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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ban son from moving back in?

471 replies

Boxset67 · 05/10/2017 21:08

I'm married with three sons 24, 21 and 18. All three have left home (youngest to uni last month) and I have to say we are enjoying life as a married couple despite the nest being empty! The eldest has lived away from home since he started uni, and has this week decided he is going to apply for a job close to us, and move back in to save money! I should add he hasn't asked, he's just decided he will be better off financially, and is expecting us to welcome him with open arms! Quite honestly, I'm horrified at the prospect. I don't want to go back to doing his laundry or taking another person into account when deciding what to cook for dinner. On top of that we do clash quite a lot (get on better since he moved out!) and he's very untidy. I can see it working, and I don't think for one minute he will save money, just spend more on going out and going on holiday! AIBU?

OP posts:
Santawontbelong · 05/10/2017 21:10

You need to change the spare rooms to an office /gym /home for your newly purchased rats /rabbits /hamster. . Sorry ds there just isn't room. I can help you find a flat though. .

Original poster
Boxset67 · 05/10/2017 21:13

He has a perfectly good flat already! He's just decided it costs too much and doesn't leave him enough spending money.

OP posts:
fuzzywuzzy · 05/10/2017 21:14

YANBU, but you do need to make it clear he’s moved out and that’s it. He needs to make arrangements to ensure he has housing for when he moves for work.

I can’t imagine wanting to move back home! You’re clearly making life far too comfortable him. Tell him you’ll charge him the going rate for a room and he needs to arrange his own food and laundry and anything else. The gravy train has ended!

BreakfastAtSquiffanys · 05/10/2017 21:14

Well, you could find out what the going rate is for rent and charge him the same so that there is no financial benefit to him living with you.

MatildaTheCat · 05/10/2017 21:15

Tricky. Saying an outright no seems mean and I say that as someone in the same position as you. I think I would set a time limit and certainly charge rent. He does his own laundry and contributes to household in terms of cooking and cleaning.

If it doesn't work out you have to say it's time to find a flat share.

My own parents moved to the other side of the country but that is a bit extreme!

existentialmoment · 05/10/2017 21:15

just tell him no, he does not get to move in with people without being invited to, his parents or anyone else. He sounds rather childish, so the last thing he needs is to move back home.

Katyazamo · 05/10/2017 21:17

How do you know about this idea if he hasn't asked?

MyDcAreMarvel · 05/10/2017 21:17

Yes yabu, my children's home will always be available to them as long as we are alive.

MehMehAndMeh · 05/10/2017 21:18

Have a sneaky look around on Rightmove and find out rents for the area. Then casually tell him you are going to charge him at least £100 per month over the maximum rent you find. That way if he does move back, it's just to the local area and not the family home.

BellyBean · 05/10/2017 21:18

My parents charged my brother more than the going rate in rent, as all bills, food, internet and use of washing machine were included!

He found a shared house quickly enough

LagunaBubbles · 05/10/2017 21:19

Why would you assume you would have to do his laundry if he moves back in?

Appuskidu · 05/10/2017 21:20

Well, what did you actually say to him when he said he was moving back in?

highinthesky · 05/10/2017 21:20

YABU.

A child is a life choice after all, not a 18-years-and-then-piss-off choice.

Haffdonga · 05/10/2017 21:21

I think YABU mainly because you would expect to do his laundry and cook his meals. Why would you do that for an adult who is completely capable of living independently? Confused

I'd love my adult dcs to feel free to come and live at home whenever in their lives they might want to. It is always their home and I hope they know they can without asking. But they'd come back as equal adults, pay their way, do their laundry and cook their meals.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 05/10/2017 21:23

Just say no.

AnathemaPulsifer · 05/10/2017 21:23

Charge rent and he can do his own laundry!

I'd be sad if my kids ever felt they couldn't come home though. I feel I could probably move back in with either of my parents if I needed to, and there are step parents involved. I'd ask nicely, mind!

Original poster
Boxset67 · 05/10/2017 21:24

Yes I think we need to speak face to face and make it clear he isn't moving back in. He doesn't have a new job lined up, he's just informed us that he's looking for one near us to make life cheaper for himself! It does feel mean to say no, but I feel like it would be a backward step. Obviously if one of them lost their job or something that would be a different situation, but I think he has a damn cheek. We have been very supportive to all of them financially and otherwise while they were at uni but I feel at his age his finances should not be our problem!

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reflexfaith · 05/10/2017 21:25

If he can't afford a flat he can get a shared house
that way he'll be sharing with other people his sort of age who want to share rather than with people of his parents generation who've had enough of that kind of thing

existentialmoment · 05/10/2017 21:26

A child is a life choice after all, not a 18-years-and-then-piss-off choice

What a load of bollocks. He's 24, he hasn't been a child for years. You don;t commit to having them live with you forever just because you gave birth to them.
People do talk shit.

WickedLazy · 05/10/2017 21:27

I don't think yabu. It sounds like he's taking the piss (or planning too). Agree if he does move back in, he should be giving you a decent amount towards his living costs, not expecting you to provide gas, electric and food for him. Does he have a gf? Will he be having mates or dates over?

drfostersbra · 05/10/2017 21:29

My dad charged Me £250 rent as soon as I got my first proper job at 19 I think your DS is BU.

NewDaddie · 05/10/2017 21:31

Become nudists

Original poster
Boxset67 · 05/10/2017 21:31

I am not assuming I would do his laundry, I'm assuming he would expect me to, simply because I work part time and look after the house. He would be out at work all day so would no doubt expect dinner cooked for him every night since I'm home earlier so tend to cook for DH and I, and would accuse me of being petty if I didn't stick his washing in with ours! As for a child being for life, I, not suggesting they piss off at 18 and never darken my door again 😂 They are all welcome to stay for weekends etc but I really really don't want them moving back in permanently once in their 20s.

OP posts:
BluePheasant · 05/10/2017 21:31

First of all I’d tell him he can’t just tell you he’s moving back in without asking/discussing it.
I would lay down the ground rules very firmly.
If he moves in, he buys his own food and does own cooking or if wants to share meals then he chips in for food shop and helps with cooking or clearing up.
Does own laundry and has own laundry basket in his room.
House must be kept tidy and I’d tell him it will be his turn to clean bathroom once a week.
I would wouldn’t charge rent but I would insist on him paying his share of bills, internet etc since he has a job.
Would probably discuss some sort of time frame for the arrangement as if his meant to be saving then I’d expect him to have worked out roughly how much he can save a month and how much he wants to save up.

Original poster
Boxset67 · 05/10/2017 21:33

reflexfaith the flat he lives in is shared. It's very nice and he gets on with his flat mates so that isn't the issue.

OP posts: