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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ban son from moving back in?

471 replies

Boxset67 · 05/10/2017 21:08

I'm married with three sons 24, 21 and 18. All three have left home (youngest to uni last month) and I have to say we are enjoying life as a married couple despite the nest being empty! The eldest has lived away from home since he started uni, and has this week decided he is going to apply for a job close to us, and move back in to save money! I should add he hasn't asked, he's just decided he will be better off financially, and is expecting us to welcome him with open arms! Quite honestly, I'm horrified at the prospect. I don't want to go back to doing his laundry or taking another person into account when deciding what to cook for dinner. On top of that we do clash quite a lot (get on better since he moved out!) and he's very untidy. I can see it working, and I don't think for one minute he will save money, just spend more on going out and going on holiday! AIBU?

OP posts:

OldPony · 08/10/2017 11:20

This thread has really resonated with me.

I was always the mother who adored my daughter, was so proud of here and did everything for her as she got such excellent grades at school.

This summer she came home from Uni and it was a disaster. The level of filth she was prepared to live in was shocking. I mean I'm not a tidy person but this was really squalid filth, I wouldn't have let a homeless person sleep in that mess. I would go to work begging her to tidy.

One day I made an ultimatum. Tidy your room or get out. You know what, she just fucked off. She got a student loan and moved out, leaving me with 6 bin bags of crap to shift out. So she was prepare to get into debt rather than tidy her room. And her Uni grades are crap.

Where did I go so wrong. I'm so worried about her.

Perfectly1mperfect · 08/10/2017 11:24

SeaEagleFeather

But the OPs son hadn't yet moved in and it was only her assumption that he would expect her to be his maid. She may have been pleasantly surprised. But even if he had that expectation, just don't do it. My kids don't expect me to do everything for them now so it certainly wouldn't be happening at 24. That's all.

I think she just didn't want him to move in. And she was looking to justify that. Maybe she felt a bit guilty. But if she doesn't want him to then that is her choice and she should just be honest and tell him rather than say things on a forum that haven't yet happened.

As usual with mumsnet, people like me that have just given another viewpoint get people being really rude about them. I don't mean you by the way. I am fine with people not agreeing with me, just not making accusations which are not true and that they certainly couldn't say were, based on a few posts on here.

Nanny0gg · 08/10/2017 11:53

one is incredibly bossy in the kitchen and just takes over and I end up feeling like a visitor in my own home

^^THIS!!

Also, as I have never, ever house-shared, I don't want to start now. It's not a share, it's mine (and DH's!)

existentialmoment · 08/10/2017 11:55

Unless the op doesn't have a washing machine how hard can it be to throw in extra clothes, the washer does the work not you

Tosh. The washer doesn't collect and sort the washing, it doesn't load and empty itself, it doesn't carry the washing to the garden and hang it out on the line, or bring it in, or fold it or iron it or put it away.

LadyLoveYourWhat · 08/10/2017 12:02

Great post by Bachingupthewrongtree

I don't understand why some people can't see how an extra person in the house, whoever they are, completely changes the dynamic and the way you live. You have to work around them and consider them and it's absolutely fine to not want to do that any more.

SeaEagleFeather · 08/10/2017 12:02

perfectly agreed that it's nice to disagree civilly! I hate how vitriolic some people are ..

I do think in the OP's posts that there is one big indication that her son is not behaving very well tho - he did not -ask- to come home. That's just plain civil politeness and respect. Even if you know the answer is going to be 'yes', it's courteous to ask.

Also I think that the OP knows her son better than most and if she is pretty sure he's going to take the piss, then - well, she knows him. She said that if she says "no, you do your own washing" he'll accuse her of being petty. That's not really a pleasant thing to say to anyone, even/especially your own mother, and it is going to create bad feeling. Not even saying "Ill do the next lot of washing" to be fair.

Maybe she should have put up better boundaries growing up but 1) we don't know the nature of the son and 2) she has to work with things as they are now, not as they should have been 15 years ago.

Roussette · 08/10/2017 12:03

Nanny Oh yes. You would think I'd never managed to cook a meal properly the way one of my DDs is. I end up being the chef's assistant and it's very irritating. If I am cooking a meal, I want to do it my way not have bossy DD telling me I'm doing it wrong! I tell her to do it herself then - but she has to clear up after. Doesn't happen!

Then there's the electronic stuff all over where I want to prep food and her wanting me to do it elsewhere etc. Love 'em to bits but we've had years on our own now and three more adults in the house is exhausting!

Disclaimer. We have a great laugh when they're here too! We make cocktails, drink wine, shout at the telly etc. but you'd think their father and I were incapable of looking after ourselves when they start taking over!

