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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I was unreasonable to DH. AIBU to think he should forgive me?

295 replies

BarneyTheFuckOffDinosaur · 30/09/2017 19:16

DS is 4 weeks old. DH does a lot of the night feeds and two nights ago DS was crying every hour. Along with the noise of screaming, all I could hear was DH repeating "now now, never mind, never mind, now now" over and over again all fucking night. Now and again he'd mix it up with a bit of "do you have belly ache? Ummm? Belly ache? Is that what it is? Belly ache? Now now nevermind ... "

Last night DS woke up at midnight and the first thing DH said was "now now, never mind". I could actually feel the rage burning up inside me. We got back to sleep and 1.30 am it starts again, DS crying and DH repeating "do you have belly ache again? Now now nevermind ... "

So I snapped and said "can you stop repeating the same thing over and over again? It's driving me crazy". He didn't answer me but he shut up. DS wokevagain at 4am, DH picked him up and took him out of the bedroom, as he walked down the stairs i heard him say "belly ache?"

This morning I got up at 7am as we'd agreed and DH headed to bed. He got up again at 2pm, DS started crying so I started to sort a feed and heard DH say "never mind, mummy is coming to feed you, now now, never mind"

I totally lost my shit and embarrassingly went marching into the living room shouting "now now DH!!!! Never mind DH!!! Do you have belly ache again??? Awwww never mind!!! Now now!!!" The more i went on the angrier I was getting. DH snapped "what are you fucking on about now?" And I carried on repeating his phrases. He stood up and said "well what do you want me to say to him for fucksake? He's 4 weeks old!" So I screamed at him "it's not always fucking belly ache! Just fuck off out, you're so annoying". So he grabbed his coat and left shouting "crazy cow" behind him.

After I calmed down I felt really guilty and text him to ask him to come home and said I was sorry. He's come home but he's refusing to speak to me and I said now handling DS silently and not speaking to him either. I know I was unreasonable and have apologised but he's dragging it on. AIBU to think he should get over it now?

OP posts:
Worriedrose · 30/09/2017 19:29

Christ
If a man had come on here and said that he had said that to his wife
All motherfucking hell would break loose
PND or no PND

GummyGoddess · 30/09/2017 19:29

To add to above, I did collapse on him in tears about two hours later as I felt so guilty but he didn't seem to mind. I assume that was the baby blues day?

NoFuckingRoomOnMyBroom · 30/09/2017 19:30

Wtf, feel very sorry for him tbh. Yes you gave birth 4 weeks ago but your behaviour is, quite frankly, appalling & no he shouldn't just instantly forgive you & get over it because you said sorry Hmm
As others have said, perhaps you should read a few of the threads where husbands do fuck all, maybe then you might give him the appreciation he warrants.

Hadjab · 30/09/2017 19:31

He's not helping. He's parenting his own child

Helping, parenting, same difference, you know what I meant, either way, she's being unreasonable

TroutySnouts · 30/09/2017 19:31

Your reaction was quite harsh, (which I'm sure you already know). Also, imagine how you'd feel if your OH had acted that way towards you.
BUT sleep deprivation can make things so hard and can make you act in ways you normally wouldn't. My DH and I barely fought before we had our son. He's 6 months now and we're only now consistently being nice to each other again. Try and have a talk with OH, and try to cut each other some slack.

CherryChasingDotMuncher · 30/09/2017 19:31

If a man had spoken to a woman like that I’d say he was an abusive arse and to LTB. However, the fundamental difference is that you’ve given birth and hormones send us loopy. Especially with a baby who doesn’t sleep. It’s not an excuse - you behaved terribly - but it’s understandable, and in any other situation it’s fair to say you wouldn’t have done that.

Give him space. Say sorry. And don’t do it again!

Shakey15000 · 30/09/2017 19:32

Ok, you know you were unreasonable and have apologised. It's up to him as to when he forgives/gets over it. All you can do in the meantime is be calm about it and wait.

He does sound a treasure though, so perhaps it won't be long.

DontBuyANewMumCashmere · 30/09/2017 19:33

Oh poor love that would have driven me crazy too and I still remember the early days when it didn't take much for me to irrationally hate DH.

I think you're just going to have to apologise sincerely again and remind him that you're a but of a hormonal not bed right now.

Sorry but I did physically laugh out loud at your post. It's tough at the beginning all the way through - at least he's trying to help.

trev1983 · 30/09/2017 19:33

Tiredness and post-natal emotions do craaaazzzzy things to us all.

