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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To ban son from moving back in?

471 replies

Boxset67 · 05/10/2017 21:08

I'm married with three sons 24, 21 and 18. All three have left home (youngest to uni last month) and I have to say we are enjoying life as a married couple despite the nest being empty! The eldest has lived away from home since he started uni, and has this week decided he is going to apply for a job close to us, and move back in to save money! I should add he hasn't asked, he's just decided he will be better off financially, and is expecting us to welcome him with open arms! Quite honestly, I'm horrified at the prospect. I don't want to go back to doing his laundry or taking another person into account when deciding what to cook for dinner. On top of that we do clash quite a lot (get on better since he moved out!) and he's very untidy. I can see it working, and I don't think for one minute he will save money, just spend more on going out and going on holiday! AIBU?

OP posts:
holdthewine · 07/10/2017 21:13

The only way 2 of our adult DC could save to get on the property ladder was to move in with us. For me it would depend why your DS wants to. If he wants to save to buy, I suggest you set a time limit on it and give him the biggest deposit you can afford to get rid of him.

We currently have DS and family living with us during a renovation project (unplanned due to circumstances not their fault) and, oh my goodness, it’s tiring!

Crispsheets · 07/10/2017 21:37

I'm not defined by being a mother. I'm more important than that. I'm planning all sorts of stuff next year...at 58 I'm not dead yet and want to travel and spend time with friends and partner.

SeaEagleFeather · 07/10/2017 22:54

jaydot

Also, in my culture you should own your home (as near impossible as it is nowadays) so the child coming home to save is welcomed, almost insisted upon

The situation here is that the OPs son could save already in his flatshare, but isn't. He's spending a lot of money on socializing etc. (cocktails at 10 quid a go mount up!)

From what she's said the OP would always be there if there was real need. But him moving home to save money on bills so that he can spend more going out - I can't see that that would be ok in your culture either, since young people stay at home so they can save up to buy their own place.

scaryteacher · 07/10/2017 23:34

Tippz Kids are for life Thus, my 77 year old mother should house me at 51, if I decided I needed more spends and didn't want to pay the mortgage? Really? Should she also house dh, ds, the cats, and should she give up her bedroom for us as she only has a two bedroom house?

missmollyhadadolly · 07/10/2017 23:59

Perfectly1mperfect

Your family life sounds stifling and suffocating.

I don't think you're going to have OP's dilemma, I think your DC will choose their freedom when they get it.

PurpleTango · 08/10/2017 00:03

YANBU. My second DS moved away to attend uni years ago. He has settled within the Uni Town. He comes home 3 times a year for a weekend. We love him to bits and really enjoy him staying for the weekend. We all relax for the time he is here - mainly to avoid arguments about him lounging about and expected to be waited on hand and foot. He doesn't rise until lunchtime, clears out the fridge and constantly seems to be hungry, uses a clean cup and spoon every time he makes a cuppa, insists on smoking in the doorway rather than take the few extra steps into the garden, leaves his shoes, coat and clothes all over the place, takes control of the TV remote, insists we need to watch his latest DVD discovery (We very rarely watch TV and prefer family time spent on catching up), he always forgets his toothbrush and razor which means an extra trip to the supermarket/chemist, (we are in a very rural area) need I go on?

As I say we love to see him and a weekend every now and again is fantastic. Would we want him moving in full time? Hell No!! 😫

Perfectly1mperfect · 08/10/2017 00:10

missmollyhadadolly

So because our kids are always welcome to live with us, that's stifling and suffocating. Confused They are just as welcome to move out at 18 if that is what they want to do. Please tell me from my posts how you have come to that conclusion.

I have stated they will always be welcome but that they already pull their weight and are pretty independent. I have also stated that if they lived with me as an adult that they would be expected to do their share of cooking, washing etc. But that I like looking after people in general.

I get that you may disagree with me and not welcome your adult children into your home but I am genuinely confused by your comment.

reflexfaith · 08/10/2017 01:20

mainly to avoid arguments about him lounging about and expected to be waited on hand and foot
from your description Purple he is totally taking the piss, why do you allow it?

I love my son too but if he behaved like that in my home I wouldnt just humor him

Out2pasture · 08/10/2017 01:31

My 85 yr old parents regularly remind me that I’m welcome to move back any time. I have no need at this point to take them up on their offer but I know I would be welcome. Nice to know :)

Bachingupthewrongtree · 08/10/2017 02:43

I recommend 'Second Honeymoon' by Joanna Trollope, which reflects exactly this situation.

The parents in the book have three adult DC who have left home, but then want to come home for various personal reasons. The father tells them 'No', which they are shocked by, and also keeps it from the mother, who would have said yes in an instant. The mother is tired and worn down, but then returns to her acting career, after many years as a SAHM, becomes reinvigorated and revitalised.

By the end of the book, the DC sort out their various problems, the parents sell their large but dated house in London to downsize, and give money to the DC to help them buy their own homes. Everyone 'grows' on a personal level, the DC become independent, they develop an adult relationship with their parents who reconnect as a couple, life moves on, and I would say that there is definitely a happy ending.

Now, I have always been a big fan of Joanna Trollope (although I think her latest couple of books are not as good as the earlier ones). But when I read 'Second Honeymoon' for the first time, which was when my DC were little, I was shocked by the attitude of the father. I didn't 'get' it at all. How could he possibly turn away his own DC? I didn't like him or have any sympathy with him as a character. He was putting his own needs (returning to life as a couple rather than primarily as parents) and those of his wife (who would have wanted her DC back in a heartbeat, even if it meant drudgery and tiredness, because she loved them so much and wanted to help them). How could he do this to his own DC? Didn't he love them?

