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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To have sex just to...

194 replies

eyerollingemoji · 08/10/2017 21:09

Stop DH walking round with a face like a slapped arse?

I did this morning. I think he thought we were going to have sex last night but I fell asleep before we had a chance. He was walking round sulking like a toddler so I just did it. I didn’t dislike it but I didn’t particularly enjoy it either. Am I alone on this one?

OP posts:

pp2017 · 08/10/2017 22:22

My OH doesn’t sulk deliberately but I do notice that if we’ve both been busy and haven’t had sex for a wee while his general overall temperament changes - he gets a bit like a woman with PMT....

I figure it’s just hormonal for him and he doesn’t even realise he’s doing it ie sex = happy hormones flowing freely or some crap like that??!!!

Justaboy · 08/10/2017 22:23

I’m sure this is all down to my first sexual relationship. God this thread is really opening a can of worms for me

Yes this is an eye opener the damage caused by an inexperienced 16 year old boy who provably knows no different or better!.

Justaboy · 08/10/2017 22:24

I figure it’s just hormonal for him and he doesn’t even realise he’s doing it ie sex = happy hormones flowing freely or some crap like that??!!!

Yes!, something very much like that;)

Seaweed42 · 08/10/2017 22:34

OP, I am the exact same as you so you are not alone in what you are experiencing. What we did is agree on a one day of the week when we have sex (yeah, sounds boring I know). But it means that he's not 'expecting' it, and you are not having to wait for the 'hints'. I absolutely relate to that feeling of being able to relax because we got it over with that morning.
Since the menopause sex never crosses my mind, so yes it's a chore. And I had an operation down there and stitches etc so it can be uncomfortable too sometimes. Also with young teens in the house, they don't go to bed early anymore at the weekends and I hate doing it if I think there's a possibility they could hear us (him)...My DH can come home at lunchtime or an hour and doesn't have to go to work till half an hour after kids go, but it doesn't suit him to have sex at those times. And yeah, I fake enjoying all the time to get it over with, and I bet I'm not the only one who does that. But I'd prefer that than divorcing someone I love.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 08/10/2017 22:42

I think you really need to be more open with him. Tell him that when he wants to cuddle you don't know whether it's a cuddle he wants or sex & that makes you flinch/back off.

Could you try the suggestion made earlier of having several nights a week where he's not allowed to ask or hint at having sex, where you can relax when you go to bed & cuddle without fear it'll turn into him trying to get you to have sex.

In turn, maybe if YOU are the one starting things off you might feel more 'in the mood' or at least less 'irritated'. I do think it's true that the more you have sex, the more you want it. It's easy to get into the habit of not wanting it. Its also very easy to get into not even thinking about whether you do or not, just saying no because you're pissed off about it.

It's not good to be on either side of this.

bridgetoc · 09/10/2017 01:07

I would NEVER have sex unless I wanted it. However, it's not often that I don't.

IncreasinglyMisanthropic · 09/10/2017 01:42

When I see threads like this it makes me grateful I'm single. I'd hate to get into bed at night and have to worry about being groped and pestered when I'm blatantly not in the mood for fun.

It reminds me of my last job when I would have appointments scheduled fortnightly with customers and I would always pray the awful ones wouldn't turn up so I'd have an easier day. However, at least I was getting paid.

Shoxfordian · 09/10/2017 05:23

Sulking is so unattractive. Also carrying on even when he knows you're not that into it is not great. Like someone said; bordering on coercion and not ok.

Have you considered going to couples or sex therapy? You'd both have to be open to discussing this issue though.

HerSymphonyAndSong · 09/10/2017 05:36

"It can come across as sulking"

It is sulking, the cause is immaterial, let's not make excuses for bad behaviour

BoomBoomsCousin · 09/10/2017 06:06

I wouldn't have sex when I wanted to not have it, IYSWIM, but I don't think it's unreasonable to have sex with someone to be nice to them, even if you're not totally into the idea when you decide to. I normally quite enjoy it when I do that anyway, but so long as I don't dislike it I'm OK with it. I expect a similar attitude in return though and an effort to please me, from time to time, even when it's not his idea of the most attractive thing to do right then.

What I would not find attractive is being with someone who sulks because they didn't get sex. That smacks of expectation.

notheretoargue · 09/10/2017 07:35

Op, the same thing happened to us. I could have written your posts, including the flinching when he touched me

We talked openly about it after one too many times it me feeling miserable during sex. (I know that once was too many, but it took us a while to talk...)

We decided to try intimacy nights, once per week, where we would take it in turns to propose something. E.g. I might propose cuddling on the sofa with no sex. We could say no at any point, and I said really clearly that I must always be able to say no to sex.

Weirdly, we never did it. The relief from the 'duty' to have sex revived my libido and I've started initiating and really enjoying sex! The problem was clearly about our relationship and not about sex alone.

scottishdiem · 09/10/2017 07:58

Sulking is unattractive. Being in a near sexless marriage is also not that great either but it's interesting the number of people here dismissing human sexual desire as unimportant. I'd leave DP if sex was no longer a thing between us. Many women post here complaining about sexless marriages and are never told their needs and desires are irrelevant. Why should the OPs DH be any different?

