Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to resent being shamed by weird tight " friend "

262 replies

Mill46 · 13/10/2017 08:36

Back story - very old Uni friend and I get together every 3 months or so . We both very lucky and have worked hard . We have good jobs and earn what would be considered by most to be a very decent salary . We meet and have dinner somewhere that's not expensive . It's always nice to see her and I enjoy her company .
She has a complicated domestic life as compared to my rather boring one.
She contacted me to say she was going to be in town so we organised to meet .
I booked a fixed price menu at a reasonable restaurant and was staggered when she texted me to say did I mind meeting just for a drink as she's not got a lot of money at the moment .
I rarely go out for many reasons and seeing that this has been planned for so long I can't see why she couldn't have "saved " the 30 quid or so that it would cost .
AIBU that i think she's shaming me and being pasive aggressive as there is no way that she can't afford it ? I know mumsnet folks will say , if she's you friend see her anyway ( which I'm happy to do ) but I feel there is more to this . She could have simply cancelled , said she only had time for a quick drink - anything .
What do I do ? Cancel , meet her and feel bad that she's got no money and buy her diner , or have a drink and f* off home ?

OP posts:
Nikephorus · 13/10/2017 11:14

Given that she was the one who suggested meeting up I can't see why you think that her suggesting a drink instead of a meal because of money issues is an attempt to shame you? Maybe she doesn't have a shortage of cash but didn't want to tell you that reason so used cash as an excuse? It doesn't matter. The fact is that she wanted to meet up and still does (unless she's read this thread). End of issue.
I wouldn't suggest offering to buy her dinner because you obviously don't like her much and that's the sort of thing you do with friends. Maybe you should cancel so she can meet up with someone who does like her for herself and isn't busy judging her on what she owns and earns.

rookiemere · 13/10/2017 11:19

Ye gads - OP I'd still meet up with her for drinks as I have a funny feeling that you don't have a lot of friends to choose from.

HornyTortoise · 13/10/2017 11:30

Sorry op - I've experienced this and my now ex-friend was basically saying she didn't want to spend time & money seeing me. I can see why you're querying it.

Well its clearly not the friend not wanting to spend time with the OP though, as why would she have contacted her to meetup if she was avoiding her for some reason? Hmm

This thread is kind of strange tbh. Are you usually so self centered and paranoid OP? I don;t understand how she is shaming you, at all? Maybe I am reading it wrong or something, in which case I would be very grateful if you could explain what the problem actually is, and why this is 'shaming' you at all?

CoughLaughFart · 13/10/2017 11:32

She asked to meet you, not the other way around. I'd like to think that if a friend I thought was well off said 'I'd really like to meet up, but can't afford to spend much', I'd like to think my first thought would be 'I hope everything's okay' - not 'She obviously doesn't think I'm worth spending money on'. Maybe she's in some kind of financial trouble (redundancy on the horizon for example) and was hoping for a friendly ear. Based on your reaction, she isn't going to get one. You talk about a 'sisterly' reaction, yet you're expecting more support from strangers online than you're offering to a long term friend.

Allgoodfun · 13/10/2017 11:35

I don't understand a word you're saying OP

PickAChew · 13/10/2017 11:36

Healthy bank balance (for now) but currently enjoying a free cake and coffee in John Lewis.

Any volunteers to be shamed? There must be someone around here who I can offend by snubbing their extravagant paying for coffee in Greggs ways for my freebie elevenses.

Bambamber · 13/10/2017 11:36

You sound delightful. Not surprised she doesn't want to go for a 30 quid dinner with you

ConciseandNice · 13/10/2017 11:40

You sound like you have a persecution complex, either that or you're just deeply unpleasant and self-absorbed. If it's the former get therapy of some kind. Either way YABU.

chirpyburbycheapsheep · 13/10/2017 11:40

You are absolutely right, OP; it is about you because either
a) she is trying to avoid a drawn out meeting with you possibly because you treat every communication like the enigma code that needs cracking and somehow come to the conclusion that you are under attack
or
b) she is short of money yet you've treated this assertion like it is the enigma code that needs cracking and come to the conclusion that you are under attack

Either way it is your approach to communication that is hindering what could otherwise, I imagine, be an enjoyable meet up.

I don't want to be unkind as I do actually understand this need to read different messages into what people are saying due to growing up with a mother who would speak in an emotional passive aggressive code that only those close to her could decipher. But I have learnt that approaching others like this only leads to upset on both sides.

