To have sex just to...

[eyerollingemoji]

Stop DH walking round with a face like a slapped arse?

I did this morning. I think he thought we were going to have sex last night but I fell asleep before we had a chance. He was walking round sulking like a toddler so I just did it. I didn’t dislike it but I didn’t particularly enjoy it either. Am I alone on this one?

@coconuttella

We have two children (4 and 5) and another on the way.. obviously if we are ill then we wouldn't be having sex.

He's most likely to get in a sulk when it has been a longer gap. Which is why I said it's rare.

My boyfriend probably wants sex more often than me. Lately we've both been tired from moving and only had sex at weekends. He doesn't sulk though because he's a man not a toddler.

All these men sulking about not having sex don't deserve sex

My ex was like this and its the exact reason i left. Theres nothing more unattractive than a man sulking because he you arent ‘putting out’ appropriately. Just this alone made me despise him and put me off him completely in every way. Its pathetic and nothing in a relationship has annoyed me more than this.

As you can tell, i am feeling angry just thinking about it

Just to add, id find nothing wrong with actually saying it out loud, i may say no/yes/later etc, but acting like a kid who’s been denied a toy in a shop is totally grim.

Sounds like my h

To all those saying ‘oh my ex was like this ... it’s why I left him’ .. not really very helpful.

OP has said quite clearly that she ‘adores’ her DH, he is a kind, thoughtful co parent. She doesn’t want to leave him. It’s not the answer for MOST people in happy mutually fulfilling marriages. She is after some advice on how to sort out her and her husbands mismatched libidos. It’s an issue causing ‘A ‘problem within an otherwise happy relationship.
Not how she can end her marriage!

OMG are u me eye rolling we did on Friday when kids in school cos we both finished work early so I'm thinking great won't have to worry about it for a bit,Sunday morning got up early with ds after a while he comes up with a big face saying I thought you were coming back to bed.So he was in a shitty mood all day looking for things to have a go at me then wow he apologised last night (never apologises he always says to me are you still in a bad mood pissues me off)said I was cranky cos I was hungry,he was fuckin hungry cos he didn't eat dinner I made him which I pointed out, barely talking to him today and he hasn't had dinner I made. He can make his own in future feckin men.

I don't know, there's mismatched libidos and there's having sex with someone when you know they don't want it. I'm not sure whether the latter can be worked through

@kittensinmydinner1 OP asked “am i alone on this one” and i gave my experience, to show she is not alone on it??

Should i have just put “no you are not alone”?

The bit that seemed to be very sad for me is that you also don't want to cuddle or have any physical contact, because he might take that as a desire for sex, but then sometimes you'll let him have sex with you (even though you clearly don't want it).

So is the reluctant sex the only affection /physical contact you have? Because if so, then it's a bit more understandable he accepts that than go completely without any contact.

People do have affairs for a variety of reasons, but lack of affection (not just sex) will make you at risk if someone else shows that to you.

Therapy does sound like a good idea for you, and be honest with him that you'd like to cuddle without feeling like it's a sign you want sex.

Sulking is never attractive, and you shouldn't have sex just to keep him happy, but if you can't tell your DP how you feel, or talk about bad experiences in your past, it doesn't sound like a healthy relationship, regardless.

InvisibleKitten
Great post. It’s pretty much what I was trying to say but wasn’t articulate enough! Yes, sex often isn’t just sex. It’s the affection (or lack of) that’s the biggest threat to a relationship.
The situation the OP is in, is the most dangerous. She doesn’t want to cuddle because quite rightly she doesn’t want to give out the wrong message.
Partner without affection will naturally feel unloved and rejected. If this continues for a lengthy period, the ‘unloved’ partner is much more susceptible to outside offers of affection.
It’s not right or ‘ok’. It is real life though.
Couples counselling. Learning that affection can be enough on its own sometimes. Talking it through. That’s really the only way forward.

I was you OP. 3 kids. Could go weeks /months without. Pretending to be asleep. Even fake snoring to put him off. He tried everything. Was really patient. Unfortunately because he didn’t hassle I took that as perfectly fine. Months turned to years, finally after 3 yrs without, he left. Long time ago now. Both very happily remarried but essentially it was a good marriage that needn’t have ended if only I had talked about it. A lot of lives needn’t have been blown apart for want of some counselling!

