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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I was unreasonable to DH. AIBU to think he should forgive me?

295 replies

BarneyTheFuckOffDinosaur · 30/09/2017 19:16

DS is 4 weeks old. DH does a lot of the night feeds and two nights ago DS was crying every hour. Along with the noise of screaming, all I could hear was DH repeating "now now, never mind, never mind, now now" over and over again all fucking night. Now and again he'd mix it up with a bit of "do you have belly ache? Ummm? Belly ache? Is that what it is? Belly ache? Now now nevermind ... "

Last night DS woke up at midnight and the first thing DH said was "now now, never mind". I could actually feel the rage burning up inside me. We got back to sleep and 1.30 am it starts again, DS crying and DH repeating "do you have belly ache again? Now now nevermind ... "

So I snapped and said "can you stop repeating the same thing over and over again? It's driving me crazy". He didn't answer me but he shut up. DS wokevagain at 4am, DH picked him up and took him out of the bedroom, as he walked down the stairs i heard him say "belly ache?"

This morning I got up at 7am as we'd agreed and DH headed to bed. He got up again at 2pm, DS started crying so I started to sort a feed and heard DH say "never mind, mummy is coming to feed you, now now, never mind"

I totally lost my shit and embarrassingly went marching into the living room shouting "now now DH!!!! Never mind DH!!! Do you have belly ache again??? Awwww never mind!!! Now now!!!" The more i went on the angrier I was getting. DH snapped "what are you fucking on about now?" And I carried on repeating his phrases. He stood up and said "well what do you want me to say to him for fucksake? He's 4 weeks old!" So I screamed at him "it's not always fucking belly ache! Just fuck off out, you're so annoying". So he grabbed his coat and left shouting "crazy cow" behind him.

After I calmed down I felt really guilty and text him to ask him to come home and said I was sorry. He's come home but he's refusing to speak to me and I said now handling DS silently and not speaking to him either. I know I was unreasonable and have apologised but he's dragging it on. AIBU to think he should get over it now?

OP posts:
TatterdemalionAspie · 01/10/2017 12:30

I have misophonia (and ASD) and a repetitive noise can drive me absolutely insane with rage. There is still no excuse whatsoever for treating your partner like that.

It wouldn't be so bad if you actually seemed genuinely sorry, but you don't. Not at all. Hmm

Gorgosparta · 01/10/2017 12:30

Fwiw i havent cannonised him. I have that said that a few times.

I live in a house and can hear whats going on in the other rooms. If you live in a flat you can.

Not all houses make it so you cant here whats going on round the house.

tinypop4 · 01/10/2017 12:31

DS wokevagain at 4am, DH picked him up and took him out of the bedroom

So did he take the baby out of the bedroom or not? It isn't entirely clear OP.

Tatiana1986 · 01/10/2017 12:42

Oh yeah, misophonia blah blah... new posh excuse for being a wanker, eh?

It's what my husband used to do to me, mock me, shout his head off for no reason, and it fucking hurts!

So dress it up in all the fancy phobias/disorders/snowflakery you want. There is no fucking good excuse for treating another human being like, especially one you're supposed to love Angry

Tatiana1986 · 01/10/2017 12:46

And I bet you any money, he forgives you and lets it slide, you'll do the same thing again and again. Because you know that some poxy 'sorry' will be enough, right?

bigfatbumfreak · 01/10/2017 12:57

You more than likely have PND. You need to see a GP. Rage at totally acceptable and caring behaviour is a huge red flag. I know from experience. It's annoying you because you feel like you don't have the same level of energy to do it. Get help.

Footle · 01/10/2017 13:20

Why do people keep saying ‘you’ll laugh about this later?’ It’s not funny now and it won’t be, later.

SparklyMagpie · 01/10/2017 13:32

Footle agree. If my partner/husband spoke to me like that, I wouldn't ever be laughing about it in the future

C8H10N4O2 · 01/10/2017 13:55

Oh yeah, misophonia blah blah... new posh excuse for being a wanker, eh?

When my youngest (very dyslexic) sibling was at primary his head teacher told my parents that dyslexia was a posh excuse for a below average child. Because he was too lazy to do a bit of homework and too ignorant to accept anything as real if he hadn't personally experienced it.

Luckily for my brother my parents found actual help. He achieved a MSc eventually.

Repeated sounds, like sleep deprivation, are used as methods of torture. Some people are more susceptible than others, the extreme form is misphonia.

Hopefully the OP and her DH will find more constructive help than most of the vile abuse this thread offers.

ilovegin112 · 01/10/2017 13:59

Ah because the majority of people think you were being unreasonable we now have a major drip feed about him sleeping all dayHmm

Jenala · 01/10/2017 14:08

It must have been so hard for you listening to the baby crying every hour while your DH tried to comfort him. AND having to listen to the same old phrases over and over? Dreadful.

I bet your DH loved holding a screaming baby for hours while listening to himself say the same thing over and over. He must have really enjoyed it.

