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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have sex just to...

194 replies

eyerollingemoji · 08/10/2017 21:09

Stop DH walking round with a face like a slapped arse?

I did this morning. I think he thought we were going to have sex last night but I fell asleep before we had a chance. He was walking round sulking like a toddler so I just did it. I didn’t dislike it but I didn’t particularly enjoy it either. Am I alone on this one?

OP posts:
PickAChew · 08/10/2017 21:54

He in turn then gets frustrated- even though we have had sex. It feels like even when I do it to please him it’s still not good enough but what can I do about that?!

Stop letting him do sex to you just to please him.

Smeaton · 08/10/2017 21:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GinAndSonic · 08/10/2017 21:55

With my stbxh he sulked for sex. Or straight up kicked off about it. It was awful. In my most recent relationship I was the one with the higher drive but I never sulked or whined about it. I could manage a few weeks without sex and once every few weeks was all he wanted. I bigger discrepancy would have been more difficult but if sulking and guiltily the other person into sex is how it's dealt with then that's a huge problem

Albertschair · 08/10/2017 21:57

Do you love him?

Do you fancy him?

If yes to both, why isn't sex good? Something that you enjoy and look forward to. Is this something you can work on together?

If no to the first, leave him. Let him have a future with someone who does love him.

If you love him but don't fancy him. Work out why. Life sometines gets in the way. You can learn to fancy someone again if you love them enough to try. And to talk to them if you want them to do something different.

ReanimatedSGB · 08/10/2017 21:57

So he's not content with making you feel obliged to let him have sex on you, you're expected to fake enjoyment, as well?
I bet he's rubbish at it, and it's all about shoving his dick in you and pumping for a bit, as well...

Annelind · 08/10/2017 21:57

OP you are not a wank sock! sex should be a joyous, consensual thing - not you 'giving in' to sulks! Confused

GinAndSonic · 08/10/2017 21:58

Just read your last post. That's a huge part of the reason I left my stbxh if I'm honest. His sulking and his complaining that I wasn't into it enough put me off even more. It just got worse. I left.

Original poster
eyerollingemoji · 08/10/2017 21:58

@C0untDucku1a I think an experience when I was younger has something to do with why I feel like this. My first sexual relationship wasn’t a healthy one. My 16 year old boyfriend would want sex A LOT and if I told him I didn’t want to he would tell me that I ‘might as well go home then’. I often think this first relationship has affected me as an adult in many ways but I have never sought counselling for it for fear of opening the wounds again. I’ve never spoken to my partner about it but he has asked me a few times...’What have you been through to be like this?’ I think he knows there’s an issue but I’ve never opened up to him even when he’s asked

OP posts:
Original poster
eyerollingemoji · 08/10/2017 22:01

@Albertschair I love him very much and find him extremely attractive except form when he’s sulking Apart from the sexual side of our relationship everything is great. He’s supportive of me and a great dad to the DC

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GilligansKitchenIsland · 08/10/2017 22:02

Another vote for Pyongyang here.
There's a lot of "Bloody men, always wanting sex! You should never have sex except to meet you own needs, and if your DH doesn't like it then LTB!" on MN, but I think in the real world there does need to be an element of compromise, especially where sex drives are mismatched. It feels horrible to be constantly rejected, but it's also pretty shit if you spend so much time dreading sex. Is he good at (capable of..?) getting you in the mood if you're not already in it?

ReanimatedSGB · 08/10/2017 22:03

Actually, counselling sounds like it might be good for you. Not because it will make you more compliant (though you can let your partner think that will be the end result, if you like) but a good counsellor will help you feel better about yourself and your libido - and your choices. The end result may be that you decide this man is not a satisfactory partner, and leave him - or it may be that you gain the confidence to have a proper discussion with him which does improve the relationship.

Mrsmadevans · 08/10/2017 22:07

I do it with the oh once in a blue moon only because I feel l have to, It is out of a sense of duty I suppose , he doesn't sulk or anything but I feel sorry for him .

grumpysquash3 · 08/10/2017 22:07

he has asked me a few times...’What have you been through to be like this?’

So he thinks that you must somehow be damaged or dysfunctional?

No, not so. Not wanting sex all the time is perfectly reasonable.

Ropsleybunny · 08/10/2017 22:09

My ex used to sulk and sulk, then he'd wank in bed as I was trying to sleep. I got so pissed off and that's why he's an ex. 😎

Petalflowers · 08/10/2017 22:11

Have you considered ‘becoming intimate’ in the morning, not evening. By the evening, I’m tired and not interested, but a morning cuddle is a lot better.

Original poster
eyerollingemoji · 08/10/2017 22:12

@grumpysquash3 He hasn’t said this about sex. This was with reference to me not being very affectionate. He goes to cuddle me sometimes and I flinch. He loves me so much and I know he does but sometimes I feel like if I hold his hand or give him a kiss before bed he will think it means I want to have sex even if I don’t do I don’t show much affection. He’s told me that sometimes he does just want a cuddle in bed and I should stop thinking he’s after sex all the time. I’m sure this is all down to my first sexual relationship. God this thread is really opening a can of worms for me

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TatianaLarina · 08/10/2017 22:13

Why is it your problem rather than his? Not having a high libido is not a sign of damage.

His attitude to sex is actively putting you off it. - I’d say that was his problem rather than yours.

If anything what you experienced in the past makes you more accepting of his attitude than you should be because you just think that’s what men are like.

TatianaLarina · 08/10/2017 22:15

You flinch because you fear, rightly that you may end up pressured into sex you don’t want. How are you to know when he just wants a cuddle and when he wants sex that if he doesn’t get it he’ll walk around in a sulk?

Didyoumeantobesorude1 · 08/10/2017 22:15

Do you actually enjoy sex with him? Do you think he is a good lover?

Original poster
eyerollingemoji · 08/10/2017 22:17

@Didyoumeantobesorude1 Yes- when I’m in the mood it’s great

OP posts:
TatianaLarina · 08/10/2017 22:18

Please don’t let him convince you this is your problem - that’s just part of the coercion.

Original poster
eyerollingemoji · 08/10/2017 22:18

@eyerollingemoji When I occasionally initiate sex he always makes sure I’m satisfied first. Probably why he finds it even more frustrated

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Original poster
eyerollingemoji · 08/10/2017 22:19

^frustrating

OP posts:
Justaboy · 08/10/2017 22:20

It can come across as sulking but if its rejection and that happens a lot of the time it can cause this effect. It can be awful if there are mismatched drives of course the woman may well not feel like it for all manner of reasons but if that's communicated then that's not so bad all other things being equal.

I've had times over the years when the sex has had drought times and likewise very good times. However its not quite the actual sex or lack thereof its that intimacy thing that a lot of men understand that they express by the sex act itself.

IvorHughJars · 08/10/2017 22:21

What daily mail said on page 1, with bells on.

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