Bornfreebutinbiscuits · 08/10/2017 12:09

old pony its probably just a phase! Loads of students live in..
Filth!!
One friend had dead mouse under piles of clothes it was flat and had been trodden on she was just busy going out all the time. She has dc now and perfectly respectable tidy house.

Bornfreebutinbiscuits · 08/10/2017 12:11

sea

Going on a few personal experiences and a few wider I disagree. Dh mum couldn't know him less, she has view of him from when he was ten. She has never moved on and is not a great judge of people. My own dm was in cloud cuckoo land when it came to my db and his wife.

Op thinks he will come home and take piss, she doesn't know.

Roussette · 08/10/2017 12:15

Op thinks he will come home and take piss, she doesn't know

But how can you not know? If kids come home for a week or two at Christmas or weekends here and there, you know exactly what they would be like long term. I know what mine would be like 100%

reflexfaith · 08/10/2017 12:22

I don't understand why some people can't see how an extra person in the house, whoever they are, completely changes the dynamic and the way you live
An adult child knowing that his or her parents will always and unconditionally provide them with a home can very easily dominate and disrupt the whole household
That's the last thing you need when you're in your early 50s undergoing through the menopause😕
Do you really have to Sacrifice our well-being and peace of mind for our children even when they are adults and should be able to fend for themselves?

Goldenbear · 08/10/2017 12:34

Are you sure he's enjoying the house sharing. I personally think it is very stressful to live like that in your mid 20's onwards. I'm on cusp of Generation X/millennial and my husband is millennial and we've just bought a small house in an expensive area of the southeast. DH is in Architect but it is the only one amongst similar age colleagues in this position the others all house share. In the past Architects even newly qualified ones would not have had to house share with three other people. One of the colleagues in his late twenties hates house sharing and constantly asks if he can rent our garage to live in! We have DC but he still finds that preferable. Obviously it's not going to happen. However, I do have enormous sympathy for those who have to house share for lots of money with quite a few people way beyond the late teens early twenties years. I moved out at 22 after university but life was cheaper so I only ever shared with one other friend and we rented a massive period property flat so didn't feel cramped in on top of each other. Maybe he's like my husband's younger colleague and is not enjoying house sharing.

reflexfaith · 08/10/2017 13:27

Surely living with your parents is still a kind of house share?
never going to be as good as having your own place
Possibly easier to take the piss and emotionally blackmail your parents into putting up with bad behaviour though

reflexfaith · 08/10/2017 13:29

It all comes down to lack of affordable housing
Even middle class professionals having to live in circumstances which they associate with impoverishment

SchadenfreudePersonified · 08/10/2017 20:46

I think you're right to a degree Reflex - but I also think that young people now expect to spend a lot more than we (I'm 64) did when we were young.

They buy more clothes, eat and drink out a lot more often, want the latest technology etc. It's not just that homes are more expensive, it's that they have different priorities and don't want to go without the sweet things to save for a home.

Bachingupthewrongtree · 09/10/2017 05:43

To be fair, there was a limited choice of restaurants and very little technology a few decades ago. I expect we would have wanted it if it were around! Also, travel was comparatively expensive, as were clothes; no Primani etc.

larrygrylls · 09/10/2017 06:13

There was a vast choice of restaurants in the late 80s and plenty of technology (the Walkman, videos to buy and rent, watches etc). It may seem quaint now (and some of it is in the Science museum in a ‘history of science’ exhibition in the basement) but it was very desirable then, and expensive.

Even in the 70s we went out to Italian and Chinese restaurants with my parents. I think you have to go back to the early 70s to get back to a world with less goods.

SeaEagleFeather · 09/10/2017 07:49

I think less people took it for granted though larry. Sure the stuff was there but going out every weekend wasn't seen as normal by so many

Roussette · 09/10/2017 08:09

Totally agree SeaEagle. I'm old and can remember back in the time and much as there was stuff around that I coveted, I just didn't have it because I couldn't afford it. I lived in a flat at 17, and had to cope very frugally. There was lots I wanted and I just had to save for it. Nowadays it is just expectation.

One of my DDs friends gets a takeaway coffee every day on the way to work. She was here with DD one day moaning about having no money. I said.... well, if you bought a flask and made coffee to take, instead of a Starbucks, you could save more than £15 a week. She looked at me like I had two heads

GrumpyOldBag · 09/10/2017 08:32

This thread is still here? I thought the OP had asked for it to be deleted after it made it's way into the Sun?

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 09/10/2017 08:44

MNHQ don't always delete threads on the OP's request, even if they have made the national news. :(

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