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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think that DH doesn't care about my well-being?

233 replies

BeauMirchoff · 07/10/2017 21:35

A bit of background.
I work Monday to Friday. I get up at 5.30 so that I can be at work at 7.30 (I'm a teacher). I then pick up DC from the childminder at 5pm. Go home, dinner, showers, bed, laundry etc. And then I sit down to do some lesson planning and marking and go to bed around midnight. I am knackered.
DH works five days - three in the week and on the weekend. Usually 12-10pm or 3-11.30 shifts.
DH's days off are therefore in the week when DS1 is at school and DS2 is with the childminder.
DS2 is 2. I could count on the palm of one hand how many times DH has got up with him and let me have a lie in in the past two years. Since he is working 3-11.30 this weekend, I said to him earlier in the week that I wanted to have a lie in on either Saturday or Sunday. We decided it would be Saturday (today).
He got home at 11 last night and stayed up 'chilling' until 2.30am. So guess who was up with the kids this morning? DH got up at 11am. But I thought - ok, tomorrow then. He's at work, I just got off the phone with him and he was annoyed when I told him that he should go to bed as soon as he can because he's getting up with DS2 tomorrow (at around 8am). He said to me that I got to have a nap this afternoon whilst he was at work (I was knackered so I slept when DS2 slept). I said to him, I never get a lie in. I also never get any time to myself. None at all. My days off are at the weekend so I'm with the kids all day whilst his days off are during the week and he gets to do whatever he wants between the hours of 9 and 3.
I'm sat here thinking that he doesn't give two shits about my well-being. What's important is that he gets to 'chill' after work and then sleep in as long as he wants. I'm so upset. AIBU to think he doesn't care about me?

OP posts:
Gillian1980 · 07/10/2017 22:21

Yanbu. He is selfish.
When you have a partner and children it's simply not acceptable to be self-centred!

You're not asking for much, a bit of respect and time for yourself. You shouldn't have to ask for either.

SonicBoomBoom · 07/10/2017 22:26

He's selfish and it's not fair.

But you've let him get away with this and now it's an established arrangement.

Original poster
BeauMirchoff · 07/10/2017 22:27

What hurts the most is that he sees me at my desk, every night, working until ridiculous o'clock. The other night he said to me: 'I made DS2 lunch for tomorrow (stuck it in the oven and took it out 20minutes later) so you just have to wash his lunchbox and pack it.' My immediate thought was WHY THE FUCK CAN'T YOU DO IT? It was late and I was still working and he was playing call of duty...

OP posts:
SonicBoomBoom · 07/10/2017 22:29

My immediate thought was WHY THE FUCK CAN'T YOU DO IT? It was late and I was still working and he was playing call of duty...

But why didn't you SAY it, rather than just think it?

You've been a bit of a mug.

NoSquirrels · 07/10/2017 22:31

I know that if I mention anything to him, it'll turn into an argument or he'll throw a strop and make me feel bad.

And it works, doesn't it? He gets an easy life and has stopped you even asking, by acting like a stroppy teenager who's doing you a favour with the crumbs from his table.

Butterymuffin · 07/10/2017 22:32

Take one of the wires or bits out of the playstation in the meantime while you're making plans to leave.

MistressDeeCee · 07/10/2017 22:34

Let him throw a strop then. & don't feel bad. You are sobbing - because he doesn't feel bad that you are doing too much. He can SEE you are doing too much. But doesn't care enough to help.

I don't see how you can carry on. Fuck it, don't get out of bed on Saturday morning. Bloody ridiculous having a man yet having to do so much

retreatwhispering · 07/10/2017 22:34

Sell the playstation. Use the money to pay a childminder for time off next weekend.
Flowers

Original poster
BeauMirchoff · 07/10/2017 22:35

@SonicBoomBoom I did say it. I said, you can see I'm still working, can you not to do it? His response was: why are you making an issue out of it?!

OP posts:
SheRaaarghPrincessOfPower · 07/10/2017 22:37

Please leave this selfish fucker.

MyBrilliantDisguise · 07/10/2017 22:38

Get rid of him. He's not part of the team, otherwise he'd ask for fixed hours and take care of his own child. He's completely selfish. It's hard enough teaching and coping with small children without someone behaving like he does.

Seriously, your life would be better if you didn't have him in it.

smileygrapefruit · 07/10/2017 22:38

Chef?
Shit, unsociable hours and even shitter when you have dc and work every weekend. But guess what... You make it work!
My dh is a chef and before dc would stay up for hours after work and get up late. Now he gets up when they do and does all night wakings (with the eldest 2)... every single day at the moment so I can sleep as much as poss with newborn. He does breakfast and takes them to the childminder, always cooks on his days off, sometimes on a morning he'll whip up a lasagne or something for me to bung in the oven, he does all the washing up and laundry. Basically he knows he has to pull his weight despite working funny/long hours and more importantly he wants to spend as much time as possible with the kids.
I don't know what to suggest but he is not being fair and I hope you sort it out Flowers

Didiusfalco · 07/10/2017 22:38

Oh he sounds horrid, and you're dead right in thinking he doesn't give a shit.