BarbarianMum · 09/10/2017 08:10

Duh - because he's a man of course scottish. They don't have needs, only demands.

HolgerDanske · 09/10/2017 08:34

One's needs are not irrelevant. But particularly when it comes to straightforward sexual relief it is NOT something that one cannot address for one's self. If intimacy is what is being missed, that is different. But just needing to climax requires nothing more than taking the job in hand, so to speak (and pardon the pun). Demanding to be 'seen to' as if your wife is some kind of appliance you're entitled to just plug yourself into is a nasty thing and walking around stropping and making a horrible atmosphere is out of order. If he was single he'd be sorting himself out no problem.

ADayGivingMeHope · 09/10/2017 08:40

You could chose one day a week for sex that way he won’t be pestering you all week and you know to prepare yourself, sometimes anticipation is key to looking forward to sex and he will be able to look forward to it without thinking he won’t get any that week.

GilligansKitchenIsland · 09/10/2017 08:48

But the OP's partner hasn't said or implied that he just wants to climax. By all accounts they have an otherwise healthy, loving relationship - why the assumption that he's just looking for a 'wank sock'? Sex isn't just about orgasms you know - it can also be about giving and receiving love

I do think a lot of the issues here could be solved by more open communication. In my house we say things like "can we have a naked cuddle but I don't necessarily mean sex?" or "Do you want to have sex?" or "I'm not really in the mood for sex - can we just fool around a bit?" (implied: hand job/oral). notheretoargue's idea of 'intimacy nights' is good, too.

HolgerDanske · 09/10/2017 08:50

Because he told her more than once that he 'was frustrated'. That doesn't sound to me like, darling, I miss you, I want some time with you, I wand sex and intimacy and cuddles. That sounds like I want to come.

GilligansKitchenIsland · 09/10/2017 08:56

I've said "I'm frustrated" to my DH before to mean "I'm frustrated by our lack of intimacy". I don't think it has to mean purely physically frustrated.
A bit like how sometimes "why are you always working so late, you're never at home, you treat this place like a hotel!" can mean "I miss you - why don't you want to spend time with me?" (Or maybe that's just in my house ) But people dont always say exactly what they mean, especially when dping so would make them a bit vulnerable.

HargenDarse · 09/10/2017 09:00

Wow, that's bad OP. Something very wrong with what he did. Why couldn't he wait Redirect his thoughts? Or even masturbates if he was that desperate.

HerSymphonyAndSong · 09/10/2017 09:13

"my partner knows when I’m not really into it and says it’s obvious I don’t want to be having sex he still carries on though and tells me after"

This indicates that while he may prefer not to use her as a "wank-sock", he is very much prepared to and it's not because he is oblivious to the fact that she isn't enjoying it

RidingWindhorses · 09/10/2017 09:22

It's not near sexless though. OP fancies her DH, enjoys sex with him, just not as often as he would like.

He meanwhile is happy to have sex with her when she doesn't want it. And is stroppy if he doesn't get it. That is the real problem here. Unacceptable from man or woman.

GetOffTheTableMabel · 09/10/2017 09:33

Is he actually good in bed? Do you begin sex knowing that it will end in an orgasm? He has that luxury, do you? I'm aware that I am being crass but it just doesn't seem as though the actual sex is sufficiently fulfilling for you. And if that's the case, I fail to see why this is all on you.
If you knew that it was going to take 15 minutes and that you would climax, would there still be a problem.
Sorry. Embarrassed for mentioning this but it irritates me that men can complain about this without seeming to ask why women are happy to give it a miss.

Mittens1969 · 09/10/2017 09:36

The issue is the sulking. It’s not as if the OP doesn’t ever want sex with him, she didn’t even refuse him! She just fell asleep, which she couldn’t help. Yes, ok, if he felt like he was on a promise, then being a little disappointed is understandable, but he should have got over it by then and definitely not made her feel guilty for falling asleep! That is just a bit childish.

sinceyouask · 09/10/2017 09:38

DH wanted to have sex Saturday night and yesterday morning. I didn't. Yesterday morning he pestered and pestered and after a while I said fine, I'll just lie here and you can do what you like just be quick ok? Which made him realise what a tit he was being and stop trying.

bridgetreilly · 09/10/2017 09:59

Sex is something you should NEVER EVER comprise [sic] on.

That is ridiculous. It's something that every couple has to compromise on, at one time or another. People do not magically both want to have sex at the same time as each other, or magically both not want to have sex at the same time as each other.

What you actually have to do is talk about it, not sulk and get passive-aggressive like the OP's partner. Admit that sometimes one of you wants sex more than the other. Care about each other's wishes, not just your own. Sometimes that might mean having sex when you don't particularly feel like it, because you want to for the sake of the person you love. And sometimes that might mean not having sex when you want, because you care more about how your partner is feeling.

When there is a long term imbalance, it's even more important to talk about it and work out the best solution for you both, which will almost inevitably mean both of you compromising.

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