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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ban son from moving back in?

471 replies

Boxset67 · 05/10/2017 21:08

I'm married with three sons 24, 21 and 18. All three have left home (youngest to uni last month) and I have to say we are enjoying life as a married couple despite the nest being empty! The eldest has lived away from home since he started uni, and has this week decided he is going to apply for a job close to us, and move back in to save money! I should add he hasn't asked, he's just decided he will be better off financially, and is expecting us to welcome him with open arms! Quite honestly, I'm horrified at the prospect. I don't want to go back to doing his laundry or taking another person into account when deciding what to cook for dinner. On top of that we do clash quite a lot (get on better since he moved out!) and he's very untidy. I can see it working, and I don't think for one minute he will save money, just spend more on going out and going on holiday! AIBU?

OP posts:
Benedikte2 · 05/10/2017 23:28

If his reasons for mo vying back home are purely financial then tell him the board will be £X which will negate any savings he will make. You will be doing him a favour in discouraging him to give up his current employment

Benedikte2 · 05/10/2017 23:29
  • moving
AndroidsConundrum · 05/10/2017 23:36

How can the OP make him grow up any more if he already lives away, has done for years, and presumably during that time did his own laundry and cooking?

MyBrilliantDisguise · 05/10/2017 23:38

But the OP knows that if he moves back in, he'll revert to being a teenager and she doesn't want to go through that again.

cakedup · 05/10/2017 23:38

I find this kind of attitude weird.

I remember when I left home at 18, my dad gave me a key and told me to keep it forever and use it anytime I wanted and that this would always be a home for me whatever the circumstances. I am 46 and know that I could turn up on his doorstep tomorrow with DS in tow and move in for as long as I liked. I will do the same for DS. My home is his home.

CaretakerToNuns · 05/10/2017 23:39

YANBU

It's your house, not his. He is a grown adult, for goodness sake - he needs to learn that he can't just be handed things on a plate.

JemimaLovesHamble · 05/10/2017 23:40

A child is for life?? I was under the impression that at some stage they became adults? I can only imagine my parents' horrified reactions if I told them I was moving back home!

Her son doesn't NEED to go home, he wants to go back home so that he doesn't have to pay rent or bills anymore. Very tempting I'm sure, but most adults just get on with it. Letting them regress isn't helping them.

CocoPuffsinGodMode · 05/10/2017 23:45

I also have a key to my parents house as do my siblings. We could any of us show up, dc in tow, but in an emergency, not just because I’ve decided I want to cut my outgoings!

MyBrilliantDisguise · 05/10/2017 23:48

My children each have a key and they've both come back for a few months at a time, but always because there's an end goal and they're saving up. I don't charge rent and I pay for all food etc, but there's no way I'd do that if they came home, were disrespectful and were really untidy.

There's a social contract between parent and child, but once they're a certain age the child has duties and responsibilities as well.

JemimaLovesHamble · 05/10/2017 23:51

If you do get worn down into agreeing, make it clear that he won't be coming home to play little boy. He'll contribute to bills, and do his share of cooking and cleaning like his parents.

AnathemaPulsifer · 05/10/2017 23:53

Clattering around at 4am after going clubbing? Sod that.

MammaTJ · 05/10/2017 23:55

I cannot imagine ever turning any of my DC away but as an adult he will surely be doing his own laundry, not expecting you to cook for him and so on. Maybe reduced expenses, if you can afford to support this, but not the same 'perks' as he got as a 'child' before leaving home for uni!

There has to be a compromise here, and it does not involve you doing everything as you did when he was younger.

Karen85 · 06/10/2017 00:01

I moved back in with my parents when i was 23 so I could save for a deposit on a house I'm glad my parents weren't like some of the posters on here

buttonhead101 · 06/10/2017 00:04

Yabu I would never turn my son away. If there were things I didn’t want to do I would tell him. Why on earth don’t you? Why can’t you be honest? And if you’re worried about having to do too much for him shouldn’t you have taught/told him to look after himself when he was a few years younger and living with you? Really strange that you haven’t equipped him for life. I feel that you only really have yourself to blame. Really strange post and attitude.

Nanny0gg · 06/10/2017 00:06

My children have moved out and back a few times as circumstances have changed, but not for long, thankfully.

They are all adult, they can all earn their own living and I didn't want to house-share when I was in my twenties. I really don't now I'm in my sixties.

I don't want other peoples' stuff all over the place. It's bad enough sharing the remote with DH, I'm not sharing it with the kids again. I don't want their opinions on my decor or anything else. It's my house and they've got their own.

Exceptions would be made in the event of illness, divorce or some other disaster. Otherwise, you are supposed to bring up your children to fly the nest, not set up permanent lifelong residence in it.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 06/10/2017 00:08

I think you need to have the chat with him and say that IF he were to move back in, it would be as a tenant - you would expect him to contribute rent, do his own washing, buy his own food and maintain respect for the rest of the household by keeping his stuff tidy. Any lapse in doing that and he'd have to leave again.

