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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have sex just to...

194 replies

eyerollingemoji · 08/10/2017 21:09

Stop DH walking round with a face like a slapped arse?

I did this morning. I think he thought we were going to have sex last night but I fell asleep before we had a chance. He was walking round sulking like a toddler so I just did it. I didn’t dislike it but I didn’t particularly enjoy it either. Am I alone on this one?

OP posts:
fartgate · 08/10/2017 21:11

I dunno but my spidey sense is telling me that's not normal.

I can see him being a bit miffed if you've not had sex in aaaaaaaaaages but to still be sulking because you fell asleep is a little off

ShowMePotatoSalad · 08/10/2017 21:12

Sulking about it is a form of coercion. It’s ok for him to feel frustrated but he should have spoken to you about it and explained how he felt. I would find a sulking man a complete and utter turn off. I wouldn’t have done it, OP, I would have asked him what on earth was wrong and why was he sulking, and he should discuss it with me like husband and wife not sulk.

Original poster
eyerollingemoji · 08/10/2017 21:15

@ShowMePotatoSalad Our libidos are complete opposites. He would do it 3 times a week if he could and I could go weeks and weeks without even giving it a second thought. We last had sex a week ago and he had mentioned to me 2/3 times during the week that he was becoming frustrated.

OP posts:
ShowMePotatoSalad · 08/10/2017 21:18

It’s a difficult one. I see where you are both coming from in terms of how you feel about the situation. Having incompatible libidos is a big problem in a relationship. But the sulking is unacceptable.

Mum2OneTeen · 08/10/2017 21:29

Sulking, ugh!

DailyMailReadersAreThick · 08/10/2017 21:31

I used to do that. It isn't healthy. The relationship isn't healthy.

He's an ex now and I am SO much happier single. You can't imagine the joy of going to bed knowing there won't be hints and/or sulking.

c3pu · 08/10/2017 21:31

Harmony may be best won by some compromise - you make an effort to do it a bit more than you'd otherwise feel like, he makes an effort to accept that he won't have it as often as he feels like.

However the trouble starts when either of you is unhappy about it. Sulking about it isn't on.

Dustbunny1900 · 08/10/2017 21:33

Ever since I had my second son 9 months ago, I've been having sex as a chore too.
I don't absolutely hate it mind you, but it's meh.
But I don't want to hurt my husband and yes I do have to admit I feel obligated to fulfill him in that way. Not constantly but at least once a week.
We used to have a booming sex life

So I don't think YABU because I do it too

ReanimatedSGB · 08/10/2017 21:34

It's not great. It isn't wholly bad to agree to sex when you're not that fussed but you know that having it will make your partner happy, but if it's always the same way round (ie always the same partner who isn't all that keen but feels obliged to agree to sex) then resentment can build. The more you feel you 'have to' let him stick his dick in you to stop him sulking/complaining/being obnoxious, the less pleasurable it will be for you, and the less enthusiasm you will feel for it.
Mismatched libidos are a problem, but the problem is the mismatch, not that one of you is wrong. Is your partner generally nice? Does he pull his weight with domestic work, make you laugh, support you when you're unhappy, etc? When you have sex with him, is it enjoyable for you? One of the other problems that can show up in a heterosexual relationship where the man is the high-libido partner is that sex becomes very 'pull my nightie down when you've finished' ie it's all about what Cynthia Payne used to describe as 'men need regular de-spunking' and you're just waiting for him to get it over with rather than enjoying it.

DamnSummerCold · 08/10/2017 21:34

Sex is something you should NEVER EVER comprise on.

DamnSummerCold · 08/10/2017 21:35

Sex is a want not a need.

PyongyangKipperbang · 08/10/2017 21:39

Genuine manipulative sulking or being quiet and withdrawn because he feels rejected?

I am not saying that you should have done it, but it can sometimes be difficult to spot the difference between the two.

Sounds like you need to communicate about it better and come to some sort of compromise where you both try to understand each others needs.

