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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I was unreasonable to DH. AIBU to think he should forgive me?

295 replies

BarneyTheFuckOffDinosaur · 30/09/2017 19:16

DS is 4 weeks old. DH does a lot of the night feeds and two nights ago DS was crying every hour. Along with the noise of screaming, all I could hear was DH repeating "now now, never mind, never mind, now now" over and over again all fucking night. Now and again he'd mix it up with a bit of "do you have belly ache? Ummm? Belly ache? Is that what it is? Belly ache? Now now nevermind ... "

Last night DS woke up at midnight and the first thing DH said was "now now, never mind". I could actually feel the rage burning up inside me. We got back to sleep and 1.30 am it starts again, DS crying and DH repeating "do you have belly ache again? Now now nevermind ... "

So I snapped and said "can you stop repeating the same thing over and over again? It's driving me crazy". He didn't answer me but he shut up. DS wokevagain at 4am, DH picked him up and took him out of the bedroom, as he walked down the stairs i heard him say "belly ache?"

This morning I got up at 7am as we'd agreed and DH headed to bed. He got up again at 2pm, DS started crying so I started to sort a feed and heard DH say "never mind, mummy is coming to feed you, now now, never mind"

I totally lost my shit and embarrassingly went marching into the living room shouting "now now DH!!!! Never mind DH!!! Do you have belly ache again??? Awwww never mind!!! Now now!!!" The more i went on the angrier I was getting. DH snapped "what are you fucking on about now?" And I carried on repeating his phrases. He stood up and said "well what do you want me to say to him for fucksake? He's 4 weeks old!" So I screamed at him "it's not always fucking belly ache! Just fuck off out, you're so annoying". So he grabbed his coat and left shouting "crazy cow" behind him.

After I calmed down I felt really guilty and text him to ask him to come home and said I was sorry. He's come home but he's refusing to speak to me and I said now handling DS silently and not speaking to him either. I know I was unreasonable and have apologised but he's dragging it on. AIBU to think he should get over it now?

OP posts:
Allthewaves · 30/09/2017 19:19

I think you need to give home some space. He's probably still super cross. He's trying his best, doing his share and prob just as tired as you. Leave him be and eat humble pie for a couple of days

early30smum · 30/09/2017 19:19

In the most gentle way- are you ok? I really don't mean that to sound patronising but it sounds like a massive overreaction on your part. Having a 4 week old baby is bloody exhausting. Flowers hope you and DH can talk.

Katedotness1963 · 30/09/2017 19:19

After being spoke to like that I'd have not come home, never mind forgiven it straight away.

HoneyIshrunkthebiscuit · 30/09/2017 19:19

You completely over reacted and treated him pretty appallingly to be honest. I wouldn't forgive you just because you said sorry.

Winterfellismyhome · 30/09/2017 19:21

You were SO unreasonable, he was only trying to comfort the baby. Obviously newborns are difficult so both of you must be stressed. Would you forgive him so quickly if he had done the same to you?
Personally i would more time to stop feeling angry at my parter

RJnomore1 · 30/09/2017 19:21

Okayyy

You were out of order.

BUT and it's a big but, you gave birth four weeks ago. How are you?

CatsOclock · 30/09/2017 19:21

Oh dear. I can see the annoyance. However, I would take yourself over to some of the threads where the husbands do sweet fa to help. Your dh sounds like a treasure by comparison. He's bound to be upset now and to need some time. Hopefully, he'll blame your hormones and move on soon.

MyBrilliantDisguise · 30/09/2017 19:21

I think he sounds lovely and caring. Yes, it's annoying if someone says the same thing over again, but he wasn't talking to you and your four week old baby wouldn't mind.

But you are four weeks post natal, so your mood will be all over the place. Yes, you should ask forgiveness and yes, he should come back and accept it.

Ecureuil · 30/09/2017 19:22

I certainly wouldn’t be instantly forgiving my DH for talking to me like that when I was dealing with night feeds.

Hadjab · 30/09/2017 19:22

YABVVU. Ummm, I would direct you to the post from Friday from the poster who's husband does fuck all. He's helping the best he can, it may be annoying, but at least he's helping. Cut him some slack.

