To have sex just to...

[eyerollingemoji]

Stop DH walking round with a face like a slapped arse?

I did this morning. I think he thought we were going to have sex last night but I fell asleep before we had a chance. He was walking round sulking like a toddler so I just did it. I didn’t dislike it but I didn’t particularly enjoy it either. Am I alone on this one?

OP, you need to talk to him about that first relationship. It's perfectly understandable that it affects how you feel about sex in your current relationship, but if he doesn't know about it, he can't understand that. If he's asking what's happened to make you respond in particular ways, he can clearly see that something's a bit wrong, and I think it would help a lot if you could explain that to him. And then you can both discuss how to make your current relationship healthier for both of you.

I think many men see sex = love, I know this is true of my husband. He thinks me having sex with him cements the idea that I still love him (which is not necessarily true of me, when sometimes sex is just lust).

If I can add my 2 pennies I'm from the opposite side. I'd love sex 3 times a week but my DH doesn't really think about it. It makes me feel unattractive, unwanted rejected and has led to depression. For people with a high sex drive it is often a need rather than a want. The rejection affects the rest of the relationship as you withdraw to protect yourself from the hurt. I suspect where you saw a face of a petulant child it was probably the face of a man wondering if you loved him anymore. You have several choices. Split up, compromise, have an open relationship. If this continues he is likely to make the choice for you by either having an affair or leaving. There's only so much rejection a person can take. He's probably eaten away inside about this and thinking it over 24/7.

I very much agree that the 'never, ever compromise' position, again pardon the pun, is too black and white to really be useful (outside of extreme dysfunction and/or abusive situations).

Of course there can and should be considered compromise on this issue, where needed, as on any other issue that comes up where the parties in a loving, respectful and equal relationship don't necessarily agree.

The issue here is the stropping.

She didn’t actually refuse sex on this occasion, though, she just fell asleep, which happens. And she did have sex this morning, she probably didn’t tell him she didn’t enjoy it.

Thing is if there's a pattern of refusal/lack of interest it turns into a big thing and falling asleep, will in her DHs head just be another instance of not prioritising sex. It's hard to explain what the constant rejection within a marriage does to someone. He probably lay there getting more and more upset and angry. This needs communication and acceptance that at the person who doesn't want sex hold all the cards which makes the other party feel powerless. Yes it's your right to not have sex but it's his right to react how's he's reacting. Please don't view him as behaving like a petulant child

I can see both sides here but, his sulking is out of order.

Different libido’s is such a difficult one & would be a deal breaker for a lot of people. He should tell you rather than sulk & if he’s not happy, he should end things

You should tell your DP about your first boyfriend, it will help him to understand that you’re not rejecting him. I’m someone who really struggles with sexual intimacy because of childhood SA, but my DH understands and accepts how I am.

Communication is always the key, I think. Your DP clearly loves you.

It’s interesting reading experiences from both sides. Thanks for the replies

Why on earth are you married to someone you don't fancy or desire sexually? I find this baffling.

I don't think telling him about first bf will do anything but convince him she has a problem. I think you might mention the coercion though in he context of his own, it might make him think twice.

Eh? She said she finds him very attractive and when she's in the mood sex is great. She just has a lower libido is all.

His attitude is not helping. There's nothing more offputting than feeling pressured into sex.

This is something that always makes me sad to read. Sex shouldn't make you feel unhappy so if you're persuaded to have sex, and think no more of it - fine. If you're persuaded or (guilted into it) and it leaves you feeling crummy - it's wrong. It wears away at your sense of autonomy and makes it hard to be intimate in lots of other ways. I wish I had the answer - talking about it can be hard because rejecting someone physically can be hard for them to take, but it's a starting point. If you've got a sulker or someone who reacts angrily it's very hard. Sympathy OP x

I don't think you should compromise, either you want to have sex with him or you don't. You need to discuss it though. "Hey, its comprise night" He's not going to enjoy that sex either. Perhaps he needs to be more creative in how he initiates it. A nudge in the back when dosing may not work but a fun night out talking about old crazy times when you first got together may awaken your urge... What gets you in the mood? Tell him and he may surprise you. ;)

*compromise not comprise

Compromise sex sounds so unappealing.

I don't think compromise sex should happen. I'm talking about compromise in the general situation.

Could you not have introduced him to his right hand?

**

To all the posters saying couldn't he just have a wank- no sex between a couple is bonding, connecting. Repeated rejection strikes to the core of self worth. Living in a sexless marriage (commonly defined as less that 12 times a year) is depressing and leads to self low esteem for the person wanting more

No. If anything very much no, so you don't get into a habit of thinking you have to have sex to placate a man. Are you afraid of what he might do if you don't?

It's your body. You have sex when and with whom you choose. Marriage does not mean he has any right to you.

"Sometimes that might mean having sex when you don't particularly feel like it, because you want to for the sake of the person you love."

That sounds like a really thrilling experience for both parties.

Yes, and that is why more than one person has said this needs dealing with and talking about. As soul destroying as lack of sex is, no one should have sex they do not want to have, at a time when they do not want it.

Talk about it, thrash over it as many times as you need to, but no one in the scenario is in the wrong. Not the one with the higher libido, nor the one with the lower or non-existent desire. If no compromise that suits both people can be agreed, then I think it's up to the one who wants more to take the decisive step to take themselves out of a situation that is not fulfilling their needs/wants/whatever you want to call it. It's usually the other party that is happy with the status quo, or at least neutral in regards to it.

Difficult to accept it may be, but at the end of the day one should not demand sex from someone who doesn't want to have it, whatever the situation.

"my partner knows when I’m not really into it and says it’s obvious I don’t want to be having sex he still carries on though and tells me after"

Did no one else read this bit?? I find his behaviour truly disturbing

I don't know. I wouldn’t be with anyone who pressured me into sex. Equally I wouldn’t be with anyone who I didn't have a satisfying sexual relationship with. Life's too short to be miserable!