I was unreasonable to DH. AIBU to think he should forgive me?

[BarneyTheFuckOffDinosaur]

DS is 4 weeks old. DH does a lot of the night feeds and two nights ago DS was crying every hour. Along with the noise of screaming, all I could hear was DH repeating "now now, never mind, never mind, now now" over and over again all fucking night. Now and again he'd mix it up with a bit of "do you have belly ache? Ummm? Belly ache? Is that what it is? Belly ache? Now now nevermind ... "

Last night DS woke up at midnight and the first thing DH said was "now now, never mind". I could actually feel the rage burning up inside me. We got back to sleep and 1.30 am it starts again, DS crying and DH repeating "do you have belly ache again? Now now nevermind ... "

So I snapped and said "can you stop repeating the same thing over and over again? It's driving me crazy". He didn't answer me but he shut up. DS wokevagain at 4am, DH picked him up and took him out of the bedroom, as he walked down the stairs i heard him say "belly ache?"

This morning I got up at 7am as we'd agreed and DH headed to bed. He got up again at 2pm, DS started crying so I started to sort a feed and heard DH say "never mind, mummy is coming to feed you, now now, never mind"

I totally lost my shit and embarrassingly went marching into the living room shouting "now now DH!!!! Never mind DH!!! Do you have belly ache again??? Awwww never mind!!! Now now!!!" The more i went on the angrier I was getting. DH snapped "what are you fucking on about now?" And I carried on repeating his phrases. He stood up and said "well what do you want me to say to him for fucksake? He's 4 weeks old!" So I screamed at him "it's not always fucking belly ache! Just fuck off out, you're so annoying". So he grabbed his coat and left shouting "crazy cow" behind him.

After I calmed down I felt really guilty and text him to ask him to come home and said I was sorry. He's come home but he's refusing to speak to me and I said now handling DS silently and not speaking to him either. I know I was unreasonable and have apologised but he's dragging it on. AIBU to think he should get over it now?

oh god.
I remember my DH spending ages to get our crotchety baby to sleep. Ages. Singing, rocking, he did everything. Baby was BF so he couldn't do that but he tried so hard.
He tiptoed back in with the Moses basket, he set it oh so carefully on the stand, he tiptoed out...it was a complete triumph.
Then baby started uhuh.....uhuh....uhuh....waaahh and I went absolutely beserk at poor DH.

Now baby is a bad tempered 18 year old this is one of the stories we laugh at. Don't be too hard at yourself or him.

I didn't have PND, I had PNAnger. A low level of seething that went on for far, far longer than it should have, until eventually (years later) I started on a low dose of anti-depressant.

OK... I did have PND, and it manifested as anger/anxiety. And I've shouted from time to time. And when I've calmed down I've apologised and we've talked through stuff; but nothing worked until I admitted that my emotional state wasn't what it had been before birth. Don't underestimate this as a potential PND. There were 2 of us out of 8 in my NCT group with anger-PND and another 2 with depression-PND.

Your DH can say whatever he likes when he's the one up and doing the 'pat,pat,pat, rub, rub, rub' with a unsettled baby. As I EBF I did all the night wakings for the first year for my 2 and I said all kinds of weird stuff, singing the same song for an hour or more etc. Sometimes saying things about tummy aches and teething is a way of pointing out that whatever is going on will pass - to yourself.

Yes you've apologised, but he's probably knackered too. Sit down, apologise again and ask if you can discuss potential coping-mechanisms for the nights/tiredness, for you both.

Wow you are awful! Can you hear yourself?? your DH is getting up with a 4 week old all night without complaining or asking for help and your whinging about what he says to the baby??!! Either you aren't correct ig. And need some assistance or if this is just you then how on earth do you have a DH?!

Yes you were horrible but what are you going to do now you have had that confirmed?

He is humiliated and hurt. He can't even care for his own baby right (well he can from what you have said, but you've told him he can't).

I can't get over how mean you have been and I'm only reading it. Much much more apology required. You also need to build him up again, just like he would need to for you if the roles were reversed. if the roles were reversed it would be red flag this and ltb that to be honest

He's home, he's working as a team at the weekend, he's communicating with baby... don't be surprised if he starts asking you what to do and how to do it for every little thing after this outburst. You really really messed up.

No he should not be over it yet. He needs time to heal.

Just apologise again , tell him you have the post natal hormonal crazies and be nice

This shall pass and the problem with with a newborn 4 weeks feels like 4 months !

And yeah ignore most of the Resonses here too

Jesus ! People really do put the boot in

You are both exhausted and therefore unreasonable and tetchy.
Just say sorry - explain you were exhausted and just can't cope.
It's a rare man that helps out there are plenty on here myself included who are/were virtually single parents with a useless husband in tow.
I can't tell you how awful that is.
At least yours makes the effort.

now now OP never mind but seriously, the people saying this would be leapt on as abuse... I don't think being verbally "abusive" to someone once counts as an abusive relationship. A pattern of it yes, but I don't think one eruption makes it an abusive relationship (whereas I do think a single episode of violence does). Essentially, if it doesn't happen again I think it's not a problem, but he shouldn't be having to change how he speaks to the baby out of fear you'll react like that again so maybe make it absolutely clear that, as well as being very sorry for snapping, you don't expect him to modify his behavior at all as it was not the problem in any way. And also be as kind as possible t yourself, and to him, the early days are haaard. And definitely, if you suffer from a lot to of (usually) repressed anger then check you don't have PND...

And I say the above as someone who was in an emotionally abusive relationship and is very wary, and I still think everyone deserves a free pass because on verbal explosions (without physical intimidation) ONCE

I agree that anger is a part of PND - I had bouts of irrational anger and couldn't understand it at all. I didn't go off at DH like OP did but we did go through a period where he felt like he was constantly walking on eggshells. I am extremely lucky that he realised that this wasn't normal and we got through it with help. I am not making excuses for OP - if it is anger due to PND she has to take responsibility for it and seek help.

