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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ban son from moving back in?

471 replies

Boxset67 · 05/10/2017 21:08

I'm married with three sons 24, 21 and 18. All three have left home (youngest to uni last month) and I have to say we are enjoying life as a married couple despite the nest being empty! The eldest has lived away from home since he started uni, and has this week decided he is going to apply for a job close to us, and move back in to save money! I should add he hasn't asked, he's just decided he will be better off financially, and is expecting us to welcome him with open arms! Quite honestly, I'm horrified at the prospect. I don't want to go back to doing his laundry or taking another person into account when deciding what to cook for dinner. On top of that we do clash quite a lot (get on better since he moved out!) and he's very untidy. I can see it working, and I don't think for one minute he will save money, just spend more on going out and going on holiday! AIBU?

OP posts:
WickedLazy · 05/10/2017 22:47

ssd, if you'be been told you're projecting a million times, maybe there's something to it..?

Maybe you weren't the favourite, or were neglected or whatever, but op's son hasn't been neglected, he was supported at home until 18, didn't help much wit domestic stuff, was supported through uni, still stays at weekends etc. You sound really bitter. And like you're projecting. Actually a few pp seem to be, in various ways. Either chucked out young, or lived with parents until 30+ and feel defensive about it?

cresit · 05/10/2017 22:50

I finally got my son out at 25. His bed went the following day. Job done.

MinervaSaidThat · 05/10/2017 22:51

ssd read the OP, it says OP doesn't want any of her chldren to move back in Hmm

Have another pound, you are projecting.

ssd · 05/10/2017 22:54

yeah sure, I'm projecting, if it makes you feel better.

Dustbunny1900 · 05/10/2017 22:54

If you let an adult man move back in when he's perfectly capable of living independently, wash and fold his socks, cook his meals, let him blow all his money at clubs and live rent and bill free...then I think that's quite unreasonable actually, unhealthy, and doing him no favors in the long run.
of course if he was out on the streets or fallen upon hard times, asked you first my jaw is dropping at the entitlement of him not even askingdid his own laundry and meals like an adult, and used that time to save so he could get out on his own again that would be totally different!!
But thats not what's happening.
stand your ground, do not enable him to turn into a mooch and an adult man who has his mommy make his bed and fold his boxers. He needs to get used to adult responsibility.

Bornfreebutinbiscuits · 05/10/2017 22:55

I have to agree with Italian grey hound on this. This is your son.
I always feel people should tread carefully in these situations.
I absolutely think it's vital you lay ground rules, do washing, do chores, pay rent, no stumbling in late etc. Of course you don't want to be a slave but then that's your responsibility to make sure doesn't happen.

One day he may look back on this rejection with bitterness... He may not feel as close to you. That's fine now when your happy and settled. But what when you get a littke older and fragile and in need.. You may need your sons support. It's all very well to be gung ho about things now but beware it can turn when your in need... AND start eyeing up granny flats because on your own but your sons don't want to know m

stargazer2030 · 05/10/2017 22:55

YANBU. Don't do it. Our eldest son has moved back in after uni and it is honestly making my life a misery.
He is lazy, entitled, has broken several things (all denied but only him in the house - washing machine handle snapped off, expensive bin lid cracked and won't close etc).
He has no thought for anyone else. Lost keys several times so woke the whole house up at 4am. He argues about everything - just like having a teenager. Constantly bickering with siblings, no regard to their space or privacy.
I could go on. No attempt to find a job.
We both deeply regret it now and I think we are just enabling him to doss around for a few more years.
He is doing a very part time post grad which should lead to a decent job if he can get some relevant work experience we thought we were helping but he hasn't even applied for any jobs. He has also decided to do it over 2 years instead of the 1 he initially told us (without askings if it was okay).
I really think as parents we should be there to help out if needed but equally encourage them to live there own independent lives.

JWrecks · 05/10/2017 22:57

If one of mine tried to pull that on me, I'd tell em flat out:

"Absolutely NOT, and I am gobsmacked that you would just assume such a thing without thinking to so much as ASK us about it! Of course you're always welcome and this house is always your home, but you're an adult now, perfectly capable of supporting yourself. It would be one thing entirely if you were made redundant or something and were genuinely hard up, but swanning back in because you can't be arsed paying your own bloody rent is extremely immature and selfish."

Lay down some draconian rules if he does really pull it! Charge him rent, tell him no girls in his room and he won't be shagging around with his parents in the next room, he can buy his own food and tidy up after himself, he will not live like a slob and will keep his room tidied, etc. He won't want that for long.

Bornfreebutinbiscuits · 05/10/2017 22:59

dust what you call entitlement is what I call an open relationship where he feels comfortable to do this and I think that's great. It's ops side to negotiate the details. I think its lovely.he is just young and hasn't thought this through.. If op has raised him right I am sure with some gentle guidance and boundaries he will be fine and abide.. Or not want to move back.

MinervaSaidThat · 05/10/2017 22:59

yeah sure, I'm projecting, if it makes you feel better.

Well, as I don't know you or the OP, I don't feel much of anything about it. But you sound bitter.

SlothMama · 05/10/2017 23:04

I'm glad my parents aren't like a lot of posters on this thread. I've just turned 24 and I live at home whilst working full time because I am saving for a house. They don't ask for rent or food costs but they expect that I clean up after myself, I do my own clothes washing and cooking because I got into the habit whilst at Uni.

If he plans to come back to save then fair enough but if he's coming back purely to live a good life and have more money then he's being cheeky!

Bornfreebutinbiscuits · 05/10/2017 23:06

If ssd is bitter if she is projecting then maybe this is the real life reaction op may get.
I just don't feel she can blame her son for her own reactions. If my dd did this I would simply say, darling mums getting on and enjoying life without a house full to wash for. If you move back in there has to be some rules. Otherwise we will ask you to move out. It's not ops sons fault if she can't convey this and stick to it.

Cat2014 · 05/10/2017 23:09

Yabu - he's your son! Don't wait on him hand and foot or have him there rent free, but I can't believe people would say no

CocoPuffsinGodMode · 05/10/2017 23:10

stargazer Flowers my sympathies. I know my parents had the same sort of issues when my db was still living there in his early 30s!

I find it surprising that some people think that parents of capable adult children should still parent them in the same way when they reach adulthood. To me that’s just odd because we surely aim to raise our children to be independent members of society. Yes DH and I will always be there as a safety net for our dc but I hope that in their 20s and beyond they’ll have the maturity to see that we too are people in our own right, with our own needs and desires. None of our parents exist solely to cater to our needs and I don’t think it’s wrong for people to consider what they want for their lives, having raised their children. I have quite a few years ahead of putting the dc first as they are only 6 and 8 but that can’t be indefinite!

kw1091 · 05/10/2017 23:12

He's your son...

Iamagreyhoundhearmeroar · 05/10/2017 23:12

I think you could leave of course you’re always welcome and this house is always your home out of that little rant, JWrecks!!
It looks somewhat contradictory.

CocoPuffsinGodMode · 05/10/2017 23:14

sloth that’s totally different, lots of parents have adult children living with them for a time while saving for a deposit. Quite different if you decide you want them to subsidize you so you can spend money on clubbing and new clothes for example as that would be a bit of a piss take.

Bornfreebutinbiscuits · 05/10/2017 23:15

I think goal posts and aims shift. It's much harder to get on the ladder right now, it's not uncommon for people to stay at home longer.. High rents, low wages... I would not parent my dd the same at 24 as at 10. But that's my responsibility too surely?

AndroidsConundrum · 05/10/2017 23:16

Christ, this thread is depressing. Rent is stupidly high in areas with actual jobs, everyone's on shitty short-term low paid contracts, student feeds are 9k a year, degrees are useless and nobody can afford houses without a stupid deposit. The government says "just move home and save"

At 24 he should be in a job for life with his own house. Or his parents should charge him the local rate for rent Hmm

Fuck being young these days.

LadyLoveYourWhat · 05/10/2017 23:19

Of course you're not being unreasonable, for the first time in 24 years you're enjoying having the house to yourselves, you deserve your "cosy, comfortable life". Why are we expected to be endlessly self sacrificing?

CocoPuffsinGodMode · 05/10/2017 23:21

Give over Android no one is saying that. Read what Op has posted!Hmm

Bornfreebutinbiscuits · 05/10/2017 23:22

Also ops son has according to her said he wants to apply for the job close to them. He has said he wants to save, he has been out of home for 6 years.
It's op doing her son down assuming he is lying and won't save and won't apply for work.
You don't like him op, it happens. Very often people don't like thier dc.
I pray it doesn't happen to me.

Fleshy · 05/10/2017 23:22

You chose to have three offspring, you are responsible for them. Yeah they're adults but you don't absolve yourself of them completely once they're not 'your world' anymore. Older generations have fucked the economy and housing market (yes, among other factors), things that baby boomers did are no longer relevant in any way today. You made him exist, and no you won't be doing his laundry if you've raised him well, but tough shit wanting your house to yourselves once your kids hit 18 ffs.

MyBrilliantDisguise · 05/10/2017 23:24

But he's been living away for 6 years, Fleshy, and they clash a lot. He's also very untidy and says he's coming home because it's cheaper. Why should the OP accept this? Why can't she just tell him it isn't going to happen and force him to grow up a bit?

CocoPuffsinGodMode · 05/10/2017 23:28

Fleshy Op hasn’t said her age I don’t think but it seems unlikely she’s a baby boomer if her youngest is only 18. I’m curious, what do you mean “responsible” for them?