To have sex just to...

[eyerollingemoji]

Stop DH walking round with a face like a slapped arse?

I did this morning. I think he thought we were going to have sex last night but I fell asleep before we had a chance. He was walking round sulking like a toddler so I just did it. I didn’t dislike it but I didn’t particularly enjoy it either. Am I alone on this one?

Now to my second point, it is absolutely NOT ON for someone to feel entitled to sex from someone who doesn't want it. It is not okay to act like it's some kind of automatic right. It is not. Affection and intimacy can easily be had without the act of sex, if that is actually what one wants.

If lack of sex is destroying you and making you feel worthless then, if there is no will at all from the other person to address this, and if your need to feel wanted and loved is killing you inside, then you need to take yourself out of that situation and free yourself to be loved in the way you need to be loved.

But whilst in this situation consent was given, in a general sense repeatedly pestering someone for sex and stropping if they don't 'put out' is coercive and is wrong. And continuing to have sex with someone who you know doesn't really want it is just unsavoury and really deeply unpleasant.

Holdger have you actually read the ops responses? She won’t even cuddle or kiss him and he has asked her has something happened to affect this and she won’t tell her partner anything, I think he has a right to huff a bit if he likes when he has tried but the op won’t, which she is entitled to do but it’s not helping her. What he did was wrong but understandable.

Whether it's understandable or not is beside the point, and yes I have read the responses.

There is a lot of difficult thinking to be done for the OP. And the other party. And if OP wants to do some work on getting to the bottom of what is holding her back from feeling comfortable with physical affection and touch, then that is a good place to start. But she has to want to do it. Otherwise she needs to tell him straight out that she does not want to open that can of worms, that she can't see herself ever being different, and then he has to decide whether he can stay in a marriage that does not fulfill his needs, or if he needs to go.

What he can't do is strop like a toddler and demand sex and continue having it with someone who doesn't really want it.

Unfortunately I do this too. If he doesn’t get it he’s stroppy and difficult. Truly pathetic. I choose my battles and sometimes that means consenting to sex.

OP I'm so shocked at your post. He's sulking because he didn't get sex? Then you did it anyway? When you didn't want to. I don't want to say that's rape but sex should never happen like that.

From a mans perspective (although it really should not make any difference)....pressurising a long term partner or spouse into sex via any means is never acceptable. However the partner with low libido refusing to take the correct steps through counselling or medical investigations is equally wrong. The feelings of rejection through lack of intimacy that are created are equally abusive. Sex is not the be all and end all in a relationship, however it is a very important element of it. If after exploring all avenues of restoring a collapsed sex life there is still no signs of improvement, then the couple have to be open with each other and decide if they can carry on in a sexless relationship. Works for some, but I guess not for many.

Pyongyang and the other pp about compromise are right.

Smeaton isn't wrong. But putting men who are upset at rejection in the same category as men who violate small children is problematic. If everyone is a criminal does being a criminal become normal?

For all his faults OP's first bf sounds like he understood the concept of enthusiastic consent, is that who women prefer? A man who bring no pressure to compromise but on the flipside, pure narcissism.

Your arguments are simplistic in the extreme and really offensive and you need to sort yourself out. You can fuck right off as far as I'm concerned.

Something being a lesser offence than something else truly horrendous does not make it okay. If you really are that thick that you can't grasp that, well I'm wasting my time. And again, if you're going to try to be clever with your stupid 'is that what women prefer' line then again, you can fuck right off. You should be able to see quite clearly that it is the coercive behaviour and the entitlement to sex to the degree that you will carry on having it even when it is clear the person you are using to your own satisfaction only is not enjoying and does not want it, that people are objecting to.

You are stupid and/or willfully ignorant. Either way, I have no respect at all for your opinion.

Op, can I ask if you've always had a low sex drive? When do you find yourself in the mood?

Very personal,I know, but do you masturbate?

I went through a zero libido stage (I swear the depo injection was a big factor)

My dh was understanding, but felt rejected and unhappy, I was unhappy too.

I came off the depo, got myself a decent vibrator, started dirty texting him during the day, to build up the mood, bought nice underwear, it worked! I did all this for myself first and foremost, like you,I loved my husband, and had good sex when I wanted it, so I wanted that back.

It took effort, but the more we had, the more I wanted, the pressure was off, and we got back to having intimacy of all kinds.

