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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

More of a WWYD. Wealthy ExH has been caught lying about his income.

220 replies

DilemmaaboutMoney · 14/10/2017 20:02

I would really appreciate some opinions on my situation please!

Long story short, my ExH managed to convince the Child Support Agency, that he earned £32,000 per annum, when in fact his salary was £132,000.

This deception went on for 3 years, where he was paying me substantially less than he should have been (circa £500 less per month than what he should have been paying).

I knew that it was wrong, but the CSA fobbed me off! But...for various reasons, the CSA have now uncovered his deception, and have calculated a substantial arrears figure that he owes me (currently £4k, but set to rise to £12k, when they complete their investigation).

Now here's the dilemma....the children have now left home and are at Uni. So, there is no existing child support arrangement.

However, the CSA are suggesting that they arrest his wages to collect all of the historical arrears that he is due me. I would have no hesitation if the kids were still at home, but I am torn as they have left now. I'm not sure if I'm being a massive twat even wavering....but I have always been a softy. I guess it just feels a bit weird and I don't want to be viewed as a gold digger.

The current situation (for context), is that me and ExH both subsidise the kids, as their student loans don't cover rent and expenses. ExH will only ever give an equal amount to what I give them, despite him earning well over £100k per annum more than me. This I find odd, as if I was on his salary, I'd give them way more.

If you were in my shoes, would you give the CSA the go ahead to arrest his wages and get what was due, or would you just leave it?

So as not to drip feed, not sure if this is even relevant, but I left him, due to his excessive cheating, gas lighting, and a few assaults.

Sorry, that's all a bit jumbled!

I guess the crux is, that I don't want to be seen as a grabby person if I pursue this now....

OP posts:
LilyMcClellan · 14/10/2017 21:56

What a marvelous and rare opportunity to tip the scales of justice back into balance.

Original poster
DilemmaaboutMoney · 14/10/2017 21:57

Oh one of those cunts is he, puts his hands on women, but runs for cover when faced with a real man

That was so insightful. And struck a chord more than you can begin to imagine, thank you.

OP posts:
Original poster
DilemmaaboutMoney · 14/10/2017 21:57

Thanks Lily

OP posts:
SchnitzelVonKrumm · 14/10/2017 21:57

Absolutely take the money. Why should you continue to subsidise his lifestyle? Because that's what you've been doing.

And your children are old enough to be told the truth about their father's behaviour. I assume his multiple adulteries and physical violence are cited on the divorce papers he signed? Show them.

LunchBoxPolice · 14/10/2017 21:58

Take the money and toast your family and happy marriage. Your dh sounds great.
Enjoy it!

Lynnm63 · 14/10/2017 21:59

Take the money. I'd send your exh brochures for expensive holidays asking which one I should go on first but I'm a nasty sod sometimes!
If your dc say anything derogatory say you were children, I didn't want to cloud your opinion of your father. You're old enough to know the truth now. Your father lied to a govt agency, he's been found out and made to pay what he rightfully owed.the CSA don't deduct from anyone's income without just cause. You can choose not to believe me but why would the csa lie?
If they carry on tell them you will not discuss it further whilst they accuse you of lying. Tell them to call back when they find the manners you taught them all those years ago.

Original poster
DilemmaaboutMoney · 14/10/2017 22:00

I need to sign off as DH due home and MN is my private pleasure. I don't want any man invading on this. Back tomorrow :-)

OP posts:
GabsAlot · 14/10/2017 22:01

why would u not?
he deceived csa he should hav given it from the start

giv it to your kids if u wanna save for them or somthing

bastardkitty · 14/10/2017 22:03

In any other circumstances his behaviour would be fraud. In the USA people who do this cannot get a mortgage, a passport or a driving license. Why are there no sanctions? Gives me the rage.

ParanoidBeryl · 14/10/2017 22:04

There really is something karmic about the fact you have met someone who now makes you happy. I'm so pleased.

My Dad was a professional with his own practice, yet after he left my Mum (multiple cheating, a bit of physical abuse and dear knows what else) he hid his income. He put his house in the OW's name and claimed he was paying rent. Claimed a laughably low amount in income. Whilst we were living hand to mouth, couldn't afford decent food or to heat the house, let alone new shoes or running a car, he was climbing in the Himalayas - this was over 30 years ago when it was super expensive to do that sort of thing.

Being hard up is absolutely shit - only last week me & DH were driving past a flashy road and he commented that he used to know someone who lived there. I told him I used to do a paper-round in that road, and that I was so ashamed to tell anyone I did a paper-round, because no-one else I knew was in such dire financial circumstances.

Anyway, the point of my post is to say that not a single one of his children has anything to do with him now. He probably got away with being manipulative when we were younger, but it has been 10 years since I have spoken to my Dad, and not one of us has a shred of respect for him because of the way he screwed us over when we were growing up.

DrSeuss · 14/10/2017 22:04

The children will need tuition fees/wedding contributions/house contributions etc. I bet you scrimped and saved to get them what they needed for many years. This is just payback. Enjoy it!

RB68 · 14/10/2017 22:05

You have effectively been subsidising him by this amount as you were OWED this by the toerag.

