To think that DH doesn't care about my well-being?

[BeauMirchoff]

A bit of background.
I work Monday to Friday. I get up at 5.30 so that I can be at work at 7.30 (I'm a teacher). I then pick up DC from the childminder at 5pm. Go home, dinner, showers, bed, laundry etc. And then I sit down to do some lesson planning and marking and go to bed around midnight. I am knackered.
DH works five days - three in the week and on the weekend. Usually 12-10pm or 3-11.30 shifts.
DH's days off are therefore in the week when DS1 is at school and DS2 is with the childminder.
DS2 is 2. I could count on the palm of one hand how many times DH has got up with him and let me have a lie in in the past two years. Since he is working 3-11.30 this weekend, I said to him earlier in the week that I wanted to have a lie in on either Saturday or Sunday. We decided it would be Saturday (today).
He got home at 11 last night and stayed up 'chilling' until 2.30am. So guess who was up with the kids this morning? DH got up at 11am. But I thought - ok, tomorrow then. He's at work, I just got off the phone with him and he was annoyed when I told him that he should go to bed as soon as he can because he's getting up with DS2 tomorrow (at around 8am). He said to me that I got to have a nap this afternoon whilst he was at work (I was knackered so I slept when DS2 slept). I said to him, I never get a lie in. I also never get any time to myself. None at all. My days off are at the weekend so I'm with the kids all day whilst his days off are during the week and he gets to do whatever he wants between the hours of 9 and 3.
I'm sat here thinking that he doesn't give two shits about my well-being. What's important is that he gets to 'chill' after work and then sleep in as long as he wants. I'm so upset. AIBU to think he doesn't care about me?

I've been up for an hour already. He got home at 2.30 last night. I knew this would happen - that's WHY I asked for Saturday.
I've been thinking about what he brings into my life and to be fair, he's not even that nice to me. I can't have a conversation with him without him calling it an argument and shutting it down or kicking off. I guess the only reason why I'm sticking around is because I can't imagine my life without him... it's utterly ridiculous, I know. I love the man who he used to be before we had kids. The one who cared and didn't take me for granted.

If you are practically planning leaving him could you job share part time and rely on tax credits? Might be worth seeing CAB

I could never treat a partner that I loved and cared for the way your partner treats you.

He obviously knows what he is doing. I would start 'nagging' again so that he packs his bags and leaves. It's entirely up to him if he wishes to see his children.

Always let the HOY know what the circumstances are at home.

How did he "go away" for 10weeks? What about work? What a lazy good for nothing wanker.

This is one of the few threads on MN that get a unanimous outcome and I agree. Chuck him out, don't ever take him back and move straight to divorce. You can then start streamlining your life and it will get easier as you won't be spending any emotional energy on him.

Honestly being a single parent is hard, I won't deny that. But, it's easier than being with someone who lets you down and makes your life harder. At least you won't be expecting anything from him.

The best example you can set for your children is being strong and independent. You're modelling relationships to them and this is such a bad example of what they should be aiming for. It is a lot less upsetting to have separate but happy parents than together but miserable. You wouldn't want your daughter to be in a relationship where she is treated like dirt. And you don't want your son to treat women how his father treats you.

Please end the relationship. For yourself and your children. Don't waste any more time being treated like a second class citizen in your own home.

Given that he does zero parenting, you're effectively a single parent anyway.

I'd tell him you're seriously thinking of splitting and would expect shared care of the DC 50/50. And mean it.

Wow. Jesus Christ OP, you have to leave him. He sounds truly awful. I'm not sure you realise how bad, but from the outside it's awful reading.

It's quite clear he is doing all of this on purpose, and thinks he is jolly clever for getting away with it.

Does he have awful friends too? I can just imagine how smug he is with his little setup. And every time you say anything, he has the convenient "don't start an argument" line ready.

Awful.

Op, I think it’s not as simple as he doesn’t care for you,, I think it’s he really doesn’t want to look after the kids or get involved in household chores. He’s clearly very selfish, immature and puts his own needs first. That’s not going to change and only you can decide if that’s who you wish to be with. If it’s not, and I don’t think it is, then leave. Don’t let him call thr shots in the relationship.

I wonder whether maybe I just lost touch with reality. I don't know what 'normal' is anymore and how other people do it...

You’ve been the frog in boiling water. I bet you wouldn’t have married him or had children with him if you had a crystal ball and could see what he’d turn into.

Tell him you want a divorce, and ask him how he would like to split child care.

You did everything to make him stay which means he can do what he wants and this is the result

This is unfair and unsustainable

I work part time, and study part time, so for me that equals a full time job. My job is also quite difficult, think social worker, but specific.
My DH works full time, in an office, doing accounts.
Admittedly, I do more housework, as I have one full day in the house a week. And I do the finances and admin then too.
On weekdays and weekends when we are either both at home or both had a full day, we share, even possibly with him doing slightly more as I frequently bring work home and he does not.
He also gets up with the children at weekends really frequently.

Marriage is meant to be a partnership. Where you support knew another, and make your lives better and more full.

He is selfish that’s true.

However your workload seems unsustainable even if you had his help. Only 5 hours sleep a night and planning and marking 4 hours a night and weekends. There is no down time at all.

What year do you teach? Is there any planning you can share?

Can you really go on like this without any health implications? No wonder so many teachers quit.

It is so hard. I know. Saying you chose to be a teacher is just down right mean and a poor excuse. Very unsupportive.

Start to get things in order.
See a lawyer. Leave him.