KarlosKKrinkelbeim · 07/10/2017 22:38

your schedule sounds utterly exhausting I feel for you. Perhaps if he isn't able to support you in keeping it going he should also be required to forgo the benefits i.e. He sees none of your money.

nutbrownhare15 · 07/10/2017 22:40

If I were you I would say to him, if we got divorced, I'd get two lie ins every other weekend. It's looking quite attractive as an option at the moment. And see what he says. Oh, and send him this article, and highlight the following:
When you choose to love someone, it becomes your pleasure to do things that enhance their lives and bring you closer together, rather than a chore.

It’s not: Sonofabitch, I have to do this bullshit thing for my wife again. It’s: I’m grateful for another opportunity to demonstrate to my wife that she comes first and that I can be counted on to be there for her, and needn’t look elsewhere for happiness and fulfillment.

mustbethistalltoride.com/2016/01/14/she-divorced-me-because-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink/

Original poster
BeauMirchoff · 07/10/2017 22:40

I have been a mug, yes. I know that.

OP posts:
MistressDeeCee · 07/10/2017 22:41

His response was: why are you making an issue out of it?!

^ sidestepping, cheeky fucker personified

FizzyGreenWater · 07/10/2017 22:41

Leave leave leave.

Will be the biggest shock of his pampered selfish little life.

quercuscircus · 07/10/2017 22:41

Sad so sad for you BeauMirchoff he sounds really awful and cruel. He is supposed to be your team mate but instead he is an anchor and revelling in it. I'm not surprised you want to leave him.

Perhaps when you've had a good cry and have a moment to yoursefl (??!!) its time to start working out what your finances and housing situation would be if you were to go it alone. I'm sure you feel mentally and physically better without him being an unforgiveable arse to you Flowers

peanut2017 · 07/10/2017 22:42

He sounds like a waste of space! You are working your arse off and he clearly doesn't see you both as a team or gives a shit about your needs or well being.

He needs a wake up call pronto and you need to start putting yourself higher up the pecking order. Selfish twat

Ellie56 · 07/10/2017 22:42

Your so called "D"H is a useless twat. You would be better off without him.

I've worked in education and I know teaching is hard work. I don't know how anyone teaches full time when they have a family. Teaching full time with a family and a useless twat doesn't bear thinking about.

Ellie56 · 07/10/2017 22:42

Get rid.

Cakesprinkles · 07/10/2017 22:43

He's being a prick.

I'm a teacher, with a long commute, my DH works shifts, with irregular days off, so when DS was at nursery we still had fixed days, and so DH would have days off to himself. He still gets days off now whilst DS is at school full time. The difference is that he does the vast majority of the household stuff when he's off. Collects DS from school, sorts out homework/uniform etc/does all the cooking and tidying in the house. We have a cleaner which helps as we both hate cleaning but in term time he more than pulls his weight. In the school holidays I step up and do more as my mental load is so much less in the holidays. You are not being unreasonable. He is being selfish and unkind.

gandalf456 · 07/10/2017 22:43

His attitude isn't very nice from the things he says - you could say he chose his job. It works both ways if he wants to put it like that. I am hoping this is heat of the moment stuff he doesn't mean

Saying that, I have some sympathy for his work patterns. I work shifts and find my sleep is all over over the place and am frequently exhausted. When I come in at midnight, I find it hard to wind down and can't go straight to bed and I find it incredibly difficult to get up. The school days go very quickly, too, and home admin and chores take up half the day when I am on a late. Don't underestimate how long it all takes. I have frequent discussions with my DH about it .I also find I have to incorporate some rest time in if I'm on another late or I die on my feet as it's a physical job.

My kids aren't babies, though, and I would see to them in the night if they needed me and DH were up early, which he is. He does moan about his me time and he has a point but he is his own worst enemy because he takes all the overtime and doesn't use his holiday

As for teaching, I know a few teachers and all of them who are parents are exhausted. It's a myth that it ties in with family life.

Is there any way either of you can scale down your hours? It doesnt seem sustainable as it is. I know a couple who dropped a day and were far happier.

Approach this in a problem solving way. At the moment, you are both getting angry and defensive and so it's a stalemate. Even if he did everything house and kids, you would still have a load of marking to do

SusanTheGentle · 07/10/2017 22:45

Are you the bigger earner here as well? I'm just guessing, obviously may well be wrong, but generally shift work is not as well paid as a steady job like teaching (much as teachers ought to be paid WAY more).

Either way he's a selfish bastard but if you are bringing in more* and he's not picking up half that's just salt in the wound.

I honestly don't think the amount each partner earns should come into it; work is important for everyone - but two full time workers should be doing 50/50 of all the non-earning jobs like childcare. Two full time workers, and the higher earner is doing more because she's a woman - that's some extra bullshit.

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