Is this an Insane idea? Two babies under two?!

[Crazythoughts]

Hi all,

Name change as potentially outing!

My DH and I had our first baby 3 months ago and we’ve always wanted two children. We are considering trying for another in the new year, and if successful it would mean we’d have a newborn and a 17 month old. We could manage financially on DH wage, but I don’t know anyone other than my parents generation who have had two children very close together.

Am I insane to be considering this?!

My train of thought is as follows...

Pros:
⁃ Two siblings close in age so they can grow up together
⁃ We want two children and this way it’s ‘done’ in a short space of time
⁃ We’re already used to the sleep deprivation
⁃ Already set up for a baby
⁃ They would go to school within a year if each other so I could go back to work properly once they’re 4yrs without having to stagger a return

Cons:
⁃ Things will be tight financially for a couple of years
⁃ Obvious sleep deprivation will continue for some time
⁃ No family nearby so will be doing this pretty much by myself (apart from DH helping evenings/weekends) 24/7
⁃ Pregnant with a toddler!
⁃ Will be out of the workplace for 4 years
⁃ Whilst my LOs labour was very quick I’m apprehensive about giving birth again

I would really appreciate people’s comments/thoughts/ experiences who have done this or are thinking about doing this!

Thanks in advance xx

I had two under a year

Two siblings close in age so they can grow up together

Don't ever assume they will be friends. It took roughly 20 years before they could be left alone in the same room without killing each other.

I have a 20 month gap. 2 under 2 I found easy. Newborns sleep loads (or I was very lucky) and my toddler was a dream. Now my toddler has hit terrible 2s and baby is cruising about it’s a bloody nightmare

17 months between my DC who are now 25 and 26
They are very close even now
I didn’t find it a struggle even though I became a lone parent when they were 4 and 5
Go for it

At 17 months your little one will still be a baby! Demanding, running you round in circles, possibly still waking through the night... when they're 3 months old it's easy to think it'd be easy because the baby only needs bottles and nappies changed! But add to that jealousy, teething, smacking/biting, running, getting into things they shouldn't and then add a newborn to that mix!

My youngest of two is 20 months and the other is 4, 2y7m gap and it's been hard for my eldest. They love each other alot and enjoy each other but there's not enough of me to go round and I suffer terrible Mum guilt because of it.

Not that I'd change a thing of course! I wouldn't be without either of them.. but it's damn hard.

Two in nappies was hard work. Older one wasn't understanding when I had to tend to baby and would tantrum. We call them the twins and they are best friends. They want to and can within reason do the same things together

15 months between my girls (also had a 5 year old son when youngest dd was born) and it wasn't planned - it was hard in early days (we moved house when she was 2 weeks old) but I had a lot of help from family and all my kids are v good sleepers. Now the girls are 3 and 4 and best buddies now, v v close. I say go for it but be prepared the first year is hard and I do feel guilty dd1 was only a baby when dd2 born - barely walking, she didn't get chance to be a baby v long!

@Marlboroandmalbec34
This is my experience too! I thought I was breezing it until the youngest started crawling, now it's just constant screaming as the baby grabs the toddler's toys constantly! Toddler screams and then baby cries, agh!

Wow, thanks for the new recent replies!

I have to say now my DD is a bit older (9 months old now, where has the time gone?!) I think I understand what some of you have said about them getting more demanding when they're older; yes, she's finally sleeping which is amazing (only took her 7 months to sleep through....! ) but now she's teething, starting to move and wanting to play I find she takes up more of my attention now than when she was 3 months!

The decision whether to have another one is a topic being discussed with my DH on a near daily basis; he's really keen to have another one soon, but the birth of my DD was emotionally quite traumatic for me and it's taken me until now to really understand and realise how much it affected me. It's almost as if in the first few months after having her I was in a haze and hadn't really taken it all in, and now I'm feeling like myself and we've got a good routine established there is a part of me that's hesitant to put myself through it again.

I realise I'm waffling a bit but the last couple of months I've been having a constant internal debate feeling pulled between 'yes let's have another baby!' to 'hell no am I going through that again!'. I can't imagine my DD being an only child, but I'm not sure if I'm ready for another just yet.

Has anyone else changed their mind or had difficulty in deciding what to do? What did you do in the end? Xx

I had 3 under 2.5yrs and 4 under 5. It was fab and they are really close now. Closest gap was 13 months. 2 under 2 is quite normal.

