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AIBU?

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Original poster

To have sex just to...

194 replies

eyerollingemoji · 08/10/2017 21:09

Stop DH walking round with a face like a slapped arse?

I did this morning. I think he thought we were going to have sex last night but I fell asleep before we had a chance. He was walking round sulking like a toddler so I just did it. I didn’t dislike it but I didn’t particularly enjoy it either. Am I alone on this one?

OP posts:
plantsitter · 09/10/2017 15:32

He needs to make himself sexy to you if he wants you to want sex. And petulant strops are never sexy.

What is, for you?

For me I find a little distance makes DH sexy. Neediness, not.

If you like the idea of wanting sex even if you don't actually want to do it, it's worth thinking about a bit, isn't it?

kittensinmydinner1 · 09/10/2017 15:35

This is going to be a deeply unpopular view . I am not suggesting it’s right but that doesn’t make it any less true. If you value your marriage and love your husband. The 1950’s attitude of ‘fake it till you make it’ does actually work. (Or cause such resentment that you will want to end it anyway. )

Mismatched sex drives are the number 1 reason for infidelity leading to divorce. You ignore it at your peril. It is no more acceptable to refuse and create feelings of rejection than it is to sulk and co-erce.
Why does the OW hold such power that a man is willing to leave his children? Simple answer . Sex, and lots of it. Certainly doesn’t make it right. Nevertheless true.

The happiest longest lasting marriages I know are those where the couple have always made time for each other. Putting their relationship and sex as the number 1 priority- on the basis that happy parents want to be together and stay together. Leading to happy children. If that means shipped off to granny or overnight babysitter so that parents can truly relax and enjoy it, that is the price to pay.

HolgerDanske · 09/10/2017 15:39

Sorry but no. Plenty of people who have been cheated on were having plenty of sex up to and during the period in which an affair started. That is NOT what affairs are usually about.

Time together, loving honouring and cherishing each other, sure, make that a priority, and, if both of you want it, sex. But do not peddle that partriarchichal nonsense about men having a right to sex no matter what, and making that a condition upon which one chooses to be faithful or not.

Ttbb · 09/10/2017 15:47

No, but then again I married a man, not an animal.

Dustbunny1900 · 09/10/2017 15:48

Disagree about sex being the leading cause of cheating. I think it's excitement/boredom with ones life's Or partner and a stroking of the ego. Sex alone will not get a man to leave his family. And nobody should feel coerced in an attempt to keep their partner. Instead, work out why there's a lack of interest instead of just gritting your teeth and waiting for him to finish. Any man that would be ok with that isn't worth keeping anyhow, ick.

he needs to make himself sexy to you yep, that's what us women are always told! "Put on some lingerie, cook him a great meal, give him a massage, send dirty pictures and tell him what an amazing manly man he is" but it seems men are entitled to sex from their woman no matter what

coconuttella · 09/10/2017 15:53

Sex is something you should NEVER EVER comprise [sic] on.

i presume you mean you should never have sex unless you enthusiastically want it... rather than expecting everyone's libido to be perfectly in tune with each other.

However, I don't see anything wrong with compromising within boundaries.... it's one thing to compromise and have sex when you're a bit tired but persuadable... quite another when you're ill/in pain/really just don't want to. I imagine that in the vast majority of long term relationships, the one with the lower sex drive will compromise from time to time, as will the one with the higher libido.

Iwanttobe8stoneagain · 09/10/2017 16:21

Kitten great post. There's lots of different types of affairs some are 99% about sex. I suspect these friends with benefits affairs are probably the one people don't find out about.

HerSymphonyAndSong · 09/10/2017 16:25

I just can't imagine having sex with someone who obviously wasn't enjoying it. I would feel I was abusing them.

AtHomeDadGlos · 09/10/2017 16:29

Can’t he just go and rub one off?

paap1975 · 09/10/2017 16:34

Quite frankly I'm surprised by how many people are happy to deprive their partners of intimacy, whilst expecting them to remain faithful indefinitely. I have 2 friends in long term relationships whose partners have not had sex with them for upwards of 10 years. It's only a matter of time before they stray, if you ask me.
My partner has a higher sex drive than me. Sometimes he goes without, sometimes I make an effort. That's compromise.

Scoobydoobydont · 09/10/2017 16:36

Could you not have introduced him to his right hand?

That is massively missing the point of why someone with a higher sex Drive feels
Unwanted in a relationship.

It’s not anywhere close to being purely a physical need you can simply sort out yourself. The constant feeling that your partner doesn’t find you attractive, want to be pleased by you, or want to please you is a very emotional one and over time can really, really eat away at you.

HerSymphonyAndSong · 09/10/2017 16:38

But does a higher sex drive excuse having sex with someone who you can tell doesn't want it?

Scoobydoobydont · 09/10/2017 16:43

But does a higher sex drive excuse having sex with someone who you can tell doesn't want it?

