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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to resent being shamed by weird tight " friend "

262 replies

Mill46 · 13/10/2017 08:36

Back story - very old Uni friend and I get together every 3 months or so . We both very lucky and have worked hard . We have good jobs and earn what would be considered by most to be a very decent salary . We meet and have dinner somewhere that's not expensive . It's always nice to see her and I enjoy her company .
She has a complicated domestic life as compared to my rather boring one.
She contacted me to say she was going to be in town so we organised to meet .
I booked a fixed price menu at a reasonable restaurant and was staggered when she texted me to say did I mind meeting just for a drink as she's not got a lot of money at the moment .
I rarely go out for many reasons and seeing that this has been planned for so long I can't see why she couldn't have "saved " the 30 quid or so that it would cost .
AIBU that i think she's shaming me and being pasive aggressive as there is no way that she can't afford it ? I know mumsnet folks will say , if she's you friend see her anyway ( which I'm happy to do ) but I feel there is more to this . She could have simply cancelled , said she only had time for a quick drink - anything .
What do I do ? Cancel , meet her and feel bad that she's got no money and buy her diner , or have a drink and f* off home ?

OP posts:
IamPickleRick · 13/10/2017 12:32

Plus the pizza express fixed price menu has been done to death, she probably doesn't want to go.

sayyouwill · 13/10/2017 12:49

From her POV:

-arranged to meet up with weird friend from uni

  • friend books something
  • huge bill/expense/insurance claim comes out and suddenly need to spend my money more wisely this week/month.

-tries to downgrade meet up from dinner to drinks

-friend thinks I'm using money as a metaphor and must be high to be coming up with batshit crazy interpretations

CoughLaughFart · 13/10/2017 12:50

Also it's important to remember that well off doesn't necessarily equal 'loads of free money'. To you, if she can afford to send her kids to private school, that means she's rich. Maybe the reality is that she would be rich, if she wasn't shelling out a fortune on school fees. Again, maybe for you the fact that she has designer handbags means she can spend money like water. The reality might be that's she's been overspending on things like this and has realised it's time to cut back.

DeccaMitfordsEntryVisa · 13/10/2017 12:57

Jesus, if she didn't want to see you she would say, 'I don't want to see you.' It sounds like she is being honest in saying she is currently short of cash. There is no way you can know all the intimate details of her finances. Maybe offer to pay for you both if you are so loaded this month?

I'd value a friend who showed me honesty, not demonise them. You are overreacting OP.

diddl · 13/10/2017 13:01

I'd ask her if she'd like you to pay for dinner or just do drinks.

Theducksarenotmyfriends · 13/10/2017 13:03

Maybe she wants to spend time with you but you have some weird off-putting eating habit/quirk so she'd rather just go for a drink?

starkid · 13/10/2017 14:38

You sound a little deranged, sorry.
Maybe she's going through something at the moment, job troubles, domestic troubles, and can't spend much at the moment? Or is saving for something?
Perhaps ask how she is, rather than attacking her and acting so wounded.

Feministcheeseplate · 13/10/2017 14:41

I don’t want to read 9 pages. Was it a reverse it must have been right?

Wallywobbles · 13/10/2017 15:52

I look rich on the outside but there are times when I’m at the edge of all my possible debt. My income is a bit weird and I pay a massive amount of tax. This year there have been some unexpected fines too.

LagunaBubbles · 13/10/2017 15:59

Heh ho - it's a bit like saying I haven't got money to spend seeing you basically

No its saying I dont have £30 to spend on dinner, thats all.

Bluntness100 · 13/10/2017 16:05

I wonder if the clue is in the op “rarely goes out”

Op, is this really important to you, is that it? And you’re really disappointed she’s down graded it and have reacted nastily? Do you have other friends?

SunshineHQ · 13/10/2017 16:57

Is this a one-off, or have there been similar incidents in the past?

I knew a friend a bit like this - she would have far more expensive shoes, bags, clothes, etc than the rest of us. But if you needed to split a taxi fare with her, she would never have any money on her. Or she wouldn’t have her credit card in a restaurant, so others would be required to cover her share, but she would ‘never’ remember to pay you back.