I hope you find a way through, its a truly shit situation to be in,I know.

Best of luck 🍀

pressurising a long term partner or spouse into sex via any means is never acceptable. However the partner with low libido refusing to take the correct steps through counselling or medical investigations is equally wrong

Don't be ridiculous. Having a low libido and not wanting counselling or medical investigations is not wrong, and certainly not equal to pressuring someone into sex.

Something being a lesser offence than something else truly horrendous does not make it okay.

Not what I said at all. But so we're clear here, rape is a horrendous crime and there is no such thing as a lessor rapist. Btw nice strawman argument there.

You are stupid and/or willfully ignorant.

If you can't attack the argument, then you have to attack the person. Great job.

But doing nothing to try and address the damage being caused by the mismatch in libidos is wrong. Think about it from the other persons perspective. You enter into a marriage with the usual expectation that sex and intimacy will occur on a reasonably frequent basis (the usual definition of sexless is less than 12 times per year). You know the whole thing about with my body I honour you/ being able to annul marriage where it's not consummated. You do your best to keep your other half happy, have kids. Then the sex which you view as a vital part of a relationship dries up. The partner does not see this as an issue, they get what they want, if you dare look disappointed you get accused of being childish and end up having crap sex. What do you do? Not the loving intermacy you crave. Have an affair with all the sneeking around and stress, leave and end up seeing your kids once a fortnight whilst paying for your ex and kids to live in the house whilst you're in a bedsit. Or should that partner reasonsbley expect the OP to seek to address this issue and both be willing to compromise. Every other option leaves the man in this case at a massive massive disadvantage making every single compromise. I really feel for the bloke here. Partnerships are about working together to solve issues not one person controlling the other to shape the relationship in a way that only suits them!

However the partner with low libido refusing to take the correct steps through counselling or medical investigations is equally wrong. The feelings of rejection through lack of intimacy that are created are equally abusive.

There's no such thing as correct steps. Someone with a low libido whether male or female is not ill - it may be normal for them. There's no such thing as normal anyway - some peoples are high some are low. Some people have high libidos when young which fall over time or with life events - stressful jobs, fatigue from childcare etc.

The idea that someone not wanting sex is being abusive is FUCKED UP in the extreme and rooted in entitlement. It maybe be upsetting if your partner doesn't want sex but it's NOT abusive. I don't know how you have the gall to make that claim other than being completely ignorant of the reality of abuse.

Thinking consent is a matter of saying 'yes' rather than 'no' justifies all manner of abusive and unpleasant behaviour.

Just to be absolutely clear... if you are having sex with someone you KNOW doesn't want to have sex with you, you are abusive. You just are.

Feel free to be sad someone doesn't want you, that's fine. But coercing them into sex and continuing to put your penis into them KNOWING they don't want it, don't kid yourself. You are abusive.

BTW under the law coercing someone into sex, by using threatening (or emotional pressure tactics) body or actual spoken language - when they've already made it clear that they don't want it, is rape.
Let's be clear on this, no person married or in a long term relationship (or short term or dating) is entitled to sex.
Doesn't bloody goddamn matter if they haven't had sex in a year - they're still not entitled to expect their partner to lie back and think of England.
A healthy non abusive relationship is one where partners communicate. An abusive relationship is one where one dominant partners expectations are met at the expense of the other partners emotional /psychological /physical well being.

I used to with my XP. Note the ex. This was one of the big reasons I left him in the end.

Holdger those are fair enough points actually, I don’t think he was stripping like a child but his face of rejection yet again could have looked the same.

Ok, it is possible to abuse your partner by refusing sex. There are people who like to manipulate and control their partners in this way; there are those who enjoy hurting a partner by saying 'You are too fat/ugly/old for me to be attracted to you', there are those with toxic superstitious backgrounds who not only think that sex (other than for procreation) is wrong but who get their kicks from shaming and abusing a partner who expresses any sexual desire.
There are also people who don't have much of a libido and are basically lazy and selfish along with that - as long as the partner is there (either to do the domestic work, bring in the money or provide an appearance of Happily Married Normal Person) it doesn't matter if the partner is utterly miserable.

None of these things apply to OP.

She withholds any affection and I completely understand why. But I know more than her partner does so he won’t be seeing it the way we are.