AIBU to resent being shamed by weird tight " friend "

[Mill46]

Back story - very old Uni friend and I get together every 3 months or so . We both very lucky and have worked hard . We have good jobs and earn what would be considered by most to be a very decent salary . We meet and have dinner somewhere that's not expensive . It's always nice to see her and I enjoy her company .
She has a complicated domestic life as compared to my rather boring one.
She contacted me to say she was going to be in town so we organised to meet .
I booked a fixed price menu at a reasonable restaurant and was staggered when she texted me to say did I mind meeting just for a drink as she's not got a lot of money at the moment .
I rarely go out for many reasons and seeing that this has been planned for so long I can't see why she couldn't have "saved " the 30 quid or so that it would cost .
AIBU that i think she's shaming me and being pasive aggressive as there is no way that she can't afford it ? I know mumsnet folks will say , if she's you friend see her anyway ( which I'm happy to do ) but I feel there is more to this . She could have simply cancelled , said she only had time for a quick drink - anything .
What do I do ? Cancel , meet her and feel bad that she's got no money and buy her diner , or have a drink and f* off home ?

[SteampunkPrincess]

30 quid for 2 fixed price menu BTW. Can't get out of pizza express for less than that

of course you can!
pizza £12
drink £3

£15!

[Scabbersley]

is that £30 each or £15 each. £15 each is pretty good value

[SteampunkPrincess]

just opened an email Pizza Express funnily enough

Forget the superstitions and celebrate the end of the week with some of your delicious PizzaExpress favourites at XXXXX. Tuck in to two courses for £9.95 or three courses for £12.95.

[mintteaandbananabread]

I'd guess it's an excuse to get out of dinner with you because you are so appalling rude and self absorbed.

[TakeAnadin]

'eh ho - it's a bit like saying I haven't got money to spend seeing you basically'
OH my GOD! Why shouldn't she say that?

She is probably fed up having to spend loads of money every times she sees you, Why don't you cook for her? Is that too infra dig?
Blimey you sound off the map.

[MagentaRocks]

I don't get how she has shamed you. Am I missing something?

[FlameOutTeacher]

If you want to see her, go and have a drink.

If you don't want to see her, say that something has come up but to let you know next time she's around.

Honestly, life is too short to get so annoyed over nothing.

[quarterpast]

Appearances can be deceptive you know. My best friend comes from money, and I mean real money, think being closely related to somebody very rich and famous etc. Outwardly it would be easy to assume she and her family live a megastar lifestyle but they really truly don’t.

[RapunzelsRealMom]

DH and I both earn good salaries so people may consider us well off, however, we have chosen to have a big family and to buy a house large enough to accommodate us comfortably plus we each have a car so we really don't have much spare cash for meals out, etc.

If one of my friends questioned me when I couldn't afford something, I'd feel that I'd been 'shamed', not the other way round.

She's may, or may not, be telling the truth or she may have one of a number of other reasons for changing the arrangements. If you are friends and she has tended to be honest in the past, I'd take her at her word.

[Happyemoji]

Maybe shes done herself in and have nothing left each month it does happen.

[moetryinpotion]

Don’t quite understand why you’re getting such a hard time on here about this OP.
I’d either offer to pay for the fixed price meal or, if I thought she’d find that awkward, just go for drinks, find out what the situation is with her and take it from there.

[Bluntness100]

I get that you feel she is 'shaming' you

Can you explain it to the rest of us then please, because I think you’re the only one who “gets” it, for everyone else it’s weird as hell.

[NannyRed]

Our combined salary is in excess of £80k and there are still times when we have to weigh up if we can afford a particular event. Sometimes life throws some shit at you and luckily for us we can afford to pay £500 for boiler repairs or vets bills, but it does mean our 'slush fund' is low sometimes. Maybe she is having a particularly hard month for whatever reason. I don't think she is shaming you.

[Happyemoji]

She set up the meeting and you set up the restaurant, why would you do that with out checking she is okay with it. If she cant afford why not have lunch and a drink at your house or cant you cook?

[HolgerDanske]

I think OP meant £30 fixed for two people. So £15 each.

I still cannot believe you would be so horrible toward a supposed friend. And please, whatever the fuck you do, don't grill her about why she can't spend the money.

But if none of the very reasonable possible justifications people have come up with sound plausible to you, then well, maybe she doesn't want to spend much time with you; I can't think why that might be the case.....

[Happyemoji]

I think you're trying to shame her because she is short of money.

[stevie69]

Yes predictable responses

So, what does that tell you?

[FindoGask]

It is difficult when you're friends with people with much higher (or lower) incomes. I earn less than £20,000 per year and my oldest friendship group are all super high achievers. I've had to bow out of two proposed weekends away this year because I can't afford it, and more recently two of them offered to pay my train ticket to go to another meet up, which was really kind but so hideously embarassing I ended up putting it on the credit card.

I don't think they feel I'm 'shaming' them but it is awkward.

[WhatALoadOfOldBollocks]

Mill46 you're tying yourself in knots here trying to see hidden meanings to her text, instead of focussing on the fact she contacted you asking to meet. That's telling you she likes your company, and wants to meet despite her "complicated domestic life". Just because someone appears affluent, or normally can afford £30 for a meal out, doesn't mean circumstances don't change and they find themsleves short of money.
Why do you feel shamed?
Has she given any hint in the past that she's phasing out the friendship so now you're hypersensitive?

[nigelsbigface]

Eh?
She can't afford dinner still wants to see you. Not sure where the issue is.

[Dreams16]

Sorry I don’t get where she is shaming you 🤔

If you only meet every three months or so how do you not know somethings happened a change in her circumstances job loss or pay cut it’s a bit mean for you to be so quick to judge maybe something has happened and she’d feel comfortable telling you to your face than over the phone etc

[MaximaDeWit]

You are absolutely reading too much into her text.

I have had a weekend planned for weeks but we’ve had some unexpected expenses and it’s already a tight month with a few birthdays, saving for Christmas, etc. and so I’ve had to change plans to something less flashy. I’m not trying to shame anyone - I just really want to see my friends but don’t want to renege on other financial obligations.

[PinkGeraniums]

Maybe she's just had a tight month and is being honest about it? As you are friends.

I personally would treat her to lunch this time and probably expect her to do the same back another time for you when she's got more money.

[SecretSmellies]

I am incurably nosy so want to know what her complicated domestic life is.

[martellandginger]

When I was at Uni a friend always complained about having no money. Her parents paid for her phone, her car and associated costs, often visited her with a food shop etc etc. oh and she smoked roll ups as they were cheaper then cigs. Yes she may have had no money compared to some one earning twice her income but I couldn't afford a loaf of bread some days... its all relative. you don't know what her costs are or her income for that matter..

of course she may be on a diet.