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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I was unreasonable to DH. AIBU to think he should forgive me?

295 replies

BarneyTheFuckOffDinosaur · 30/09/2017 19:16

DS is 4 weeks old. DH does a lot of the night feeds and two nights ago DS was crying every hour. Along with the noise of screaming, all I could hear was DH repeating "now now, never mind, never mind, now now" over and over again all fucking night. Now and again he'd mix it up with a bit of "do you have belly ache? Ummm? Belly ache? Is that what it is? Belly ache? Now now nevermind ... "

Last night DS woke up at midnight and the first thing DH said was "now now, never mind". I could actually feel the rage burning up inside me. We got back to sleep and 1.30 am it starts again, DS crying and DH repeating "do you have belly ache again? Now now nevermind ... "

So I snapped and said "can you stop repeating the same thing over and over again? It's driving me crazy". He didn't answer me but he shut up. DS wokevagain at 4am, DH picked him up and took him out of the bedroom, as he walked down the stairs i heard him say "belly ache?"

This morning I got up at 7am as we'd agreed and DH headed to bed. He got up again at 2pm, DS started crying so I started to sort a feed and heard DH say "never mind, mummy is coming to feed you, now now, never mind"

I totally lost my shit and embarrassingly went marching into the living room shouting "now now DH!!!! Never mind DH!!! Do you have belly ache again??? Awwww never mind!!! Now now!!!" The more i went on the angrier I was getting. DH snapped "what are you fucking on about now?" And I carried on repeating his phrases. He stood up and said "well what do you want me to say to him for fucksake? He's 4 weeks old!" So I screamed at him "it's not always fucking belly ache! Just fuck off out, you're so annoying". So he grabbed his coat and left shouting "crazy cow" behind him.

After I calmed down I felt really guilty and text him to ask him to come home and said I was sorry. He's come home but he's refusing to speak to me and I said now handling DS silently and not speaking to him either. I know I was unreasonable and have apologised but he's dragging it on. AIBU to think he should get over it now?

OP posts:
Worriedrose · 30/09/2017 19:42

@Justaboy
If you're a man you're a bit of a dick
If you're a woman you're a bit of a dick

rwalker · 30/09/2017 19:42

I think barney get the message now .Doubt both of you a the best at the moment please don't let it drag on make a him brew and say i,ve apologised i know I've over reacted can we draw a line under it and move on .

TheRealBiscuitAddict · 30/09/2017 19:43

"Just fuck off out" it's never ok to speak to someone like that, regardless of whether you've just had a baby. But yet again the OP is being given a free pass by some "aw you're hormonal/just had a baby/he should forgive you." Erm no. Being irritated by his repeating the same phrase is one thing, telling him to fuck off is quite another. Imagine if he had and not come back? You'd be missing someone to do the night feeds as a single parent....

bottlesandcans · 30/09/2017 19:44

You sound really nasty.

You can't expect forgiveness at your pace. If I were your DH I'd be leaving you to the night feeds as you obviously know best.

opheliacat · 30/09/2017 19:45

Er, no, she is not biscuit

Gorgosparta · 30/09/2017 19:45

i,ve apologised i know I've over reacted can we draw a line under it and move on .

I think thats a shit way to resolve itm ots basically saying 'i know i spoke to you like shit and you are probably feeling hurt. But i havr said sorry so we must move in and pretend it didnt happen. Forget your hirt. Because i said sorry'

SuperTrumper · 30/09/2017 19:45

You're lucky to have a partner that sees himself as equal parent, let alone has the patience to speak softly and calmly to a baby all night. I get that it's annoying, coupled with all the emotions you have going on then ok you snapped, but wow, complete overreaction. I think you should read the thread a lady posted yesterday about her 4 week old DC and how her partner was spending of his life at the gym and the other half at work

Nanna50 · 30/09/2017 19:46

You know you are hugely BU your OH is talking to your baby and babies need to be talked to they don't care if he's repeating himself. The baby feels soothed and maybe so does your OH. Wear earplugs and apologise big time. If your OH had shouted at you like that what would it take to make you forgive him?

bottlesandcans · 30/09/2017 19:46

Hormones aren't an excuse to be horrible.

Gorgosparta · 30/09/2017 19:46

Fucking hell...sorry for the typos Blush

celticmissey · 30/09/2017 19:47

Does it really matter what words he used to comfort the baby? At least he's trying. Have you thought that you might be massively annoying him? What's to say your way is the best way? If that is pushing your buttons you need to look at why your massively over reacting! If there's no obvious cause maybe close the door whilst he comforts the baby. There's nothing worse than being criticised when actually you're not doing anything wrong. How would you feel?

BewareOfDragons · 30/09/2017 19:48

Wow.