I then re-read the book a couple of years ago, shortly after my youngest had left for uni, and I saw it in a completely different light. Although I still wouldn't have responded as the father did in the book, I completely understood where he was coming from.

What we need to understand as parents is that, just as we are not defined by being parents, so our DC are not defined by being our DC. As the saying goes, probably misquoted, 'If you love a thing, you have to let it go...' To quote another cliche, you need to give them 'roots and wings'.

When your DC are babies, toddlers, of school age, you cannot imagine how they will be anything but your beloved DC, and that is completely natural. But when they grow, they need to detach from you, in order to grow and become independent functioning adults. I agree with other posters, including the OP, who say that DC regress when they come back to the family home. That is not healthy either for them or for the parents.

I know that many adult DC live at home with their DP and it can be made to work, if boundaries are in place and with give and take on both sides. But it is not an ideal situation; even if the DC is paying rent, doing their own washing and cooking, it is not being properly independent. And encouraging your DC to grow and become independent is what loving parents should be doing, not encouraging them to continue as dependants, which might be comforting to us (as we all want to feel needed), but is really not in their best long term interests.

DixieNormas · 08/10/2017 02:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 08/10/2017 02:58

Now that the thread is in the papers I guess the OP won't be back to update us Sad

I want to know the DH's point of view, and how the conversation with the DS goes.

Perfectly1mperfect · 08/10/2017 03:07

HeartsTrumpDiamonds

Although I disagree with the OP, I really hope her son doesn't read this thread or the newspaper article and realise what his mother and others have written about him. That could be so damaging to him and to their relationship. Poor bloke !

comingintomyown · 08/10/2017 04:10

I haven't read so much nonsense in a long time and am surprised at how vitriolic some people have been towards the OP

YANBU I wouldn't even consider having a 24 year old move back home under the circumstances you describe.

Crispsheets · 08/10/2017 06:48

I like looking after people in general
I don't.

Roussette · 08/10/2017 07:46

Bachingupthewrongtree

Totally agree with your post. When my lot were little I could not begin to imagine them not living with me and strapped to my hip. Then the teenage years happen for a reason. It's to allow you to loosen those strings. Then they go to Uni or whatever, more strings loosened.

I love love love now having an adult relationship with them now they live independently. I/We go to stay with them, they come home to us for a weekend when they fancy it. When they're here, either all together, or individually, it's like a huge tornado has hit the home. Much as I love seeing them, I don't want that to be permanent unless they really need us. Much as everyone says 'set boundaries' it really is not that easy, they come home to relax... or in fact be lazy. A break at home with Mum and Dad while working full on in a career doesn't mean they want to put the bins out or mop the floor! And for a short break I don't want them to. Any longer would be hard to implement...

Also it's our time. We're both more or less retired so we've reconnected, we can go off at a whim staying away, we've got new hobbies, new interests together and apart. I can't go back to cooking for 5, those days are gone can barely be arsed to cook for the two of us sometimes

onlyindreams · 08/10/2017 09:29

I don't understand why so many are making a big deal about the cooking/washing, as if that's the main issue. Unless the op doesn't have a washing machine how hard can it be to throw in extra clothes, the washer does the work not you.

As for cooking, whoever is doing the cooking just does extra, not a big deal. Cheaper to do it all in one go anyway.
Not saying yabu to not want ds home btw, just don't think the washing/cooking thing is relevant to it all, like so many are making out.

Boxset671 · 08/10/2017 09:55

I’m the OP (had to reregister) I’ve asked for the post to be deleted due to being in the paper, I don’t want to be identified! Thanks to those who have shown support 😊

Mummyoflittledragon · 08/10/2017 09:56

Glad. Just don’t let him back in Smile

Perfectly1mperfect · 08/10/2017 10:37

Crispsheets

Ok, thanks for letting me know. Confused

Perfectly1mperfect · 08/10/2017 10:44

missmolly I hope you come back on before the post is deleted to explain your views on my family. I asked you to respond in my post at 00.10 today. You made a wild statement. Obviously it's difficult to respond when there's no evidence to back up your statements.

SeaEagleFeather · 08/10/2017 10:48

Although I disagree with the OP, I really hope her son doesn't read this thread or the newspaper article and realise what his mother and others have written about him. That could be so damaging to him and to their relationship. Poor bloke !

eh? he's a very fragile young adult if his relationship would be damaged by this. Hopefully he's got some resilience and you seem to have missed the whole thing that he'd swan around expecting his mum to do all the chores and work for him.

He's not six. He's in his mid-twenties!

SeaEagleFeather · 08/10/2017 10:50

good luck boxset. Out of interest, what have you decided? :)

Perfectly1mperfect · 08/10/2017 11:03

SeaEagleFeather

No, she just assumed he would. And how could that ever happen if she just didn't do it all for him ? Have some boundaries !

If I knew my mum had come on a forum saying things about me before they had happened, saying she would be horrified at the prospect of living with me then yes, I think it would cause a issue.

I just expect people to be honest with me, especially my family.

SeaEagleFeather · 08/10/2017 11:12

If I knew my mum had come on a forum saying things about me before they had happened, saying she would be horrified at the prospect of living with me then yes, I think it would cause a issue

No, it probably wouldn't be pleasant.

But perhaps it would be a wake up call for you, if your mother considered that you'd be taking the piss.