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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ban son from moving back in?

471 replies

Boxset67 · 05/10/2017 21:08

I'm married with three sons 24, 21 and 18. All three have left home (youngest to uni last month) and I have to say we are enjoying life as a married couple despite the nest being empty! The eldest has lived away from home since he started uni, and has this week decided he is going to apply for a job close to us, and move back in to save money! I should add he hasn't asked, he's just decided he will be better off financially, and is expecting us to welcome him with open arms! Quite honestly, I'm horrified at the prospect. I don't want to go back to doing his laundry or taking another person into account when deciding what to cook for dinner. On top of that we do clash quite a lot (get on better since he moved out!) and he's very untidy. I can see it working, and I don't think for one minute he will save money, just spend more on going out and going on holiday! AIBU?

OP posts:
PerfectlyPooPoo · 05/10/2017 21:34

You don't really sound like you like him. A damn cheek to think he can live with his parents?

I'm 40 and will need to move back in with DP when I relocate back to my home country!

Bet you'll be on here in 5 years time saying your DIL doesn't like you and not know why but your ds will have filled her in.

gingerbreadmam · 05/10/2017 21:36

my parents would never turn me away even in my 30s. in fact my dad would probably welcome me back with open arms

i know it will be hard and life changing for you but if you lay down ground rules e.g. own laundry and buy and prepare own meals then charge lodge it might not be all that bad?

maybe he will work on saving a deposit to buy a house?

MrsMozart · 05/10/2017 21:37

Whilst we'll always have a space four our children, if one of them was so rude as to assume they could move back in just because they wanted to ease their finances, without there being an actual need, then they'd be getting short shrift.

Aquamarine1029 · 05/10/2017 21:37

You are not being unreasonable at all, and allowing him to move back only for his own convenience wouldn't be doing him any favors. He's an adult, gainfully employed, and he needs to act like it. Now, if there were serious issues and he desperately needed to move home for a while so he could get back on his feet, that would be different.

FenceSitter01 · 05/10/2017 21:38

I never cease to me jaw droppingly shocked at how much some posters seem to dislike their kith and kin, and really won't help their children.

AIMGA · 05/10/2017 21:39

This - become nudists

😂😂😂

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 05/10/2017 21:39

OK, so you know your DS is going to be a CF. You know he needs to learn to live within his means instead of sponging off others.

Your other children will no doubt be exceptionally pissed off if you effectively give DS free money.

Are you finding it hard to say no to him?

Original poster
Boxset67 · 05/10/2017 21:40

perfectlypoopoo I can assure you I do like him. We have different outlooks on life but I have bent over backwards to support him (and the other two) all through uni so I hope that not wanting him back home at 24 doesn't negate everything I've done for him up to now. To be honest, if I thought it was for a limited timeframe I'd be more likely to consider it, but I feel that he would get used to having loads of cash to spend and never want to move back out!

OP posts:
existentialmoment · 05/10/2017 21:40

I'm 40 and will need to move back in with DP when I relocate back to my home country!

I hope you at least asked them first?

Original poster
Boxset67 · 05/10/2017 21:42

runrabbitrunrabbit we have not had the chance to discuss it face to face yet. Couldn't be doing with discussing it over the phone so will do when I see him next week.

OP posts:
Bonelessbanquet · 05/10/2017 21:42

I moved home in my 20's, I was fed up of renting but couldn't save up enough on my own for a mortgage. Luckily DPs let me back home so I could get a deposit together.

Is that his long term goal maybe?

WickedLazy · 05/10/2017 21:43

PerfectlyPooPoo that was uncalled for. Op has already said it would be different if he'd lost his job etc. He doesn't need to move back, op suspects he'd use any money saved on holidays and other non essential things. Also, I think if op let him live there, without paying anything, and did his laundry and stuff, she would be setting him up to be a manchild with a cocklodger mindset. Which future dil won't thank her for!

Valentine2 · 05/10/2017 21:46

In your place, I will set strict ground rules. Sorry but if he wasn't doing his laundry at 18 (when he left presumably), it is about time his own mum teaches him before a girl friend comes along and he keeps the same expectations. Just set strict ground rules.
It will also help him save for a house so may be that is his true intention?