But, honestly, as a third party it sounds like he is doing his best to be a great father and husband and you have been incredibly unkind to him.

One repetitive phrase that I have learnt to say in my head is "be kind to yourself and each other"

Always be kind.

Changingoftheguard · 30/09/2017 19:34

Reading this as an outsider I think you were being totally unreasonable, your dh was trying to comfort your son and he sounds like he's chipping in and really doing a great job!

But reading this as a mum of 2 u see 2 and the youngest being 12 weeks I can totally see why you snapped. Sleeo deprivation and hormones can do crazy things to us ladies and remember you only have birth 4 weeks ago, your body had been through the mill.

You definitely sound like you over reacted and I'd like to think you didn't just brush it under the rug, trust me there's been many a time I've done the same :-( feel like poop afterwards but you are both going through a big change.

I hope you and your dh sort it becaue he really does sound like he's doin his best

RedLemonade · 30/09/2017 19:34

Under any other circumstances I would say YABVVVU, but under yours I genuinely would be a bit concerned about post-natal depression. How are you feeling generally?

If you're managing pretty well and feeling alright in yourself then I think you need to grovel very much. I'd be deeply hurt if DH said anything like that to me. Repetition can be very soothing for babies. I say "there there there" ad nauseum to mine and rock in sync with it. I'd be morto if someone was scrutinising me.

Be kind to your DH and let him be kind to you too. It's a tough old time.

Theyhaveallbeenused2 · 30/09/2017 19:34

Sorry I think you are being massively unreasonable.. you are very lucky he is even doing night feeds and so caring towards ds.

DontBuyANewMumCashmere · 30/09/2017 19:34

A bit of a
hot bed
Tsk.... Hmm

Lethaldrizzle · 30/09/2017 19:35

I was breastfeeding so did all the night feeds so your dh sounds pretty awesome to me.....but having said that - cut yourself some slack, youve just had a baby, apologise and move on. But please appreciate what a helpful dh you have, yes I know he's parenting his own child but plenty of husbands don't do as much at night.

lelapaletute · 30/09/2017 19:35

Oh my word you were so unreasonable!!! I mean ok you are 4 weeks pp and he should cut you a bit of slack but sounds like he is doing everything right. He could be saying "bumble bumble bimble" for all he difference it makes to your DS - tone is all that matters. And he is taking care of the baby, apparently patiently and well - unlike a ridiculous number of new dads we read of on these pages - FGS put your ear plugs in and get your head down and be thankful you have the bloody option to do so!

He should forgive you and get on with it though. The early weeks with a baby are hard enough without an atmosphere (or senseless tantrums come to that...)

TheRealBiscuitAddict · 30/09/2017 19:35

I'd be telling you that you could do the night feeds in future.

Gorgosparta · 30/09/2017 19:35

BUT sleep deprivation can make things so hard and can make you act in ways you normally wouldn't.

The op said her dh does MOST of the night feeds. She isnt sleep deprived. If a man who doesnt do night feeds and still get woken when their wives getting up to the baby and then go to work blamed sleep deprivation for acting like this mn'ers would be calling him all sorts.

Ffs if a man doing an odd night feed even moaned about being tired at all mn'ers would rip him apart.

Believeitornot · 30/09/2017 19:35

Yabu

Saying the same mundane thing over and over helps to relax him and settle the baby.

Your dh sounds grand.

Parker231 · 30/09/2017 19:36

You owe your DH an apology.

whatsthecomingoverthehill · 30/09/2017 19:36

Forgiveness is not the same as just brushing it away and ignoring it. You can't expect him to be all hunky dory just because you said sorry. Give him time, it will be ok. And remember this so you don't do it again.

SparklyMagpie · 30/09/2017 19:37

In the nicest of ways, because I know how I was feeling at 4 weeks with a newborn, you was out of order. If only my son's dad was around an was helping me during the night and comforting our son.

I can imagine it would have driven me mad but I'd have loved to have my son"s dad there helping me.

Give him some time an space, it would take me a while to calm down after being spoken to like that

BrandNewHouse · 30/09/2017 19:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Aridane · 30/09/2017 19:40

Sorry - but I would not want to be in a relationship with someone who spoke to me like that

Justaboy · 30/09/2017 19:40

Its a very difficult thing for a man to under stand simply 'cos he ain't a woman!.

opheliacat · 30/09/2017 19:41

Confused What do you mean just?

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