I don't disagree with your three options HolgerDanske. But I think if one partner suffers a loss of desire and IF rather than work on it or go to the GP, they essentially just say 'suck it up' to the other, who it is important to, then it's very shitty, selfish behaviour for a life partner. Particularly as the choices you mention are the only choices.

I'm not going to entirely disagree with you. These three options are obviously if it's past the point at which both people want to work on it.

But actually, I'm not sure I agree with counselling for the 'problem' of not having any sexual desire. In some cases, where there is a definite desire on that party's part to pursue this, sure. But I don't agree with coercing people or making them feel that they have to want sex. Many, many people don't. And that's just as much a valid position as any other.

And plenty of people are shitty and selfish in relationships, and when their partner gets to the point where they no longer want to put up with that selfishness, they can leave. Or they can choose to balance it against any other good points. What they can't do is demand that a person change who they are, because unless that person actually wants to, it just isn't going to happen.

But actually, I'm not sure I agree with counselling for the 'problem' of not having any sexual desire.

I agree. I should have said specifically I'm talking about people getting into a committed relationship when there was mutual desire, and then an imbalance occurring.

It's a different story when someone has no or low desire always, as you say that's entirely valid.

@pandarific, I agree. There is of course sometimes a physical reason for the lack of libido, it could be a side effect of medication you’re on, in which case a visit to the GP is in order.

With me, it’s not so much lack of libido, it’s about having difficulty with physical displays of affection leading to avoiding sexual intimacy. don’t want to be like this, but it’s how it is. Thankfully for me, my DH has been very loving about it, as he understands why it’s been like this.

But I think counselling is worthwhile, to create a space to talk about it. The level of libido isn't the subject of the counselling, the problems the mismatch is causing is

Haven’t read the full thread etc but a lot of you are determined to make the man sound as horrible as possible and I seriously don’t get that vibe, he seems concerned because he has asked you if there is an underlying issue and you have chosen not to open up to him (which you are well within your rights to do so).

I don't know what to say to someone who thinks it's okay to have sex with someone who clearly doesn't want to.

I tried to just go with it but my partner knows when I’m not really into it and says it’s obvious I don’t want to be having sex he still carries on though

There are many relationships where a mismatch in libido can be solved with talking, kindness, consideration and possibly counselling.
It is miserable to be the one who would like more sex/affection/intimacy and who is being rejected on a regular basis (the partner who either won't engage with any discussion on the subject or who 'promises to change' but does nothing is being selfish and unkind.)

Not sure about this one, though. Because this man keeps shoving his dick in OP when he is HIMSELF aware that she isn't enjoying it. He has a profound conviction that he is entitled to use her body for sex - he won't think of himself as a rapist, or a bad man, but the fact remains he is focussed on the end of his dick, rather than the concept of his partner as a human being.

The tl;dr version: if the woman says, 'just do it and get it over with':
The man who is upset and backs off = a relationship that can probably be salvaged.
The man who not only continues to get his dick wet but continues nagging and sulking and blaming the woman for 'making no effort' = abusive relationship.

It’s not abusive lol it’s probably abusive to withhold all types of affection and that can get anyone down, man or woman as we have seen from other posters who have kindly shared their views from the other side. But, this is mumsnet and we all have to hate men or we are all misogynists.

Quackporridge... It's "not abusive lol" what, it's not abusive of a person to coerce someone into sex and then continue to have sex with the person - when they're aware that person doesn't want it and then berate the person afterwards for "not wanting it"... That's NOT abusive, in your opinion??
But according to you "denying affection" to the coercive partner is - as if someones going to feel comfortable cuddling up to someone they know will insist on sex despite them not wanting it??

There is NOTHING wrong with not being in the mood, you're entitled to say "no".
End of.
The reaction of the 'spurned ' party is telling... It is NOT appropriate to 'sulk, berate or demand"
A loving partner should be able to accept that they're not entitled just because "your married/in a relationship" if they feel rejected then they're not being unreasonable to "TALK" sensibly and calmly about needing more physical affection and wanting to feel loved.
Can we please leave all this "awwww poor rejected entitled desperate for a shag" nonsense at the door of the 1950s where it belongs - NO-ONE is ENTITLED to sex.