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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I was unreasonable to DH. AIBU to think he should forgive me?

295 replies

BarneyTheFuckOffDinosaur · 30/09/2017 19:16

DS is 4 weeks old. DH does a lot of the night feeds and two nights ago DS was crying every hour. Along with the noise of screaming, all I could hear was DH repeating "now now, never mind, never mind, now now" over and over again all fucking night. Now and again he'd mix it up with a bit of "do you have belly ache? Ummm? Belly ache? Is that what it is? Belly ache? Now now nevermind ... "

Last night DS woke up at midnight and the first thing DH said was "now now, never mind". I could actually feel the rage burning up inside me. We got back to sleep and 1.30 am it starts again, DS crying and DH repeating "do you have belly ache again? Now now nevermind ... "

So I snapped and said "can you stop repeating the same thing over and over again? It's driving me crazy". He didn't answer me but he shut up. DS wokevagain at 4am, DH picked him up and took him out of the bedroom, as he walked down the stairs i heard him say "belly ache?"

This morning I got up at 7am as we'd agreed and DH headed to bed. He got up again at 2pm, DS started crying so I started to sort a feed and heard DH say "never mind, mummy is coming to feed you, now now, never mind"

I totally lost my shit and embarrassingly went marching into the living room shouting "now now DH!!!! Never mind DH!!! Do you have belly ache again??? Awwww never mind!!! Now now!!!" The more i went on the angrier I was getting. DH snapped "what are you fucking on about now?" And I carried on repeating his phrases. He stood up and said "well what do you want me to say to him for fucksake? He's 4 weeks old!" So I screamed at him "it's not always fucking belly ache! Just fuck off out, you're so annoying". So he grabbed his coat and left shouting "crazy cow" behind him.

After I calmed down I felt really guilty and text him to ask him to come home and said I was sorry. He's come home but he's refusing to speak to me and I said now handling DS silently and not speaking to him either. I know I was unreasonable and have apologised but he's dragging it on. AIBU to think he should get over it now?

OP posts:
lalalalyra · 30/09/2017 19:55

How is he "dragging it on" if it happened at 2pm today?

Seriously? You lost the plot at him and ordered him out of your home. That'll take more than a sorry and a couple of hours. Especially if you sound as dismissive at home as you do on here.

StaplesCorner · 30/09/2017 19:56

"You're lucky to have a partner that sees himself as equal parent"

That's not luck, thats the least OP can expect. Palliser above has it right.

saoirse31 · 30/09/2017 19:57

Massive over reaction, I'd be so hurt if I was ur dh.

greendale17 · 30/09/2017 19:59

You were horrible and nasty.

Your husband sounds caring

opheliacat · 30/09/2017 19:59

I don't remember ever screaming at DH in quite the manner described here, but I did go storming out of a doctor's surgery when my oen DS was about 8 weeks, for no real reason I can remember. I was getting next to no sleep at all despite a 'supportive' DH (i will explain that in a minute) because I kept hearing the baby crying even when he wasn't. I was also being plagued by horrible and unsettling nightmares and the days didn't feel real.

My supportive husband stepped in and did everything and did it so well I couldn't compete. It actually stopped me bonding with DS for a long time because there was DH! It was extremely clever, because if I had objected, to the outside world I was a lazy bitch with a lovely, sweet if slightly anxious husband.

Reading between the lines with OP, we could well have C section, pains from that (I had a C section with DD, and the pain resulting from it still makes me wince 3 and a half years on) failed breast feeding, husband deliberately being loud and making a meal of getting up with DS. Or, we could have an idle, selfish, unpleasant woman, forcing her exhausted yet patient DH out of bed and laying into him for speaking to his child. We just do not know.

But yes, sometimes, if someone behaves like a dick anc it is an isolated incident, they say "you know what, I was such a knobhead then and I am so sorry." there is a lot to be said for accepting the apology and moving on. In the years I have been with DH there have been stupid arguments aplenty, the row about whether Peter Sutcliffe lived in Yorkshire or London, the eating crisps noisily vs a bad cough, an argument about going to Boots (I wanted some makeup and he said it was too far) and to be honest, unpleasant as they were at the fime, retrospectively many of them are fucking hilarious. So OP is not in itself being UR at all.

CakesRUs · 30/09/2017 20:01

He sounds really sweet and patient even though he's knackered too. It'd be such a shame if he stopped "talking" to his son in case he get's a verbal bashing. It'd be a shame for your son.

Gorgosparta · 30/09/2017 20:03

It was extremely clever, because if I had objected, to the outside world I was a lazy bitch with a lovely, sweet if slightly anxious husband.

