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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ban son from moving back in?

471 replies

Boxset67 · 05/10/2017 21:08

I'm married with three sons 24, 21 and 18. All three have left home (youngest to uni last month) and I have to say we are enjoying life as a married couple despite the nest being empty! The eldest has lived away from home since he started uni, and has this week decided he is going to apply for a job close to us, and move back in to save money! I should add he hasn't asked, he's just decided he will be better off financially, and is expecting us to welcome him with open arms! Quite honestly, I'm horrified at the prospect. I don't want to go back to doing his laundry or taking another person into account when deciding what to cook for dinner. On top of that we do clash quite a lot (get on better since he moved out!) and he's very untidy. I can see it working, and I don't think for one minute he will save money, just spend more on going out and going on holiday! AIBU?

OP posts:
Lanaorana2 · 05/10/2017 21:59

I only came back for a few months when I was having some fairly hardcore medical treatment. Which I had to pay for myself, partly, as it wasn't avail on NHS, hence the need to save money.

Thanks for that.

StrangeLookingParasite · 05/10/2017 21:59

He's just decided it costs too much and doesn't leave him enough spending money.

Oh what a terrible shame.

Too bad.

ChilliMary · 05/10/2017 22:00

Er, why would you do his laundry or cook is meals if he's a grown man?! Also why couldn't he pay you some sort of rent?

Findingdotty · 05/10/2017 22:01

Charge him the same rent as he is paying now? Don't buy any extra food just empty one kitchen cupboard for him and inform him that he will need to get the fridge that he is going to need to buy for his room PAT tested before it enters the house.

He may change his mind then.

Lethaldrizzle · 05/10/2017 22:01

Teach your children to do their own laundry from an early age. It sounds like you've been walked over and understandably don't want it to continue. But as the parent you shoulda set some boundaries years ago.

tippz · 05/10/2017 22:03

@boxset67 YAB massively U!

As a few people have said, is it a rule in your house with your kids that they just piss off and leave at 18 and never come back? Confused

Fuck me. I am glad my folks were never like this. Most people I know aren't thankfully. Many people would welcome their adult children back with open arms.

What an awful attitude.

Your son has my sympathy.

AudTheDeepMinded · 05/10/2017 22:04

I would give a very strict time limited period in which he can move back in but be looking for a house share. And for goodness sake charge him rent and don't run round after him!

ssd · 05/10/2017 22:04

you sounds pretty horrible, op

I get you have a life that doesn't include your sons now and you have all the time to yourself

but you sound like you grudge your son and dont want to help him out

I know everyone here is mostly on your side, but I dont like the sound of you.

LilyMcClellan · 05/10/2017 22:04

I would find it hard to say no to my own child, as long as I felt that they were saving money for a good reason (saving for house deposit, paying off student loan) rather than so that they could have a more flamboyant social life with fancier clothes.

I'd sit him down and say that you'd be happy to discuss him coming back home if he's saving money for something important, but not if he's just doing it for the lifestyle.

If his goal is to save money, perhaps he could put what he currently saves in rent into a high-interest bearing savings account instead.

In terms of household contributions, he needs to understand that he's returning to the house as an adult, and will be expected to take care of himself in the same way he does in a flat. Either he caters all his own meals, or you work out a cooking roster. Either he does all his own washing, or he does two of the family loads each week. He contributes a third of bills and expenses. And so on.

This may well be enough to put him off, but even if not, you have a clear set of ground rules. I'd make sticking to them a condition of him being there, with a two-month eviction notice period if he doesn't, and a review of the situation after a year either way.

IamImportantToo · 05/10/2017 22:05

It is easy to deal with. Confide to him you are enjoying a second honeymoon period in your marriage and imply you are shagging spontaneously all over the house. And you are now nudists as someone said.

Open the door nude

That’ll fix it.

TheEmmaDilemma · 05/10/2017 22:07

I think you're looking for "no".

tippz · 05/10/2017 22:07

@Deadgood

Pretty unimpressed at your attitude towards your own son. It is not unusual for people to move back home these days. It is expensive out there.

This ^

This attitude that a child becomes a fully fledged, wordly-wise adult as soon as they hit their 18th birthday, and must fuck off into the sunset and never darken the doorstep again is fucking repugnant . What if they had an accident and needed care for 3-4 months, what then? Tuff titties, you are 19, fuck off, we have done our parenting for 18 years, you are no longer our responsibility! Jeeeez!

