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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that DH doesn't care about my well-being?

233 replies

BeauMirchoff · 07/10/2017 21:35

A bit of background.
I work Monday to Friday. I get up at 5.30 so that I can be at work at 7.30 (I'm a teacher). I then pick up DC from the childminder at 5pm. Go home, dinner, showers, bed, laundry etc. And then I sit down to do some lesson planning and marking and go to bed around midnight. I am knackered.
DH works five days - three in the week and on the weekend. Usually 12-10pm or 3-11.30 shifts.
DH's days off are therefore in the week when DS1 is at school and DS2 is with the childminder.
DS2 is 2. I could count on the palm of one hand how many times DH has got up with him and let me have a lie in in the past two years. Since he is working 3-11.30 this weekend, I said to him earlier in the week that I wanted to have a lie in on either Saturday or Sunday. We decided it would be Saturday (today).
He got home at 11 last night and stayed up 'chilling' until 2.30am. So guess who was up with the kids this morning? DH got up at 11am. But I thought - ok, tomorrow then. He's at work, I just got off the phone with him and he was annoyed when I told him that he should go to bed as soon as he can because he's getting up with DS2 tomorrow (at around 8am). He said to me that I got to have a nap this afternoon whilst he was at work (I was knackered so I slept when DS2 slept). I said to him, I never get a lie in. I also never get any time to myself. None at all. My days off are at the weekend so I'm with the kids all day whilst his days off are during the week and he gets to do whatever he wants between the hours of 9 and 3.
I'm sat here thinking that he doesn't give two shits about my well-being. What's important is that he gets to 'chill' after work and then sleep in as long as he wants. I'm so upset. AIBU to think he doesn't care about me?

OP posts:
deepestdarkestperu · 07/10/2017 22:46

Sounds like you'd be better off without him, tbh.

What does he actually contribute to family life? All he seems to do is sleep until 11am, go to work, and play video games half the night.

I would be insisting he got set days off in the week, and then he could save you a fortune in childcare by looking after his own children. You could then alternate lie-ins at the weekend as he works lates.

What a cheeky bugger - he certainly has things just the way he wants them, doesn't he?!

nicenewdusters · 07/10/2017 22:48

From what you've said OP he knows exactly what he should be doing. He knows that he's not doing it, and that you're upset.

He's very cleverly engineered your relationship so that you won't raise issues with him. He'll go off in a strop, turn it round, blame you, etc, etc. So, he's got what he wants. You work yourself into the ground. He gets to play at being a parent and acting like a teenager on his playstation with the curtains drawn.

He's not in charge. I'd tell him straight how you feel, and that if things don't change you'd rather be without him. Don't worry about his reaction, he's not worrying about you. He's a lazy, selfish, mean man child - why would you be intimidated by that?

IvorHughJarrs · 07/10/2017 22:48

His attitude is wrong but do you need to look at your working? Is it reasonable to work from from 7.30am to 5pm and then still have more to do in evenings? Are you working efficiently? Teachers I know work bloody hard and do a great job but they don't work anywhere near those hours

Original poster
BeauMirchoff · 07/10/2017 22:48

I care so much about him I told him not to bother with housework on his days off. I guess I've been doing this to preserve the peace. A few months ago We separated for about 10 weeks but then got back together promising we'd do anything to make things work. And I honestly have done everything. I don't 'nag' and I don't ask for much. Because he'll just pack his bags and leave me overnight, like he did before.
He's incredibly manipulative and always twists things to make me look like an unreasonable, demanding cow.
I am so unhappy, please help me Sad

OP posts:
BurberryBlue · 07/10/2017 22:50

You need a cattle prod,what an odious man.Tell him to sort himself out or you will leave.OP you are doing most of this alone you may as well be separated!Explain that you are consulting with a solicitor and watch his backside levitate from sofa instantly.

RandomMess · 07/10/2017 22:51

Just end it now because the resentment will eat you up otherwise. Actually it may be wise to insist he gets fixed weekday shifts first... you know ready for him having them 2 days per week.

C0untDucku1a · 07/10/2017 22:51

Ok op you want to leave him anyway. Do so knowing youre right and he is a useless, selfish asshat. If he can fix his day but chooses not to so he can play games and nit parent he is simply a cock.

KarlosKKrinkelbeim · 07/10/2017 22:52

Oh dear you sound sad. But objectively you seem to be in a situation where he will only play ball if allowed to be a total fucking parasite. Let him find another host!

deepestdarkestperu · 07/10/2017 22:53

Tell him to fuck off. Let him leave, then tell him he’s not welcome back and you’re filing for divorce.

He sounds horrendous. Please don’t waste any more of your life pussyfooting around this total waste of space.