I think you need some help, OP. You were horrid to your DH and grossly unfair.

Ellendegeneres · 30/09/2017 19:48

I feel really sorry for him. If someone had gone off at me like that when I'd been simply doing the best I could to soothe my tiny baby while my oh rested I'd find it incredibly hard to forgive, whatever way round you look at it.
My dc2 is 14months. I'm always doing the repetitive talking to soothe him. It calms him, it speaks to him in a way that the words I'm using can't.

I don't know what to suggest, but maybe you need to see the dr and see if you need some support from outside agencies (pnd?) and he needs to be given as much space as he needs.

Whatever the reasons behind it, you were incredibly nasty and you can't expect him to forgive and forget because you said 'sorry'.

Wolfiefan · 30/09/2017 19:48

I too wouldn't be just "getting over it". And I would agree with the earlier poster who said if you didn't like me soothing our baby then you could do all future night feeds.
Are neither of you working?

Mrsmadevans · 30/09/2017 19:48

Do you feel ok OP? Only your dh sounds like a really lovely daddy to your little one and I wonder if you are starting with a bit of PND or just sleep deprivation which can turn us into a nasty witch. I am speaking from experience . I hope this all sorts itself out for you but be nice to him bless him he sounds a darling tbf.

SilverySurfer · 30/09/2017 19:49

You sound demented - not surprised your DH is giving you the silent treatment.

YourFace · 30/09/2017 19:49

I'm sure you'll laugh about that one in the future!!

Viviennemary · 30/09/2017 19:50

You were unreasonable and you know that. But you have a four week old baby and are sleep deprived. Your DH was doing his best and got shouted at. Now he's sulking. Just wait for it to blow over as you're both tired and cranky.

pallisers · 30/09/2017 19:51

4 weeks in can be crazy shit. I think this might be one of the times you look back on when baby is 10 and laugh about (then when baby is 14 you'll be wishing you were back at "now now bellyache")

I think you need to do a fair bit more apologising though. Tell him you are finding it all hard, you are irrationally angry because you have a newborn and finding the change in life hard, you appreciate him and love him and think he is doing great. or whatever. But saying "sorry" and expecting a line to be drawn under it is a bit much.

That said, my parents' favourite joke after 50 years of marriage was about a couple who are getting divorced and the judge asks the wife what are her allegations of unreasonable behaviour and she says "We are married for 30 years and every single morning of those 30 years he has come downstairs and said"ah coffee!"" and the judge says "divorce granted".

Grumpysocks · 30/09/2017 19:51

I'm sure he will forgive you but you were pretty nasty. Imagine if it were the other way round.

How are you both doing? Sleep deprivation is just awful. Is your dh back at work yet?

Sparrowlegs248 · 30/09/2017 19:52

Bloody hell OP. you know ywu, fair enough but you really are being even more so expecting him to forgive so quickly.

If it bothers you that much, do the night feeds yourself eh?

ButtMuncher · 30/09/2017 19:53

I actually think your DH sounds really kind and sweet. Babies respond to repetitive voices and phrases early on because they can't see very well so they attune to voices and smells.

Besides the fact your DH does a lot of night stuff and feeds (my DP is amazing, but simply cannot do much night time stuff) I think snapping at him like that for loving and caring your newborn is really rude. He doesn't know you're laying there hearing it all - he's doing what's needed to get his child settled and happy. And to be fair, most baby cries at this age are related to either being hungry or being windy, so he's hardly wrong Grin

Seriously though - it sounds like that sleep deprived argumentative stage where the merest sound of your DH eating drives you up the wall (this was me, I had to leave the room whenever he ate). It's a really testing time, so try to BOTH be easy on each other. But truly, your DH is doing a lot more than most, not that it's a competition. Best phrase I was ever told for first two years of parenthood was - pick your battles. EG - don't sweat the small stuff Smile Congrats on your little one Flowers

TeachesOfPeaches · 30/09/2017 19:53

I did every single night feed for mine, even when I was working and I was on my knees with exhaustion. Your DH is just trying to be useful

EezerGoode · 30/09/2017 19:54

Well,I've had 4 dc..and not once did dh get up in the night to any of them...he goes to work.so therefore needs his sleep..I didn't apparently..I think yr lucky he gets up to baby ....or he's just normal the fact he's getting up to baby.and mine wasn't normal.stressful time new babies..be kind to yrself and him x

RonSwansonsMoustache · 30/09/2017 19:55

Bloody hell.

If I’d been doing the majority of the night feeds and DP mimicked me and then told me to fuck off, I certainly wouldn’t come back home just because he asked me to, and I certainly wouldn’t be very forgiving.

That’s disgusting behaviour.

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