Ok I believe people who say they have never shouted in hormonal rage at their husbands! Fair enough. But I think it's quite normal, quite common, and for those who do lose their rag in those types of situations it really does not mean very much. I feel the majority of posters are trying to shame OP because they cannot begin to imagine what it is like to raise their voices. And in my opinion, people who do not express their anger and irritation, because we all feel it for time to time let's not lie, direct it inwards instead where it really does not do a lot of good either, not for yourself or your relationship. Let's be real people. And stop this faux shock horror reaction.

You know you were in the wrong & maybe he needs a bit longer to lick his wounds. If you're genuinely apologetic he'll come round. Hopefully he'll understand you're not yourself at the moment.

As an aside ... I can't believe the credit this guy is getting for pulling his weight. Honestly shocked. Why is so little expected?

Hormones or no hormones, you were an abusive ass. If I were him, I wouldn't have been coming back so quick after being raged at for doing nothing but pulling my weight! I think it's probably been a bit of an eye opener for him. You haven't got a leg to stand on, and the ball's in his court over when he decides to start acting like normal.

Justanother I agree it's sad so little is expected that just showing up for his kid gets him a round of awed applause, but frankly I think very few men live up to one's hopes and expectations in the 'parenting a newborn' stakes (not least because most people have no real idea just how draining and intense recovering from childbirth whilst getting to grips with parenthood is until you're doing it, so you base your "what you think they're capable of" assessment on what you think you'll need from them, which certainly in my case fell miles short of what I actually needed from my OH in the event!).

You could of course say that women ought to know what they're like beforehand and not have kids with them, or LTB. But the epidemic of knackered, frustrated and undrsupported first time mums on these boards suggests that if most women took that high road, they'd struggle to find anyone to raise children with! Perhaps the women with unicorn husbands would like to share?

Wow. You sound like hard work, especially considering your DH is doing a lot of work!
He was only trying to comfort the baby.

I think a better path is just saying "this is what I need you to do" WITHOUT GUILT and ignore any eye-rolling or reluctance - a half decent bloke will under such circumstances just get on with it. Not ideal obvs, but better than doing everything onesself out of a misplaced sense of awkwardness/bloody-mindedness/"he should just offer to do it" then stewing in fury because you're doing it all yourself!

Ear plugs for parent not on duty. More sleep all round.

DS is 4 weeks old & so I'm guessing DH is back to work already?
& still helping out with a lot of night feeds?
I am still guilty of repeatitively assuring my 8mo that "I know, I know baby, mummy knows".
It's a laughing point between me & DH because neither of us know what it is I actually know. But it's better than telling my crying babe to stfu because I don't know what else to say.
My DH pisses me off daily, I'm sure I do him. But no matter how exhausted I am(I've slept approx 10 hours since Monday!!) I never fail to let a day go by that I don't appreciate something he does for me. He chooses to do this. No, he's not a hero. But nor am I. & he is making an effort to try & make my life easier. He doesn't have to.
It's so easy to take each other for granted. But just having had a baby doesn't excuse being mean. Appreciate each other. You're in it together.

I think it's really sad that people actually believe this behaviour to be normal. People shouldn't treat each other this way. I'm very very wary of people though so I would give you one more chance but one only. I don't believe there is any excuse for such behaviour, I had a 4 week old and discovered my ex's affair but not once did I scream or shout at him. It isn't my style at all though to be fair.

That said, what's done is done. I think you should apologise, say it won't happen again and mean it. It's understandable he might need time to cool off as accepting your apology and going back to normal straight away would, in my opinion, send a message that he will allow himself to be spoken to like that.

I hope you two can resolve the situation. Yes, babies test us sometimes but it is a lot better to pull together and try and be a team.

OP I hope you are ok...

Spare room -

person on night shift sleeps nearest baby or in the room with baby (depending on your set up) and is on duty day 11pm till 6am and other person is in the spare room and is with baby from night feed until 11 and up with baby from 6am...

Say sorry and do seek GP help if you still feel stressed/anxious/not yourself

If it was just one of those things then put practical things in to help such as the above...and be kind to yourselves

The first few weeks of having a baby are really tough and the reality of it for us was that we both said things while sleep deprived that we wouldn’t normally have said and got annoyed about things that wouldn’t have bothered us normally.
Hope that you can sort it out and move forward knowing that it will get easier.

karmanomore

so much vitriol you do not seem sorry at all

Jog on. OP says she felt guilty, texted her DH to apologise, has tried talking to him, apolgised to him in person, and acknowledged in her OP AND in the title of her OP that she was unreasonable. What more do you want, blood? Are you so perfect that you've never had a meltdown?

You know that you were unreasonable and cruel to him. I can understand it insofar as 4 weeks post partum was definitely a hellish time for me when my DDs were that age.

Probably by pure luck, I didn't erupt in anything like the way you did, but I can be prone to overreaction at the best of times so I don't doubt that I would have been capable.

I think really that he is going to be very hurt, so you may need to give him time and space. Apologise profusely. Tell him how much you appreciate what he does, and how lovely it is to hear him both supporting you so well and trying to communicate with and soothe baby DS.

Try to be kind to yourself and to each other. I hope you can sort it.

lelapaletute -He is doing it without reluctance, he was getting up with the baby at night, why would she say this is what I need you to do, he wasn't doing anything wrong except talking to his 4 week old child comforting him which his wife has decided is wrong. It will be interesting to see if he get up again, I wonder if it's pnd or if she talks like this to him all the time?? The vitriol doesn't seem like it's out of character