Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that DH doesn't care about my well-being?

233 replies

BeauMirchoff · 07/10/2017 21:35

A bit of background.
I work Monday to Friday. I get up at 5.30 so that I can be at work at 7.30 (I'm a teacher). I then pick up DC from the childminder at 5pm. Go home, dinner, showers, bed, laundry etc. And then I sit down to do some lesson planning and marking and go to bed around midnight. I am knackered.
DH works five days - three in the week and on the weekend. Usually 12-10pm or 3-11.30 shifts.
DH's days off are therefore in the week when DS1 is at school and DS2 is with the childminder.
DS2 is 2. I could count on the palm of one hand how many times DH has got up with him and let me have a lie in in the past two years. Since he is working 3-11.30 this weekend, I said to him earlier in the week that I wanted to have a lie in on either Saturday or Sunday. We decided it would be Saturday (today).
He got home at 11 last night and stayed up 'chilling' until 2.30am. So guess who was up with the kids this morning? DH got up at 11am. But I thought - ok, tomorrow then. He's at work, I just got off the phone with him and he was annoyed when I told him that he should go to bed as soon as he can because he's getting up with DS2 tomorrow (at around 8am). He said to me that I got to have a nap this afternoon whilst he was at work (I was knackered so I slept when DS2 slept). I said to him, I never get a lie in. I also never get any time to myself. None at all. My days off are at the weekend so I'm with the kids all day whilst his days off are during the week and he gets to do whatever he wants between the hours of 9 and 3.
I'm sat here thinking that he doesn't give two shits about my well-being. What's important is that he gets to 'chill' after work and then sleep in as long as he wants. I'm so upset. AIBU to think he doesn't care about me?

OP posts:
Original poster
BeauMirchoff · 08/10/2017 00:33

So he's not even back yet which means I can forget about my lie in tomorrow. But that's why I asked for Saturday - he was home at 11 on Friday night so he would have had at least 8 hours of sleep.

OP posts:
SheRaaarghPrincessOfPower · 08/10/2017 00:34

I'd be tempted to lock him out. I wouldn't..probably..

Wineandrosesagain · 08/10/2017 00:35

If you really “can’t do that” to your kids, what the fuck are you doing with him??? Useless fucker.

nicenewdusters · 08/10/2017 00:50

If you can't trust him to look after his own dc for a day or two then the game's up. He really is a sorry excuse for a man and a partner.

Have your lie in tomorrow. Just don't get up. Let him moan, let him turn it round on you. Ignore him, just lie there. Then when you do get up do NOTHING for him - proper nothing. Don't even pass him something if he asks. Give him a taste of his own medicine. And yes, I'd sabotage his playstation too.

notapizzaeater · 08/10/2017 00:59

I would get everyone up including him and bugger off out for the day.

I remember saying to my dh when I was sleep deprived that I want a divorce - he could have DS one weekend day and I would get a lie in.

GrockleBocs · 08/10/2017 01:06

Don't underestimate the impact of a calm, in control parent vs two warring parents.
What will you lose if he's gone?

PoorYorick · 08/10/2017 07:13

And the point of this colossal turd is....?

AtHomeDadGlos · 08/10/2017 07:24

He sounds terrible.

I normally hate the LTB ‘advice’ on here, but in this instance he doesn’t seem worth sticking around for and making the extra effort you are.

I agree with an earlier poster who said something like ‘if you can’t trust him to look after your kids then why are you with him?’

Doublemint · 08/10/2017 07:25

LTB but have a lie in this AM first.

Dothedodah · 08/10/2017 07:28

The dynamics of your relationship are so wrong.

He’s abusive and nasty. He won’t change and you need to leave him.

OP you don’t deserve this nasty aresehole. I hope you find the strength to kick him out soon. Flowers

Waffles80 · 08/10/2017 07:30

Hi OP.

I'm a teacher too and the workload is astronomical (it doesn't remain as hard as the first few years though). What do you teach? Have you looked at Twitter and TES for resources to save you time? Is your school demanding a specific type of lesson plan (which they cannot do)? I'd be more than happy to PM you with ways of reducing workload.

That, however, will only scratch the surface though. You need to leave your husband before this situation destroys you. Your career could be a brilliant thing for your family but without the support of your partner then it'll be impossible. He sounds utterly selfish, a totally incompetent parent and husband.

Worriedaboutboy · 08/10/2017 07:31

Oh beau, just reading your posts. You sound so sad. You need to seriously consider why you're with this bloke. How old is he? How old are the kids? Teaching is hard. I'm a teacher and the work load is immense. When it gets very bad, DH takes kids out for the day on a Saturday so I can catch up. Please start getting advice on getting out of this. Let the tool leave, change the locks. You stay in the house. Do not leave the house to him.

