DH is in debt

[gameofthrones22]

Sorry for the slightly long ramble but here goes... any advice really appreciated.

I've been married to DH for nearly 2 years and 5 months in to our marriage I found out he had credit card debts amounting to nearly 15K. I was shocked, upset, betrayed but felt like it was something we could get through. Now I've come to the thinking that it's not something I can get through. I feel like its a huge amount and having never had money worries the amount terrifies me. All my spare money goes on house stuff that needs doing as DH literally doesn't haven't a penny to his name after his monthly repayments come out.

DH earns 21K so I've calculated by making minimum payments it will take approx 4 years maybe more to pay this off. I earn 29K and will try to do my best to help DH but I've become resentful at having to miss out on stuff or decline invites or not afford a new car or holiday etc as I am saving to help DH out.

Does anyone have any advice on what to do? I'm really really torn. Should this be something we should be able to get through together? Just makes me sad kids etc will be delayed as we will have no disposable income any time soon.

I'm so sorry to hear this OP have you spoken to Citizens Advice at all? They can be very helpful with financial support. That's all I can think of for now, but I'll find out if there are any options and I'm sure more posters will be along soon with more suggestions.

He was really dishonest to not tell you before you married. Presumably you don't have shared accounts? How long did you know him for before you married?

What is he doing to repay the debt? Evening and weekend jobs? Applying for higher paid jobs?

The debts are from when he first moved into the house alone and struggled to keep up with some payments, started putting some on a card and then before you knew it it had all amounted. Few other thousand pounds from our wedding which I didn't realise he was putting on a credit card.

He's better with money now I guess I could say but only because he has to be to keep up with normal life payments (i.e.) credit card minimum payments, mortgage, car insurance etc

I'm in a similar position.. I paid my dhs enormous debt off and we're now getting marriage counselling because I can't get past the betrayal. Fortunately we're not missing out on things or I think I'd not cope at all.
Imho it's not looking great for you, the way you're describing things.

Is everything else good with you guys? You'll get the posters saying that he can't be a good guy apart from this but I 100% believe in my dh and thats the strength that gets me through and makes me believe we'll get through it.

Relationships are far more complex than mn makes out sometimes

I think it's the dishonesty and amount of money I'm really struggling with.

I knew him 1.5 years before we got married. Not long I know but it felt right at the time. Now, not so much.

Whilst he absolutely should have told you before you married, did you not vow to love him for richer, for poorer?

Its a real shock when this happens.i know the feeling of shock and feeling so let down. I uncovered a similar debt a few months after our son was born. My ex had become a gambling addict and after two years of trying to sort it and him I had to admit defeat and ended the marriage. The trust had completely broken down.

How did your DH's debt come About? What did he spend the money on or have to show for it?

Are you financially connected? Mortgage or joint accounts? This could really affect you and I would recommend you both giving debt charities a call to see what the say and advise.

op x

Has he given you a reasonable explanation of how and why he accumulated these credit card debts? Could he take on a second job to clear the debt sooner? A second job is a really good way of accumulating money quickly. Or could he go to his parents and get them to advance some money to him? What is his attitude to money now, is he being more responsible? I feel for you, I can understand the resentment, especially as he didn't disclose the debts until after you were married. Debt and money can be very corrosive in a relationship. It would certainly not be a good idea, anyway, to have children until you feel your finances are on a stable and sustainable footing, so while a delay is frustrating for you, it may well be totally the right thing to wait until it's sorted out to your satisfaction.

Right. First things first. How did the debts accrue? Wilful overspending or a series of unexpected expenses? How is his money management now?

It’s not an insurmountable debt even on a relatively small income,but it will take commitment to clear.

Are the cards all on 0%? That needs addressing first, Barclaycard and Tesco’s currently have long 0% deals on new cards.

Are there several different cards? The best thing to do is snowball them, so you throw everything at the smaller debts first (pay the minimum on the others) until you’re left with the biggest, you end up having more to pay off the largest debt if that makes sense.

