To think that DH doesn't care about my well-being?

[BeauMirchoff]

A bit of background.
I work Monday to Friday. I get up at 5.30 so that I can be at work at 7.30 (I'm a teacher). I then pick up DC from the childminder at 5pm. Go home, dinner, showers, bed, laundry etc. And then I sit down to do some lesson planning and marking and go to bed around midnight. I am knackered.
DH works five days - three in the week and on the weekend. Usually 12-10pm or 3-11.30 shifts.
DH's days off are therefore in the week when DS1 is at school and DS2 is with the childminder.
DS2 is 2. I could count on the palm of one hand how many times DH has got up with him and let me have a lie in in the past two years. Since he is working 3-11.30 this weekend, I said to him earlier in the week that I wanted to have a lie in on either Saturday or Sunday. We decided it would be Saturday (today).
He got home at 11 last night and stayed up 'chilling' until 2.30am. So guess who was up with the kids this morning? DH got up at 11am. But I thought - ok, tomorrow then. He's at work, I just got off the phone with him and he was annoyed when I told him that he should go to bed as soon as he can because he's getting up with DS2 tomorrow (at around 8am). He said to me that I got to have a nap this afternoon whilst he was at work (I was knackered so I slept when DS2 slept). I said to him, I never get a lie in. I also never get any time to myself. None at all. My days off are at the weekend so I'm with the kids all day whilst his days off are during the week and he gets to do whatever he wants between the hours of 9 and 3.
I'm sat here thinking that he doesn't give two shits about my well-being. What's important is that he gets to 'chill' after work and then sleep in as long as he wants. I'm so upset. AIBU to think he doesn't care about me?

He is breaking your spirit Beau - on purpose.

He wants you to be docile and broken and sad so he can do as he pleases and enjoy seeing you suffer and fall over yourself to please him. The only doing anything to stay together is you.

This situation will break you if it carries on, and you owe it to yourself and your kids, and your career, to get out before it gets any worse.

He is HORRIBLE and you honestly will be happier without him once the dust has settled and you are thinking clearly. No more walking on eggshells and demeaning yourself by pacifying an angry and selfish bully.

There are no redeeming features that would redeem him from this horrible behaviour :(

Please just stand up for yourself and if he wants to leave, let him otherwise you are telling him that you do not give a shit about yourself either x

He's incredibly manipulative and always twists things to make me look like an unreasonable, demanding cow.

Think about this seriously. Why would you stay with someone like that?

Are you saying that you pick up the children from the childminder on the two weekdays that he's not working?

I care so much about him I told him not to bother with housework on his days off

So on top of work and childcare, you are doing all the housework too. But you told him not to bother - and, he isn't

The fact that you could say this to him, as a busy mother and teacher, defies logic. Notwithstanding he is lazy anyway - you've actively encouraged it also. Feeling sorry for a man having to do housework?! It isn't solely a woman's role you know

I don't think there's any hope of him changing, sorry. Not now

You could abandon ship but bear in mind you can't force him to see the kids once you're separated. Doesn't sound as if he is bothering to be with them much now. So, you will be on your own. Not saying thats a reason to stay with him. Im talking about reality

Maybe you saying you will leave will wake him up.

Also I think legally you should not be the one to leave the house unless you feel at risk. Let him be the leaver. Get some legal adivce asap OP. You can recover your life and feel better

Why did you seperate for 10 weeks before - sounds like he just upped and left?

It must be horrible for you to live with the thought that he could just do it again. You must be on tenterhooks trying not to give him cause to leave again. That’s no way to live - you should get out now whilst you still have a chance of building a co-parenting relationship (if he can be bothered to get off his console to parent).

Just read your update OP. Why would you worry about him leaving you? It would be the solution.

Imagine you saying to another teacher at school, just to keep the peace: "Don't worry, I'll tidy your classroom, redo your displays, do your planning, mark your work." Really ? Of course you wouldn't. But you've effectively said this to a man who's supposed to love and care for you. A man who's had children with you. Quite frankly he doesn't deserve you, or children.

