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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

More of a WWYD. Wealthy ExH has been caught lying about his income.

220 replies

DilemmaaboutMoney · 14/10/2017 20:02

I would really appreciate some opinions on my situation please!

Long story short, my ExH managed to convince the Child Support Agency, that he earned £32,000 per annum, when in fact his salary was £132,000.

This deception went on for 3 years, where he was paying me substantially less than he should have been (circa £500 less per month than what he should have been paying).

I knew that it was wrong, but the CSA fobbed me off! But...for various reasons, the CSA have now uncovered his deception, and have calculated a substantial arrears figure that he owes me (currently £4k, but set to rise to £12k, when they complete their investigation).

Now here's the dilemma....the children have now left home and are at Uni. So, there is no existing child support arrangement.

However, the CSA are suggesting that they arrest his wages to collect all of the historical arrears that he is due me. I would have no hesitation if the kids were still at home, but I am torn as they have left now. I'm not sure if I'm being a massive twat even wavering....but I have always been a softy. I guess it just feels a bit weird and I don't want to be viewed as a gold digger.

The current situation (for context), is that me and ExH both subsidise the kids, as their student loans don't cover rent and expenses. ExH will only ever give an equal amount to what I give them, despite him earning well over £100k per annum more than me. This I find odd, as if I was on his salary, I'd give them way more.

If you were in my shoes, would you give the CSA the go ahead to arrest his wages and get what was due, or would you just leave it?

So as not to drip feed, not sure if this is even relevant, but I left him, due to his excessive cheating, gas lighting, and a few assaults.

Sorry, that's all a bit jumbled!

I guess the crux is, that I don't want to be seen as a grabby person if I pursue this now....

OP posts:
buttfacedmiscreant · 15/10/2017 01:37

Why do so many people say it is the children's money? It isn't, Mum covered extra so they had what they needed. It is hers, not theirs.

The money is for things like mortgage, uniforms, food etc... that she made sure they had. It is owed to her, not them.

TheCraicDealer · 15/10/2017 02:22

I’m glad to see you’re taking it. If you let him away with this underpayment then it’s another man who’s not being held accountable for his deliberate negligence in failing to provide for his own children. Justice like this is so rare, if you have a chance at it grab it for the sake of every one of the women on this thread with arsehole, responsiblity-dodging fuckwit ex’s or fathers.

Misrepresentation to the CSA should be rsoennas seriously as lying to HMRC. Prosecution and heafty fines are the only thing that’s going to stop chancers like this doing it an getting away with it.

mathanxiety · 15/10/2017 02:22

Hear hear, Buttfacedmiscreant. I assume her DH also helped provide for this 'man's' children.

safariboot · 15/10/2017 02:54

Only read OP's updates. You are in debt because your ex fraudulently refused to pay you what they were legally obliged to. It's time to correct that. Get the money you should have had, and repay the debts you shouldn't have needed to take out.

I wonder if you can get interested added on, to (partly) compensate for the interest you've had to pay on your debts?

36plusandtrying · 15/10/2017 05:12

Take the money
Pay off CC
Go on holiday
Treat yourself to something
If anything is left chuck it in a high interest saver for a raining day
Do a happy dance !

picklemepopcorn · 15/10/2017 06:01

Say to the children

"I never told you because I didn't want you to think badly of him. unfortunately your dad never paid what he owed, so I got into debt. He's been found out now and the CSA are claiming the money back so I can clear the debts. There may even be enough for a holiday like the ones he used to take you on. I'd love a holiday!"

Whatsername17 · 15/10/2017 08:05

I'd be tempted to offer him a compromise. He pays a lump sum to each of the kids or fund more of their uni or you allow the vs a to take him to the cleaners. He's a selfish twunt who has deliberately deprived his own children. He deserves this.

Whatsername17 · 15/10/2017 08:05

Didn't read the bit about you getting into debt. Let the csa do their thing.

greendale17 · 15/10/2017 08:06

Take it and give it to your children

PrimalLass · 15/10/2017 08:20

Take it and put it into your mortgage so you are not paying it until 70. You've already spent the money on the children so now it's time to think about you.

Youcanttaketheskyfromme · 15/10/2017 08:35

*Say to the children

"I never told you because I didn't want you to think badly of him. unfortunately your dad never paid what he owed, so I got into debt. He's been found out now and the CSA are claiming the money back so I can clear the debts. There may even be enough for a holiday like the ones he used to take you on. I'd love a holiday!"*

This.