If you are not sure then wait until you feel happier with the decision. Your DH is not the one who’ll have to cope with 9 months of pregnancy followed by birth and recovery.
It’s weird how broody you tend to feel in the early months (happened to me both times) but it does wear off a bit - as you say once you’ve started to feel more like ‘you’ again. (This was my experience anyway).

I had DS2 the same month DS1 turned 4. I have to say I can’t imagine how having a small gap can possibly be easy. I was able to tell DS1 to do things like get himself a drink/ play quietly please for a few mins etc if I was breastfeeding or if DS2 was napping. He understood basically! Not as easy to tell a toddler what’s going on and to wait a bit if they want you. Plus I had 4 years to really enjoy DS1 and DS2 has my sole attention on my days off while DS1 is at school. So I don’t feel he’s missed out on that. And they completely adore each other. I know 2 boys with a short gap who hate each other. The older one is deliberately mean all the time because he wants to punish the younger one for taking mummy’s attention away. This is quite an extreme scenario and obviously many many siblings with a close gap are indeed very good friends but it’s not a reason in itself to have another baby quickly.

I think you just need to chat calmly with your DH. Why is he so very keen? Think about what you want and how much time you have - if age isn’t a factor (for example). Or if you have a career that would benefit from you being able to work for a bit before going on mat leave again. Weigh it all up. Chances are you’ll always feel a bit nervous at the prospect but you’ll know you’re in a good place about it when you also feel happy and excited as well! Hope that makes sense... good luck!

20 months between my youngest two boys.The only thing I panicked about was the older one feeling pushed out,but if you've got a hands on partner it really helps, and I've never had any problems with jealousy between them or anything.They're like chalk and cheese so have never really played or hung out together but they do like each other and strangely enough have never argued(unlike my other lot).Overall I think it very much depends on your luck ie how easy or difficult your pregnancy is,the children's temperaments & how well they sleep etc as to how easy it is having them close in age.Good luck with whatever you decide OP

Just to say you might feel you don't have these feelings in 6 months time. When my DD was 3 months I was really up for having another and we had planned to TTC when she was 1. She's nearly 2 now and it won't be happening for another year or 2! From about 9 months she was moving around more and I just knew I would struggle too much being pregnant with a toddler then a newborn.

It does work for a lot of people. However, I know a couple of people who did 18 month gaps, they currently have newborn/up to 6 month olds and they are quite open about how hard it is, constantly tired and struggling, but it will get easier after a year or so.

It's fine. My mother did it, I did it, my child has done it and indeed I then had twins too after (which is certainly double trouble but lots of fun).

Also those of us who work full time and have one person looking after the toddlers/baby it is cheaper obviously if the children are close in age rather than say 5 years of full time childc are and then a second lot of 5 years. It could end up being about £125,000 cheaper! than the 5 year stagger thing.

I had a 13 month gap between my two. We managed fine.Both are grown up now and are close.

Sort out what you expect from your dh in terms of help with the children. Practically everyone on MN complains about unhelpful husbands/partners.

My DH is hugely focused on family and his family are his world, so it's broodiness on his part that's pushing us having another baby. I do have some issues which we thought would make it difficult for us to conceive but I did end up getting pregnant quickly, however we don't know if that was luck or not, so I know my fertility is playing a part in his keenness.

He's very good with our DD but he does work full time and we don't have any family nearby so during the week and evenings it would all fall down to me. Now our DD is in a routine it's made things easier, but part of me is genuinely in awe and doesn't understand how people who manage to look after/put two+ babies to bed by themselves!

I guess I'm feeling torn between having another baby soon-ish (as in next year) where we could have all the sleep/nappies/teething issues done in one fell swoop albeit have a really hard couple of years, and the alternative of waiting until DD is 4-ish so I have an older child that can help themselves while I've got a baby (ie can go to the toilet by themselves etc) and re-starting the whole sleepless nights and change in life again.

..... arrgghhh, god knows; I think PP maybe right about waiting until I'm broody again. I know any baby I have I will love, it's just whether it's the right time and what am for the best. DH may just have to put his broodiness on hold for a little while...!

I did it. 14 months between the first two, then a three year gap, and the second two are 20 months apart. DH are shattered but so very happy.

Ps: should add... DH does breakfast and bedtimes. I do the rest, while he goes to work. I work 6 mornings and do my admin on a night.

I couldn't manage if DH wasn't so hands on...