DH is in debt

[gameofthrones22]

Sorry for the slightly long ramble but here goes... any advice really appreciated.

I've been married to DH for nearly 2 years and 5 months in to our marriage I found out he had credit card debts amounting to nearly 15K. I was shocked, upset, betrayed but felt like it was something we could get through. Now I've come to the thinking that it's not something I can get through. I feel like its a huge amount and having never had money worries the amount terrifies me. All my spare money goes on house stuff that needs doing as DH literally doesn't haven't a penny to his name after his monthly repayments come out.

DH earns 21K so I've calculated by making minimum payments it will take approx 4 years maybe more to pay this off. I earn 29K and will try to do my best to help DH but I've become resentful at having to miss out on stuff or decline invites or not afford a new car or holiday etc as I am saving to help DH out.

Does anyone have any advice on what to do? I'm really really torn. Should this be something we should be able to get through together? Just makes me sad kids etc will be delayed as we will have no disposable income any time soon.

Could you move in with parents for a year and rent out his property. That will cover the mortgage and allow you to save up (assuming parents are generous).

What's the mortgage? You still haven't answered that.

It makes total sense to put this onto your mortgage.

Then instead of paying this debt off and struggling each month you can over pay your mortgage and reduce the interest owing on the whole lot.

Going to step change etc would not be wise because that could affect his credit rating and spoil your chances of securing a mortgage with reputable lenders or you may have to pay a higher interest rate if you have to go to a specialised lender due to your credit history.

Surely re mortgaging is better than living frugally for the next four years!

Sorry our mortgage is around 350 a month. DH pays that.

Your figures don't make sense. £350 mortgage and only able to pay £300 or less off your debt?

What other outgoings are your joint wages spent on?

Between you both you should have over £3000 plus per month in wages.

There is no benefit in adding the debt to the mortgage and paying interest on it as opposed to a 0% credit card debt.

With such low mortgage payments there is no reason you can’t overpay the debt each month and get second jobs to help reduce the period of the debt. It could be repaid in 2 years.

You should be able to live quite comfortably on those sums whilst paying off the debt. Maybe you need to sit down and go through your bank statements together to see where the major expenses lie and how they can be minimised.

Speaking to someone independent may help you too.

You say your DH was ashamed and then it spiralled. My DH did something awful when we were about 4 years into our relationship. It was bad enough, but then it got worse and worse because it snowballed. Plenty would have left him. I didn't, because his hiding it for as long as he did demonstrated how much he cared and showed he had no idea how to sort it out. We have both learnt so much about him - his default is to bury his head in the sand, with everything. He doesn't know what to do in new situations because he's not had the experience to figure it out, and he was terrified I'd leave him because he was 'a failure'. Not only does he have major self esteem issues that not even he seemed to know about, but he has been referred for an ASD diagnosis too. The important fact for me was that he never intended to hurt me, things for shit and snowballed and he buried his head in the sand. That wasn't enough to throw a marriage away for me.

It could be worth writing your outgoings down and doing the sums on MSE forum via a statement of account. A £350 mortgage is rather tiny. We have two cars and earn £67k between us - our mortgage is £1350

It may be better if I list my outgoings, may make more sense.

After work pension and student loans, tax etc my take home pay becomes £1700ish.

700 in to household account.
200/250 for commute to work.
100 for mobile phone/gym/road tax.
50 for any extra spends in the month.
500 in to my own savings.

DH kept the house like a bachelor pad so when I moved in, we bought more furniture, fridge, washing machine, and dining table, etc from those savings I put in to each month.

DH is more or less the same except due to his take home pay nothing goes in to savings and his monthly contribution is less but the money from that goes towards credit cards.

I agree, your figures don’t add up.

We’re living on DH’s salary at the moment which is about the same as yours combined as I’m a SAHM with 2 kids. We’re currently selling our house (mortgage and bills is £1600 a month) and renting until our new build is built.

We will be paying about £450 rent and we’re hoping to save at least £15-20k next year. And that’s with 2 children and DD’s extortionate nursery bill to pay!

You need to have a serious look at your finances. £13k shouldn’t take you more than 2 years to clear. You could do it in a year.

Your mortgage is £350 a month??

What are you doing with the remaining £3000 a month you jointly earn???

It could be paid off entirely in 6 months!

If you're both paying £700 in to a household account and only have a £350 mortgage what is the remaining £1050 going on? That seems an awful lot for food and utilities for 2 people.

Idea of our expenses for you to compare, we live in a 4 bed semi:

House:
Mortgage - £1350
Buildings and Contents - £34
Electric and Gas - £71
Water and Sewerage (no metre) - £44
Insurances (life and income protection) - £65

Cars (we own both outright, DH's is a 56 plate mine is a high spec 59 plate):
Fuel and parking - £250
Insurance - £105
Servicing plan for one car - £15
Tax - £26

Misc:
Phones - £65
Sky - £45
Pet Insurance - £139
Sofa - £37
Monthly credit for purchase on account - £51
Min payments on credit card - £135

That totals approx £2450. Salaries are roughly £3900.