Not sure who that is aimed at but clearly people shouldn’t have sex with someone who doesn’t want it.

The flip side being if you are in a long term relationship with someone who is attractive to you, who you care about, and who wants to have sex with you frequently enough for it not to be a problem, why the hell wouldn’t you?

Bazinga1234 · 09/10/2017 16:56

I hate the sex sulk. It really irritates me.
When DH tries it on and I say no, he'll get in such a huff. Sometimes even saying "oh fuck off then" and goes to sleep. But he always apologises the next morning, I also say "are you going to get pissy with me again" and he denies ever doing it. Even though he does it every time I say no haha.

A couple of times I have said yes, just to get him to stop bugging me.. but then I end up enjoying it.

But usually we have sex 3-4 times a week so the sex sulk doesn't happen too much.

HerSymphonyAndSong · 09/10/2017 17:03

I don't think I would want to have sex with someone who was prepared to have sex with me when I didn't want to (and they knew it), regardless of how much I loved or fancied them. It would turn me off as much as sulking, the fact that they are prepared to let their pleasure override my pain

RespoDad · 09/10/2017 17:05

😈👅

pandarific · 09/10/2017 17:08

It’s not anywhere close to being purely a physical need you can simply sort out yourself. The constant feeling that your partner doesn’t find you attractive, want to be pleased by you, or want to please you is a very emotional one and over time can really, really eat away at you.

Agreed. I have quite a high sex drive and when DH has been not feeling the best we've gone 4+ months without sex. It's been temporary and has picked up again but it had made me feel so unwanted in the past, we've had rows where I have complained about his lack of interest. I couldn't live like that if it was permanent.

In a normal, non-abusive partnership both partners need to make an effort to be sensitive to each others needs, whether that be for space because they're not feeling it for a period, or for going to the GP if it's a sudden loss of desire / ED etc.

coconuttella · 09/10/2017 17:14

But usually we have sex 3-4 times a week so the sex sulk doesn't happen too much.

You have sex at least every other day and he still has sex sulks where he tells you to fuck off!! Confused I would be concerned for the future when life/babies/illness gets in the way and there's a dry patch!

HolgerDanske · 09/10/2017 17:19

Yes... but the point is it wasn't a permanent situation. It was 4+ months of not feeling wanted, and then it picked up and you felt wanted again.

If the other party simply doesn't want sex, and you feel you want sex, then once you feel you have waited long enough, you need to be willing to either a) accept that your o/h no longer wants sex/enjoys sex/wants it with you/whatever the case may be and b) make your peace with that and stay regardless, if other areas in the relationship make up for that loss of sexual intimacy or c) leave.

Scoobydoobydont · 09/10/2017 17:24

I would be concerned for the future when life/babies/illness gets in the way and there's a dry patch!

I wouldn’t.

Dry patches for the valid reasons you mention come along for all couples, and in those instances “taking matters into your own hands” sorts out the physical issue. There isn’t an emotional issue to deal with for the person being turned down as they can see a valid and justifiable reason for not engaging.

It’s a completely different situation to reguralaly and consistently being turned down by someone who just doesn’t want sex with you - which when you love them and believe they love you is utterly soul destroying

kittensinmydinner1 · 09/10/2017 17:25

I do not for one minute doubt that men (women less so) are capable of having affairs whilst enjoying a healthy sex life with their partners.
There will always be self centred ‘players’ who get their kicks from the thrill of the new. But we aren’t discussing couples with healthy , mutually agreeable sex lives. We are discussing mismatched libidos.
It’s a serious serious relationship threatening issue that will NOT improve without facing it.
This is not an exclusive male preserve. Plenty of women suffer the grinding misery of continual rejection. They however get a much more sympathetic ride and aren’t dismissed with ‘introduce her to her right hand’ - that is so far beyond crass and thoughtless as to be quite unpleasant. Most people in a relationship regard sex as the glue that holds the whole thing together.

ReanimatedSGB · 09/10/2017 17:32

The fact that this man will carry on having sex on OP's body when he has said to her that he can see she isn't keen is what makes me think the relationship may well be doomed.

Arrowfanatic · 09/10/2017 17:32

I've been here, and posted about the sex sulk before. My husband is a wonderful man, great father and I adore him. But he wants sex every day, I want it once a week. Add to this I have ill health and a very busy home life I can easily go a couple of weeks without sex even occurring to me.

Oh would sulk, declare I must just not fancy him and it simply wasn't true. I was just tired, in pain or simply just not in the mood. We've worked past it and things have improved, we talked about it and both made an effort.

HerSymphonyAndSong · 09/10/2017 17:35

Thank goodness someone else has noticed this ReanimatedSGB!

HolgerDanske · 09/10/2017 17:40

Of course I've noticed it, it's glaringly obvious.

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