To think that DH doesn't care about my well-being?

[BeauMirchoff]

A bit of background.
I work Monday to Friday. I get up at 5.30 so that I can be at work at 7.30 (I'm a teacher). I then pick up DC from the childminder at 5pm. Go home, dinner, showers, bed, laundry etc. And then I sit down to do some lesson planning and marking and go to bed around midnight. I am knackered.
DH works five days - three in the week and on the weekend. Usually 12-10pm or 3-11.30 shifts.
DH's days off are therefore in the week when DS1 is at school and DS2 is with the childminder.
DS2 is 2. I could count on the palm of one hand how many times DH has got up with him and let me have a lie in in the past two years. Since he is working 3-11.30 this weekend, I said to him earlier in the week that I wanted to have a lie in on either Saturday or Sunday. We decided it would be Saturday (today).
He got home at 11 last night and stayed up 'chilling' until 2.30am. So guess who was up with the kids this morning? DH got up at 11am. But I thought - ok, tomorrow then. He's at work, I just got off the phone with him and he was annoyed when I told him that he should go to bed as soon as he can because he's getting up with DS2 tomorrow (at around 8am). He said to me that I got to have a nap this afternoon whilst he was at work (I was knackered so I slept when DS2 slept). I said to him, I never get a lie in. I also never get any time to myself. None at all. My days off are at the weekend so I'm with the kids all day whilst his days off are during the week and he gets to do whatever he wants between the hours of 9 and 3.
I'm sat here thinking that he doesn't give two shits about my well-being. What's important is that he gets to 'chill' after work and then sleep in as long as he wants. I'm so upset. AIBU to think he doesn't care about me?

It's often said on here that a man who accuses you of cheating is probably doing it himself - who did he spend his 10 week holiday with? Though frankly that's the least of your worries.

@bitofanamechange good to see you posting and that things are calmer. You will be an inspiration for others who come after you. I remember how hard it was for you and what a lazy entitled twat your ex was.

Reading this has made me so angry at this pathetic excuse of a man. You deserve better, Beau. Please believe that.

Yanbu. My xp was like this. He wouldn't deal with the dc's on his working days or days off and never once got up in the night. I've done it on my own for nine years now (he doesn't see them but pays maintenance) but it's better than dealing with xp.

This is a country mile away from normal. It's actually quite common.

Common and normal are not the same thing, Elendon.

It may be common, it may even be normal - all sorts of shit has been normal throughout history, right? But it's not acceptable.

I didn't say they were the same thing.

I do agree it is not acceptable.

Thank you all for your advice.
I might actually tell him I will file for divorce if things don't change and see what happens. However, I do wonder, what's the point? You can't MAKE anyone care about you. And that's what upsets me the most. If he loves me, it should just come naturally, right..?
And to the posters who mentioned ways to reduce the workload, I would be ever so grateful if you could pm me. I'll try anything.

what's the point? You can't MAKE anyone care about you. And that's what upsets me the most. If he loves me, it should just come naturally, right..?

yes yes yes

Perhaps just tell him bluntly - what do you think will happen if I have a breakdown? You will have to do everything.

I am heading that way on your days off you need to do x y z because I don't get any child free time off to do anything.

Write out a list of stuff for him to do on those 2 things that will help the most. Any complaints/arguing back ask him to say when your child free leisure time is apart from the x hours per night when you are asleep.

Actually what about a part time nanny or nanny share?

You can't make someone care. I do think it's possible to make someone who's just lazy because they can be, to pull their head out of their arse, if the other option is divorce.

But if you give him an ultimatum, you must genuinely mean it and be at the end of tether.

Don't write him a list of things to do. Please do not take up this advice.
You have enough on your plates as it is. He's an adult human with children and he can write that list himself.

Contact the HOY and let them know the problems you are currently experiencing at home. They will help.

I might actually tell him I will file for divorce if things don't change and see what happens.

You know what will happen. It will be a repeat of what happened when you split up last time - he'll promise to anything and everything to make it work, so will you, and only you will keep the promise.

He's got a cushy life and he knows how to manipulate you so that he gets to keep it that way.

Don't tell him you'll file for divorce if things don't change. Just tell him you're filing for divorce. No ifs. And mean it.

"I might actually tell him I will file for divorce if things don't change and see what happens.

No, don't do this.

He will NEVER change.

Get your plans together, prepare to move money from any shared accounts (do so in advance of you think you can do it without him noticing), get all paperwork together, and prepare yourself and the kids.

Then present it as a fait accompli, next time the stupid prick walks out on you.

Don't warn him of your plans. Don't allow him time to prepare. And don't give him an extra month where he pretends to be "reformed", only to slip back into his old habits.

It's over.

My only reason for writing a list is because

1. Needs to be stuff that will help OP the most
2. It will need to be a very long list - he has plenty of time after all
3. He won't discuss any of it
4. It's short term as the relationship is over but right now she needs practical help urgently

I have a fully functioning DH who gets on and parents and does domesticity. This H will do a couple of things and claim he's done his share!!

he'll promise to anything and everything to make it work - interesting you mention that. OP doesn't say that the DH promised much to make it work last time. It seems it was only her who promised to behave and not to trouble him with housework any more..

Sorry this is so obvious, but when you last split it was because he didn't not love or support you, so he went off & left you to hold the proverbial babies, then failed to visit, or step up or help. But this wasn't just you he wasn't bothered about, it was his DC also.
But then you took him back. because he said he would try harder. Nothing changed.
This is the typical "cycle of abuse".
I hope the house is in both names, just tell him at least without him at all, there will be less clothing to wash, fewer mouths to feed. & no-one taking the piss.
Please get shot of this abusive pig.

I wish 12 years ago I had read and heeded what DeadGood just posted. 17.48mins 08/10/17.

This.

Definitely showing a few red flags and can also see the cycle of abuse. Op he doesn't have to be violent to be abusive. The mental, emotional and financial abuse is enough to wear anyone down.

If you can look up the book, the freedom project.

Katharina

The OP wrote A few months ago We separated for about 10 weeks but then got back together promising we'd do anything to make things work. (her capital on We, not me trying to emphasise) so I took that to mean he did too.

Beau it's true you can't make anyone want / love/ care about you. If nothing changed after the 10 weeks apart despite his lies to do whatever was needed what will be different if you say you want a divorce?

Be careful saying it unless you mean it as he may call your bluff. Would think it makes better sense to look at your options, get legal advice, speak to family and friends, look at savings, go to counselling and get all your ducks in a row before saying anything about divorce.

You will get there. Just try and believe that you deserve better

Thank you Elendon - are you out of that relationship now?