BurberryBlue · 07/10/2017 22:54

OP you need to toughen up.He knows you are weak,channel your inner bitch.What does he do on his days off?Probably slob about and watch porn.Show him photos of vacuum cleaner,washing machine and dishwasher.

Trust me dear.Ive been married for 20 years I am captain of the ship,DH is a wonderful man but needed guidance along the way.Sometimes one has to be tough,men are naturally inclined to slobbishness.

C0untDucku1a · 07/10/2017 22:57

O blue. op deserves better than a controlling man who walks out when he is expected to parent. He is not a dog to train, or a child to parent.

Original poster
BeauMirchoff · 07/10/2017 22:58

@IvorHughJarrs
I leave work at 4-4.30 and it takes me about an hour to get to the childminder's to pick up my kids. Home at 5.30, dinner, some time with the DC, bathtime and then housework, laundry, uniform and all other stuff. I sit down to do school work at around 9. But because by then I'm already so tired, I can't think straight and everything takes me ages. Plus I'm quite new to the profession - it's my second year.

OP posts:
AnnieAnoniMouse · 07/10/2017 22:58

I think you'd be better off if you left him. You're doing everything now, but with an irritating fucker who should be doing his share simply winding you up. It's easier entirely on your own.

On another point - as a society we have to find a way forward to give our teachers their lives back. It's bloody ridiculous the hours good teachers have to put in to try to keep on top of everything, It's sad, but it's no wonder teachers are leaving in droves.

headintheproverbial · 07/10/2017 22:58

I just don't understand how you've let it get to this stage!! If you'd agreed, for example, that you'd have a lie in today WHY did you get up with the kids? If he wasn't awake, just wake him up!

JaneEyre70 · 07/10/2017 23:00

His behaviour is appalling OP, but he's only behaving like this because he is able to. You've allowed him to step back from being a parent, and he's another child with his toys. Only you can decide if he stands a prayer of being able to change, or you accept you found a dud and move on. You're going to end up in a crumpled heap one of these days and he'll just step over you. He doesn't give a shit, because for him life is all rosey and happy. If your life is crap, only you can make it better Flowers.

mrsjezzabell · 07/10/2017 23:01

This is my situation too. My DH works shifts and gets days off during the week to himself, and lies in to about 11am even when he's not working. He does zero parenting and I never get 5 min to myself. He also gets to train every day, cycles and does triathlons and is this weekend away with his work colleagues for a leaving do. When I bring it up he responds defensively with 'I work hard'. As Random said, the resentment has eaten away at me and I am beginning to think if we divorced at least I would get every other weekend to myself. So no advice really but I know how you feel!

Original poster
BeauMirchoff · 07/10/2017 23:02

@headintheproverbial I did it once. I woke him up and told him to get up because I was on my period and in so much pain I REALLY needed to stay in bed. He made me feel so bad and it was one of the worst arguments we ever had.
Gosh...I need to leave him.

OP posts:
PickAChew · 07/10/2017 23:05

His attitude to your job really does illustrate what a selfish dick he is :(

Original poster
BeauMirchoff · 07/10/2017 23:06

@mrsjezzabell I'm very sorry to hear this. It's shit...

OP posts:
AnnieAnoniMouse · 07/10/2017 23:07

I cross posted with your post about separating before.

It's hell on earth living with someone you are worried is just going to walk out. I wish MN had been around when I was doing that, I wouldn't do it these days. It's soul destroying.

He doesn't appreciate you. He doesn't care about you. He might love you, but not enough - not how much you deserve to be loved & cared about.

I can see why he wanted to get back together, I can see why he's rubbing his hands with glee - he's got it even better now! My question is why did you get back with him. He's a cocklodger who doesn't deserve you.

nutbrownhare15 · 07/10/2017 23:07

Adult sleep cycles are 90 minutes, so if you are working late and up at 5.30, try to ensure you are asleep by 11.30 so you can get 4 full cycles in. This will help you feel much better in the short term. (And long term I think we all know you will feel much better if you LTB). Hugs.

Original poster
BeauMirchoff · 07/10/2017 23:09

@nutbrownhare15
Ah thank you for this advice! I'll try my best 😓

OP posts:
rowtheboats · 07/10/2017 23:09

A grown man and a father dedicating more time to the playstation than his family??! I'm sorry but that is just wrong, immature, and extremely unattractive...if I were you I would get the playstation and go and give it to the local charity shop.

PickAChew · 07/10/2017 23:09

And yes, you really do need to leave him. If you;re doing it all, anyway, better to do it all for just you and the kids. Plus every other weekend off whoop de doo. Would force him to ot be quite such a lazy arse though.

Ooogetyooo · 07/10/2017 23:10

Beau- soon be half term. Use it wisely to go see a solicitor and make firm plans to leave him. Do you have somewhere you can go? Is there anyone in RL that can support you. This sounds exhausting. You simply can't carry on like this.

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