There is no way we have nearly £1500, the rest goes on food/pets/house things etc, but I generally know where we're at. If I include absolutely everything above and groceries and a couple other things I'd class as needed for now we'd have more like £500 left. I could immediately access another £450 a month though if needed and we do have places we could cut back. If the shit really hit the fan then technically I could cull the pet insurance for a start! I also buy far too many Starbucks at work lately happy to rattle through some numbers if you did want to PM with someone instead of doing it on here. I daresay people will have opinions on our spending too! There is always that chunk of 'I don't have it, but it's not a direct debit...' aka frivolous or one odd purchases you probably won't make every month that muller what's left in the bank.

The dishonesty would have killed things for me. It's up there with cheating

On the whole, I think you need to find a way to stop this sucking the joy from your marriage. What's done is done, he's remorseful and doing everything he can to pay the debt off. Throughout the course of your married life you will make mistakes too, and need forgiveness.

If he was still living the life of Riley then fair enough, ltb, but that doesn't sound like it's the case.

You haven't answered this comment fully though and it is something to consider. I know you've said it was DH house first, but are you now joint tenants on the deeds?
What's the situation with the house?

Did you buy jointly and is it in both your names? If it's his house, is he paying the mortgage and clearing his debt, ending up with a house, while you pay everything else and have no assets?

You need to at least match the £300 he is paying off the debt. You could still save £200 per month and the debt would be wiped in 2 years instead of 4.

Haven't RTFT but if he genuinely hasn't got a spare penny he can get a debt relief order. It would affect his credit rating though. Stepchange can advise.

I understand your worry. Having been in a similar situation shame and a fear of failure and losing you will have been what caused it. As you say if he's had his head in the sand he may not have realised it was that bad also.

I would recommend he speaks to a debt charity who not only help with debts but do debt counselling ask well. Step change is a good one.

Your figures definitely suggest you should be able to pay this off in six months if you treat this as a crisis, which tbh, it clearly is if your marriage is on the line.

If you do decide you want to give this marriage a go, I would have entirely joint accounts. Possibly a separate account for monthly individual spends, when you get to that point. I'd recommend you need a budget- it's an app where you allocate all your income and is really eye opening. You'd need to agree together what money goes towards what bills and debts, if you have a new unexpected expense you have to decide what category to take the money from. I'd also recommend some of the frugal websites, e.g. Mr money mustache, for stories of people clearing debts in a short amount of time.

Based on the figures you've given, you have a joint income of about 3,300. The absolute minimum you should be putting towards debt is 2k a month, which would clear the debt in a little more than six months. Having savings while also having debt is ridiculous. In case of emergency, you clearly have credit cards you could use.

Six months where neither of you have holidays, buy new clothes, go on expensive days out, eat out more than twice a month. It should be totally manageable, and will be a lot less painful to do it all at once rather than slowly over four years.

However- If he struggled with an income of circa 1400 after tax, and a 350/month mortgage, as a single man then I would want to be v clear where all the money is going. If you're reluctant to pay it off, then you need to think seriously about the marriage. It sounds like he's terrible with money, but a lot of it went on the house and the wedding. If you don't think you can live with his attitude to money long term, then it's important to find that out before you have children.

Yes maybe I will put all my disposable income at the end of the month in to the credit card. Atleast that will help reduce the final payment term by a good chunk. I just can't help but feel slightly upset by this though. That's my money being used when I could be building us both a little nest egg. We've both discussed children soon and the idea that that we will have to wait for another few years really upsets me. But it is what it is I guess.

Its not your money. It belongs to you both.

Him having no money at all whilst youre saving £500 a month is financial abuse

that's my money being used when I could be building us both a little nest egg

But that isn't how joint finances work when married. It seems as if you both buried your heads in the sand a bit when you moved in together. Whether you'd decided to use that money to pay for the wedding etc at the time or as you are now having to do the situation would be the same as regards saving for your future. Either way that money has been spent.

So it's YOUR money when it's paying off JOINT debt and OUR money when it's for something YOU consider worthy.

Have to agree if your dh was posting as a woman and you were the husband he'd be getting told ltb!

You keep referring to it taking a few years to repay the debt but there is no reason for that if you pay a more realistic amount each month and get second jobs. Other people do that when they need extra money.

I don’t see this as financial abuse at all. They are his debts. He hid them. They need to be paid off. If the OP steps in to help clear them, what if he does it again? If she refuses, is that financial abuse?

OP, I had large amount of debt before I met DH. I view our money as our money, but these debts are not his responsibility, they are mine.

Personally, he needs to carry on paying off the debt, and I would save whatever you can for you both to have disposable income and a nest egg.

I think you’d be resentful otherwise.

And a few years is NOT that long. I also think I was right in my initial assessment you're one of these people that 'needs' luxuries. Did he really not have a fridge? A washing machine? Or were the ones he had just not up to your high standards? And a dining table is NOT a necessity.