AnnabelleLecter · 05/10/2017 22:07

Yanbu.
If he is in dire straits then yes to help him out for a while.
Just to have more of a jolly time at his parents expense, no fucking way.
If he is saving hard for a deposit I would try to help him out with that though if possible. That's what we plan to do with DD

Shiftymake · 05/10/2017 22:08

I went to live with my dm for a periode after I broke up with xp and was injured to boot. Could not work so the sick pay was all I had which would never cover my living cost as well as the risk of me needing assistance. So I lived with her until I was back working and recovered from the injury. But I will admit that the idea of moving back was tough and she wouldn't like any of us moving in with her unless we were in dire need. I think in your situation, a clear you are always welcome to visit or when you are in a crisis door is open. But not to mooch.

ssd · 05/10/2017 22:10

I agree tippz

the stately homes thread will never be short of posters, going by these sorts of threads

Iamagreyhoundhearmeroar · 05/10/2017 22:10

Op, you sound as if some smelly drunk has followed you home from the pub demanding to be put up in your spare room Hmm
Why is the idea of living with your own family once they’re over 18 so abhorrent?

IAmNotAWitch · 05/10/2017 22:10

I don't know. I am 40 and could call my mum and move home at anytime, I wouldn't take the piss though.

I think I would feel the same way about my kids but also would assume they wouldn't take the piss.

I would probably say yes but charge the going rate for rent/utilities/add some extra on for food and cooking etc.

Each family is different though.

Summerswallow · 05/10/2017 22:11

We were always sure we had a welcome in our home if we needed to move back in, but that it would be temporary, til we got back on our feet or for a year just to quickly save up money, because as adults, we wouldn't want to be dependent on mum and living at home like children.

I don't think, from the set-ups I've seen, that it's emotionally that healthy for many young people to be staying home just because it's comfortable and a bit cheaper, it seems to clip their wings, make them less able to get out of the comfort zone again, and weirdly, the ones I know haven't all then gone on to save up tonnes of money, they have ended up with less well paid local jobs as they know they can pay very little at home. In other words, facilitating them to live at home into their late twenties/thirties and now even approaching their forties has just facilitated their dependence. Bit different if they are ill of course, but that's not the case here.

I'd say- fine for six months to a year, to save for a deposit/get money together for a flat. Long-term, not a chance, I don't think it gives adult children the best chance in life to make their lives too easy and boring and centred on where their parents live geographically.

storynanny · 05/10/2017 22:11

I understand that as you get older it is harder to adjust back to living with young afult children. Im 61 and I would find it hard but... i wouldnt say no as others have said it doesnt end at 18 it just changes.

BuggersMuddle · 05/10/2017 22:12

You don't sound great in your OP, particularly given youngest has just left (eldest may well think: 'what's the difference').

How about a compromise. He stays with you and pays decent rent / does his own cooking and laundry during his probation period (presumably 3 months?). During that time he needs to look for a more convenient flatshare / rental. This is of course on the assumption that he can't take the local job from his current flatshare.

Within that period you could charge a fair amount for board so it's not an easy option, but if you don't need it, you could give him back the 'profit' when he moves out.

storynanny · 05/10/2017 22:13

But not good for a young adult to revert to being teenager style!

TheFairyCaravan · 05/10/2017 22:13

We've got 2 sons (22 &20). One's in the army the other is in his 3rd year at uni. We don't consider them "moved out" yet. Their rooms are here for when they want them. If DS2 wants to apply for a job locally, great, he can move back in no questions asked.

I don't understand you, tbh. DS1 has really cheap rent on his barracks so he's got a lot of money saved towards a deposit for a house. The only way DS2 will be able to do that is if he moves back home. I wouldn't begrudge sticking his underpants in the washer when I put ours in either.

If my kids need to move back in when they're 40 that's fine by me.

AdoraBell · 05/10/2017 22:14

So he has a job now and just wants to move jobs because moving back into his old bedroom would be dirt cheap?

YANBU OP. Yes, he is your child, but he is an adult and has been living independently. That’s what growing up is, moving on from the cosy nest and making your own way.

honeybeetheoneandonly · 05/10/2017 22:14

I would have a chat with him. How does he imagine this will work? I would outright ask about laundry/food/cleaning etc.
How much money does he want to save? At which point is it enough to live independently again?
See what he says then you can always say you need to have a think about it, before informing him it's not going to happen. Chances are he hasn't really put much thought into it.
You can remind him gently how much tension there was when you lived together and you really don't want to go back to that.
Alternatively, you can always agree on a month long trial period to see if things have changed, but I think it would be much more damaging to your relationship to have a crap time and having to ask him to leave than not having him move back in first place.
Might be an idea to just tell him, it's a great idea to come back home where it's cheaper to live and you will collect the rental section in the local paper for him. :)

LewisThere · 05/10/2017 22:15

The thing I could do that wth my mum and dad too and I'm way older than the OP's dc.
BUT and that's. Big but, I would never ASSUME I could. I would also assume that I would need to help, laundry is mine (or shared so I would be doing some of it too) etc...

Which is a different scenario than the OP is describing where her ds is taking her (and her DH) for granted.
And that would annoy me a heel of a lot TBH.

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