I wouldn't even bother with the conversation now. Just sort yourself out, see a solicitor, and present him with what YOU intend doing with YOUR future. Tell him not to hit his arse on the door on the way out.

He is so horrible to you. You deserve so much better. What would our advice be to your kids if they were in this position? You know you need to leave him as you’ve already said. Please do it sooner rather than later.

Because he'll just pack his bags and leave me overnight, like he did before

So? If he does then LET HIM! & don't feel 'sorry for him' about making him pay up to support his children either. Let him go wherever he is going.

Who does he think he is? Lazy as fuck, and on top of that HE walked out on YOU?

Im almost speechless now. But you had better get yourself in order now - all paperwork to hand, perhaps quietly source what increase in childminder fees could amount to, don't tell him your next move, bide your time.

& don't start with the doormat style again. As you can clearly see now - it does no good

Let him leave. It'll be the best thing you ever did.

short term solution I'd be tempted to get one of the kids to ram a jam sandwich into the play station rendering it un playable. In all seriousness the first few years of teaching are really really tough, but it gets easier, why not ask for part time / job share so you are not working late every night
a friend I know got divorced and works part time as a teacher and post divorce she is financially better off working pt rather than ft

Maybe you could adjust your work-life balance? Scale back your hours a bit...don't start so early, or don't work in the evenings. I know that there's a lot of work in teaching - my parents were both teachers before retiring a few years back - but they both had a strict rule of doing nothing at home, and I'm so glad of it. Mum (a primary teacher) went in at 8am and left at around 5pm. She only worked extra at home if it was report time! Dad (a secondary teacher) started work at 8.45am - just in time for morning registration - and finished at 3.40pm when the home bell rang. He never worked at home. His class had superb results and he ended up going back and tutoring for a few years after retiring so that the course could maintain its high results...they had to stop running it when he decided to stop tutoring as they couldn't get a suitable teacher, sadly.
The long and short of what I was trying to say there is - teachers don't have to work all the hours god sends in order to do a good job. And working less overtime is much better from the child's perspective - and I say that as the child of two teachers.

@quercuscircus yes, this is exactly what he's doing. Every time I try to talk to him about something he says I'm causing an argument again.

Don't 'let' him leave, throw the lazy selfish arsehole out. You are not his servant. On Monday, start gathering all the info you need about how to end this marriage,. Then tell him he has one month to shape up, otherwise (depending on what the legal position is) either he can get out or you will be taking DC and leaving him.

Why the fuck should OP scale back hours to accommodate her lazy shithead husband?

Reanimated - so right

@wrenika unfortunately I can't scale back. Teaching is quite different now to what it used to be. If I didn't work in the evenings, I'd be completely unprepared the next day.

Your life would be easier as a single parent.

I'd have broken the fucking PlayStation by now for a start.

See if he'll go to counselling if you can get a sitter, otherwise go by yourself-you just need someone to affirm that you're doing the right thing to LTB & better if he hears from someone else that he is BU.

How did he cope looking after dc for the 10 week break or did he not do his share then either? If not, I'd recommend another break with him doing the amount is work he'd need to if you split up permanently

Threads like this make me think that all men could do with being lone parents for a good while. He has kids. What would he had to do if you didn't exist? His life would change beyond recognition. You,on the other hand-what in your life would really be different if he didn't exist? He brings nothing but a wage. No support, no childcare, no housework.
You'd be better off with the tax credits. And much happier not having your soul destroyed by this lazy excuse for a partner.

@buckeejit he didn't see his kids during the 10-week break. He went away...

Fuck. What a prince.

@IfNot I would have to get up half an hour earlier to take DS1 to breakfast club and DS2 to the childminder. That's the only thing that would change. Oh and I'd have to take a taxi to work every morning if I wanted to make it on time. But I could deal with that, I guess.

Oh god yanbu
He couldn't give a fuck. Either that or he just doesn't understand how full on things are for you.
The only way he will appreciate what your challenges are will be if he is in your shoes. Can you go stay with someone for a few nights to give him a taster?

@ticketytock1 I can't do it to my kids