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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that DH doesn't care about my well-being?

233 replies

BeauMirchoff · 07/10/2017 21:35

A bit of background.
I work Monday to Friday. I get up at 5.30 so that I can be at work at 7.30 (I'm a teacher). I then pick up DC from the childminder at 5pm. Go home, dinner, showers, bed, laundry etc. And then I sit down to do some lesson planning and marking and go to bed around midnight. I am knackered.
DH works five days - three in the week and on the weekend. Usually 12-10pm or 3-11.30 shifts.
DH's days off are therefore in the week when DS1 is at school and DS2 is with the childminder.
DS2 is 2. I could count on the palm of one hand how many times DH has got up with him and let me have a lie in in the past two years. Since he is working 3-11.30 this weekend, I said to him earlier in the week that I wanted to have a lie in on either Saturday or Sunday. We decided it would be Saturday (today).
He got home at 11 last night and stayed up 'chilling' until 2.30am. So guess who was up with the kids this morning? DH got up at 11am. But I thought - ok, tomorrow then. He's at work, I just got off the phone with him and he was annoyed when I told him that he should go to bed as soon as he can because he's getting up with DS2 tomorrow (at around 8am). He said to me that I got to have a nap this afternoon whilst he was at work (I was knackered so I slept when DS2 slept). I said to him, I never get a lie in. I also never get any time to myself. None at all. My days off are at the weekend so I'm with the kids all day whilst his days off are during the week and he gets to do whatever he wants between the hours of 9 and 3.
I'm sat here thinking that he doesn't give two shits about my well-being. What's important is that he gets to 'chill' after work and then sleep in as long as he wants. I'm so upset. AIBU to think he doesn't care about me?

OP posts:
TheSparrowhawk · 07/10/2017 21:39

YANBU. If you divorce he'll have to provide sole care for some of the week. Tell him to fuck off.

paia · 07/10/2017 21:42

YANBU, that sounds exhausting for you and he's being very selfish.

LostSight · 07/10/2017 21:42

Are DH’s days off during the week fixed or do they vary. I was wondering why DS was at the childminder if DH is home?

MajesticWhine · 07/10/2017 21:44

YANBU - you asked for one lie in. It's not too much to ask. Your routine sounds exhausting and he sounds like a selfish arse.

Pollydonia · 07/10/2017 21:47

He sounds like a selfish shit to me.

C0untDucku1a · 07/10/2017 21:49

Youre right he doesnt give a shit. Why rhe fuck are you paying for a childminder on his day off?! Would you send your child to a childminder on sunday? No. Of course not.

Ask yourself, and then him, why that is.

Shit husband and father it seems.

friendlessme · 07/10/2017 21:54

I agree if he has fixed days off he should be looking after his child. Friends of mine whose DH are off in the week do childcare. He is 50% their parent and needs to do more. He sounds selfish to me, and no doesn’t seem to care about your wellbeing. Sorry.

Ploppie4 · 07/10/2017 21:57

Completely selfish man. Sit down together and seperatly tot up how many hours you each have alone, working and doing childcare. Talk about how you’re goibg to make it fairer. Consider dropping to a four day week or getting childcare at the weekend if he refuses to be a parent

MajesticWhine · 07/10/2017 21:58

Thing is, him doing childcare on his day off isn't going to help the OP, he will feel even more entitled to his rests at the weekend. I would stick with the childminder and insist he pulls his weight on weekend mornings, when it would actually be helpful and give you a break.

Ploppie4 · 07/10/2017 21:59

Stop paying for the childminder on one of his days off. Start employing a childminder for one of the days at the weekend.

TammySwansonTwo · 07/10/2017 21:59

Why is childcare being provided on his day off and not yours? That's out of order, and he needs to do more. I have 13 month old twins and a very part time job and am absolutely exhausted. My husband and I try to give each other lie in depending on who was up more in the night.

DeadGood · 07/10/2017 22:00

Yup, he's a dick. Unfortunately I think that a lot of men can be like this - not through malice, really, but thoughtlessness. It doesn't occur to them that their actions have consequences.