He needs to do a proper, realistic budget and know where every penny is going. This isn’t your mess to sort out, it’s his. Don’t bail him out at the expense of your own quality of life.

Sorry just seen your replies.

It does sound tgat he could have been very financially naive. I think some advice from step change could really help.

Can't you guys remortgage to pay off the debt? Can't he take a job on a evening to help pay the debt down?

I think it's harsh putting your lack of finances above your vows. You knew about it before you married. No one likes being skint. If you put too much pressure on him you will risk him getting in more debt to cheer you up.

We have separate banking accounts. He pays for the mortgage and council tax. I pay for all the other bills which roughly is the same amount.

His debt is house stuff, wedding stuff, stuff which at the time just seemed easier to put on a credit card but then it al amounted like crazy. To nearly 15K.

Of course I vowed to stay with him but this causes rows, huge emotional heartbreaking rows. I feel so much resentment. We've had nearly 2 years of this, after another 4, will there even be a marriage left to save?

I remember when my DSis married her first (abusive) DH, she discovered that he was £17k in debt 2 weeks before the wedding. He said to her, 'I suppose you want to finish with me now?' She said, 'I'm not that shallow.' DM paid off the debts, then 2 years later, when the marriage broke up, the divorce settlement was so messy and DSis lost so much money (as did DM).

She's married an accountant second time around, who is as steady as they come.

I'm probably biased, OP, because of our experience, but I do think him not telling you before you got married is a red flag.

He was possibly ashamed. Did he seem ashamed when he told you? How did you find out?

Are you sure he’s not gambling?

@CredulousThickos yep all 0% cards, just moved all again to interest free so atleast we're only paying for what he actually borrowed.

I've set him up a spreadsheet as he's very much head in the sand kind of guy. He seems to be following and has done for the last few years but every so often the amount just takes me back again and I feel like it's the day I found out all over again.

It currently stands at 13.4K so down a little but nowhere near where I would want it to be.

His debt is house stuff, wedding stuff, stuff which at the time just seemed easier to put on a credit card but then it al amounted like crazy. To nearly 15K.

Does he have low self esteem? Would he have felt embarrassed to say 'I can't afford this'?

Is he financially illiterate? That can be resolved with a bit of education.

No not gambling at all. I've seen the statements and it's little little stuff which just added up.

Oh yes he's ashamed and upset about it all and maybe I'm cruel but I feel that's exactly how he should feel after hiding something like that from me until after we got married.

Wow, I am a very similar situation except I had/have a bankruptcy hanging over me and we weren't married.

Think very carefully, 4 years if he pays every penny to the debt. That's four years without a single luxuary on his part, can he do it?

And why do you now know. Did he come clean? Did you find him out?

Please do a credit check and ask if you can see his. I was bloody terrified and wrote a very weepy slightly gibbering post here and was encouraged to face it head on.

Truth be told the lies ended the the relationship, all trust was destroyed. For richer for poorer absolutely but not when I'm being dragged under without even knowing about it.

I don't think I've actually said anything helpful. Loads of other posters know exactly where to point you.

I've known similar. If he is working with you now to help solve the debt then it could be ok. If he's transferred all the mental stress and sorting out to you, like a man baby, it will not be ok and he's selfish, a more stress free way would be to add to the mortgage - you won't notice the money going as much. However, this will then be a joint debt if you split up. Also, it will only help if he isn't accruing the debts again. I. E. Has he learnt from the past

Well yes he certainly should feel ashamed. But if you have never had any worries with money then you have been given a good financial education. That isn't genetic, you were given a financial education - even if that was just a good example.

Just seen your update, and maybe I'm a bitch but I would have preferred him to have an affair. I would still have had my heard broken and be alone but my credit rating wouldn't be screwed.

What is he doing? Has he looked to get a second job?