Once she didn’t have enough money to buy a round in a pub, but then the next week booked an optional £600 Hot Air Balloon trip as a treat for herself.

If she is anything like that, then I definitely sympathise with the OP.

If it is a one-off, I’d be a lot more accepting of the situation, and probably buy us both supper as a treat.

Groovee · 13/10/2017 17:39

@Feministcheeseplate I thought reverse too. But the OP hasn’t really replied.

Bluntness100 · 13/10/2017 19:32

If it is a one-off, I’d be a lot more accepting of the situation

But she hasn’t asked the op to pay for her, it’s not remotely similar to your friend, she’s simply said let’s make it a drink instead, which indicates she fully intends to pay for herself. Your friend went to things and got people to pay for her, the ops friend has said let’s do something cheaper as I can’t afford what you have planned. How is your friend like the ops friend? Confused

ducknose · 13/10/2017 21:40

At first, I thought you were getting at her having more expensive taste than the fixed price menu you suggested, and that she was sneering at it and gave you an excuse to 'shame' you into booking something a bit more upmarket.
There are so many ways to read into this ridiculous problem if you're hellbent on feeling slighted.
The truth is, she's suggested drinks instead of food. What is the big deal? Is she only worthy of meeting if you get to eat during the catch up?
Have some drinks with her and let your hair down, it sounds like you need to.

BadLad · 14/10/2017 02:09

I booked a fixed price menu at a reasonable restaurant and was staggered when she texted me to say did I mind meeting just for a drink as she's not got a lot of money at the moment . I rarely go out for many reasons and seeing that this has been planned for so long I can't see why she couldn't have "saved " the 30 quid or so that it would cost . AIBU that i think she's shaming me and being pasive aggressive as there is no way that she can't afford it ? I know mumsnet folks will say , if she's you friend see her anyway ( which I'm happy to do ) but I feel there is more to this . She could have simply cancelled , said she only had time for a quick drink - anything .

Somehow from her saying that she didn't have enough for a meal, so she'd rather just go for a drink, you think she is shaming you?

Your logic is baffling.

AIBU to resent being shamed by weird tight " friend "
Mummyoflittledragon · 14/10/2017 05:22

I think we are pissing in the wind here. Op hasn’t been back for ages. She sounds ill equipped to take constructive criticism. Seeing as she’s made the situation all about her, I wonder how she’d score on the narcissistic scale. 🤔

Pengggwn · 14/10/2017 05:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MrKaplan · 14/10/2017 07:46

OP, I think people don't understand because 'shaming' means a few dffierent things.
Are you trying to say that you think your well off friend is trying to embarrass her into offering to pay for her.
As opposed to you think she's sneering at you.

MrKaplan · 14/10/2017 07:47

embarrass YOU into paying for her.

Anniegetyourgun · 14/10/2017 08:11

I've been hanging around the Relationships board for far too long (and had some personal experience in this matter), so my first thought would be that she has an OH who will make a big fuss about her spending to meet a friend, whilst being quite happy to buy her a posh handbag because "you get something for your money". Or even financial abuse, whereby she doesn't get to touch a penny from her own earnings but is doled out a meagre allowance from "joint" funds.

Or, you know, maybe she's just sick to death of pizza.

Gertiegoolash · 14/10/2017 08:15

And your calling her weird Hmm

moomintrollz · 14/10/2017 08:18

I would just meet for drinks or offer to pay for dinner this time Hmm

Ktown · 14/10/2017 08:22

Eh? I regularly run out of money at the end of the month due to various reasons.
I earn enough though. Yabu

L0quacious · 14/10/2017 08:28

I get why this hurts. I dont earn much but i can meet friends.
Obviously I dont go to the opening of an envelope cos i cant afford that.

You're an old friend and maybe she takes you for granted and blows spare cash going out with newer friends.

The advice to take passive aggressive people at face value is good. Generally i mean.

I think she takes YOU for granted. But maybe spends more impressing newer friends.

So good idea to take her at face value.

It might make her feel guilty.

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