughts about a Florida holiday on this money, ha ha!

OP posts:

wornoutboots · 14/10/2017 21:48

in th ecircumstances I think the more peaceable thing to do for your family is to talk to them and say "look, here's the situation. For the last few years your dad didn't tell the CSA the truth about what he was earning. They've found out and have decided to collect from his wages the money he should have been paying. Had he paid the money he should, we could have gone on holiday and afforded a lot more nice things and treats, instead of getting by and being in debt. Now, it's up to you - do we spend some of it on a family holiday and split the rest, or do we just split it between us all now and no family trip for us?"

And see what they say.

Inertia · 14/10/2017 21:48

You need to stop thinking of it as his money. It's a debt that he owes you, and he didn't stop owing you just because he delayed paying until the children left school. If you'd owed thousands in unpaid gas bills, the energy supplier wouldn't write off the debt just because you'd now got a woodburner and didn't need gas anymore - they'd chase you for every penny.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 14/10/2017 21:49

Oh one of those cunts is he, puts his hands on women, but runs for cover when faced with a real man.

Chocolatteandbiscuits · 14/10/2017 21:50

This is 100% a no brainer. Take the money! Don't feel bad because that money was for you and your children to live off of. He had a very comfortable life with his wages and left you without financial help! I'd split the money equallg between you and your children. It's for all of you

Original poster

DilemmaaboutMoney · 14/10/2017 21:50

If you'd owed thousands in unpaid gas bills, the energy supplier wouldn't write off the debt just because you'd now got a woodburner and didn't need gas anymore - they'd chase you for every penny

Just laughed out loud.....how true!

OP posts:

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