Your routine sounds impossible. If I were you I would be imposing a lie-in on one, if not both, weekend days, every week. Why should it be a once-in-a-while treat? If it's set in stone, he will be less likely to forget.

The fact that this situation has gone on for so long means from your point of view, you really deserve it (which you do) and you are crushed when he doesn't realise the importance of this one lie-in.

From his point of view, everything has been trundling along fine so far, so it's no big deal if he slept in like he usually does.

Talk it out, spell out the new rule, make an agreement, and then everything is clear for him and you have no need to feel resentful.

Babyroobs · 07/10/2017 22:01

Why on earth are you paying for a childminder on his days off?

Ansumpasty · 07/10/2017 22:04

YANBU, I got tired just reading what you do in a day.
You need to lay it down firmly that you need a lie in on either of the weekend days and stick to it. Don't get out of bed. He's getting away with it because he thinks you will get up anyway. Whisper to your kids to wake him up and pretend to be asleep, that's what I do Grin

honeylulu · 07/10/2017 22:06

Book into a hotel on your deemed lie in day. Arrive home just before he has to leave for work. You'll probably only have to do it once and it's probably cheaper than trying too persuade a child minder to work over a weekend, believe me I've tried.

Original poster
BeauMirchoff · 07/10/2017 22:08

Thank you for your replies so far.
DS2 is with the childminder because DH's days off aren't fixed. He could ask for them to be fixed and he could look after DS2 at home but then all he would talk about is how EXHAUSTED he is. He already talks about how tired he is all the time even though he gets much more sleep and time to himself than I do. He told me he doesn't sleep on his days off. But that's HIS choice. He CAN MAKE that choice. And he chooses to waste his time on playstation. He says he cleans on his days off - no he fucking doesn't. He may wash up and that takes max. 30mins.
I am honestly considering leaving him. He just doesn't care about me.

OP posts:
Original poster
BeauMirchoff · 07/10/2017 22:10

Oh and he also says to me: you chose to be a teacher, so deal with it.

OP posts:
Pollydonia · 07/10/2017 22:12

You need something to change op, or your going to burn out. Flowers

MsJolly · 07/10/2017 22:13

Leave him and then the times when he has access at least you will get a break. You need to sit down and have a serious conversation with him and tell him that you are so exhausted and feel as if he doesn't care and that you are contemplating a divorce if he doesn't start supporting you and his family more. He is a selfish arse.

Pumpkintopf · 07/10/2017 22:13

He sounds very selfish, inconsiderate and unkind. Sorry to hear about it op.

MistressDeeCee · 07/10/2017 22:15

My days off are at the weekend so I'm with the kids all day whilst his days off are during the week and he gets to do whatever he wants between the hours of 9 and 3

He's cheeky and selfish. You are both parents, it should be teamwork. You need to cut at least 1 day from the childminder now. However I bet he will go through the roof if you do. & that doesnt bode well

Aside from that - you are doing too much. I don't care how important it is - this one life is not to run yourself ragged, you will be on burnout soon then no good to yourself or anyone else.

Even your post is tiring, yet your husband is in competitive-tiredness mode with you. He is ridiculous

Agree with pp's saying don't get out of bed on a Saturday morning. Or do the hotel thing. Sadly it won't change his selfishness though

Original poster
BeauMirchoff · 07/10/2017 22:15

Thank you all so much. I thought I was demanding too much. I'm so so upset. I should be planning my lessons for the next week but I'm sat here, sobbing. I know that if I mention anything to him, it'll turn into an argument or he'll throw a strop and make me feel bad.

OP posts:
DeadGood · 07/10/2017 22:20

"he also says to me: you chose to be a teacher, so deal with it."

Oh...wow. I take it back. He is simply a prick.

I know it's not really this simple, but yes if I were you I'd be seriously considering leaving him.

Voice0fReason · 07/10/2017 22:20

No! It's just not ok. He's being lazy and inconsiderate.
He needs to pull his finger out and be a parent.

MsJolly · 07/10/2017 22:21

If you can't even talk to him about it, you've got to see that's not right? You haven't a partnership here. Time to tell him to sort himself out or fuck off the lazy parasite.

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