C8H10N4O2 · 05/10/2017 21:47

Bet you'll be on here in 5 years time saying your DIL doesn't like you and not know why but your ds will have filled her in.

If she ends up playing housekeeper for a 24 yr old its far more likely the DiL will be posting about her manchild who does nothing around the house because he never was expected to at home.

OP: if you have a serious discussion about boundaries, expectations and responsibilities is he likely to stick to them? Is this part of an effort to save up for a deposit on buying somewhere?

I've had mine home at varying times and loved it but the big difference was they took their share of helping around the house and never expected housekeeping services. They were expected to behave like adults sharing in running a home and did so.

I would not have tolerated the kind of behaviour you describe in an adult and there is no reason why you should from a 24 yr old entirely capable of looking after himself.

SheSparkles · 05/10/2017 21:47

YABU. I can't envisage a time when I'd ever refuse to let one of mine come back to live HOWEVER there would be a serious discussion about expectations on both sides...it would very much be about adults sharing a house as opposed to moving back in with us and picking up where they left off!

existentialmoment · 05/10/2017 21:47

Strict ground rules such as no, you are not moving in?

OP does not want her adult child, who is adequately housed and self sufficient to come back and live with her. Why are so many telling her she should do so anyway?

Headofthehive55 · 05/10/2017 21:48

Maybe he wants to save for a deposit?

IrritatedUser1960 · 05/10/2017 21:50

Why would you be doing his laundry and cooking? My son did his laundry and ironing from 13 onwards and we took turns cooking.
I'd love to have him home, he does more cleaning than me.

LewisThere · 05/10/2017 21:50

Several issues there

  • he is assuming he can just move back in and isn't even asking you if you are OK with it. He is cleariybtaking you for granted
  • you are assuming you will end up doing his washing, all the cooking etc. Why?? I'm sure he is used to have his know washing baske t in his room as well as cooking.
He could easily cook at the weekend for all three of you for example.
  • you are also assuming that when he comes back home, the rules for the house will have to be the same than when he was a teen. Which cannot be the same. At the very least, he will have a gf somewhere, will wat to invite friends over etc.. How would that work??
caringcarer · 05/10/2017 21:52

YABVU. He is your child and he may only need a bit of help/time and would most likely do his own laundry/cooking. My sons of 30 and 23 still live at home albeit in a loft conversion area they share. They do their own laundry and some of their own cooking or eat out. I like having them about. They help me out too. If I leave washing on line and it rains and one of them is at home he will pick it in etc. and empty bins, hoover stairs when asked. My home will always be open house to all of my children.

Lanaorana2 · 05/10/2017 21:52

My parents charged me a fortune for B&B when I was DS' age and didn't have much money. I moved out asap.

Now they're getting on, guess who's forgotten the 'You're on your own ,mate' agenda - the family agenda that they set. They have, funnily enough.

I haven't.

Maelstrop · 05/10/2017 21:54

Yes, tell him rent will be lots more than his flat to include bills etc. I don't see why parents should support kids forever more, particularly as he only sees this as a way to save money.

LewisThere · 05/10/2017 21:54

Tbh I'm amazed HE wants to come back....
Not because he wouldn't get in well with the OP.
But because once you've tasted freedom and being able to do things the way you're u wat, it's always hard to go back to a situation where you have to follow someone else rules. Which would be the case if he was moving in back with his parents.

Unless he is also expecting to be able to do things his way with no consideration about what the OP and his dad want...

existentialmoment · 05/10/2017 21:54

My parents charged me a fortune for B&B when I was DS' age and didn't have much money. I moved out asap

Well if you were 24, you clearly needed the nudge to grow the hell up and move out!

DeadGood · 05/10/2017 21:56

"I think he has a damn cheek... I feel at his age his finances should not be our problem!"

Pretty unimpressed at your attitude towards your own son. It is not unusual for people to move back home these days. It is expensive out there.