Take the money and give it to the kids and make him match it. I bloody would what a git.

supersop60 · 14/10/2017 22:08

Take the money. It is what you should have had over the years, and it's the amount that you had to spend to maintain the DC.

LanaKanesLeftNippleTassle · 14/10/2017 22:13

Just to echo everyone else....

TAKE IT!!!! Take it take it take it take it take it......

Fucking hell OP.

He is a nasty abusive shit, fucked you over, has played the "Disney Dad" card, left you and your kids going without, and avoided retribution.

Fuck him, don't feel bad for him, feel good for you at "karma" finally catching up.

And the kids are already supported, and YOU did that, not him.
You went without so they could do their best in life.....YOU...not him.

So holiday/car/decorate/clothes/makeover/800 bottles of gin! Wink
Whatever floats your boat! (maybe a boat?!)

Treat yourself, and everytime you feel a pang of guilt, remind yourself that it was YOU who made hard sacrifices so the kid could thrive, he did fuck all in the grand scheme of things.

P.S. Please come back and tell us what joyous things you spend it on...the whole of MN is behind you....and that's so unusual I'm worried the worlds going to implode! Wink

Kpo58 · 14/10/2017 22:16

ExH will only ever give an equal amount to what I give them

For this alone I would take the money and give it to the DC (so that he will pay twice Smile ).

QuackDuckQuack · 14/10/2017 22:20

I don’t understand why this doesn’t count as fraud and come with criminal charges. How is it that defrauding children isn’t treated as a crime?

Headofthehive55 · 14/10/2017 22:30

I would be very wary of him stopping money for your children for uni. He doesn't have to pay them and I know if quite a few that don't give anything at all.
I must admit I am Shock at the 1k setting up for uni. I didn't spend that on my DD!

mathanxiety · 14/10/2017 22:38

Take it.

Show the DCs exactly what the CSA has by way of paperwork.

How incredibly hurtful it must be that your children were and remain unable to see through the lies.

You can't force the DCs to go to family therapy or anything, but when a parent is manipulative and determined to alienate children from a parent, punish a parent by withholding money that leaves you in the position of saying no to holidays, etc, children can be very much caught in the middle, and the hurt arising from that can be horrible.

I agree your DH should not have been the one to tell the DCs about the affairs, and I would even suggest that his affairs after your split were his own private business. What happened to break up your relationship with him should be answered honestly by you if they ask, however.

Essentially stealing money that should have been yours and theirs, and casting himself as a big shot, generous, devoted, etc while you were left looking like a loser is something they need to wrap their heads around. I don't think they owe you an apology - they were children and their father used them as pawns. He is the one who owes a massive apology - but don't hold your breath waiting for that.

So I would extend an invitation to them to join you in restorative family therapy, where you might all be able to reset the clock to some extent, and exorcise the shadow of this really wicked man. Spend some of the money on that. There are probably a lot of wounds that need healing.

Recovering the respect of your children would be great.

LondonNicki · 14/10/2017 22:41

Absolutely get that money. Your DC are entitled to it and honestly it's not even that much when you consider the expense of being a student and setting yourself up at that age.

He owes them. Good luck!

pallisers · 14/10/2017 23:45

I don’t understand why this doesn’t count as fraud and come with criminal charges. How is it that defrauding children isn’t treated as a crime?

He is lucky he isn't in the US.

caringcarer · 15/10/2017 00:10

Let CSA do their job. You may not need it now but be glad of cash at a later date. He has brought this upon himself by lying. If you let it go you are sending such a bad message to your kids that this type of behaviour is OK and they are somehow not worth their Dad paying correct amount for them. Don't give your kids that message. Show your kids that lying does not pay.

wannabestressfree · 15/10/2017 00:34

My children’s fathers are all difficult with maintenance and after receiving a letter today outlining how ds3’s Dad is going to be being £43 a week and owes £300 in arrears I discussed the system with the children as I was quite upset.
I don’t know why men and women think they shouldn’t help fund their own children. I don’t go out, am teetotal due to ill health and just started chemo. You would think they would want to make sure their children where out. He refuses to set up a standing order, I have to text and remind him every month and then he underpays. This is the last month he can do this and now they will collect it.
It’s hard to know if you should tell the truth to the children.
Ds2 Dad stopped paying this month as his mother had died and left him some money (my son) he wanted to transfer the money and stop paying mantance. I said he couldn’t do that.
Ds1’s Dad has never paid, it’s been to court, Baliffs, he denies his parentage and sent anther man to do his dna test and got caught and then I won a money order for £10 grand which is largely inforceable apparently.
I did not pick well. I am in my late thirties now and it’s been a battle. Just why?

FeralBeryl · 15/10/2017 00:40

I know you aren't back until the morning but in case you're wavering on waking up -

TAKE THE FUCKING MONEY!!!!!

Sit and make a list of every time you really struggled to provide.
Every Christmas you couldn't buy the things the kids wanted.
Every school holiday that you wobbled over money for activities.
Every time you went without in order for them to have something.

Then realise that all of that was avoidable. Every last part. Then take the money and do what you want with it. You've more than earned it!

FeralBeryl · 15/10/2017 00:40

Wannabe Flowers

Phoebeandme · 15/10/2017 00:42

I would not hesitate for a moment - that money is your children’s.