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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I was unreasonable to DH. AIBU to think he should forgive me?

295 replies

BarneyTheFuckOffDinosaur · 30/09/2017 19:16

DS is 4 weeks old. DH does a lot of the night feeds and two nights ago DS was crying every hour. Along with the noise of screaming, all I could hear was DH repeating "now now, never mind, never mind, now now" over and over again all fucking night. Now and again he'd mix it up with a bit of "do you have belly ache? Ummm? Belly ache? Is that what it is? Belly ache? Now now nevermind ... "

Last night DS woke up at midnight and the first thing DH said was "now now, never mind". I could actually feel the rage burning up inside me. We got back to sleep and 1.30 am it starts again, DS crying and DH repeating "do you have belly ache again? Now now nevermind ... "

So I snapped and said "can you stop repeating the same thing over and over again? It's driving me crazy". He didn't answer me but he shut up. DS wokevagain at 4am, DH picked him up and took him out of the bedroom, as he walked down the stairs i heard him say "belly ache?"

This morning I got up at 7am as we'd agreed and DH headed to bed. He got up again at 2pm, DS started crying so I started to sort a feed and heard DH say "never mind, mummy is coming to feed you, now now, never mind"

I totally lost my shit and embarrassingly went marching into the living room shouting "now now DH!!!! Never mind DH!!! Do you have belly ache again??? Awwww never mind!!! Now now!!!" The more i went on the angrier I was getting. DH snapped "what are you fucking on about now?" And I carried on repeating his phrases. He stood up and said "well what do you want me to say to him for fucksake? He's 4 weeks old!" So I screamed at him "it's not always fucking belly ache! Just fuck off out, you're so annoying". So he grabbed his coat and left shouting "crazy cow" behind him.

After I calmed down I felt really guilty and text him to ask him to come home and said I was sorry. He's come home but he's refusing to speak to me and I said now handling DS silently and not speaking to him either. I know I was unreasonable and have apologised but he's dragging it on. AIBU to think he should get over it now?

OP posts:
stitchglitched · 30/09/2017 20:26

You were unreasonable and he is bound to feel hurt. Hopefully you can apologise to him sincerely and make things right with him.

But can we please stop calling the DH a saint and telling the OP how lucky she is and how wonderful he is to be helping with the baby. I've never seen a woman doing night feeds for their child described like this.

stitchglitched · 30/09/2017 20:27

And can we please not suggest she gives him a fucking blow job as a thank you for getting up and feeding his child. FFS.

AnUtterIdiot · 30/09/2017 20:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WetsTheVet · 30/09/2017 20:28

I totally understand it. I remember during one sleep deprived period with a newborn I had a massive go at my DH for coming back from the barbers with the same haircut as he always gets HmmConfused I was shouting and crying and calling him boring. His poor little face. We can laugh about it now!!

Smarshian · 30/09/2017 20:29

I went batshit at my husband countless times for seemingly teeny issues. I had undiagnosed pnd and was just so anxious and miserable that EVERY SINGLE THING irritated me to the point I couldn't get through a day without exploding at someone.

I suggest you visit your go if you are feeling rage - it could be pnd - it happens and can be helped quickly.

pallisers · 30/09/2017 20:29

4 weeks in your hormones haven't even returned to normal. Give her a break. OP, just do a more grovelly apology and remember you will look back at this some day and laugh about it.

And great your dh is doing night feeds. Nothing amazing or saint-like about it - just being a parent.

DearMrDilkington · 30/09/2017 20:31

This isn't a petty argument.

This was OP screaming and taking the piss out of how her dp speaks to their new born baby.

Absolutely horrible. The suggestion to give him a blow job is disgusting as well, does that make up for being emotionally abused?

Imagine a man did this, I'm sure somebody wouldn't suggest giving her a finger to cheer her up.

This whole thread is horrendous.

PippiLongstromp · 30/09/2017 20:32

Oh my goodness I cannot believe these v v unreasonable responses to you! Jeez. You are full of hormones, sleep deprived, just had a baby. It is totally understandable that you snapped under the circumstances. I mean come on people! Have you never shouted at your husbands with hormonal rage just because they annoy you? I think that is quite normal to be honest and your husband needs to learn to see through that, take one for the team so to speak. He is being a child. Explain to him what it's like to be you right now and that you need his support. Then hug each other please. It's just so hard life w a new baby! Flowers

MoseShrute · 30/09/2017 20:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MadamePomfrey · 30/09/2017 20:33

You know you are in the wrong and you have apologised that is a start. You were really out of line with him, lots of people repeat phrases to babies, some people think the repetitive sound helps, he wasn’t do anything that wrong. A text apology isn’t enough in my opinion imagine the roles were reversed and he spoke to you that way what you think was an appropriate apology?

