AIBU to resent being shamed by weird tight " friend "

[Mill46]

Back story - very old Uni friend and I get together every 3 months or so . We both very lucky and have worked hard . We have good jobs and earn what would be considered by most to be a very decent salary . We meet and have dinner somewhere that's not expensive . It's always nice to see her and I enjoy her company .
She has a complicated domestic life as compared to my rather boring one.
She contacted me to say she was going to be in town so we organised to meet .
I booked a fixed price menu at a reasonable restaurant and was staggered when she texted me to say did I mind meeting just for a drink as she's not got a lot of money at the moment .
I rarely go out for many reasons and seeing that this has been planned for so long I can't see why she couldn't have "saved " the 30 quid or so that it would cost .
AIBU that i think she's shaming me and being pasive aggressive as there is no way that she can't afford it ? I know mumsnet folks will say , if she's you friend see her anyway ( which I'm happy to do ) but I feel there is more to this . She could have simply cancelled , said she only had time for a quick drink - anything .
What do I do ? Cancel , meet her and feel bad that she's got no money and buy her diner , or have a drink and f* off home ?

Just because she has the trappings of looking rich, doesn't mean she is. She could well be living beyond her means on credit cards and having to pay for it now. She could be supporting someone you don't know about (family or friend). She could be gambling. She could have a partner who has got into debt and that's impacting on her. You just don't know and neither does anyone here. Why not just go for a drink, be friendly and supportive and see what she says. Although, of course, she doesn't owe you any explanation.

Oh gosh if my friend said that to me I would say of course no problem because I would want to meet up regardless as I want to see her!
Sometimes things happen all at once and can leave people financially stretched... e.g unexpected car issues, boiler breaking, washing machine packing up so that £30 that seems to little to you might mean a lot to her.
Get your head out of your bum and be a friend for god sake!!!!

You sound rather selfish. She had to admit struggling this month - not the nicest thing to have to tell people! Well of income, fine, high living expenses and possibly locked away monthly savings - all likely doable.

Couple of hundred left spare for socials and things? Plenty, and sensible.

So, few weeks back, we had the fridge, freezer, AND washing machine all break within 5 weeks. Hundreds of pounds, gone.

Plenty of other appliances - dishwasher, tumble driers, boilers, ovens etc that could go for anyone at anytime.

Or, something of a higher priority is happening. A family wedding that involves a lot of travel cost, hotel, gift etc. A christening, as before.

Anything could have left her short - and rather than judge, accept it and find a solution.

Have you looked on Groupon? Perhaps you could purchase an afternoon tea for 2 or something for the both of you - likely less than the £30 you alone would have spent, often with prosecco, and in nice establishments (upmarket hotels etc)

I like what Zoll said, and repeat it here

It's probably better to take people at their word. This way, you respond to everyone in good faith. As a side bonus, passive aggressive behaviour is completely neutralised by taking people at their word and you have no need to feel resentful then. So it's a win all round.

On the other hand, you OP are drawing conclusions from it's a bit like saying I haven't got money to spend seeing you basically which it would never occur to me to draw.

What we know, is that she still wants to see you, but doesn't want to eat. I could think of lots of reasons for that, none of which have any connection to you. Do you find yourself thinking about a lot of things in terms of monetary value? Is there much love in your life? Love and more specifically sex, too, an be a metaphor for lots of things, but money is mostly just money. It doesn't define you, your value of the value any friend or acquaintance puts on you... unless you make it do that with the meaning you ascribe to it.

To be honest I wouldn't want to be spending any money on keeping a friendship with you OP. You sound horrible and a shit friend

I don't understand why you'd automatically think what she has said must be a lie!

I would meet her for a drink and see if she divulges some kind of bad news to you.

I don't see it as tight or shaming though. I don't see how that txt would shame you unless you are very, very insecure.

You are coming across as incredibly aggressive, defensive and snippy, I wonder why she doesnt want to spend a lot of money on seeing you

OP you talk about being sisterly but come in here and rip your friend and her life to pieces?!?

I’m out, you’re bonkers!

You sound completely and utterly bonkers, a terrible friend and very out of touch with reality!

Weird and tight? I'm not sure she would bother meeting you at all if she knew that's how you describe her on a public forum.

I love a bonkers thread

How do you function in life if you over analyse everything to the point where it becomes gibberish ?

No one is shaming you, money is not a metaphor, sometimes a cigar is just a cigar.

Your friend wants to meet you for a drink.

As Yoda would say Go or Go not.

Life really can be that simple.

Have you been drinking already op?

Shamed in what way?

Why does it mean she could have been gambling?

I have a friend who is always well off. Until she got a big car repair bill and had to scrimp and scrape for the following few months. We cant all plan for eventualities. Bills and Rent still needs to be paid in the meantime

"Shamed "as there is something about me being entitled and her having nothing

I don't see how you can possibly deduce that from your friend's words, OP.

30 quid for 2 fixed price menu BTW. Can't get out of pizza express for less than that

What's wrong with good old wetherspoons? Both of you can eat for under a tenner.

I'm pretty well off I think, but this month we have had a range of unexpected and out of the blue expenses;

-dishwasher stuffed up, repair £100 +
-car problems - £380
-much loved dog ill and had to be PTS- £162
-cremation of much loved dog - £190
-forgot BFF's son's birthday so hurried £50 in a card to him (totally my fault).

I keep a pretty careful eye on our finances and the above has had an impact, clearly. Dh and I go to a monthly pub night with some friends and we aren't this month because of the above.

Op- honestly..... she wants to see you for a drink. It's lovely that despite being a bit stretched this month she is prioritizing spending time with you. Go, take it at face value and enjoy your night. :)

My children are in private school and there are many times I don’t have £30 to go out for a meal no matter how much I may want to. Stop making so many assumptions about what goes on in someone else’s household.

@secretsmellies I'm so sorry about your dog.

Op mabey she has very bad financial problems you are not aware of, mabey she has lost her job and had to take a much lesser one. You do not know fully, her personal circumstances.

How is she shaming you? Be a good friend and cancel the booking and go to somewhere much cheaper, or meet for a drink, your meeting her as you enjoy her company, not to eat! Eat beforehand.

Thanks. He was an ancient labrador and a very dear friend.

Weird thread!

Ah, Secret

Yes predictable responses - if so why didn't she say so when we organised to me ? "Shamed "as there is something about me being entitled and her having nothing which Ian very far from the truth

You don't know what her expenses are. Something could have cropped up since you last spoke to her which means she doesn't have any spare cash. Someone could have become ill and she's paying a big private treatment bill or for a funeral. Maybe (hopefully its something more like this) she's getting married and is saving like mad?

You don't sound like a nice friend and she probably doesn't want to spent any more time with you than is polite.

Seriously? This is bonkers, that's all I can say.