In that situation me and DP would be taking turns as the other became stressed. Not just laid in bed moaning that the other one wasn't doing it right Hmm

All these people saying well she's just given birth or oh hormones... bullshit. That does not give you a free pass to be a total arsehole. Especially 4 bloody weeks on. You sound horrible.

FindingNemoandDory · 01/10/2017 14:20

As if nobody else has ever been unreasonable in their lives!

MaisieDotes · 01/10/2017 14:21

Why do people keep saying ‘you’ll laugh about this later?’ It’s not funny now and it won’t be, later.

Because hopefully for the OP and her DH this will be a one-off incident which comes to epitomise the craziness of the newborn days, and when they think of it at a future date they will think wtf?

What I was trying to suggest is that this is something that can be fixed, can be moved on from. No one's going to get pleasure from it, no.

Sayyouwill · 01/10/2017 14:28

You were a ratty bitch. Whether you have and excuse or not you were one. Eat some humble pie, apologise and keep your tail between your legs. He'll come around.
Then once you're friends again, explain that you need more sleep and why what he is doing isn't helping you and just be really (nicely) honest with him.

C8H10N4O2 · 01/10/2017 14:31

a major drip feed about him sleeping all day

One post. Because people assumed he was at work all day and being some kind of hero rather than a parent doing some parenting.

The fact remains, the OP is awake day and night and isn't allowed to object that his methods are keeping her awake because he is a poor manchild and she should be on her knees (literally according to one pp) that he does anything at all. Meanwhile he gets his solid 8 hrs every day.
This is exactly like the posts frustrated at their DP shrinking half the washing by doing it too hot and being told they should be grateful the poor manchild even knows where the washing machine.

She has been abused for swearing at him by posters who apparently failed to read the OP saying he swore at her first. I don't like that language between partners at all, however to criticise her for using the exact same words he used first is massive double standards.

wingerkite · 01/10/2017 14:40

The thing is, yes he's been doing most of the night feeds but never takes DS out of the bedroom so I lay awake when DS cries throughout the night anyway. I'm then up all day whilst DH gets to sleep in the bedroom alone most of the day

Swap roles then. Or sleep in a different room with earplugs.
There are solutions to this situation, remove yourself from it before you lose your shit. Kids will try your patience in a similar way many many times so you need some coping mechanisms.

Fwiw my dh is obsessed with wind and always thinks our ds is crying because of wind, it really annoys me but I just take deep breaths cos he's not actually doing anything wrong i'm just being tired and ratty.

Mittens1969 · 01/10/2017 14:45

I think the OP should have the ability to be assertive. Surely she can say that she needs some sleep? He manages to do that, so she's well capable of doing the same. It's all about communication, I think.

Rinoachicken · 01/10/2017 15:06

He needs to take the baby out the room when it wakes yes.

But I think YABU for expecting him to be ‘over it’ so quickly. I think you are underestimating how damaging what you did, and the. Way you did it, will have been.

The way you had a go at him was very personal, attacking his parenting at such an early stage, mimicking and mocking the way he is bonding with his new son. That is very personal and will have been very very hurtful on a deep level. I am not surprised he is now not saying anything, he doesn’t want you taking the piss again.

Much is made of the importance of building up the confidence of new mothers and not undermining what they are doing as they learn, but the same is true of fathers. His confidence in his abilities as a new father will have been really knocked. Not least because it’s you who has done the mocking. And that’s very sad that you have made him feel that way as a new father, sad for him, sad for your son. He will need time for his confidence to be regained, and sincere and gentle encouragement from you to sooth and bond with his son in whichever way feels right for him.

splendidisolation · 01/10/2017 15:11

@Rinoachicken
Completely agree. Whats sad is you've mocked him when he was being his most caring.

Thats really hurtful and sad. Actually as your partner I dont think I would forgive you ever to be honest. It was actually a very personal attack, not just random shouting or losing it.

Wontbedoingthatanytimesoon · 01/10/2017 15:11

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wingerkite · 01/10/2017 15:14

ht. Some lady said on Here how she's been sleeping on the sofa whilst her husband sleeps in their bed so she can do all the night feeds after having a bad birth.

That's got fuck all to do with it.

FindingNemoandDory · 01/10/2017 15:24

LOL @ last post

OP, what happened in the end? Is he back now? Sorry if I missed it

FindingNemoandDory · 01/10/2017 15:28

cross posted with wingerkite

Was LOLing as assuming one above now taken down was a joke

MoodyOne · 01/10/2017 15:30

Hi OP , I hope you are ok! 4 weeks is such a hard time , I think me and DH went a little delirious at around that time from sleep deprivation 😂
You will honestly look back and laugh at this , just give him the space he rightly or wrongly feels he needs.
Look after yourself and remember you just gave birth to an amazing human being ... I would tonight ask him to take the baby out of the room so you can have your turn of sleep.
My DH used to keep LO in his Moses basket and bring him up for feeds so I could get some rest sometimes, maybe you could have a nap this afternoon xx

Quartz2208 · 01/10/2017 15:54

Then you need to talk to him as the way you have it at the moment is not sustainable