LonginesPrime · 08/10/2017 21:41

Am I alone on this one?

Nope - it sounds like you're accompanied by a manipulative man-baby.

Sunny779 · 08/10/2017 21:42

Are you deliberately being provocative damnsummercold? That seems a bit naive to say it's a want.....

Original poster
eyerollingemoji · 08/10/2017 21:42

@ReanimatedSGB Thank you for your reply. What you’ve described was exactly right for me. I definitely feel some sort of resentment towards him. He does pull his weight around the house and does his fair share with the DC and generally we get on just fine. It’s just the sexual part of our relationship that we don’t agree on. I feel on edge when I go to bed and tend to make excuses or pretend to be asleep if I know he will be wanting to have sex. It does make me feel on edge which is why I sometimes just do it to ‘get it over with’. For example I can go to bed and feel relaxed tonight because we did it this morning so he won’t be expecting anything. I’ve probably made him sound awful but I think it’s me that gets ideas in my head

OP posts:
C0untDucku1a · 08/10/2017 21:42

DamnSummerCold what happens then if nobody ever compromises? My husband has so little interest in sex. We have had sex twice this entire year. Im constantly compromising, that is i get none, he is fine and i am frustrated with the complete lack of intimacy.

HolgerDanske · 08/10/2017 21:44

He does realise that he's perfectly capable of getting himself some relief from the frustration, doesn't he?

You are not just a machine he can expect to plug himself into to get rid of it!

DailyMailReadersAreThick · 08/10/2017 21:44

I feel on edge when I go to bed and tend to make excuses or pretend to be asleep if I know he will be wanting to have sex. It does make me feel on edge which is why I sometimes just do it to ‘get it over with’.

Oh yes, that sounds so familiar.

If describing your actual situation makes your partner "sound awful", take that as a hint.

HolgerDanske · 08/10/2017 21:45

Lack of intimacy is different, I think. There are other ways to be close and intimate. The fact he made it all about his frustration doesn't sound like he's missing intimacy, it just sounds like he wants to get off. Which he's perfectly able to do for himself instead of demanding it from someone else.

RedBlackberries · 08/10/2017 21:48

Haha, I've been there. pyong has it though. It's so hard to tell the difference between rejection and then just being a whinging arse!

RidingWindhorses · 08/10/2017 21:49

The sex sulk is one of the least attractive things ever. And definitely coercive.

I would never ever want to have sex with someone who felt like that had to but didn't want to. You might point that out to him.

ReanimatedSGB · 08/10/2017 21:50

There's a thing I have heard recommended as a way of dealing with this sort of mismatch - you agree that so many nights per week sex is only on the menu if you ask, and the other nights, he gets to ask (but you are not obliged to say yes). This can help because you get those nights where you know that he is not going to be 'hinting', or groping you, or complaining. But this will only work if you both like and respect one another and are prepared to stick to the rules.
Are there things he could do that would make you more inclined to have sex (eg do something differently in bed, or take on more housework)?

Original poster
eyerollingemoji · 08/10/2017 21:50

@C0untDucku1a This is the conversation me and my partner have had. Have you found a compromise yet? I tried to just go with it but my partner knows when I’m not really into it and says it’s obvious I don’t want to be having sex he still carries on though and tells me after 🙄 I just can’t make myself enjoy something I don’t feel like doing. He in turn then gets frustrated- even though we have had sex. It feels like even when I do it to please him it’s still not good enough but what can I do about that?!

OP posts:
Collaborate · 08/10/2017 21:52

If it's so important to either of you then perhaps the marriage isn't all it's cracked up to be. You'll feel resentful that he wants sex. He'll feel resentful he's not getting it. Eventually he may feel he needs to be in a relationship with someone else and you'll feel all you want is an asexual relationship, or it's just him that's the problem and what you want is someone different.

C0untDucku1a · 08/10/2017 21:52

Have you explored why you dont want sex? Sought counselling or anything?

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