So it would havr been better if he was shit? Are you suggesting he was only supporting to make you ferl shit? He planned it? How else would it be clever?

Are you honestly saying ots the dhs fault for being a good dad? He is setting the OP and trying to cause her problems.....by being a good dad.

Dottie39 · 30/09/2017 20:03

Is this a reverse?

If not how could you speak to your DH like that and then just expect him to get over it? He is doing his best and far more than most! Next time do the fucking night feed yourself and then his voice comforting your child might annoy you less!!!

user1499786242 · 30/09/2017 20:03

I'm sorry but your post really made me laugh
I want to say you're being completely unreasonable
But sometimes it's the little things that are the worst!
My husband does this yawn thing that literally cuts through me like a cheese wire... every night
To the point where if he does it near me I actually can't cope, loose the plot
I've threatened divorce over it...

AND you have just birthed a human being so you're extra fragile
I hope he forgives you and I hope you can learn to live with it! Bless him, he's trying!!

Branleuse · 30/09/2017 20:04

You know you were out of order. Are you feeling ok in general? Lack of sleep and postnatal hormones can make the best of us go a bit crazy. I think you need to grovel a bit, but I hope that your dp can forgive you as long as youre not normally so hot tempered

midnightmisssuki · 30/09/2017 20:05

yikes OP. You sounds terrible - he was trying to soothe the child, and you flew off the handle like that?

Sorry but if i were you DP i wouldnt forgive you in a hurry. You sound unhinged - please see someone if your struggling.

saoirse31 · 30/09/2017 20:06

How would you have felt op if he'd attacked you in such a horrible way, as in attacking the way you deal with your four week old baby?

I'd think you want to be making a genuine apology. I wonder too though is this is typical of your relationship with him.

Justaboy · 30/09/2017 20:08

Bit of both really its a bloody stressful time having young children around just been reminded with DD BF and grandchild here. Still others here to help out but its not surprising that man dosent under stand the stresses the woman is under and in this case woman overstressed the man concerned, lack of comms and understanding but life's not always that perfect!.

DearMrDilkington · 30/09/2017 20:08

You were really nasty.

He sounded like he was doing a brilliant job keeping calm with a screaming baby and did a good job trying to comfort him.

So you decided to start screaming at him and take the piss? It's probably shattered any confidence he had with his child.

Hormones are no excuse. Get your anger under control asap.

LillyLollyLandy · 30/09/2017 20:10

What was it that made you so angry?

user1480267413 · 30/09/2017 20:10

I can't believe you were so dreadful to the poor man! Don't you realise how lucky you are to have someone who cares enough to share the work? As someone who had to take total responsibility for my newborn and had a husband who was cross if his dinner wasn't on time when he deigned to arrive home from the office (then pub!) I cringe on his behalf. Be very grateful.

opheliacat · 30/09/2017 20:11

Read my penultimate paragraph in the post you started squawking about Gorgo

LondonLassInTheCountry · 30/09/2017 20:15

He is amazing to be doing night feeds and is just as tired as you.

He is tslking to him, diesnt matter what words he says, some people find it difficult to talk to a baby

I feel sorry for him. Sorry

Lules · 30/09/2017 20:18

In an awful way this made me laugh as it's quite reminiscent of conversations I've been having with my DH recently. (I gave birth 9 days ago). We'll all get through it. But expecting him to be over it this soon is a bit optimistic.

rightnowimpissed · 30/09/2017 20:20

TBH you are a crackly cow, fuck sake try getting up in the night yourself if you don’t want him to talk to the baby then deal with him yourself Jesus, idve done more than call you names, very very horrible

Quimby · 30/09/2017 20:22

Wow, you were nasty

Your husband seems to be handling this a lot better than is probably warranted

tillytown · 30/09/2017 20:22

Op, you don't sound nasty, you sound tired. Caring for a new born is hard, boring, and exhausting, and I guess some posters have forgotten that.
Apologise again, and then move on. Everyone has petty arguments in the months after a baby is born, there's no point dragging it out and getting more upset with each other.

pallisers · 30/09/2017 20:23

He is amazing to be doing night feeds and is just as tired as you.

why is he amazing?

mumtri · 30/09/2017 20:25

Just bring forward the steak and bj day... thank him for helping with the nights and then get a good nights sleep!

Mustang27 · 30/09/2017 20:26

Oh god you have probably really dunted any confidence he has had caring for his baby. I’d have killed to be in your situation but my oh was utterly useless. He didn’t do one night and at 2.5 years on I still don’t even get a lie in on a weekend morning. Seriously though it was bugging you, why are you so angry? I think there might be more to this,do you normally overreact? If this is out of character for you maybe a wee trip to the gp or a discussion with your health visitor ASAP just incase.

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