Vintagebeads · 30/09/2017 20:34

Oh ffs you lots your shit after giving birth four weeks ago and having no sleep.You took it out on your DH.
There are reasons why sleep deprivation is used as a form of torture.
It happens,your sorry he should forgive you.
Mind yourself,you can feel like a stranger in your own body after a baby.

RonSwansonsMoustache · 30/09/2017 20:36

Being hormonal should not be an excuse to treat your partner like shit. OP might be recovering from birth but by her own admission, her husband is doing the majority of the night feeds and got up early with baby today, so he’s hardly having an easy time of it and getting his eight hours a night.

There’s a big difference between getting annoyed and upset at someone over something insignificant, and having a full-blown nasty rant and telling your partner to fuck off after they’ve been up all night with a newborn.

OP if you’re struggling, please see your GP. But don’t take it out on your husband and treat him the way you did. If a woman came on here and said her husband spoke to her the way you spoke to your DH, people would be screaming about emotional abuse starting after childbirth and telling you to leave him.

Tilapia · 30/09/2017 20:38

Ah this takes me back. This reminds me SO much of a ridiculous argument DH and I had in the middle of the night when we were both hideously sleep deprived and I said something sarcastic to him!

Don't worry OP. This is completely normal IMO. You'll both get over it. DH and I are still together 10 years later.

Flowers for both of you

Beeziekn33ze · 30/09/2017 20:39

I think your DS would prefer soothing nonsense to your shouting and screaming.

rwalker · 30/09/2017 20:40

wow grog she can't take back what she said. So apologising is not good enough what do you suggest for the way forward is .All you seem to be doing on this thread is picking fault with peoples offering of advice yet no alive of your own

ItsNiceItsDifferentItsUnusual · 30/09/2017 20:41

Oh blimey OP I can be a twat sometimes but I'm honestly quite shocked by this. I really don't understand why you would be so furious about him comforting your child. I think I'd have more sympathy if you weren't also basically cross that he hasn't accepted your apology asap.

I'm sure he'll forgive you soon but honestly try to appreciate him. NOT because he's doing anything amazing by looking after his own child, but purely because he loves his child just like you do, and that's always a beautiful thing.

Piratesandpants · 30/09/2017 20:41

What exactly did you want him to say in the middle of the night to a crying baby op? Recite poetry or something? I'm sure I said the same thing on a loop but for god sake I was doing my best, just like he is. The little cooey things you say or sing to your baby are very personal. He must be very, very hurt.

user1480267413 · 30/09/2017 20:41

Pippi. What on earth.!! This poor man is trying so hard. You are not in this world. The poor man is doing his best to be a good dad and partner. Surely, women are hormonal after and during pregnancy. it doesn't give anyone licence to tread on anyone else. He has emotions too!!

LRDtheFeministDragon · 30/09/2017 20:43

DP and I have both got totally nuts with each other with a newborn. The most ridiculous overreactions.

I don't think you can make him forgive you but I would, TBH, expect him to do it in fairly short order because you both need to be looking after the baby and not getting narky with each other.

LostFatherr · 30/09/2017 20:45

You've apologised. But you still said it. Give your DH some space to calm down. That is all.

Albertschair · 30/09/2017 20:46

pippi "Have you never shouted at your husbands with hormonal rage just because they annoy you? "

No. I haven't.

2littlemoos · 30/09/2017 20:47

When he's ready have a good talk. Tell him you're tired and adjusting to motherhood and therefore have become annoyed and snapped very easily, although it is not an exuse, it is a way for him to see why you acted like that - providing this isn't something you do often.

Also make a big deal out of how lovely he is for speaking to your DC like that and not annoying at all - it's just because your struggling - and to not let your outburst stop him from continuing and potentially even feeling uncomfortable doing so.

EsmeeMerlin · 30/09/2017 20:51

Well you did behave appallingly. My partner would not be so forgiving if I gave him a load of abuse and chucked him out of his home either.

Your partner does most of the feeds and if he chooses to say the same things to his son, then that's his choice. Just ignore and go back to sleep.

You should give him some space and not just tell him to get over it.

iamapixiebutnotaniceone · 30/09/2017 20:54

You know you were BU, I totally get where you are coming from though! I know and own that same rage and for me it comes from anxiety x

BoneyBackJefferson · 30/09/2017 20:54

I think that is quite normal to be honest and your husband needs to learn to see through that, take one for the team so to speak. He is being a child.

What a complete crock.