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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ban son from moving back in?

471 replies

Boxset67 · 05/10/2017 21:08

I'm married with three sons 24, 21 and 18. All three have left home (youngest to uni last month) and I have to say we are enjoying life as a married couple despite the nest being empty! The eldest has lived away from home since he started uni, and has this week decided he is going to apply for a job close to us, and move back in to save money! I should add he hasn't asked, he's just decided he will be better off financially, and is expecting us to welcome him with open arms! Quite honestly, I'm horrified at the prospect. I don't want to go back to doing his laundry or taking another person into account when deciding what to cook for dinner. On top of that we do clash quite a lot (get on better since he moved out!) and he's very untidy. I can see it working, and I don't think for one minute he will save money, just spend more on going out and going on holiday! AIBU?

OP posts:
Summerswallow · 05/10/2017 22:16

the stately homes thread will never be short of posters, going by these sorts of threads

I actually disagree that throwing your doors open to your son in his mid-twenties indefinitely to live in a very small area so he can have a cheaper and easier life is an emotionally healthier way to live. Yes, as a port in a storm, if he was having a hard time, for a limited period or even a year or two but certainly not just because he doesn't fancy paying full rent and would prefer to go on holiday and for his mum to do his washing. The children I know whose parents made it very very easy to stay home looked fine in their mid-twenties, but by mid-thirties even forty, this way of life looks really very limited. I would never turn my children away, I'd take them in, listen, patch them up and financially try to help them go and spread their wings again. I think over-dependence and the stifling of dreams/a bigger life can be quite damaging in a different way than the more obvious ways of being rejected or neglectful. I'm extremely close to my mum and she would do anything for me, but part of that is me taking responsibility for being an adult in the relationship we now have as adults, I'm not actually a child any more.

Original poster
Boxset67 · 05/10/2017 22:17

Blimey, i didn't say they had to piss off at 18 and never darken my door. Nor did I say I wouldn't help them out if they were ill or on hard times 🙄 He has been living away for 6 years, cooking his own meals and doing his laundry. I simply fear that he would expect to revert to being "looked after" because I work part time so tend to do the bulk of the domestic stuff. I do it for DH because he works long hours, so I fear DS would expect the same treatment. He doesn't have a NEED to move home, he just fancies more cash in his pocket.

OP posts:
BMW6 · 05/10/2017 22:18

He is not in need. He is just being a cheapskate and totally self-indulgent.
Of course he is still and will always be your child - but he is an adult now,

Garlicansapphire · 05/10/2017 22:20

Just treat him like an adult. Charge rent (even if nominal), no washing or cleaning or cooking. Set out the rules and terms - and explain ' I cant treat you like a child so I have to do these things for your self respect.'

Jasminedes · 05/10/2017 22:22

As he is the eldest, I would say, 'do you really think when we have just got rid of the last of you (18 year old) that we are having any of you back?? I mean, you are welcome for the weekend, but...we are selling up and buying a one bedroom place pronto.' After all, he may have got a misguided idea into his mind that you are feeling bereft and that he needs to come back.

crimsonlake · 05/10/2017 22:22

I think yabu your children should feel their home is always home regardless of their ages and should always be welcomed back no matter what.

CocoPuffsinGodMode · 05/10/2017 22:22

Yanbu at all and one or two posters seem to be projecting a bit Hmm.

It would be one thing if he asked to move back in because he actually couldn’t afford his rent, bills and other living expenses. It sounds like he can currently afford these, he’d just prefer more disposable income! Which strongly suggests he’s expecting to be subsidized by you either by minimal rent or free food, heating, whatever. Not very adult of him.

It’s absolutely fine and normal to be happy living your own lives without having to consider the needs of a third person in the house. I know my parents would have any of us back if we needed to but having raised five of us they are entitled to now live their lives how they want. Their home is the way they like it and when they go out and come back again it’s as they left it. They eat meals at whatever time they feel like without feeling they must cook a proper dinner at a particular time. They can mosey about in pajamas all day if they want without feeling they should be “decent” for visiting boy/girlfriends. As I said, they’d take any of us in if needed but I know their hearts would sink a bit. As would mine to be quite honest Grin. It doesn’t mean they don’t love us!

ssd · 05/10/2017 22:23

well speak to him then Hmm what's the big deal?

you sound pissed off your cosy comfortable life might be upset

I bet you have a favourite and it isnt him

missymayhemsmum · 05/10/2017 22:24

yanbu, op. of course you'd have him home if he was homeless, or needed to be there to save for a deposit/ go travelling, or not coping on his own, or even retraining for his dream job, but just because he'll have more spending money if he lives at home indefinitely? Nah, on your bike son.