Cakesprinkles · 08/10/2017 07:38

He is horrible to you, left for 10 weeks in the middle of the night and didn't see the kids once? Kick him out, would be easier on your own. What adult plays PlayStation when there are kids to be looked after?!

Teaching is hardcore now, the expectations are hideous and if you're recently qualified it's almost endless, but it will get better.

Bananmanfan · 08/10/2017 07:46

If you are single you can make some changes that make things easier for you; moving house or job or moving the childcare setting closer to work. I also think you should leave the dead weight you are married to. Life will be a lot easier when you are making it work for you instead of that arse.

AJPTaylor · 08/10/2017 07:49

i strongly feel that you are doing a greater diservice to your kids with him as a daily example than through splitting.

HipToBeSquare · 08/10/2017 07:51

What a horrible person. He went away for 10 weeks and didn't see his dc Hmm

You and your dc deserve much better than what this twat is 'providing' in your relationship.

I hope you've got your sleep in OP.

Tealdeal747 · 08/10/2017 07:59

He disappeared for 10 weeks

Shock
Crumbs1 · 08/10/2017 08:04

He's behaving unreasonably. If you want your marriage to survive, I suggest a frank (possibly mediated) discussion about parental responsibility. My guess is he is tired and thinks your tiredness is the same but you're doing crazy hours as a teacher.
If you can't find time to sit and talk write to him. Tell him this can't go on. Tell him you love him but need his support. Don't apportion blame but say you've got to look again at the family timetable to ensure your health.
Then why are you up at 5:30? What takes two hours to get ready? Are you a long way from school or is it to get little one ready and to childminder? If the latter, then on non work days, he should be getting little one sorted and to childminder getting you both an extra half hour in bed.

He should fix one work day to have the child one day a week and he should have responsibility (but not necessary sole care) on one day at the weekend. You then have one weekend day with overarching responsibility.
What happens during school holidays? Do you still use the childminder? If not, perhaps you should a couple of days a week - and he pays! He could save the money by having the child that one day a week he provides childcare.

Whose doing the cooking and cleaning? I'm guessing here but you need a rota. No, he's working less hours than you so he does it.
Tough love is needed, I'm afraid.

OldJoseph · 08/10/2017 08:07

Better that you take control and tell him to leave, you managed for 10 weeks before, you can manage for another 10 and another 10 and so on. When he left you presumably you were on the back foot, get onto your front foot and get organised.
Work might give you some slack if they know what you are going through.

Not seeing his kids for 10 weeks is disgusting. You all deserve better. Oh and I third messing with the PS .

KatharinaRosalie · 08/10/2017 08:15

When I started reading this thread, he sounded just lazy. But disappearing for 10 weeks and then coming back because he can now hold this over your head? And it has worked, you don't ask him to do anything any more, not even any housework when he has several child-free days?
Does he actually make your life in any way nicer and easier?

InDubiousBattle · 08/10/2017 08:24

Throw him out. And I never say that. He disappeared for 10 weeks and just waltzed back in? He thinks the can behave exactly as he wants because he can behave exactly as he wants. He will not change op.

OldJoseph · 08/10/2017 08:27

My dh also works shifts, it's a pain but I understand that you can't just go to sleep when you get in from work at 11pm. You have to wind down BUT playing computer games will not help you wind down.
My dh never gets up early at the weekends either (unless he has to work) but since I'm only part time I don't get too annoyed about it. Plus he pulls his weight when he's up.

KatharinaRosalie · 08/10/2017 08:28

I was trying to imagine myself in your DHs shoes. So I get 2 full days off per week, no children. And I do fuck all, just play on my playstation, and leave all housework for my other half to do, who has NO time off whatsoever. How??

Achoopichu · 08/10/2017 08:30

Another vote that you'd be better off without him. It would still be really hard work for you but at least you wouldn't be as resentful.

Although just be aware that he's likely to carry on being a selfish prick after. If he does choose to carry on a relationship with the kids he won't have them at weekends. My ex is a shift worker who uses that as an excuse to have no routine of access. So he sorts out HIS work, HIS hobbies, HIS shopping, HIS gym visits, HIS social life then thinks he might fancy having the kids for a night, giving me virtually no notice. So he could move on with dates etc very quickly which is impossible as the resident parent. But it also gives me the power to say no you can't have the kids on that day, which I do.

Do you have family support? Sleepover swaps with friends might give you a bit of downtime at weekend?

I still feel better off without my ex and I'm so glad of my close relationship with the kids without having an extra kid in the house

JennyOnAPlate · 08/10/2017 08:30

He’s an utter cunt op. Gather your strength (and you clearly have plenty!) take back control and kick him out.

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.