I can't be doing with these menchildren - you're actually doing him a favour by refusing to do any of his picking up for him, because otherwise, whenever he does get a partner/wife, he'll just expect her to carry on where you left off. These days, that's not a good attribute for a prospective partner/husband.

I have 2 DSs under 10 - they're both learning already that they need to help towards running the household for ALL of us - help with washing, help with tidying, help with kitchen chores (recycling, loading/unloading the dishwasher, washing up), sweeping etc. They'll be no use to anyone if they don't get that ingrained before they leave home!

timeisnotaline · 06/10/2017 00:12

Why is it you don't seem able to lay down some ground rules op? You just say 'well I do it for dh and I'm part time so he would expect it' This would be a complete non starter with my mum- she'd say I've done the long days for years of bringing up children, if you recall you were one of them. Now I'm part time for me, and because we can afford it with you lot all grown up and left. I do it for dh because I married him and he has looked after us for 40 years. You are my adult child and if you haven't got these basic skills then I've done this parenting thing wrong and you are about to learn. You can do laundry Tuesday and Saturday, we will provide meals Monday and Tuesday, you can cook for us all Wednesday , and the rest is as it comes as long as you contribute.

This just seems impossible to you, which is unfortunate.

JWrecks · 06/10/2017 00:22

I moved back in with my parents when i was 23 so I could save for a deposit on a house I'm glad my parents weren't like some of the posters on here

That's something completely different to just not wanting to pay rent because mum's house is cheaper living, though. Saving for a house is a very valid reason I think nearly any mum would be happy to help out with. It's nothing at all like simply deciding - without any discussion, much less asking - that you'll just go live with mum because you don't really enjoy having the responsibility of properly budgeting your money.

BackInTheRoom · 06/10/2017 00:27

No, YANBU. He wants more spending money so that's his choice. If he was threatened with being thrown onto the street then that's a different matter, I'd take him in. Your relationship with your DH is worth maintaining. If your DS causes arguments between you both then what?

HeebieJeebies456 · 06/10/2017 00:43

I should add he hasn't asked, he's just decided he will be better off financially, and is expecting us to welcome him with open arms!

Awww diddums! He doesn't enjoy having adult responsibilities? TOUGH SHIT!

There's a clear difference between moving back in for a short period and moving back in longterm/until you get married.
Mind you, if any woman was mad enough to take on a man/child like this, he would move her in as well......"gotta save for a house" being the excuse.

I've moved all round the UK, been unemployed/made redundant, been skint - yet i only moved back to mum's for 1 calendar month whilst waiting for my new rental to get finalised.

I think too many kids have been brought up to feel entitled to having a free/easy ride in life.
"You want to be a homeowner at 25/move your OH in to save for a deposit? Sure, mummy and daddy will facilitate that for you, why should you have to wait that bit longer or sacrifice anything?"

It's incredibly selfish and entitled, as an adult, to expect one's parents to be the ones constantly making personal sacrifices.
These will be the same entitled people who will expect an inheritance too....

JCo24 · 06/10/2017 00:45

I think you are being slightly unreasonable but I can see why.

I feel very lucky to know that my Mum still considers her house the family home and I would be able to move back whenever I needed. Something that (even at age 25 and have lived away for 4 years) I would consider if and when I want to save for a house. My Mum would love that she was helping me get onto the housing ladder even if it wasn’t directly financially.

Could that be what he is doing? Have you actually asked him his intentions? He might want to save for a property and not party and holiday.

JCo24 · 06/10/2017 00:49

HeebieJeebies456 You sound extremely cynical. No doubt you came from the generation that was handed everything but doesn’t realise it. And yes, I’m talking about the baby boomer’s children... Hmm

All we hear from the likes of you lot are “we were never handed anything, we had to work for it”, whilst simultaneously profiting from the free university education you received.

2017SoFarSoGood · 06/10/2017 00:59

I am quite astounded at all of you who are saying "but he is your child" or the like. He is an adult. A man. OP's child rearing days are behind her. It is ridiculous to expect that our children can just decide to move back in with us. First off, it is a discussion. Some may love it (I'd be delighted to get much more access to my grandchildren) but many will not. There is surely no obligation here, unless it is a situation where the health and well being is at risk?

Cheeky blighter just thinking HE gets to decide. Have a word with him, along with any other children you may have, just in case they wish to follow his example.

reflexfaith · 06/10/2017 01:23

he's just trying his luck, who wouldnt take a bit of a free ride if they could get it?
imo better for him in the long run if you dont let him :)

TrenchCoat · 06/10/2017 01:24

Yadnbu op. My SD got that idea into her head (but with her child in tow) for no other reason than thinking that she wouldnt have to pay full rent, bills and childcare costs (also thought we could provide free childcare) basically shirking all her responsibility as an adult
She firmly got told " No, that won't be happening!"
We sounded like a broken record after the amount of times that she hinted over about 3 or 4 years.....she's now finally got the message!

It would have been different if she had genuinely wanted to save for a deposit, was on the bones of her arse, homeless or some other sort of emergency, but with her mindset of " if I move back home I won't have to pay bills and I'll have more money to spend on me!"
Then absolutely not.