Original poster
Boxset67 · 05/10/2017 22:24

iamagreyhoundhearmeroar oh yes, you've just reminded me...when he comes for weekends, he goes clubbing and wakes us up at 4am clattering about. That's another thing I don't want to go back to!

OP posts:
CocoPuffsinGodMode · 05/10/2017 22:25

ssd seriously?? Confused

Doilooklikeatourist · 05/10/2017 22:25

I hear you Boxset
I have DD at uni. And DS just graduated and working ( paying a huge rent )
I would be horrified if either expected to move back in
If they asked, said it would be a couple of weeks , ok
Not asking , just expecting , no , not really
Though I expect all the PP saying you’re being mean have 3 year olds. Not grown adults

SchadenfreudePersonified · 05/10/2017 22:25

Obviously if one of them lost their job or something that would be a different situation, but I think he has a damn cheek

Totally agree OP - if there was an emergency, you are there for him, but otherwise he is a grown man who is looking for someone to do his cooking and cleaning, and subsidise hissmcial life by freeing up extra cash for him.

I don't blame you in the slightest for wanting to retain your freedom OP - theoretically you could insist on charging him rent, and telling him he had to do his own washing/cooking etc - but I think we all know what will happen if he doesn't bother and you can't stand the mess, smell unwashed shirts etc. And once he is back in the house, getting him out again will be so much harder!

Mind - when he realises how much freedom he is likely to lose (after all, you won't let him have women/men stop overnight will you Grin ) he may re-think.

ssd · 05/10/2017 22:25

yep, shines out of her like a light

it'll be denied, of course

SchadenfreudePersonified · 05/10/2017 22:26

*his social life, not hissmcial life

whatever that is Hmm

wobblywonderwoman · 05/10/2017 22:26

You are entitled to your life back op

Of course he can't come home just to save money to have a good time. Absolutely charge him rent

MinervaSaidThat · 05/10/2017 22:28

Oh God YANBU at all.

You will get suckered into doing his laundry and cooking so don't even go there.

It will be much harder to get him to move out once he's in.

CocoPuffsinGodMode · 05/10/2017 22:28

I don’t think it does ssd not at all. Maybe you’re projecting eh?

MyBrilliantDisguise · 05/10/2017 22:31

The thing is that where he may well be acting as an adult with his flatmates, he sounds as though he'll revert back to being a child in relation to his parents. That will only lead to resentment from his parents, who are wanting an adult-adult relationship and from him, when he can't understand why they can't both parent him (washing, dinners) and treat him like an adult at the same time.

If he's been independent for six years and his only reason for moving in is because it's cheaper (ie his parents will sub him) then it's unlikely to work. If he had set himself a goal of saving for a deposit, it would be more likely to work.

Crispsheets · 05/10/2017 22:31

Can you move far far away OP?Grin
I am agog at ssd "your cosy comfortable life might be upset"

ssd · 05/10/2017 22:32

coco, if I had a pound for every time someone on here can't find anything worth saying other than "maybe you're projecting" I'd be a millionaire

user838383 · 05/10/2017 22:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CallMeDollFace · 05/10/2017 22:34

I think YANBU but if I were you I’d talk it over with him before I said no.

If he understood it would be on adult terms (rent, no domestic services included and an expectation that he will do his share of cooking, cleaning communal areas etc) and for a limited period while he saves up for a bigger place/decent deposit/whatever then I think I’d consider it.

CocoPuffsinGodMode · 05/10/2017 22:38

Well if you find people suggest you’re projecting that often ssd maybe you should give it some thought.

Atenco · 05/10/2017 22:46

My parents charged me a fortune for B&B when I was DS' age and didn't have much money. I moved out asap.

Now they're getting on, guess who's forgotten the 'You're on your own ,mate' agenda - the family agenda that they set. They have, funnily enough.

I haven't.*

Whao

My mother did the same and I am eternally grateful to her for helping me to become independent. But some people are just looking for an excuse to ditch the responsability of their ageing parents.

My uncle and aunt sold their house and bought a smaller one to get their 28-year-old son to move out.