He's a shit. Do you share a bank account? Make sure he can't empty it or go overdrawn.

He doesn't love you and he's trampling over you.

Where did he go for 10 weeks?

@BeauMirchoff I don't have any other advice really about your husband but I'm a primary school teacher and I promise that you do get better at managing the work load. Being in the same year group for a couple of years means you can adapt planning/resources you've already done.

Someone else has suggested using TES for resources there's also primaryresources (if you're primary too, which I'm guessing you are). Do you have a year group team to share planning with? Is your school supportive? If you feel comfortable talking to someone in SLT about your work load then please do! If you don't then I'd argue you're in the wrong school.

Beau I feel for you. This is very similar to my relationship with my manipulative, emotionally abusive ex-husband. If I were you I would post a thread on the Relationships board, where posters are generally both knowledgeable and incredibly supportive. I don't think anything you do will change his behaviour. I tried for years and years and years. People who are blaming you not having boundaries etc on here don't know what living with a Narcissist is like.

My advice: take control and make a plan to leave him. You don't have to do it, but it will make you feel better. Think about how finances will work, childcare, when he can have the kids. Go and see a lawyer to check. Tell your friends/family how he is behaving to you so you can shore up support. Then give him an ultimatum - either he steps up, or he's out. You'll give him, say 2 months to prove himself. At the moment he's using the threat of leaving you to behave like an utter shit, so call his bluff.

And although you're understandably very very scared of separation, in my experience it is SO MUCH BETTER than living with an energy-draining lazy good-for-nothing arsehole. And you might go on, like I have, to meet a partner who will do the housework with you because a) he thinks its his job and b) because he loves you and wants to support you.

He went quite far away which meant he couldn't just get on the bus and come to see the kids.
It's still unforgivable. I would never be able to fuck off and not see my kids for so long.

Oh OP

This sounds horrendous.

I agree with the PP who asked why you're getting up so early and if it's to get DC ready for school and take them to a childminder on your day off then stop that now and tell him that's his responsibility. I've no idea what entails being a teacher but on his days off can he not also collect the DC from the childminder and you stay at work for a few extra hours to get your marking and planning done? You said so yourself it takes longer as you're tired after 9pm but maybe if you stayed until 6/6:30 twice a week instead of 4/4:30 you may be able to get to bed earlier some nights?

Beau you sound so sad and broken. It doesn't feel like anything is going to change with him. You separated for 10 weeks and he didn't see his children? What type of person could do that? Where was he for 10 weeks?

You are going to burn out and your mental health is going to suffer which in turn means your children will.

This cannot go on it's not sustainable the way you are working and then getting no support.

Please start thinking of you and your children and put some plans in place to free yourself from this asshole.

I qualified as a primary teacher when my DC were 1 and 3. Every school day I got up early and did everything and dropped DC off at child minder and nursery before I went to work and I picked them up again on the way home. Then I did dinner, bath, bed etc. The evenings disappeared under planning and marking, but it is a much greater workload now than it was then. I think it really changed with the introduction of interactive whiteboards and the expectation of all singing and dancing resources for every lesson.

My DC are grown up now, DD2 was 18 this week. I'm a Deputy Head in a primary school in special measures and I see how hard our teachers work. We had an Ofsted monitoring visit the week before last and DH did everything before I got home.

The difference is though that DH is not the man I was married to when I started teaching. That man did nothing to involve himself with family life and always put himself first. Even on my DD's birthday on Tuesday as we drove home from dropping her friend off she started talking about how her dad lives now and how selfish he is. She has very few memories of him in her childhood because he did little with her.

Your life can only get better without this additional stress and demand upon your time and emotions. Please don't be ashamed to ask for help at work. I would hate to think that my teachers are drowning under their workload and I could support them. It really does sound like you're better off on your own.

On your days off what do you do? Look after the DC, cook, clean.

On his days off he should be doing the same and in term time he has the time to batch cook for the rest of week and do loads of laundry.

You should have equal leisure time - time not working, looking after DC or doing domestic chores.

Sent my previous post sooner than planned as I found my baby eating sudocream

It's tough OP but a big confrontation has to happen. In your situation I'd present him with 2 options

1. you stay together: he gets the DC ready for the childminder and collects them, does evening routine and puts them to bed on his days off so you can sleep in longer before work and stay later in the evening to get your marking and planning done then. During their time at the child minder he can do what he likes but there will be a few chores involved (dinner prep, laundry, packed lunches, hoovering). You are both entitled to one proper lay in per week- yours a Saturday as a fixed day.

2. you split up: you share 50/50 custody. He needs to arrange his days with DC to be his week day days off (if he wants them at childminder that day he needs to bare the cost of that).

So if you leave him I think it's fair to say that he's not going to miraculously transform into the kind of man who will do 50/50 shared care and be a reasonable co-parent. It's much more likely he will be the other type, who sees his kids infrequently, bitches about paying child support and when he does have the kids it will be to inconvenience rather than convenience you. You will have to do everything yourself and will never get a lie-in. That all being said, you're doing that now aren't you? Plus I bet the cooking, his laundry and picking his pants up off the floor. I'm a lone parent now, with an ex who was not dissimilar to your husband. When I leave the house tidy in the morning I return to a tidy house. Laundry is reduced and don't underestimate how much cheaper your grocery bill will be without an adult male in the house. Kids get older and more independent- mine now watches Netflix for an hour on a Sunday to give me a lie in then comes to get me when she wants breakfast. It's hard OP but liberation from the resentment is a real gift.