BarbarianMum · 30/09/2017 19:22

Um, if dh had said that to me I'd have slung his sorry arse out for a few days whilst I "got over it". He gets to forgive you in his own time.

Quartz2208 · 30/09/2017 19:22

I agree are you ok, you could have pnd?

Otherwise you were frankly abusive and horrible you can't expect him instantly to get over it particularly as I don't think he did much wrong

GummyGoddess · 30/09/2017 19:23

I'm sorry, I couldn't help laughing as I did something similar, although never got to shrieking. Dh kept going "oh no, oh dear" and after about three days I snapped and said I was going to strangle him if he kept saying it, I was so angry.

Dh has forgiven me for it and ascribed the unreasonableness to hormones after having a baby.

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 30/09/2017 19:23

Wow. It would take me a long long time to get over that.

Gorgosparta · 30/09/2017 19:24

So he is doing most of the night feeds and you are kicking off at how he talks when he does it.

I would give you more understanding if you were the one not getting sleep at night. But honestly, if dh ever spoke to me like that because i irritated him while doimg most of the night feeds i dont think i could forgive him.

I really think you need help. Thats really not ok.

And non of this is about 'poor man doing night feeds'. Its about you thinking its ok to act like that and dont even have sleepless nights to blame. Its good he is doing the nightfeeds. My dh did half so we both got a few hours.

Longdistance · 30/09/2017 19:25

Bloody hell, your Dhs a saint, he deserves a medal.

My Dh never got up in the night, though I was bf, but still could've got his arse up and helped. You're one lucky lady to get help from your Dh. Shame mine was useless Hmm

SquidgeyMidgey · 30/09/2017 19:25

You were vvu. He was just doing the soothing mindless coo for the baby. You're also bu to expect him to be ok just because you said sorry and think it's time to move on now because it suits you.

On a parallel, I was an utter headcase one month in and ready to walk out or kill someone. Do you need someone to lean on? Flowers

Kochicoo · 30/09/2017 19:25

You're no doubt utterly exhausted and of course lots of us have, I'm sure, unreasonably snapped at loved ones during those first 6 weeks when you often feel like you're in a washing machine on spin cycle. Just explain about that and hormones and ask him to please give you a pass this one time. Good luck.

MadMags · 30/09/2017 19:26

He's helping the best he can, it may be annoying, but at least he's helping. Cut him some slack.

He's not helping. He's parenting his own child. Hmm

You were VVU, OP. But you're four weeks post-partum.

He's allowed to be annoyed for a while. You don't get to decide that he has to get over it now when you've decided!

Albertschair · 30/09/2017 19:26

You over reacted. He was soothing his child. Repetative phrases are enjoyed by babies and are soothing and don't require any thought by the parent so they can try to work out what is wrong.

If you don't like it, you do the feeds and the soothing.

I get you are tired. But major over reaction on your part. If I'd been spoken to like that I wouldn't come home.

You have a lot of apologising to do. And working out how to respond in future like a grown up when something gets on your nerves. You are allowed to be irritated. Toy aren't allowed to react like that. You threw him out of the house for trying to soothe his child.

Roomster101 · 30/09/2017 19:26

Oh dear. I think you should grovel a bit more to be honest.... He can "get over it" if/when he feels like it.

ambereeree · 30/09/2017 19:28

Yeah you were really horrible. But tired and hormonal too.

EnidColeslaw771 · 30/09/2017 19:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

timeisnotaline · 30/09/2017 19:29

I agree more grovelling required! He can say whatever rubbish he wants to the baby if he is up with it at night!

FlandersRocks · 30/09/2017 19:29

If only you reversed the sexes in this and your dh had shouted at you in that way whilst you had the baby, you'd be being told to LTB and how domestic abuse often begins after birth and lots more.

Yes yabvu to expect him to suck it up. You treated him like shit, you shouted at him horribly when all he's actually doing is caring for your baby - your irritation is just that, yours, and he's not done anything wrong to warrant your behaviour.

Apologise and grovel and give him some space and try harder to keep hold of your temper in future.