YOU covered all bills that HE should have been paying. It's your money now. Use it to pay off any debts, get yourself something nice and either take the kids on holiday or buy them a really nice Christmas gift or similar.

Fishface77 · 15/10/2017 09:30

I also agree it's not the DC money! It's ops money.
To spend and enjoy and have a little nest egg.
I wonder though, how he knows how much you give the kids.
If the kids tell him say to them tell dad I give you a hundred pound more and see if he matches it.

TheCatsMother99 · 15/10/2017 09:33

I'd take the money and split between the kids for them to use towards rent, a deposit on a home, a wedding, whatever important life thing they want or need.

TheCatsMother99 · 15/10/2017 09:34

By the way, I get it's the OP's money but if the OP doesn't seriously need it now and as she's already questioning whether to take it I think it would be nicer for her to use it for the kids.

Mrspitt3 · 15/10/2017 09:41

The OP has credit card debt and a mortgage till she's 70 and never taken her children on nice holidays..... while twatface took them to Florida!! ......... this money is owed to OP as she had to subsidise twatfaces clear FRAUD against his children for YEARS...... OP do not have a shred of guilty over taking and using this money as YOU wish.

LakieLady · 15/10/2017 09:42

Of course he should pay. It's up to you whether you give it to the kids, give it to charity, pay a chunk off your mortgage or blow it all on shoes, handbags and high living.

It does piss me off a bit though. If he'd ripped off the DWP to that extent by lying about his income he'd be lucky not to end up in prison. Because it's "just" his children and their mother, he just has to pay the money back and doesn't get punished.

bastardkitty · 15/10/2017 09:42

OP has already said she has a mortgage that runs until she is 70. It's most likely the OP who has gone without and has suffered the long term financial damage cause by her ex's fraudulent behaviour.

Saracen · 15/10/2017 10:09

Sorry haven't RTFT. You should definitely take it. He shouldn't be allowed to get away with this. He has cheated someone out of a substantial amount of money.

The question is, what to do with the money? IMO it depends who was being cheated by his failure to pay. What was the consequence of him not paying? How would things have been different if he had paid?

If it's the case that the money he and you provided was adequate for the children's basic needs, then presumably you would have spent the extra £500 a month on a better lifestyle for them: maybe nicer clothes, more outings, private school. In that case, he has cheated the children and you should either hand them the money now or put it away toward a house deposit or similar for them.

If the money he provided wasn't adequate to pay for the basics, then it's you who has been cheated. You had to pay for all the school uniforms, food, rent etc. If you had received the £500 a month, you wouldn't have had to pay so much toward the kids' basic expenses. You could have paid off your mortgage faster, invested in a pension, or had treats for yourself. If that's the case, keep the money.

Roomster101 · 16/10/2017 09:39

Why do so many people say it is the children's money? It isn't, Mum covered extra so they had what they needed. It is hers, not theirs.

I suppose it depends on whether OP covered the extra or whether the children lived on less compared with what they should have had if the father had paid the correct amount. Either way, if OP feels guilty about taking it, it might be better to give it to the children, perhaps instead of money she would have given them herself.

undertheradarplease · 16/10/2017 10:03

Take it! At your own discretion, do what you please with it.

Pay off some of your mortgage and the children will benefit in the long run - it's their inheritance!

Buy them a car to help them get ahead in the job market postgrad - it's a competitive world out there!

Spend it on gin or prosecco or whatever your poison is.

The point I'm making is that the money is YOURS to use as you see fit. Any parent who would actively avoid contributing their fair share of money to a family they created is not worth your consideration.

Nothingrhymeswithfamily · 16/10/2017 17:03

I'm always amazed at the governments stance on this.
If you decided to not spend money on the kids, not clothe them properly, not feed them adequately, not allow them hot water you'd be quite rightly locked up for neglect. And you wouldn't do it, so you budget, go without and stretch. But dickwads like your ex can fiddle the system and just say no. But that's ok because you'll pick up the slack by going without and stretching what you can.

But really it's neglect to not pay to support them.
It makes no sense to me.
Yes take the money, personally I'd put it into a 'leaving uni' account for them if I was comfortable day today. To cover house deposit, nice work clothes, cars or whatever is needed.

snoopydoopydo · 16/10/2017 17:27

Take it and split it between yourself and the kids. It's not his money -it's rightfully yours

phoenix1973 · 16/10/2017 17:31

Take it..

Myheartbelongsto · 16/10/2017 17:34

Take it on behalf of all of us that don't receive a cent!

Orangebutterfly · 16/10/2017 17:42

Split it equally between you all

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