I would suggest you either but her dinner or just go for the drink

chirpyburbycheapsheep · 13/10/2017 11:41

buy her dinner not but

Whinesalot · 13/10/2017 11:43

Maybe she just didn't like that particular restaurant op? Who normally chooses where you go? Let her choose next time.

notangelinajolie · 13/10/2017 11:47

Maybe she doesn't think you are worth £30 or perhaps she just wants to get pissed instead, or maybe doing the same old thing everytime you meet is doing her head in and she wants to throw caution to the wind and do something .... different ....

Seriously, I'm not really understanding how her asking if you could both go for a drink instead is shaming you Confused

Liiinoo · 13/10/2017 11:48

She's your old mate and financially strapped. You say you are well off so why don't you either do what she wants and do out for a drink or if you are so very keen to go out to eat, tell her it's your treat and buy her dinner? And a £30 set menu sounds dear to me (and I am not hard up), drinks and a tip normally double the bill so that £30 becomes £60.

Willow2017 · 13/10/2017 11:50

Wow. You are bitching about your friend who for some reason ( and she does not have to tell you what it is ) can't afford to shell out £30 for a meal for herself.
Yet when everyone is saying yabu you are telling everyone to be 'sisterly''. Get over yourself. £30 on a meal for one is a lot if you have a limited budget and even if you don't normally she might have had to pay unexpected bills etc.

She still wants to see you you but it sound like you want her to prove how good a friend she is by paying for your company not an attractive trait. You are not acting like a real friend at all. Hope she realises that soon.

2boysandus · 13/10/2017 11:50

I hope that she sees this thread and reads what you are saying about her.

That way, you will never have this dilemma again - as she will cut contact if she has any sense.

putdownyourphone · 13/10/2017 11:54

So she still wants to meet up but just can't afford a £30 meal right now. And youre 'shamed'?? Wtf. MN is weird today.

ReanimatedSGB · 13/10/2017 11:57

Do you have some food/eating issues, OP? I wonder if your unusual reaction to someone else not wanting to eat with you is rooted in a particular anxiety of your own: did you, for instance, grow up among people who thought women should not eat much, or should prioritize being thin over everything else? Have you been teased, bullied, or given patronizing advice about food in the past?
There are people who are happy to point out that women who enjoy their food are selfish, 'unhealthy' or somehow disgusting (these people are, of course, asshats) and if you encounter a lot of them it's possible to start interpreting any comment at all that relates to you eating, or wanting to eat, as some kind of an attack.

LazyDailyMailJournos · 13/10/2017 12:00

Come on MNers be a bit more sisterly

Physician, heal thyself.

Threads like this are bonkers.

OP: AIBU?
MN: Yes.
OP: Its not fair, you're all "unsisterly", waaahh, etc.

SpiderCid · 13/10/2017 12:01

I have a mate, I love her to bits. But her idea of a cheap meal and my idea of a cheap meal are 2 completely different times.
I love spending time with her and catching up, but I dread when she suggests we go grab some food. Not because I cant afford £30 on food but because I'd much rather spend that £30 on something else. Its not that I dislike her or that I dont think shes worth £30. Its just because we can have a much of a laugh and a catch up over a few pints or a cup of coffee as we can over a meal.
Normally I just end up spending the £30 on the food because I'm too polite to say others.
Personally it sounds like either 1-Your friend is being completely truthful and just cant afford it, or 2- Your friend really does want to see you, she just doesnt want to spend that much money. Either way the important thing is your friend wants to see you.

PollyPelargonium52 · 13/10/2017 12:10

If that were me I would pay for the friend as a gesture of friendship. If I could afford it that is. I certainly wouldn't take it amiss.

rookiemere · 13/10/2017 12:20

If the friend didn't want to see the OP it would be much easier to blow them off by being busy, than by offering an alternative way to meet up.

MadMags · 13/10/2017 12:26

Are you drunk? Confused

purplecollar · 13/10/2017 12:29

I bet she's saving for a bigger house or something. As such I wouldn't buy her meal, I'd just go for a drink and enjoy.

IamPickleRick · 13/10/2017 12:31

If it is very out of character I would worry that she was ok or was saving to leave her partner or payoff some massive debt. Not that she was shaming me.

I know that pizza express is a cheaper end restaurant but to a lot of people it is a huge treat and you are being quite insensitive about that.

verystressedmum · 13/10/2017 12:32

You sound a bit strange tbh.

Swipe left for the next trending thread